Anticipation and Faithfulness

At church last night Pastor Bryan asked us to think about the theme of our lives for 2008. After brief ponderings I came up with anticipation. Anticipation of Herb graduating, anticipation for Herb's bar results, anticipation in getting a house. The waiting is how I initially characterized my year.

But then before communion Bryan prompted us to think about how God worked in our lives in 2008. So I began to scrutinize the details of our year more closely. Here's what I came up with:

Last winter began the long haul for Herb to complete his thesis paper for graduation. Not only was he challenged to find enough research, but in the final weeks he was asked to write a second paper. We questioned and feared that he might not graduate, but he did. The Lord was faithful to walk us through the anxiety and fears of those papers and left us joyfully tearful for huge accomplishments in May.

June began the push for the bar exam. Hours of studying, practice exams full of frustration, wondering if enough time was being invested. No surety in the results of the exam. July came and went, and with prayers and much waiting October arrived with a passing score. God was faithful to walk beside us as we waited on His timing and His results.

August found me heart broken in my classroom. The book was pulled, my teaching methods and ideas were questioned, and my students were torn apart. I lost faith in myself, I wondered if I truly was called to teaching, and I pondered where I belonged. By November I was sitting in Borders Books listening to my students speak so profoundly about the book and other novels, and like a proud mama I basked in how God is faithful to make all things good.

November also brought crumbling dreams of our first bid on a house. The home we initially hoped for fell through the cracks. Heartbreak and questioning ensued again. Couldn't one thing go right? But oh how our Father was faithful to place the perfect home in our laps! How beautiful His blessing and how covered in love this home is, just in time for the holidays!

In the midst of communion last night I realized that the theme for this year may have been anticipation on my human end of things, but God's theme for my year was His faithfulness. I am constantly drawn to this characteristic of God, it's an attribute I love and adore often. Yet the wonder and beauty of His faithfulness is new every morning, every year, especially this year. And I realized that it's more than His faithfulness I see as beautiful. Each of the hardships, though seemingly ugly in the midst, created such beautiful, awe-inspiring moments in my life this year. If I didn't have to live through the brokenness, would I have fully seen the joy? If these blessings had been easily granted to me, would I have seen them as the rich blessings they are? If the journey was a straight path, would I fully see and appreciate my steady, unchanging, faithful God leading me? Probably not. 2008 was full of heart ache and joy, waiting and unveiling, questioning and faith, but it was also always full of a faithful God.

Fatal Mistakes

Yesterday I found out that one of my former students died in a motorcycle accident Friday night. He was speeding and rear ended a car so hard that his helmet flew off. It is interesting to me that in the face of this senseless death, I searched and searched for more information, more details. Why do we do that? Will it somehow bring us more peace to understand more completely, to visualize more fully? Perhaps I believed I could understand the why better if I searched just a bit harder.

I know that I won't know the answer to the why. In general I find that I am okay with that, that I can trust that the Lord has a bigger plan. But trusting the Lord's plan is certainly harder when dealing with the death of someone so young. My student was 18 years old; he had just graduated last spring. His plan was to join the coast guard; he was a great swimmer and served as a lifeguard multiple summers in a row. There were plans in place, although there always are; whether the death occurs before birth or in old age, we are always thinking about tomorrow. Perhaps it is more than the plans, it is the idea of the life not lived. I do know that my student tried to live life fully in the best way adolescents know how. The motorcycle was an attempt to embrace life, but adolescents do not know how to walk that fine line between embracing life and being reckless. It is one of the hardest parts of being a high school teacher, and I'm sure a parent of teenagers as well. We give them knowledge, wisdom, and then we have to stand by and watch them make mistakes. Watch as they throw out our wisdom or embrace it. It is trying to observe, but if they don't make their own mistakes how will they learn? It is a constant prayer that their mistakes will be meaningful but not too harmful.

Now I find myself praying more diligently for those students grieving his loss because they are still at the age where they aren't going to learn from his mistake. Those students still have to make their own. What a tiny glimpse of what God must feel as He watches us make the same mistakes we've watched others make. It is painful to love others and not intervene. Free will comes at such a high cost. But He loves us enough to give it in hopes that we will grow into amazing people who will extend love and wisdom to others and to Him.

There's really no conclusion to this post, just a sadness. I am grateful for the blessings bestowed on me; I am cherishing each moment; I am praying for those who are hurting; I am praying for students to come. May we love much and may we never fail to show it when given the opportunity.

Pizza and Sparkling Cider

Last night Herb and I met at our new house, now officially ours, and ate pizza and drank sparkling cider on the floor. The house is mostly unfurnished (except for an amazing entertainment center the previous owners left for us) and we plopped ourselves down in the living room. We spent most of the night walking around the house trying to plot out what would go where and imagining our new lives together in the home. Herb prayed and blessed this amazing gift God has given us, and we just relished the idea that we have a place, our place, all our own! What a precious time to spend just the two of us on the first night as home owners! Enjoy these pictures that mark this momentous occasion in our lives together!

The picture Herb took!

The picture I took :-)

Herb's house warming gift!

Herb lounging. That's how you know it's home!

Have you seen me?

No? Me neither. This month has resulted in my disappearance. The combination of sickness, Christmas, the end of the semester and moving has caused me to fade away. I feel badly that I am not the same level of available to people that I normally am (which is limited in the first place), but I just can't seem to float to the surface. The only person who has really seen me is Herb, which has actually been a nice opportunity for us. We have shopped together, packed together and been sick together. While that has sometimes resulted in frustration or annoyance it's mostly been a wonderful time of working together.

I have been so blessed and in awe of the way in which Herb has handled the house details. Without prompting he has taken care of details that I didn't even think of. He's called and set up utilities and insurance, arranged meetings with the realtor and the title agency, and he's handled the loan questions. I have really seen his strengths come out, his ability to manage money and understand the processes necessary for success, which has been such an amazing gift. If I had to think of and deal with these details, who knows what would have gone undone! Praise God for my amazing husband!

My hope is that once we have moved into our house, we will have the place and time to open up our lives again to others, to resurface from the craziness. I look forward to that time! Until then...I'm still here, even if I'm hard to find. I'll post pictures of my crazy life after next weekend. Hopefully you'll be able to find me in a painted house!

Homeowners!

Herb and I went house hunting again yesterday. While I was anxious about trying to find a different house, one that would rival the original house, I was excited to hopefully find a place we could call home. We looked at a house right next door to Mark and Rachael and LOVED it! It was three bedroom and very spacious with a fireplace. Herb and I were pretty convinced this was the place, but we decided to keep looking since our Realtor had made appointments in other locations.

After cruising through a few others, we found a beautiful home at Houghton and Valencia. It is four bedroom, similar footage to the one next to Mark and Rachael, and had an adorable family-friendly back yard. This house would include all of the appliances, the security system, and the swing set in the backyard. We were torn because we loved it equally with the first house. We spent lunch and the rest of the afternoon deliberating, went back to the house near Mark and Rachael, and finally decided to put an offer on the Vail house.

This morning we signed the offer papers; it is owned by very stable sellers, no short sale to be told, so we expected to hear by tomorrow afternoon. Two hours ago we received a phone call. They countered for a little more than we offered, but much within our price range, in fact the same we were hoping to pay for our original house! Plus, we don't have to buy the appliances as we would have had to with the original house! So we accepted it! We will soon be homeowners, saving any big problems! We will close December 17th and be "home" in time for Christmas! Or at least painting in time for Christmas! I'm so excited! I love it and the home is beautiful! If you'd like to check out pictures head to:

http://tarmls.com/
Click on Public Search
Listing number: 20836190

There are tons of pictures! Check them out, tell me what you think, and tell me if you have any decorating or paint color ideas! You know I need the help! Thanks for your love and support through this whole process! We'll impose on you just a little longer to help us paint and move in! Can't wait!

One of those songs...

You know how there are those songs that just uplift your spirit, quiet your heart? The words impact you in a powerful way and change your perspective on life, even if just for that moment? My senior year in high school that song was "Move or Move Me" by FFH. The cry out to God just fit my circumstance, my need in that moment. To this day I still get chills upon hearing that song.

I have a new "one of those songs." I've heard it three times in the last two days and it has spoken into my discouragement and centered my heart on the truth of who God is and who I am in Him. Sometimes I can learn new things by listening to these songs that others point out, understand where they are without them ever having to put their emotions into words. I thought maybe I'd offer the same opportunity to you all tonight. So here is my song:

Addison Road - Hope Now
From the album Addison Road

If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of?
When I call out your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I'm yours

I'm not my own
I've been carried by you
All my life

Chorus:
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

When my life is like a storm
Rising waters, all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok
And make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm

I'm not my own
I've been carried by you
All my life

Chorus:

You've become my heart's desire
And I will sing your praises higher
Cause your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free

Grace and Mercy

Remember that old Newsboys song: "When you get what you don't deserve, it's a real good thing, a real good thing. When you don't get what you deserve, it's a real good thing, a real good thing"?

Last week was a practice in the art of grace and mercy for me. God was gracious and merciful to me, but even more than that I learned something about being "deserving." I like the American philosophy, it jives very well with my personality. If you work hard, you will reap the benefits. If you are patient and do the right thing, you will be rewarded. I think I've said before that I'm very driven by rewards. If I do something ahead of time, I'm rewarded with time off later. If I invest time in my relationships, I'm rewarded with strong friendships. For the most part I like my cause and effect statements, but I had a hard lesson in realizing that this isn't always how God works. The thing is when it comes to God, there's no entitlement. We don't "deserve" anything but the consequences of our sins. And by His grace, we don't get what we "deserve." My spirit is learning all of this the hard way these days. Let me explain with some examples from last week:

When we get what we don't deserve...that's how I feel about Obama being elected. I'm not sure that he deserves the title of President. I believe it is by the grace of the American people that he is where he is. I thought that my prayers for this election would be enough for me to "deserve" McCain as President. I thought that Aunt Kelly "deserved" a win for her "team" in honor of her memory. But that's not how it happened...hopefully the American public won't get what it "deserves" by electing Obama. God is sovereign after all.

When we get what we don't deserve...I was blessed with an amazing experience at Borders last Wednesday, one I didn't "deserve". Some of my students, current and former, along with staff, family and friends came to Borders to hear a brilliant man speak about the book Another Country. Not only did the speaker reveal the glorious history of this book (it was challenged by the President and reviewed by the FBI in 1962 when it was a national best seller--they deemed it of literary merit!), but he engaged the audience in a discussion of the novel. My students spoke with such confidence and poise about their thoughts on the characters, setting, plot, and symbolism; I have never been filled with such joy and so humbled by the students God graciously allows me to teach. I'm not sure I "deserved" that moment, but I was grateful for it nonetheless.

When we don't get what we deserve...we found out Thursday that we didn't get the house. After seven weeks of waiting and dreaming about our life in that house, we were told that the lender counter-offered with $35,000 more than the listing price that we placed as an offer. I am not sure what the logic was or how they thought we would pay that much more than we had originally planned, but I know that it left me brokenhearted. I feel defeated, disheartened and lost. As I was arguing with God last night (He is amazing because He lets me do just that), I told Him that I'd put Herb through law school, I'd waited to start my family, I'd worked in a job that was very demanding, I'd loved on the people around me, I'd served at church, I'd sought to grow as a believer, didn't I deserve this little piece of happiness? To which He calmly answered, No. This doesn't mean that He doesn't want good for me or that the plans He has for me aren't amazing, BUT those things won't come because I "deserve" them. I can't earn them. I can't stake claim to them because God gives and takes away according to His good plan, not because of the things I've done to earn them. That's a hard pill to swallow because it is so counter to my affinity for the American philosophy, but then again, I'm very thankful that he doesn't give me what I "deserve." Because the wages of sin is death and I'm pretty jazzed that I didn't get what I earned there. I can't have it both ways. I either get what I "deserve", what I've earned, or I don't. I don't "deserve" a house, but I believe that God will give me what I don't "deserve" in His own good time. I believe that's called hope.

Finally, when we get what we don't deserve...my momma loves me and gave me a little spending money to enjoy while in Disneyland this weekend. I'm not good at spending money on myself, it's an art I'm glad I haven't mastered. But I did well this weekend, I took the gift given to me and enjoyed it. Not only did we find joy at the happiest place on earth, but I left with some fun Christmas souvenirs. I bought myself , or rather Mom bought me, some Christmas serving platters for my Christmas goodies and a Christmas throw blanket for me to snuggle under during these next few cold months. These were blessings to me, things I didn't "deserve," but I was thankful for them nonetheless.

I've learned these past weeks that grace and mercy aren't cut and dry. They aren't as straightforward as the Newsboys touted. But that is the nature of God. He is complex and mysterious, gracious and merciful, beyond my human comprehension. I will not pretend to understand fully now, but I will consider myself blessed when He offers me what I don't "deserve."