The Mary Mom

Now as they were traveling along, He entered a village; and a woman named Martha welcomed Him into her home. She had a sister called Mary, who was seated at the Lord’s feet, listening to His word. But Martha was distracted with all her preparations; and she came up to Him and said, “Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to do all the serving alone? Then tell her to help me.” But the Lord answered and said to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things; but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:38-42

Quite a few years ago now I read a book, one of my more favorite books, Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World.  I've actually read it several times and I'm thinking I might just need to read it again.  Recently I've been overwhelmed and often in tears about all that I can't and don't get done.  My house is far from clean, let alone organized, my hair is unwashed and untidy, my friendships are lacking in good communication and love and attention, my prayer time is scattered here, there and everywhere, and I certainly don't have time for the latest Pinterest project or reading through a whole Facebook feed.  Sunday night I began the ridiculous process of beating myself up once again for failing to be the mom who can do things like edit a friend's paper AND make a craft with Izzy AND vacuum my floor.  I began displacing my frustration onto my two year old; "Why won't Izzy just play independently for a while? Why does she always want my attention and interaction? Why won't she just play while I sweep and mop the floors?"  She's two for Heaven's sakes!  The real question is "Why am I asking her to be someone she's not right now?" And I think the answer lies in the fact that I got caught up, once again, in being a Martha Mom. 

I find myself getting caught up in the "preparations" for life as a mom. Do I have enough snacks in the diaper bag? Do I have the diaper bag? Do I have enough activities to get us through the day? Do I have enough adventures for us to go on this week? Can I feed my family and whoever decides to drop by?  Is my floor clean enough that babies won't ingest foreign objects as they crawl around?  Notice the word repeated in there? Enough--am I enough?  I feel like that's what was running through Martha's head as she prepared for Jesus.  "Do I have enough food to feed all of the guests who drop by wanting to meet the Teacher?  Is my house tidy enough that people have places to sit?  Do I look presentable enough to entertain this amazing man and his followers?  Have I done enough??? Come on Mary, help me! I'm trying to get this all done here!"

And Jesus says, "Stop striving and come sit by your sister. She has chosen communion with me. She has chosen relationship over realities. She has chosen intimacy over worry. She has chosen quality time over quality of stuff. Come sit with me."  

I know that this call is for us to sit at Jesus' feet, but I'm beginning to wonder if this is also a call to sit at the feet of my children as well.  Perhaps Jesus is calling us to be still and be with our children.  To choose relationship over the realities of a dirty house.  To choose intimate moments of laughter and playing pretend over fear that we don't have the right activities planned.  To choose to give undivided attention to our kiddos instead of half-heartedly cleaning our house or scrolling on the Internet.  God has called me to this job right now, the job of mothering, and yes homemaker as well, but I believe mothering is the higher calling.  I can get so caught up in the "shoulds" of life--my house should be clean and organized, I should have fun activities planned, I should have somewhere exciting to go every day, I should document every exciting thing that happens with my camera--that I miss the moments with my kids.  I'm wondering if, in these precious years, I need to be a Mary Mom. 

This requires a conscious moment by moment choice to let go of the endless to do lists and societal pressures I place on myself.  This requires me to be content with less than perfect in, let's be honest, most areas of my life.  This requires me to be still, to be focused and to be content with interacting with my kids.  It is a discipline at this point to set aside other things in order to place my children at the forefront. But that discipline is important because God has called me to help my children become disciples, and the only way I can truly do that is if I make time with them a priority.  In our fast paced society I find it so hard to be still, to not multitask, to just rest in one thing, with one relationship, with one person.  Perhaps if I practice this discipline in my interactions with my children, my ability to be still with my Father will also be honed.

I honestly had a hard time practicing this exact principle today as I sat to write this post.  It's been on my heart and so I longed to put it down in writing.  But about one paragraph in, Josh woke up from his nap.  I was so tempted to get him fed, get him happy with a toy and sit back down to start writing away.  It was SO tempting!  It would just take a few minutes.  I, however, chose to sing songs and play with him.  It might not have been productive in the traditional sense and I might not have much to show for that time spent right now, but I placed importance on my time with him.  I won't always get to do this.  There are responsibilities I must fulfill--making dinner, doing laundry, washing dishes--so if I have the choice to give him my time in this moment, why wouldn't I? I need to sit at my babies' feet. I need to be a Mary Mom, most other things can wait.

Don't Forget to Remember Me

Good morning!  And yes, it is early morning.  Isabelle was awake at 5 am this morning, so I am also awake.  But I'm coming to find that my sweetest encounters with Jesus come when I'm not supposed to be awake.  My beloved sleep that I so deeply cherish is indeed an idol to me and when I let go and surrender to the time with God I find my soul deeply nourished. 

This morning I was reading Matthew 26, reading once again about the plot on Jesus' life, about the hours Christ spent in anguish in the Garden and I was prompted to re-read my old blog post on this topic.  This of course spawned a longer journey through my writings over the past years.  I came to a lot of realizations in my readings but one of the biggest ones is that I REALLY miss blogging!  It is so much a part of me to process who I am, what I'm going through, what God is teaching me, aloud.  And it really is no wonder to me why I have had such a difficult time processing and working through the works of God's hands these last two years when I haven't really processed in the way most helpful to me--through written word.  This realization of course comes at a crazy time in my life, our little Josh will be here in 6 weeks give or take a few days, and there is still my little bundle of energy Isabelle to keep me moving constantly, but I want to try and write!  I really want to try to reconnect with this missing piece of myself.

I think one of the harder parts of parenting has been this complete shift in identity that I have undergone.  I really have felt like I have no idea who I am these last two years.  Part of that stems from the incredibly unhealthy ways that I found all of my identity in teaching.  When I am not a teacher, who am I then?  Part of it stems from a complete shift in my view of God as a result of being a mom (see The Disillusioned Mom).  Part of it comes out of my complete inability to control any of my universe anymore; laughable I know, like I had any control in the first place!  And I have to believe that a great deal of it comes from my lack of time, time that is my own to read scripture, be in prayer, be in meditation about what I'm reading.  What mom really has time to process anything?  I know lots of my time with Izzy comes sitting on the floor playing pretend, but it doesn't leave my brain a lot of room for pondering. 

One of the pieces of me that I've really been missing these days is my joy.  I feel like I used to be a joy-filled person.  I really feel like my Hope in who God is colored my demeanor and outlook with a joy.  It is possible that this is just a twisted remembrance of the way things were but I certainly know that I have been more full of complaining than usual these last few...I'd like to say months, but let's go with years, it's probably more honest.  I feel like I've been caught up in the whirlwind of what I can't fix, what is out of my control, what is going wrong in my life.  I haven't been looking for the good, or if I have I haven't been doing it very diligently. 

This is a broken mindset on my part.  The same amount of good AND bad are still present in my life.  I'm pretty sure that the trials and tribulations of teaching were equal or tantamount to those of parenting.  I think I just stopped looking for, and thus finding, the ways that God was at work.  This isn't to say that I have been completely oblivious to His hand because I can list a myriad of ways I've watched God powerfully intervene these last few years, but I think I stopped rejoicing in those victories in the same way.

My word for this year is contentment.  I am asking God to grow me in peace and contentment in the circumstances He has me in.  I don't want to look anywhere else for meaning or purpose--I want to look to Jesus.  I don't want to become fixated on what I don't have or how my life could be easier if, but rather I want to see what I do have, how my life is easier with Him.  I am praying that this will return my joy to me. 

As I re-read my blog posts today what I saw was a God who faithfully showed up in my life; a God who never left me.  A God who brought beauty for ashes.  A God who brought glory through pain.  A God who brought redemption and Hope out of the most broken of circumstances.  And I was overwhelmed with joy!  What a joy it is to be reminded that our Redeemer lives, that He is living and active in my life.  I want to be constantly remembering these life-giving stories because even if everything in my day today looks bleak, He is still the same God who did all of those mighty and powerful things in days past.  When I struggle to find a reason to sing today, all I need to do is remember yesterday because He gave me plenty of reasons to sing!

"I've got to keep singing, I've got to keep praising Your name.  You're the one that's keeping my heart beating! I've got to keep singing, I've got to keep praising Your name.  You're the only way that I find meaning. Can I climb up in Your lap?  I don't want to leave.  Jesus sing over me!  I've got to keep singing."

I don't want to forget to remember Jesus, my faithful Father, or the precious Comforter I have in the Holy Spirit.  I need to remember.  I need to stop fixating on the woes of the moment and think back.  I need to look in the face of my most beautiful, passionate, silly, smart, loving, tender-hearted daughter and remember what a real miracle she is!  That each moment I get to laugh with her in the snow or explore the rocks on the street or read that same book again is a reason to rejoice!  I need to look at my husband who works so very hard to provide for our family, who delights in the silliest ramblings on the Internet, who fills my humidifier every night, who repeatedly calls Isabelle his "beautiful girl" and rejoice that God has given him to me to share life with.  I need to look at my God and delight in the beautiful sunset He painted just for me, remember the life-giving words He has provided for me in a land where I am free to read and meditate on them, realize how precious it is that He invites me to intimately talk to a Holy God in the early quiet of the morning or really at any moment of the day.  These things are all joy-giving.  I need to remember!  Remembering is so very important.

Help me, will you?  When I wander down the path of complaining and ungratefulness, remind me to look behind me, to look around, to take notice.  I have reasons to rejoice.  Help me remember!