Love them like Jesus...

I've got a few other post ideas stored up for the day when I'm not grading until my eyes bleed, but until then I wanted to share the lyrics to this song I re-stumbled upon on my iPod today. I've been more than saddened and frustrated as people have tried to "fix" me in the last six months, but I've also really struggled to articulate what it is I want them to do. I know very much how difficult it is to watch someone you love suffer. I know that it would be so much easier if her pain were gone because then we wouldn't struggle so much to understand why or try to help. I know sadness is wearying. This song seems to best portray the struggle from the observer's point of view and the griever's. It is my prayer that you feel the same comfort I felt in hearing it as you read it. I know for many of you I have looked at you with the look described, with darkness clouding my view and desperate for hope. I also know that many of you have offered this very service that the song suggests--you have loved me like Jesus. Thank you for that, thank you for those moments. It is my prayer that I offer this same love to others as they grieve and suffer.

Love Them Like Jesus
By Casting Crowns

The love of her life is drifting away
They’re losing the fight for another day
The life that she’s known is falling apart
A fatherless home, a child’s broken heart

You’re holding her hand, you’re straining for words
You’re trying to make sense of it all
She's desperate for hope, darkness clouding her view
She's looking to you

Just love her like Jesus, carry her to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
Just know that He loves her and stay by her side
Love her like Jesus
Love her like Jesus

The gifts lie in wait, in a room painted blue
Little blessing from Heaven would be there soon
Hope fades in the night, blue skies turn to grey
As the little one slips away

You’re holding their hand, you’re straining for words
You’re trying to make sense of it all
They’re desperate for hope, darkness clouding their view
They’re looking to you

Just love them like Jesus, carry them to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus

Lord of all creation holds our lives in His hands
The God of all the nations holds our lives in His hands
The Rock of our salvation holds our lives in His hands
He cares for them just as He cares for you

So love them like Jesus, love them like Jesus
You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus
Love them like Jesus

Treasuring and Pondering

"But Mary treasured up all these things pondering them in her heart." Luke 2:19

The word ponder in this verse means to "weigh heavy". I don't think that it is any coincidence that I read this verse in my devotional today, the day I was to become a mother. I have been treasuring up precious moments for the last 10 months, the last 5 months, the last week, taking notice of the little glimpses of my God. I have been treasuring up pieces of God's word (Psalm 119:11) and treasuring up pieces of my journey, relics of what was lost. And today I am left to ponder...

I have spent much of my week and much of today pondering what my life would have been like in these moments if Hope were still here. I "weighed heavy" the dreams lost of: putting the final touches on the baby room, packing a bag for the hospital, sleeping uncomfortably under the weight of my huge belly, holding my precious Hope in my arms, breastfeeding her for the first time, holding her close to my heart as I sang her first lullaby. These lost dreams have weighed heavy on me; they have caused my body to ache and my heart to break; they have caused tears and unbearable sobs. There is no lightness to the path I've walked these last few days. I have certainly had no loss at pondering these things...

I have spent much time pondering my dreams, pondering what it is I hope for in this life and what I hope to achieve. I have weighed this heavy as well as I even struggle to articulate what my hopes are--so many of my dreams are centered around being a mom, having a family, caring for others. Without these ambitions I begin to feel lost. And so I ponder who I am...

I weigh heavy who I am called to be right now if not a mom. A teacher, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend. I don't feel particularly successful at any of these roles right now. But the biggest identity that weighs heavy on my heart, the me I feel most centered around is daughter of God.

Today specifically as I prayed, God weighed heavy on my heart my place in His arms, on His lap, in His kingdom. He is just, He is faithful, He is compassionate, and He is mine. Of all of my failures and brokenness, I can still come sit at His feet and praise Him. He is my portion, and if nothing else I am His prize.

Which leads me to my greatest pondering of this last week. My counselor said last Saturday "I want you to recognize that life would not be any better right now if Hope were coming this week." I initially told him he was wrong. He said that if Hope coming was God's plan, it would have been good, but God purposed her not to arrive this week and since it is part of His plan, this is also good. I still said he was wrong, and yet his words have nagged at me all week. It certainly feels like life would be better if Hope were coming to join us today--the gift of my little one in my arms seems like the best that life has to offer. But I've been pondering this earthly wisdom of mine ever since.

This idea of "better" has been weighing heavy on my heart. What do I consider better or best for my life? I certainly would have chosen to have Hope join our family this week, no doubt in my mind. But God chose differently. I most definitely would not have selected to walk the road I have been walking the last 5 months and yet God called me to this road.

I pondered these things all week and then my devotional, Hope for Everyday, challenged the very core of my pondering this afternoon: "Are you willing to admit that your understanding is limited and say to God even now, 'You are right'? Will you trust that God will always do what is right with you and your life and those you love?" (Guthrie). I think I have to trust that this road is right, that there is no other road I am to be on. I think I have to trust that this road is no better than the road that would have lead Hope to my arms today. But I think the key word is trust, believing that this is an equally good road.

I think I can ponder all I want and I do think the pondering can lead me to trust God's orchestration in my life. But I am also going to continue to do what Mary first did, I am going to "treasure". I think treasuring involves living and grieving in these moments. I think treasuring involves missing my daughter and what might have been this week. I think treasuring means sitting in my rocking chair crying over my empty arms tonight. Because it is in the treasuring, in the emotional journey, that I can then ponder and trust. Very little trust is required if the road is easy and the charge light. How can we "weigh heavy" those things that don't weigh heavily? We absolutely still can, but I don't think we treasure or ponder or trust in the same way.

So today I will treasure both what is lost and what is found. Today as I miss my little girl so much I can't breathe I will trust in the God who is guiding my path. And I will ponder the "better" path on this day, April 7th, 2010, a day full of nothing I could have planned.