"All of the sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory" ~"How He Loves Us" by David Crowder Band
I've been trying to think of a way to encapsulate my emotions for the last week, a way to concisely express the roller coaster I have been riding. I am not sure that I will do the last 7 days justice, but I want to try.
As we anticipated our ultrasound last Tuesday, I vacillated between immense excitement and intense fear. I was so excited to see our wee-one again, to see that little baby that I have already fallen for! But I also was fearful--fearful that the ultrasound would show no beating heart or debilitating Down's syndrome. Even as we sat in the waiting room awaiting our appointment, I wasn't sure what to trust, what to believe. But I did know that there were several butterflies flitting in front of the perinatal building when we walked in, which did leave me feeling hopeful.
When they called us back to the ultrasound room, I was thankful to see a familiar face. The same woman who performed our ultrasound at 8 weeks was there again to do this one. She remembered us, remembered our story, and was SO incredibly sweet to us! She explained in great detail what we were looking for and then took a lot of time in showing us the baby. She (I SO wish I could remember her name) excitedly thanked me for having such a full bladder (you know me, always happy to oblige in that area!) and exclaimed that the baby was posing perfectly for the pictures she needed. Then she happily announced that the thickness of the baby's neck was picture perfect--exactly what we would want to see! After she took the pictures she needed, she then just took some time letting us watch our little one! The baby was SO active bouncing around, pulling on the umbilical cord, showing us all angles. What a joy to be able to observe our baby's movements and actions! The tech then offered to take a 3D picture of the baby--this was and is the most precious gift I've received! I love that we can see her/his little face--I'm in love with this face!
The ultrasound tech then checked for the baby's gender, explaining that she would only be able to tell us for certain if it was a boy. There appeared to be nothing there, so she said she was leaning toward girl, but she couldn't say for certain. Daddy Herb claims that this means nothing--he is still sticking with his claims of a boy, but to me this face looks like he might just be wrong...but we'll see!After the ultrasound the tech took me back to get my blood drawn. As I settled into my chair I looked up to the wall and found the most beautiful picture of a monarch butterfly gracing my eyes! This baby, this experience was blessed with the hope of a butterfly, a big, faith-filled butterfly!
While I cried many tears of joy, I realized I was getting a glimpse of glory, a glimpse of God's presence in my life. So many songs, so many verses promise that when we are eclipsed by God's glory all pain will fade. I was by no means eclipsed, or immersed in glory, but I did get a peek, a precious, life-giving peek. God's glory allowed me such joy, such immense joy in those moments, that my pain was standing in the background. It hadn't disappeared, in fact it absolutely colored my experience, but it colored my experience in a true way--the glory was greater because I knew the pain. The pain did become more memory than reality in those moments. God showed me His glory, in a gracious hope-giving blessing that I am so grateful for!
In the days following I must have glowed like Moses after his mountain top glimpse of glory! But quickly the glimpse of glory slipped from my mind because of fear. Friday morning I was unplugging my charger from an outlet and I shocked my hand pretty badly. Instantly I was overwhelmed by fear--fear that I had just killed this baby. I couldn't shake the overwhelming sadness and trepidation that came from the what ifs. I called the doctor and initially the receptionist said that I would have to go to triage to make sure everything was okay. I was terrified because it was in that very triage that I found out Hope was dead. After the receptionist spoke with the doctor, the doctor reassured me that everything was perfectly fine--there was nothing to fear. While I struggled to believe that I couldn't help but notice how God cared for me.
Butterflies, butterflies everywhere. All weekend long I constantly encountered butterflies. I even found a set of butterfly pins at Disneyland! God is so good to have reassured me, comforted me with this symbol of hope that is mine, my gift from my heavenly Father! I have come to realize that butterflies are another glimpse I get of God's glory, God's magnificence. Because when I see these butterflies I am overwhelmed with the love of my Father, the gentle way that He cares for me. I am radiant after seeing these peeps at butterflies because I know my God is good; He sees my need and meets me in that place.
I cannot wait until I am able to be washed over by God's glory, until all my pain will fade to memory, until I can no longer see my afflictions. I cannot wait to move beyond small glimmers of glory and bask in the the warmth of it all. But until then, oh am I thankful for my glimpses of glory, for the moments when I am reminded of who God is and how overwhelmingly magnificent He is! And I am grateful for my little ones--this baby growing inside of me and my Hope and Joseph revisiting me with their butterflies--and how they enable me to see the glory of my gracious God!
