Thursday, October 27, 2011

Season of Hope

I'm not sure what I thought it would be like when Isabelle arrived. I certainly did not believe that Isabelle's presence would somehow erase the pain and sorrow over the death of Hope, but what I wasn't aware of is how much deeper the ache would be when we had Isabelle. You see, I now know with greater understanding how much I have missed and will continue to miss of Hope. I never did get to see Hope giggle or master the art of rolling or crawling or exploring. I will never snuggle with Hope in the wee hours of the night or hold her close when she cries. I won't have those moments where I just look at Hope with an overwhelming sense of God's love for me and my certain love for my sweet daughter. These moments are so precious with Isabelle and I am so incredibly grateful for them; I am so blessed to have Isabelle in my life and yet I still have a longing for Hope.

We're entering into the season of Hope, really we're already here. So many things about October and November trigger the memory of losing my sweet baby girl. Things like watching playoff baseball and choosing Halloween costumes remind me of sitting on the couch on bed rest wishing to be back at work. The first signs of the flu, runny nose, aching throat, take me back to the sleepless nights I spent at Herb's parents house when we were there for his reunion...the flu that started there was the beginning of the end. Silly things like the smell of smoke in Herb's car, which prompted a ridiculous argument right before we lost Hope, penetrate my memory. Our minds are so tragically beautiful in the way they remember. I am so grateful to remember the last moments I shared with Hope and yet the memories pain me when I am least expecting it.

I'm not sure what to do with the season of Hope this year. I am most certainly teary and I often find myself snuggling Isabelle for as long as she'll let me. I plan for us to go visit the Children's Memorial Park on the 10th, but these simple things don't seem like enough. And so, as with everything, I have to take it to Jesus. He has to be the one to hold Hope a little more tightly this year, to rejoice in her laughter, and clap at her milestones. Jesus has the joy of being Hope's Daddy in Herb's absence. Herb is the most amazing father I could have never imagined and I am grieved that Hope never knew him like Isabelle does, but Hope knows the greatest Father; the Father who never has to leave for work, or mow the lawn, or discipline her. The Father who gets to sit and watch her play every day to His great delight. I am so grateful that Hope knows her heavenly Father and now my daily prayer is that Isabelle will know Him the way Hope does.

In this season of Hope I will be teary, I will be overcome with memories, I will be sentimental, but I will also Hope. I love her name--it is the definition of how I get through days, of who I know my God to be. My sweet baby girl lives on in her name and in my heart through this season and always.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Remember Dreams Come True!

This last weekend Herb and I had the pure joy of taking Isabelle to Disneyland for the first time! Because our annual passes had expired we weren't sure when we'd be able to return but I had a few days left on a military pass from Thanksgiving and we gave Herb a ticket for Father's day. So off to Anaheim we went on Thursday. I was more nervous about the drive than I was about taking Izzy into the park. I wouldn't say the drive went smoothly but we only added an hour total to our usual journey and she didn't all out cry for more than 10 minutes total, so I would call it a success. Sadly she didn't sleep much in the car so when we arrived at the hotel she was SUPER tired! Sleeping in a new environment and under non-ideal circumstances had her awake at 7:30 Friday morning (despite going to bed around 1) OR perhaps she was just far too excited about Disneyland to sleep! I choose to believe the latter!

We arrived at the park, walked through those magical gates and took the all important family picture in front of Mickey and the train. Isabelle was enjoying just taking in the sights and sounds of Main Street. We introduced her to pin trading right away and even found a few pins she liked ;-) Then we went to get Space Mountain fast passes and found that the line was only 10 minutes! This Momma had not ridden Space Mountain in over two years so we left Izzy with Grandma and took off on our roller coaster type ride through space. It had been so long since I had been on the ride that I didn't remember the turns, which made the ride all that much more exciting!

When we got off we headed toward Peter Pan to Herb's chagrin and my great joy! I couldn't think of a better ride to introduce Isabelle to the joy of Disneyland than those flying boats. As we waited in the queue people looked adoringly at our sweet girl and she began to fade. By the time we reached the boat she had zonked out! She woke up briefly when Captain Hook reared his ugly head but continued her doze in the stroller for another half an hour. Meanwhile my mom and I rode Indiana Jones while Herb stayed with Izzy, and then Herb and I hopped on the Big Thunder and enjoyed the Wildest Ride in the Wilderness! By the time we returned our Bean was wide awake. We went to the baby center to eat and Isabelle was far to interested in all of the other babies and pictures on the wall to eat. She just loves to take in everyone and everything! She's so observant and interested in the world around her! I think it was the perfect time for her first Disneyland adventure!

Before we headed off for lunch we made a quick stop at Buzz Lightyear. I'm pretty sure this was Isabelle's favorite ride! She kept looking around at all the lights and talking, talking, talking through the whole thing! Because the ride stopped I managed to get a pretty darn high score even with an Izzy on my lap, but sadly she was too little to show up in the picture :-( But we know she was there and that she had a great time!

For lunch we met my Aunt Kasey, and cousins Domo and Megan at ESPN Zone for lunch. We let Isabelle roll around on a blanket on the floor, which she loved, and she also had a grand old time watching the 20 sports filled TVs! Herb held her while we ate lunch--he figured his hamburger and fries were easy enough to consume with an Izzy on his lap. Lo and behold I look over to find that Isabelle has snatched up a french fry from his plate and is gnawing away at it! I wish we had snapped a picture before snatching it away from her! She had a sly look in her eye--she knew what she had gotten away with! Once the fry was pried from her hand she started reaching for Herb's Coke Zero. I'm pretty confident she's his kid ;-)

Isabelle fell asleep as we walked back to California Adventure, so we grabbed some Soaring fast passes and went to check out the new Little Mermaid ride. The ride was fantastic and beautiful! It really felt like we were Under the Sea, but sadly Ursala was a bit too loud for Izzy and she woke up again. My poor sweet girl was just too excited to nap!

Herb took Izzy to the room to let her roll around a bit while Mom and I headed back into the park to ride Splash Mountain in attempts to cool off. It was hotter than blazes both days, which was quite exhausting, and sadly we didn't get wet on Splash. I think that anytime you actually want to get wet on Splash you never do and conversely anytime you want to be dry you find yourself drenched! So we opted for a Dole Whip to cool off while we watched the new Soundsational Parade. I can't wait until Isabelle is old enough to watch the parade intently! I love watching the faces of little kids as the characters pass by!

When we went back to the room Isabelle was still super warm. So she and I took a bath swim to cool down. Boy did she have a great time in the bath tub! I'm pretty sure that the bath tub was her favorite ride at Disneyland! She splashed and splashed and splashed! After she had cooled down I tried to put her to sleep for the night so that Herb and I could head back to watch fireworks. Our sweet girl was just far too overtired to sleep, so we didn't make it to the night shows that evening, which was absolutely okay with me! My precious Isabelle is well worth it!

Saturday we started our day with a super tired girl! So she and I walked to the park and back to the hotel so she could get a nap while Dad and Grandma rode Screamin'. When we got back to the park, we met Grandma in the Toy Story Mania ride and Isabelle had her first 3-D experience! She had SO much fun! I managed to keep the glasses on her for the whole ride and she just kept watching intently as we played the game! I loved it!

After a snack at the baby center we headed to meet my Aunt Kasey and Tara for lunch for Tara's birthday at Tortilla Joe's. Isabelle was just done at this point--she was awfully hot and tired and just couldn't fall asleep :-( So finally I took her upstairs in the restaurant to feed her and she fell asleep in moments. Of course she only slept for 20 minutes, but at least she woke up as a happy baby! She played with Tara and Aunt Kasey and gave them lots of giggles and smiles, but she clearly needed another nap. So Herb and I took her back to the hotel for another bath time swim and a nap. The swim was just as much fun as the day before and she conked out pretty quickly. She took two 40 minute naps but was still a weary little girl, but she was awake so we headed back to the park to do a few more rides.

Isabelle added Pirates of the Caribbean to her ride list. Her favorite part of the ride was the waterfalls at the beginning after the drop! They probably reminded her of her bath tub ride :-) Then we headed over to It's a Small World and she was enthralled with all of the colors and characters. She kept looking from side to side trying to take it all in! I even caught her singing along once or twice! Two rides, however, was her fun limit for the evening, so I took her back to the hotel while Grandma and Dad rode a few more rides. We stopped for a churro on Main Street and Isabelle fell asleep. The cinnamon and sugar did sprinkle all over her like fairy dust and away we flew back to Never Never Land!

After I fed her and put her down, Grandma and I traded places and I joined Herb to watch World of Color. It really is a spectacular show, but my body and mind were SO weary at this point! I think Izzy and I were having parallel experiences, I just wasn't allowed to cry about mine ;-) Herb and I ate and shopped on Main Street and then headed back to the hotel about as exhausted as we could be!

The next morning Isabelle was still SUPER tired, but we loaded her in the car and took off. She slept off and on on the way home and thanks to Grandma she watched a few episodes of Friends to keep her company. When we got home Isabelle learned how incredibly wonderful it is to sleep in her own bed! She slept for 12 hours, only waking to eat once, and this tired Momma slept for 10 of those 12!

I can't really explain how amazing it was to take my sweet girl to experience my favorite place in the whole world. It was so incredibly redemptive of the many broken dreams and heartaches I experienced in the days and months after we lost Hope and Joseph. Watching Isabelle's face as she soaked up Main Street and the sights and sounds of Peter Pan and It's a Small World brought such joy to my heart! Even though I know she won't remember this experience, I will remember for her. I will share these memories with her and be able to retell these moments as we return back year after year.

As Isabelle and I walked back to the hotel alone on Saturday evening I told her how much I appreciated that she came to share Disneyland with me. I told her that this was just one of the many times we would venture here as a family and that I couldn't wait for each milestone that she would have here--the pure awe on her face when she first watches the fireworks, the first time she asks to ride Dumbo, the first time she meets a height requirement for a ride, the moment when she holds on to Herb's hand with trepidation as she climbs the stairs to ride Screamin' and the complete joy of victory written all over her face when she walks off. These will all be great moments in Isabelle's life and in mine. And this, this trip, is where it all began. I told Isabelle how I had been dreaming about these moments for so long, and how incredible it was to finally be blessed with the chance to hold my sweet girl as I walked through those gates. "Isabelle, this weekend was a dream come true for your Momma. I just wanted you to know that." I think she heard me, I think she was listening, and if not, I know God heard my words of praise and thanksgiving for the amazing gift He had given me. My God is a God of redemption, of dreaming dreams far greater than I can ever imagine. I am so grateful for the Granter of my dreams. Words can't really express how I feel, so I'll leave it to Julie Andrews. As she so wisely says at the end of my favorite fireworks show, "Remember Dreams Come True".

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Isabelle Noelle

I have a few moments while Isabelle is napping (if you've been following me on Facebook you know what a great blessing that is in and of itself!) and I wanted to write a post. I have been wanting to write a blog entry since March 15th, but I've been a little busy with my inspiration :-)

On March 15th, 2011 at 8:30 am Isabelle Noelle was born and I know heaven rejoiced with Herb and me as we welcomed her into our lives. While there were tearful reminders of Hope's birth throughout the night, there were constant glimpses of God's redemption at every step. The same nurse who comforted me in Hope's death, rejoiced with me in Isabelle's life. Instead of an evil anesthesiologist who didn't care that I was in pain, I had an understanding doctor who talked about Disneyland with me. God was with me each and every moment and first thing that Tuesday morning Isabelle arrived in my arms.

I have lots of details about her birth, but I think those aren't as important as the wonderful details about her life that I've been collecting. Here are just a few highlights:

She's a skinny little thing who was hesitant to put on weight, but now she has quite the chubby thighs going on.

Isabelle is a girl who knows what she wants. If she's bored with a toy, she'll let you know and you must find a suitable replacement.

Izzy LOVES to watch the show Friends. When it is on she will stare at the TV intently. When commercials intervene she looks away and carries on a conversation with me. When the show returns she is back to being enthralled with Joey, Chandler, Monica and the gang!

She already loves to talk! She has several voices and loves to use them! Herb said yesterday that Izzy and Mommy will have lots of coffee dates in her life because that's how much she loves to chat :-)

Belle is a people person! Whenever there are other people around she wants to be awake, alert and aware of everything that is going on. When I brought her to school she couldn't get enough of my students! She will be quite the social butterfly!

She loves the wind, thank goodness we live in the wind tunnel known as Vail! Izzy will turn her head toward the breeze and let the wind wash over her.

Isabelle is one strong little girl! When we took her to the doctor a few weeks ago, she was quite upset with her check up so when the doctor tried to sit her forward Isabelle just stood right up! She's already rolling over from her tummy to her back and she loves to look around during tummy time. I'm afraid I'm going to be chasing her around the house before I know it!

Herb is in love with his little girl! I love watching him love on her. He waits as long as humanly possible to leave for work in the morning if it will mean a few snuggles with Izzy to get him through the day. He has already caved to her hypothetical request for a dog, and he told me he gets teary eyed thinking about taking Belle to Disneyland! I love the man I married and I am thrilled at the father he will be and is for Belle!

Isabelle Noelle is joy, and redemption and Hope! I can't express the ways she's transformed our life. I think she will be changing lives with every step she takes in this life and I am overwhelmingly blessed to be her Momma!