Monday, December 29, 2008

Anticipation and Faithfulness

At church last night Pastor Bryan asked us to think about the theme of our lives for 2008. After brief ponderings I came up with anticipation. Anticipation of Herb graduating, anticipation for Herb's bar results, anticipation in getting a house. The waiting is how I initially characterized my year.

But then before communion Bryan prompted us to think about how God worked in our lives in 2008. So I began to scrutinize the details of our year more closely. Here's what I came up with:

Last winter began the long haul for Herb to complete his thesis paper for graduation. Not only was he challenged to find enough research, but in the final weeks he was asked to write a second paper. We questioned and feared that he might not graduate, but he did. The Lord was faithful to walk us through the anxiety and fears of those papers and left us joyfully tearful for huge accomplishments in May.

June began the push for the bar exam. Hours of studying, practice exams full of frustration, wondering if enough time was being invested. No surety in the results of the exam. July came and went, and with prayers and much waiting October arrived with a passing score. God was faithful to walk beside us as we waited on His timing and His results.

August found me heart broken in my classroom. The book was pulled, my teaching methods and ideas were questioned, and my students were torn apart. I lost faith in myself, I wondered if I truly was called to teaching, and I pondered where I belonged. By November I was sitting in Borders Books listening to my students speak so profoundly about the book and other novels, and like a proud mama I basked in how God is faithful to make all things good.

November also brought crumbling dreams of our first bid on a house. The home we initially hoped for fell through the cracks. Heartbreak and questioning ensued again. Couldn't one thing go right? But oh how our Father was faithful to place the perfect home in our laps! How beautiful His blessing and how covered in love this home is, just in time for the holidays!

In the midst of communion last night I realized that the theme for this year may have been anticipation on my human end of things, but God's theme for my year was His faithfulness. I am constantly drawn to this characteristic of God, it's an attribute I love and adore often. Yet the wonder and beauty of His faithfulness is new every morning, every year, especially this year. And I realized that it's more than His faithfulness I see as beautiful. Each of the hardships, though seemingly ugly in the midst, created such beautiful, awe-inspiring moments in my life this year. If I didn't have to live through the brokenness, would I have fully seen the joy? If these blessings had been easily granted to me, would I have seen them as the rich blessings they are? If the journey was a straight path, would I fully see and appreciate my steady, unchanging, faithful God leading me? Probably not. 2008 was full of heart ache and joy, waiting and unveiling, questioning and faith, but it was also always full of a faithful God.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Fatal Mistakes

Yesterday I found out that one of my former students died in a motorcycle accident Friday night. He was speeding and rear ended a car so hard that his helmet flew off. It is interesting to me that in the face of this senseless death, I searched and searched for more information, more details. Why do we do that? Will it somehow bring us more peace to understand more completely, to visualize more fully? Perhaps I believed I could understand the why better if I searched just a bit harder.

I know that I won't know the answer to the why. In general I find that I am okay with that, that I can trust that the Lord has a bigger plan. But trusting the Lord's plan is certainly harder when dealing with the death of someone so young. My student was 18 years old; he had just graduated last spring. His plan was to join the coast guard; he was a great swimmer and served as a lifeguard multiple summers in a row. There were plans in place, although there always are; whether the death occurs before birth or in old age, we are always thinking about tomorrow. Perhaps it is more than the plans, it is the idea of the life not lived. I do know that my student tried to live life fully in the best way adolescents know how. The motorcycle was an attempt to embrace life, but adolescents do not know how to walk that fine line between embracing life and being reckless. It is one of the hardest parts of being a high school teacher, and I'm sure a parent of teenagers as well. We give them knowledge, wisdom, and then we have to stand by and watch them make mistakes. Watch as they throw out our wisdom or embrace it. It is trying to observe, but if they don't make their own mistakes how will they learn? It is a constant prayer that their mistakes will be meaningful but not too harmful.

Now I find myself praying more diligently for those students grieving his loss because they are still at the age where they aren't going to learn from his mistake. Those students still have to make their own. What a tiny glimpse of what God must feel as He watches us make the same mistakes we've watched others make. It is painful to love others and not intervene. Free will comes at such a high cost. But He loves us enough to give it in hopes that we will grow into amazing people who will extend love and wisdom to others and to Him.

There's really no conclusion to this post, just a sadness. I am grateful for the blessings bestowed on me; I am cherishing each moment; I am praying for those who are hurting; I am praying for students to come. May we love much and may we never fail to show it when given the opportunity.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Pizza and Sparkling Cider

Last night Herb and I met at our new house, now officially ours, and ate pizza and drank sparkling cider on the floor. The house is mostly unfurnished (except for an amazing entertainment center the previous owners left for us) and we plopped ourselves down in the living room. We spent most of the night walking around the house trying to plot out what would go where and imagining our new lives together in the home. Herb prayed and blessed this amazing gift God has given us, and we just relished the idea that we have a place, our place, all our own! What a precious time to spend just the two of us on the first night as home owners! Enjoy these pictures that mark this momentous occasion in our lives together!
The picture Herb took!
The picture I took :-)
Herb's house warming gift!
Herb lounging. That's how you know it's home!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Have you seen me?

No? Me neither. This month has resulted in my disappearance. The combination of sickness, Christmas, the end of the semester and moving has caused me to fade away. I feel badly that I am not the same level of available to people that I normally am (which is limited in the first place), but I just can't seem to float to the surface. The only person who has really seen me is Herb, which has actually been a nice opportunity for us. We have shopped together, packed together and been sick together. While that has sometimes resulted in frustration or annoyance it's mostly been a wonderful time of working together.

I have been so blessed and in awe of the way in which Herb has handled the house details. Without prompting he has taken care of details that I didn't even think of. He's called and set up utilities and insurance, arranged meetings with the realtor and the title agency, and he's handled the loan questions. I have really seen his strengths come out, his ability to manage money and understand the processes necessary for success, which has been such an amazing gift. If I had to think of and deal with these details, who knows what would have gone undone! Praise God for my amazing husband!

My hope is that once we have moved into our house, we will have the place and time to open up our lives again to others, to resurface from the craziness. I look forward to that time! Until then...I'm still here, even if I'm hard to find. I'll post pictures of my crazy life after next weekend. Hopefully you'll be able to find me in a painted house!