Clothed in Him

In my devotional this morning, the author challenged us to write down what we hoped God would do in our lives. I thought this was a really cool exercise and I am embraced the challenge. I journaled it, but I thought I would receive more accountability on my hopes for transformation if I posted my thoughts. So here are my ambitions for being clothed in God:

I want to be clothed in love, a love for others that compels people to draw near to God. A love that looks past flaws and sees beauty. A love that endures even when it's not easy to. A love that looks beyond myself and sees the hearts of others.

I long to be clothed in patience, with a heart that waits on Your timing. I long to be content with what I have, hopeful for what's to come and thankful for the process that will get me there. I want to embrace the journey, not looking to arrive but appreciating each step.

I hope to have great hope, hope found only in knowing Christ. Hope that He wants more for me, hope that He will do anything to give me more and hope that He won't leave me on the way. I want hope that inspires me to pray, hope that brings me to the foot of the cross and relinquishes all cares and worries then and there. Hope that walks away knowing the Lord has it all in His hands.

I wish for a mouth of purity. Words that encourage and do not tear down. Words that inspire and do not discourage. Words of truth, even when they're hard to say (and right motives in my heart as I do speak the truth). I long for words of kindness and hope, words that reflect a heart for God. Words that sing praise even when a song can't be found.

I long to learn from who I was, to be daily transformed into who I hope to be, beyond what I hope to be and instead to what God sees I can be. I hope to change, to be changed and allow God to change me. May I never be who I am now, but may I constantly be growing into an image of who He wants me to be.

May I be strengthened by faith to do beyond all I can ask or think with Your guidance. I long for faith that can move mountains and move me. May I have faith that challenges me to be a risk taker; may I not stay stagnant where I'm comfortable. I want to step out in faith to do great things for You.

And finally may I be a woman of humility and grace. May I offer forgiveness to those who hurt me and may I constantly reflect the forgiveness I received that fateful day on the cross. May I realize my flaws before seeking to point out the flaws in others. And may that humble me to know I don't deserve the grace I've been given. May God's grace and forgiveness inspire me to always forgive, no matter the cost to myself. After all the highest cost was paid for my forgiveness.

Lord, help me to be clothed in you more every day of my life. You are beauty and I long to be beautiful.

Bush Bashing

Yes, I'm about to go political on you for a moment. If you are opposed, feel free to ignore the post altogether. But I can't help posting about this topic. I reached a point of frustration and then found a moment of enlightenment, which I'd like to share with you if you are interested.

I try diligently to ignore the media in regards to politics in general, but specifically in regards to President Bush. I have been a Bush fan for a long time, which many of you know about me. The biggest point in his favor in my book is that he is a believer and is not afraid to admit it. He asks for prayer and prays himself. He is humble in recognizing that he can't tackle the job he has without the help of a greater power. I appreciate all of these things about him especially because he does these things while being strongly hated by a majority of the nation.

The nation makes no apologies for their hatred of Bush. They slam him in all directions, and even when it is not his fault. This week I saw an article about the Chinese government chastising Bush for speaking up about their questionable human rights policies. Next to the article was a picture of President Bush! I couldn't believe the blatant stab at President Bush for something he didn't do. Shouldn't there be a picture of the Chinese President? The man who made the heretical comments towards America? But no, they post a picture of our President in hopes that readers will see the picture, assume Bush bashing, and read with a hopeful eye for more criticism fodder. Needless to say this put me on guard.

I was talking this over with my friend Shiloh last night, and I came upon a fascinating idea. While I was in my fits of rage about this topic, I said that it frustrated me that we live in a nation so willing to openly hate its leader. And then, Aha! Luke 21:17 "You will be hated by all on account of my name." If President Bush is so hated by the people of this world, he must be pursuing God in a powerful way. I am by no means saying the he is perfect, that he does no wrong, but I do think that perhaps he is doing what God has called him to. If that's the case, no wonder the world hates him. The world hates what it does not understand. Although this doesn't completely pacify me about the Bush bashing, it does reassure me that the Lord is in control. He is bigger than the powers that be and bigger than the naysayers of the world. He is capable of doing far beyond all we can ask or think, politically and in all realms of life.

So next time you hear someone bashing Bush, and if you believe that he is walking with the Lord, take a deep breath and realize they aren't hating the man but the Christ within him. It reassures me a bit, hopefully it will to you as well.

The Bar Exam

I think I've already hit up most of my readers for prayer, but I'll write one last all call. Today Herb takes the Bar exam. The culmination of two months (or if you look at it this way-3 years and two months) of work. While there were certainly some doubts and anxiety yesterday, this morning he seemed more confident, anxious to get it over with but stronger in faith. What an answer to prayer already! We prayed and cried (ok, I cried) together this morning and off he went. I am so very proud of his hard work, no matter the outcome of the exam. I pray that he feels that way as well.

So one last request for prayer for my hubby on this day. I'm sorry if you feel nagged; I just have a nagging on my heart to lift him up. May you, just as I prayed for Herb, be assured in your identity in Christ, no matter the outcome of your actions. We are precious because He has made us so. You are precious to me as well. Thank you for being my faithful friends!

Pride and Faith

Hello faithful readers! If you're still reading this, thank you for holding true when I haven't held up my end of the bargain. My mom said that my readers were disappointed with my lack of writing in the free time of my summer. It is true I hoped to blog more, but my summer seemed to be filled with living life rather than commenting on it. Not a bad thing by any stretch of the imagination, but still I am sorry to be absent from the writing scene for so very long.

I return the day before school starts in much the same place as I was last year. Not completely, I feel this year God has grown me immensely, but I find I still sing some of the same tunes. For instance, I have been worrying much about the work load of this year, just like last year. With 4 AP classes, classes full of students who actually turn in assignments, I have been grading plenty already this summer. I fear this will be the trend for this year. Grading is my least favorite task as a teacher and one I do not relish in the least. So the prospect of my life being consumed with this odious task is heart breaking to me.

I keep trying to talk myself out of it. "I'm sticking to my guns. I'm working until 5:30 everyday, but not a minute more. I'm not working on the weekends. It will still get done." But no amount of self-talk seems to dig me out of my despair. But our God is mighty to save, and He spoke to my heart in just the nick of time.

I was reading Having a Mary Spirit this afternoon and the chapter was about pride. I thought, "Oh great, conviction time. Can't we just have a lighter subject? One that will minister more to my state of being right now?" God's bigger than my nay saying as usual and spoke mightily to my heart.

She started out by confounding my definition of pride. My whole life I've believed that pride is puffing oneself up, believing we are greater than we actually are, which is true of the word. But also true is the idea that insecurity and negative self talk is another version of pride. I wasn't completely sure she was right on this topic, but after further exploration I believe she is. Pride is when we focus on ourselves, make ourselves the center of the universe rather than lifting up others. When we focus on our failures, on our imperfections, on our insecurities, we are still focusing on us!

Okay, I get where you're going, but still, what does this have to do with me, with my life at this moment? Then there it was, my story. The author was relaying her struggles in writing this book, in believing she didn't have the knowledge, ability or time in which to write. Why would God choose her with all of her failures and lack of time? Here's what God answered me, I mean her:

Let me get this straight...although I spoke the universe into existence and hung the stars in space...even though I promised to help you when you said yes to My call...and even though you've cleared your life and made time to write this book...you still keep saying you can't do it...What you're really telling Me...is that you're the omnipotent one around here. Because no matter how much I help you, no matter how willing I am to give you the words and the ability to write...you just know you'll find some way to mess it all up!

Yep, that's about it. But it sounds so awful when you put it like that! It is pride, but really it is unbelief. And that's what it boils down to. Do I have faith enough to trust God will take care of me? Do I have faith enough to know that God will grant me time when I need it? Do I have faith enough to believe that He's called these kids to my classroom for a purpose and that He'll provide everything I need? It's about faith.

I used to think that pride was the root of all sin, and in a lot of ways the two are intricately connected. But I'm starting to realize that sin is also intertwined with unbelief. Because if we believe God is big enough to take care of things, we won't: avoid risk because of fear, speak up when faced with an opportunity to gossip, worry and strive about things outside of our control, try to take control in difficult situations. If we believe, we remove ourselves from all of these opportunities to sin.

Last week our pastor asked us if we truly trust God, if we truly trust His desire to work things together for the good. And while we initially want to respond with a resounding yes, the answer is, at least for me, not all the time. I don't act out of trust in Him, in fact many of my actions are done out of fear. I'm just being honest. So now I understand the man's prayer to Jesus in Matthew, "Lord I believe, help me in my unbelief."

Thus, with the start of a new school year I seek to believe and trust God more. He will provide. He does seek to work for my good. I need to stop protecting myself or striving about what I can't protect and just trust. I want to be a 1 Peter woman whose beauty lies in a quiet and gentle spirit, a heart without fear. May my life be humble and full of faith, not just this week, not just this year, but may this be the beginning of a lifelong journey full of trust in my Lord.

My risk

I know this is the long awaited posted. You each have been waiting with bated breath to see what risk I will take. What new adventure will God call me to? I fear many of you will be disappointed with this post, or with me, but this is what I've got so far.

I am currently sitting in a dorm room in San Diego, CA. I've just dropped Herb at the airport and I'm settling in to my room. I am here for an AP conference, alone. This is risky for me. As I have been known to say, "I don't do alone well." And it's true. I cease to be brave once I've lost my amigos. There is something comforting to me in the presence of another human being I know well. I can brave the LA freeways, if Melinda's sitting in the passenger seat. I can navigate a new campus and a new system, if my mom is there or a phone call away. I can try new adventures, experience new places, if Herb is by my side. But ask me to navigate a major freeway alone, explore a campus I'm unfamiliar with (and make it places on time), and experience new places by myself and I am at a loss. I don't really like big freeways or daunting driving anyway, but going it alone is just fearful for me.

I've been thinking about this all weekend. Wondering why I can't be brave. Why do I fear major city driving? Why am I afraid to navigate in new places by myself? Why, at 25 years of age, do I feel at a loss when traveling solo? Honestly, it makes me feel like a coward. It makes me wonder how I can ever be a mom. If I take my kids somewhere and I'm in charge of driving and navigating, I'd better not freak out. If they are yelling in the backseat, I'd better stay level headed enough to keep it together. Yet I don't feel like I'm there. I feel like a big chicken. And I began to feel the anxiety of being alone four hours before Herb even left me. I began worrying about how I'd make it back from the airport and figure out my situation. What a scaredy-cat!

Which is why I am writing you now. As I left Herb at the airport, tears trickling down my cheeks, I made a decision. This is my risk. I am going to take it one risk at a time. I got in my car and drove myself safely back to the dorm, merging and changing lanes on a major CA highway! I got to my room and I set up my things, preparing myself for the day tomorrow. I spoke to the front desk and negotiated my computer into accessing the internet. Small victories, small risks, but mine none the less. I did these things by myself. I didn't call my mom and consult how to solve the problem. I didn't have Herb talk to me the whole way back to the dorm via cell phone. I did it. Unaccompanied. And tomorrow, I'll set my alarm clock, get ready, find the dining hall and my class on time. I can do this. I can. This is my risk, to trust myself to be alone.

And I can do this because I am not alone. I invited God into the passenger seat of the car with me. He'll sleep in the bed next to me tonight. He'll sit on the couch with me while I read my book. I am not alone, and I need to learn that. I need to learn that facing fears means embracing trust. And I know only one person who I can place complete trust in. It is going to be okay because I am not alone!

And now, I have to make a confession, not only am I not alone right now, but I am not going to be alone in 24 hours either. Melinda will be joining me tomorrow. You're laughing right now, aren't you? Be honest, I can hear it in my head. "You're kidding me, right Katie? All this talk about taking risks and being alone, and it's only for 24 measly hours?! You can't be serious! Buck it up and take it!" You're right, it is ridiculous that a girl of 25 has to pep talk herself into being alone. But as I've said, I don't do alone well. So this is my chance, be it small, to practice being alone. There is no loss is small victories, and this will be one of mine. I will practice and I will try and I will risk. Not without fear, but I am going to do it. Not just today, and not just tomorrow, but I am going to practice being alone, doing things by myself. Pray for me because for me it is a risk, and it can only be entered into with great love and compassion from others and from God. Here I go...I'll keep you posted.

2 AM Wake Up Call

As some of you know, I've been fighting something all week long.  Sore throat, snot, stomach ache, overall ache.  In general I don't do the laying low well, but I have attempted to the last two days.  I tried to nap, read a good book (nothing good at all was on TV), I didn't even work out or clean my house (huge moral victory!)  But that didn't stop my body from attacking me!

2 AM I am wide awake.  Apparently I had draped my arm across my neck and my glands were so swollen that it hurt to touch.  So I got up and attempted to rid myself of snot and climbed back in bed.  No good.  My throat was throbbing and the pain kept my eyes wide open. I got up a few more times, used a flashlight to check my throat--looked white a spotty to me. Arg...I laid there trying to surrender my aching body to the Lord, trying to trust Him.  But these thoughts kept flowing through my head:

Why can't we call the doctor in the  middle of the night? 8 AM feels so far away!

Why isn't there a take home strep test that I can just pick up at Walgreens?

Why did I throw away all of the expired drugs in the de-cluttering process?

I remember all the times the doctor asked me if my sore throat was keeping me up.  I responded of course not, and he reassured me that he would prescribe me some pain meds if it became a problem.  I'd take those now!

But come 2:45 when I just couldn't take it any more, I fell on Mom's home remedy.  I gargled with warm salt water for so long a DUI officer might have mistaken me for being drunk on the ocean.  Although it's not fun choking on saline, it was enough to ease my aching throat and allow me to find sleep again.  Praise God!

In the throes of last night, I set the alarm for 8 AM so I could call the doctor.  When I heard that precious beeping this morning I awoke to an almost, key word almost, painless throat. Yay, I think.  Why is it that when you've finally set your mind on going to the doctor, your symptoms seems to subside?  So I'm waiting it out.  I gargled again, been drinking hot liquids and I definitely haven't returned to the 2 AM level of pain.  Hopefully this doesn't kick me in the butt.  Hopefully come tomorrow I will have no pain or snot, and I'll be able to enjoy my birthday festivities in peace.  And hopefully 2 AM won't be a time of the night I see for a while. We all know I don't do well without my beauty sleep. 

Clutter

To my great annoyance our apartment complex asked Herb and I to empty out all of our cabinets, drawers and closet floors for exterminators to come spray the place.  They gave us the notice Thursday and it had to be done by Monday.  Short notice, frustrating, but at least it didn't give me too much time to dwell on the ridiculousness of the task!

Come Sunday morning, Herb and I rose and began the odious job of emptying out all of our storage spaces.  I was determined to attempt to use the time to "spring clean", give away unneeded things and wipe down all of our cabinets.  Three garbage bags and four give away bags later our house was a complete disaster area!  Our kitchen contents alone occupied the whole of our dining room table, coffee table and pink chairs!  I reminded Herb that this is why the biggest room in our eventual home needs to be the kitchen.  He said he never doubted that fact for a moment.  Our emptied closets consumed the floor of the office entirely!  Our bathroom lived in two laundry baskets.  We have so much stuff, and yet I struggled to know what to get rid of.  Much of it is useful and much of it is sentimental, yet all of it felt like clutter. Perhaps that's just because it was spread all over my house!  Herb and I both had quite the aversion to the clutter generated, and he declared that as soon as we were showered we weren't returning to the house until bedtime.  So we left.

We went to lunch, to the movies, to the mall, to church, to some friends' house and fully escaped our home for the day.  Although I was happy to be away from the clutter, I so disliked not seeing the inside of my home all day long.  Especially on a Sunday, my supposed day of rest. Even though all of the activities we did seem unlike work, it still wasn't the same type of rest generated by sitting on my couch watching a good baseball game.  Nevertheless we escaped our home for day one.

Day two arrived and the exterminators ousted us again in a different way.  They were scheduled to arrive between 9 and 10 and we weren't allowed near our apartment for four hours after they finished. Oy!  So Herb and I left again to try and fill our days with non-home locations.  Herb went to school, as did I.  Not only was I ousted, but I really wasn't feeling well.  I just wanted to be home in my bed, but alas, that was not to be.  So off I trudged to be productive at school.  I did find some reprieve in lunch and a movie with a good friend in the afternoon.  But I knew that once I arrived home, I still had to face the clutter!  Arg!

When we returned come evening, we began the tedious task of putting everything back.  Two more garbage bags full, and one more give away bag later, we had returned items to their rightful location.  We do have a bit more space and a bit less clutter, but the days left me impatient in our house buying process.  I don't want to feel like we're sufficiently wedged in every nook and cranny of this space we've rented.  I don't want to feel like there is no more room for anything else.  But that's how I feel.  And I question this emotion.  Shouldn't I just get rid of more things?  Live more simplistically? Embrace the small space?  After all, this is the reality for so many people around the US and the world.  I should be content. Get rid of clutter. But should be and is are sometimes distant destinations.

The truth is Herb and I will be fine in this apartment.  God will provide for us, protect us, and make room for us here.  But I will still dream of more, and someday more will become a reality.  Until then, I will do my very best to hold the clutter at bay.  At least I've gotten good at hiding it away. Just ask my living room floor how much was really in my cabinets and drawers!