God's Promise

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23

I think this is one of my new favorite verses! For the last year I have confessed, professed, my Hope in Jesus. My daughter's name was no accident--Hope was named to remind me of the great Hope I have in my heavenly Father. Hope's name proclaimed a virtue I most adamantly hold to and believe in. Hope testified to the great anticipation I have in knowing Jesus, that someday I will meet my Father and someday I will again hold my precious daughter. And I can hold to this hope because "He who promised is faithful."

Herb and I have been asked often what our little girl's name will be. Herb wanted to hold out on sharing her name but has since changed his mind. In his desire to be silent, I would often tell others that I could not share her name, but that I would say her name means "God's promise". Of course, Google being the powerhouse that it is, people would then email me their guesses. I could never confirm or deny, but often they guessed incorrectly.

I am happy to get to share her name with others because it holds to me just as much meaning as Hope's does. Forever this little girl will be a reminder that "He who promised is faithful." She is a fulfillment of God's promised joy amidst our anguishing sorrow. She is a fulfillment of God's promised Hope for the good He had in store. She is a fulfillment of a calling I believed with all my heart God had for Herb and I--to be parents. This little one embodies so many of God's promises and I love that her name reflects just that.

If you've read this far then you definitely deserve to know the name of our daughter. Coming in March we will be welcoming Isabelle Noelle to our little family! She will be a delight and a light to all who know her, and I can't wait to meet her!

Thankful

Cara gave everyone this assignment and since I always complete ALL of my assignments, I decided to post my work for all to see. Happy Thanksgiving! I am one thankful woman--this doesn't even begin to cover it!

Time--I'm grateful that I've had more time this semester with the help of a student-teacher!
Herb--I can't imagine where my life would be without a husband who makes me laugh and lets me cry!
Able--I am thankful for the ways God is able; able to forgive, able to heal, able to redeem, able to love and SO much more!
New--I am thankful for the new experiences and people who come into my life! I am thankful I've been made new!
Kerry and Kevyn and all the Ks in my life--my family enriches each experience I have and holds me through the difficult ones!
Food--I LOVE experiencing food, traditional favorites and new flavors! I think it's one of God's greatest gifts!
Understanding--I am grateful for those who seek to understand my heart and love me unconditionally!
Love--Love, both divine and common, enriches my life so much!

Remembering

I can't explain how thankful I am when others remember Hope. I know it is easy to forget her, after all very few people even met her, but I am so grateful when people remember my precious girl without my prompting.

A most beautiful example of this beauty came from my friend Janell last weekend. We were on our way home from a baby shower, and Janell said she wanted to ask me something. She asked if I wanted Hope honored in some way at my baby shower for this newest little girl. Janell said that she didn't want to forget Hope and her significance, and so her thought had been to make shirts in honor of Hope for my shower. Of course I started to cry and was so overwhelmed with the gentle sweetness of this gesture--so simple yet so profound to my mother's heart. What a perfect representation of God's love for me and for Hope reflected in the heart of my dear friend Janell!

Then just last night my thoughtful sister asked what we were doing to celebrate Hope's birthday. She asked if I wanted to celebrate alone or if I wanted company. Kevyn sweetly remembered that this day is quickly approaching and wanted to make sure that we honored my precious daughter! I love that I didn't even have to ask--Kevyn just made it a point to remember and offer her comfort and her company. What a gift my sister is and how thankful I am for her remembering!

Not everyone will remember and not everyone has to, but I am so grateful for those who do. It is in that remembering that I feel like Hope is valued, like she is a part of my family, that she will never be forgotten. These are things that I very much feel everyday, but I am overwhelmed when others share those feelings with me. What a gift my friends and family are and what a present their remembering is to me! Thank you for those who help me in my remembering, who share in the remembering with me. You lessen my load and lighten my heart.

It's a Girl!

We had our 20 week ultrasound on Wednesday and it was one of the most fun experiences of my life! I barely slept the night before--just imagining getting to see our little one again and finally knowing who we should be expecting in 20 weeks was more than my mind could handle! I tossed and turned and finally just got out of bed at 4:30, mostly because I was starving! The fun part was that our little one was going crazy all morning long; I think she was just as excited as we were!

On my way to the ultrasound I drank some OJ, I've heard that is helpful, and listened to my Hope play list. There were of course many tears as I drove to the ultrasound, missing Hope, wishing I had had this day with Hope, but mostly there were tears of complete joy knowing that God had prepared this way for us. I was completely tear-filled and humbled as I listened to the words:

I believe always, always our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
He will be with you always

My Savior has not failed me. He has been so incredibly faithful to me that I cannot even begin to articulate the myriad of ways He's comforted me and renewed so many things that were lost. I can see how Jesus fulfilled Isaiah 43:19 in me " See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?" How many new things my Father has done in me! I can't even count them! This joy, this peace in knowing that God is at work, that He never fails, filled me with great tears of joy Wednesday morning.

When we arrived at the perinatal center, we had to wait for what seemed like an eternity. The OJ had clearly kicked in right on time; at 9:15 the baby was bouncing away in my uterus, but we had to wait! As we sat there waiting Herb asked how I was feeling, and I said "Excited and nervous!" He said "What's there to be nervous about? It's going to be a baby!" Oh my smart alec husband!

Finally they called us in around 9:45 and sadly we did not get our beloved ultrasound tech, but our new tech was very sweet as well. She also asked about Hope and was very mindful of how tender of an experience this was for me. She began looking around and there was our sweet baby, hiccups and all! The baby was moving around like crazy and was honestly giving the tech a bit of a hard time. But we saw a powerful, steady heart beat with perfect 4 chambers of the heart! The baby's brain looked particularly huge--I think it must be Herb's! And her spine looked perfect!

As we tried to discern the gender we discovered that the baby's legs were crossed! At this point I called the baby a brat! I did, I couldn't help it! Does that make me a bad mother? But the tech navigated around enough to find the ovaries, verifying that our baby was indeed a girl! I didn't completely trust her conclusion, so I was thankful when I asked again about two minutes later if the baby had uncrossed her legs and she had! Yep, she's a girl! I was right, which is mostly only satisfying because I feel like my mother's intuition is spot on! I don't think Herb was too disappointed to be wrong. I'm very much envisioning her to be daddy's little girl about 20 seconds after she's born!

After all of this I slyly mentioned to the tech that the reason I thought the baby was a girl was because of the 3D picture at the previous ultrasound. She either took my hint or was just very gracious because then she tried to get us a 3D picture. But our little girl at this point was tuckered out from all of her squirming around and was now curled up on her arms and legs, butt up in the air with her face pressed firmly against the bottom of my uterus. Because the tech couldn't get a good profile angle we didn't get a 3D picture this time, but that's okay. The pictures we have are wonderful!

As we walked out of the building Herb and I both said our daughter's name; we've had it chosen for quite some time now. It is perfect for her! I've loved calling her by that name since the moment we discovered she is a girl! Herb isn't quite ready to share yet, but it's really only a matter of time before I slip up! And luckily Herb knows this too and is ready for that day!

We went over to my OB for my 20 week appointment and called our moms. Both grandmas are super excited about a healthy baby and about our little girl! Then the texting began! It was so fun to share with everyone our news! I know no one, including us, really cared which gender our baby was, they were more concerned about healthy, but it is SO fun to give a more concrete definition to our little one! My appointment went well and I am so incredibly thankful for Dr. Riley. She acknowledged that this must be a tough time of year for me and a tough time in my pregnancy. Because of this she told me I could come in any day I was feeling concerned or worried and listen to my little one's heartbeat. What a relief to know that if I just need that extra reassurance it is there for me! What a blessing, truly!

After my appointment Herb and I parted ways. Coming to work was a little anticlimactic but there were plenty of excited people there to make me feel loved. I definitely couldn't focus the rest of the day! I spent a great deal of time looking at girly nursery things online and day dreaming about my little girl!

That night Herb brought me pink tulips and told me they were from our daughter! What a precious, sweet thing for my husband to do! I am the luckiest girl in the world to have the people in my life that I do, my husband being at the top of that list!

Herb then took me shopping at Target so that we could buy our first little girl outfit! Herb was humorously enamored with all things boy, and I had to remind him that now we know we're having a girl! I think he'll get used to the idea--he just likes orange and monkeys and sports--all boy things. But he actually picked out the outfit we purchased--it's a little red with pink polka dot footed sleeper that says "Mom and Dad's little cuddle bear"! Adorable! She's going to look wonderful in it :-)

After that I went home and crashed! I was exhausted from the emotions and the events of the day, but I slept easy dreaming of my little girl, the girl I cannot wait to hold in my arms come March! Praise God for this day and the moments He has given me with our beautiful baby! I am blessed beyond all measure!

Here are some pictures from the ultrasound:

This is the ovary shot!

I LOVE this little foot!

She's sucking her thumb!

Dr. Riley asked whose nose this was and I'm sorry to say baby girl that I think it's mine! Hopefully I gave you some of my good traits too ;-)

Grief Moments

I think I'm entering into what will be the hardest weeks of my pregnancy and of my grief process. Everything about this time of year is reminding me of Hope. Leaving on vacation for Fall break was really hard for me; it dredged up a lot of fear about this pregnancy. You see my vacation to Philadelphia last Fall was the last thing I really remember doing with Hope--in some ways it was the beginning of the end. So as I stepped on the plane last Friday I shed many tears of grief and fear. I am having a very hard time believing that I will make it past week 19 of this pregnancy, not for any reason other than 19 weeks of pregnancy is all that I know. And that's been hard too...

There have been moments in these last weeks that have triggered great sadness for me, moments that are glorious and painful all at the same time. These moments are moments I never had the chance to have with Hope; these moments were the moments I was waiting for with such great anticipation last year around this time. Two weeks ago my dear friend had her 20 week ultrasound and found out the sex of her baby. I was SO excited for her but all of the sudden also overwrought with grief remembering how I never really had that moment with Hope. I was so looking forward to that moment with her and it never came. And I think that was just a small piece of the emotions I will feel in two weeks when I get to have my 20 week ultrasound with this baby. Of course I will be thrilled to discover the gender and receive verification that this baby is healthy, but there will be a shade of grief over the moment knowing that I never did have and never will have that experience with Hope.

In that same vein I couldn't help but be thrilled last week when I started to feel this baby move! It is such a delicate and precious feeling; the movement creates such a bond between me and the baby. And yet there are moments when I can't help but cry--I never knew this sensation with Hope. These flutters are all new to me, but I wish they weren't. I wish I could have had these moments with my sweet little girl. Does that diminish the joy I feel with this baby? Not at all, but the longing for my Hope is just the same.

And I wonder, I wonder if I will have these moments every once in a while with huge milestones in this new child's life. Will the milestones trigger what I've missed out on with Hope? Or are these particular milestones more powerful because I was so close to having them with her last year at this time? I'm sure it's a little of both. I'm sure I will always have a hollow ache for my Hope, a tender place that's only hers. But that's okay because it is a reminder of the important role she has in my life; she is my daughter and no future children will change that. There will be missed moments with her, just as there will be moments shared with this new child. That is the reality of my life, my grief.

So as I walk into these next two weeks of pregnancy, the final weeks of pregnancy I'm familiar with, I admit great fear. I actually considered calling my doctor and asking if she would see me weekly between now and 20 weeks, just so that I could have reassurance that everything was still okay. These next weeks will be an exercise in trust and faith in ways that go beyond how this whole pregnancy has been exactly that. I have to dare to believe that this 17th week, this 18th week, this 19th week will be different than the last.

And as I walk into this next month of reminders, this month leading to November 10th, I will be teary, I will have grief moments. These were the last days with my Hope. There will be days, events, happenstances that trigger overwhelming memories and overwhelming grief. This will be a hard month, but again, that's as it should be. I should remember these days and moments because they are a part of my story, of Hope's, and of our story together. These days changed my life forever and I can't change or ignore that. And so I won't ignore them--I will walk through them and I will cry through them and I will end up on the other side of them.

Because although these are grief moments, they are also brief moments. They will not consume me forever, for there is joy coming. "So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy" John 16:22. Oh will there be joy!

Until then bear with my brief moments of grief, walk alongside me, try to understand, and if you don't, just try to trust that I am doing the best that I can with what I have. And know that this is only for a time--this is what I must believe as well, that these grief moments will pass.

Glimpses of Glory

"Once you feel the weight of glory, all your pain will fade to memory" ~"Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson

"All of the sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory" ~"How He Loves Us" by David Crowder Band

I've been trying to think of a way to encapsulate my emotions for the last week, a way to concisely express the roller coaster I have been riding. I am not sure that I will do the last 7 days justice, but I want to try.

As we anticipated our ultrasound last Tuesday, I vacillated between immense excitement and intense fear. I was so excited to see our wee-one again, to see that little baby that I have already fallen for! But I also was fearful--fearful that the ultrasound would show no beating heart or debilitating Down's syndrome. Even as we sat in the waiting room awaiting our appointment, I wasn't sure what to trust, what to believe. But I did know that there were several butterflies flitting in front of the perinatal building when we walked in, which did leave me feeling hopeful.

When they called us back to the ultrasound room, I was thankful to see a familiar face. The same woman who performed our ultrasound at 8 weeks was there again to do this one. She remembered us, remembered our story, and was SO incredibly sweet to us! She explained in great detail what we were looking for and then took a lot of time in showing us the baby. She (I SO wish I could remember her name) excitedly thanked me for having such a full bladder (you know me, always happy to oblige in that area!) and exclaimed that the baby was posing perfectly for the pictures she needed. Then she happily announced that the thickness of the baby's neck was picture perfect--exactly what we would want to see! After she took the pictures she needed, she then just took some time letting us watch our little one! The baby was SO active bouncing around, pulling on the umbilical cord, showing us all angles. What a joy to be able to observe our baby's movements and actions! The tech then offered to take a 3D picture of the baby--this was and is the most precious gift I've received! I love that we can see her/his little face--I'm in love with this face!
The ultrasound tech then checked for the baby's gender, explaining that she would only be able to tell us for certain if it was a boy. There appeared to be nothing there, so she said she was leaning toward girl, but she couldn't say for certain. Daddy Herb claims that this means nothing--he is still sticking with his claims of a boy, but to me this face looks like he might just be wrong...but we'll see!

After the ultrasound the tech took me back to get my blood drawn. As I settled into my chair I looked up to the wall and found the most beautiful picture of a monarch butterfly gracing my eyes! This baby, this experience was blessed with the hope of a butterfly, a big, faith-filled butterfly!

While I cried many tears of joy, I realized I was getting a glimpse of glory, a glimpse of God's presence in my life. So many songs, so many verses promise that when we are eclipsed by God's glory all pain will fade. I was by no means eclipsed, or immersed in glory, but I did get a peek, a precious, life-giving peek. God's glory allowed me such joy, such immense joy in those moments, that my pain was standing in the background. It hadn't disappeared, in fact it absolutely colored my experience, but it colored my experience in a true way--the glory was greater because I knew the pain. The pain did become more memory than reality in those moments. God showed me His glory, in a gracious hope-giving blessing that I am so grateful for!

In the days following I must have glowed like Moses after his mountain top glimpse of glory! But quickly the glimpse of glory slipped from my mind because of fear. Friday morning I was unplugging my charger from an outlet and I shocked my hand pretty badly. Instantly I was overwhelmed by fear--fear that I had just killed this baby. I couldn't shake the overwhelming sadness and trepidation that came from the what ifs. I called the doctor and initially the receptionist said that I would have to go to triage to make sure everything was okay. I was terrified because it was in that very triage that I found out Hope was dead. After the receptionist spoke with the doctor, the doctor reassured me that everything was perfectly fine--there was nothing to fear. While I struggled to believe that I couldn't help but notice how God cared for me.

Butterflies, butterflies everywhere. All weekend long I constantly encountered butterflies. I even found a set of butterfly pins at Disneyland! God is so good to have reassured me, comforted me with this symbol of hope that is mine, my gift from my heavenly Father! I have come to realize that butterflies are another glimpse I get of God's glory, God's magnificence. Because when I see these butterflies I am overwhelmed with the love of my Father, the gentle way that He cares for me. I am radiant after seeing these peeps at butterflies because I know my God is good; He sees my need and meets me in that place.

I cannot wait until I am able to be washed over by God's glory, until all my pain will fade to memory, until I can no longer see my afflictions. I cannot wait to move beyond small glimmers of glory and bask in the the warmth of it all. But until then, oh am I thankful for my glimpses of glory, for the moments when I am reminded of who God is and how overwhelmingly magnificent He is! And I am grateful for my little ones--this baby growing inside of me and my Hope and Joseph revisiting me with their butterflies--and how they enable me to see the glory of my gracious God!

Butterflies

Butterflies are a beautiful symbol in my family. They represent hope, the presence of loved ones and comfort. In some ways they represent new life. Their symbolism began the day of my Grandma Pat's memorial service. As my Grandpa stood before her dearest friends and family a precious black and orange butterfly gracefully landed on the podium next to him. This beautiful butterfly stayed with him as he spoke and followed him right to his seat when he was finished. From that day forward our family came to cherish the butterfly as a simple reminder that our Grandma would always be with us.

3 years later my Aunt Kelly stood before a gathering of our dearest family and friends to share words of remembrance for my Grandpa Read. As she stood in the same spot my Grandpa had stood just years before, two butterflies flitted to the podium and danced above her head. God sent us a reminder that Grandma and Grandpa were never far from us--their memory and presence were felt in the flitting of wings and the vibrancy of color.

12 years later I found myself looking for a renewed sense of hope after the loss of my Hope. I was reminded of the butterfly, of the beautiful picture of hope it unveils. The butterfly must struggle for what seems an eternity in order to emerge as something more breath-taking and glorious. She breaks free from the bondage of her struggle to find that she can fly and experience life in a way she never knew before. The butterfly was to be my new symbol of hope, and my mom graciously gave me a necklace to signify this new emblem. I wear my butterfly necklace with anticipation of the glory God might reveal in me.

It was two weeks after I placed this necklace on my neck that I found myself in Ohio visiting Lindsay. On July 3, Aunt Kelly's birthday, we took a pregnancy test and discovered the great joy of baby number 3! What excitement but oh what fear Herb and I experienced in those next days! But God is gracious--a white butterfly came to visit me every day that I was in Ohio, no matter which city we were in. Hope, my precious girl, and Jesus, my precious Savior, brought me a reminder that there is hope. I felt like God was reminding me that it was okay, it was good, to believe in the plans that He has for me. And I felt as though Hope was urging me to believe it was okay for me to move forward. I felt Hope allowing me to welcome this new life into our lives, in fact modeling for me how important and easy it was to embrace this new little one.

I thought for sure that the butterflies would not appear once we left Ohio. After all Ohio is green and lush and I couldn't remember the last time I saw a butterfly in Arizona. But not one day have I been left alone. Each morning when I back out of my driveway or walk onto school's campus or drive to the grocery store, there she is, my precious Butterfly! I have not been left alone in my fear but instead have been surrounded by my Hope. I have to believe that these butterflies represent not only the new life growing within me, but the new life God has cultivated in my heart as a result of Hope's life.

So while I certainly have butterflies about this new pregnancy, I also have Butterflies to remind me that I walk this journey with Hope! Thank you Jesus for the Butterflies!