Gracious Father, I come before You broken. I know You are the only one who can fill me
and yet I don’t feel full. I am quick to
blame that on Your inadequacies but I know deep down it’s me. But focusing on my inadequate means to connect
with You only makes it worse. It makes
me feel worse about myself, worse about what I’m incapable of doing. It makes me feel like a failure in pursuing You,
on top of my perceived failures as a wife and friend. I’m empty Jesus please come and fill me.
Let me settle down at Your feet. Let me try to drown out the noise around
me. Allow me to be a blubbering
disappointed, disillusioned mess. And love me anyway. Father, I think a lot of my brokenness comes
from failed expectations I have had about this stay at home mom gig. I thought mothering would come naturally to
me, I thought that snuggling my little girl would bring me comfort, I thought
that being a mom would allow me to step into the realm of motherhood where
everyone else belonged, that it would allow me to belong. But it turns out I still don’t belong just as
much as I did before, and perhaps I even belong less because I no longer belong
to the teacher-school world, or the world of students. I feel often like I don’t belong in my
marriage, like I don’t belong as Izzy’s mother, like I really don’t belong as
your child. As per usual, as is my
ongoing struggle, I feel like I’m not enough.
I’m constantly seeking to be enough to everyone and wondering why they
aren’t enough for me. I know why they
aren’t enough for me, You are the only one who can be enough, and yet I feel
your silence.
Your silence these days is deafening to me. I hear snippets,
I hear your guidance a few times a day as I consult You with decisions about
how to parent Isabelle, but I don’t feel your presence. I wonder how You can fill the void of a
desperate need for conversation, my desperate need to be heard and share
life. And yet I know that there are many
who live alone, in the wilderness, like David fleeing from Saul, who didn’t
feel alone, who felt you at every turn, every decision. You are the God of the universe, of course
You are capable of being enough for me, and yet I doubt, and yet I try to fill
my emptiness with others. I think I’m
asking something of people that they can’t give, maybe, but part of me feels
like I’m not. I guess regardless of what
they are or are not able or willing to give, I need to realize that what they
give me should just be extra. I should
already be filled by you. But how? Seriously, how Jesus? Tell me how to be filled by you.
I pray I think pretty regularly throughout the day, I spend
time reading and memorizing Your word, I serve you, I invite the Holy Spirit to
move through me, why am I still empty?
What am I missing? Speak to me
Holy Spirit, intercede for the Father and tell me, what am I missing?
Freedom is the word that
comes to mind. Gratefulness. Time. Me. You’re
missing Me. My heart. Don’t be so caught up in the intellectual. Listen to your heart, listen to My heart.
What is my heart for you? You know this.
I have plans to prosper and not to harm you. So rest. Trust. If I have you walking through this right now,
there is a reason. Wasn’t there a reason
for your anxiety? Wasn’t there a reason for losing Hope? There’s always a purpose to the pain. “It’s
the moment when humanity is overcome by majesty, when grace is ushered in for
good and all pain is understand, when mercy takes its rightful place.” “Spurn
the words that I despise, hear the words I can’t deny, watch the world I used
to know, fall to dust and blown away. I
look beyond the empty cross forgetting what my life has cost, take my beauty
take my tears, take my sin and make it yours. take my world apart, take my
world apart, take me now take me now. Worlds apart.” Stop taking the cross for
granted. Take a good long hard look at
it. I’m there. I’m bleeding, for you.
You have been given a spirit of adoption, as sons by which you cry out “Abba
Father”. The spirit testifies along with your spirit that you are a child of
God. And if a child an heir also, an heir of God and fellow heir of Christ if
indeed you suffer with Christ, that you might also be glorified with Him. For you consider the sufferings of this
present world as not worthy to be compared to the glory that is to come. For the anxious longing of creation waits
eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God. You are my child, my beloved, in
whom I am well pleased. I can and will
fill you, if you let me. Please let
me. I am the perfect bridegroom, I adore
you, and I have sent you a great love letter.
Don’t ignore it. Don’t push it
aside. Let it be everything to you. Let it define you. In those moments where Izzy is screaming,
where friends aren’t calling, when Herb doesn’t praise you, let my words define
you. When your world is crumbling all around you, let me carry you. Let me tell you you are beautiful even if you
didn’t get to work out today and you can’t lose those last 5 pounds and none of
your clothes fit. I don’t care. I see
you naked, raw, broken and I love you. I don’t know how I could’ve made that
any more clear, I gave my most precious gift for you. For YOU.
Are you listening? Are you
letting this sink in? Stop thinking
about what you have to do next or what you should be doing and listen: I CHOSE
you. Why do you think I have you reading
Romans right now? I don’t care about
predestination, I don’t care about the logical arguments people can make, I
care enough to tell you that I CHOSE YOU. YOU, Katie Sue Garcia, I want to
spend time with you, I want to hear your stories and your thoughts, I want to
lift you up when you feel broken down, I want to meet your needs, I want to
encourage you, I want to make you feel loved. I CHOSE you to be Isabelle’s mom,
and Herb’s wife, and Janell’s friend, and Kevyn’s sister, and Kerry’s daughter.
I specifically CHOSE you to serve the refugee families you work with, to sit in
your YM group every week, to teach the students that sat in your classroom, and
to now sit in your home and care for your child. I CHOSE this.
It may not be what you envisioned, but I want this for you because I
want this for your daughter. I want this
for the refugee families you now have time to work with. I want this for my
kingdom. You are doing a mighty work,
and it’s just as mighty as the work you did in the classroom. It’s not as glamorous and you don’t get as
much affirmation, but that’s okay. Look
to me for the affirmation, look at your sweet smiling girl. She is so secure because of the mom you
are. Believe it, don’t doubt it. Stop doubting my love for you, my plan for
you. I am your great redeemer , that is
who you tout me to be when people ask you about who I am. So believe it! Are you listening? Believe
that I will redeem your pain, I will redeem your sleepless nights, I will
redeem your loneliness, and I will redeem your doubts in who you are. I AM and stop trying to stop me from being
who I AM. Let me be me, so that you can
be you, in all of your glory. Do you
hear me Katie? You are glorious—you have
allowed my light to shine through you, so you are glorious. Walk in my Spirit, walk in my glory and I
will walk beside you, with you, in you and through you. You are not alone, so stop listening to the
silence of this world and listen to the glory of my truth. I’ve got this, I’ve
got you. So trust me.
God thank you! Thank
you for speaking truth over my heart! I
needed to hear you and I’m so thankful I quieted my complaining heart long
enough to listen. Thank you! Please God, don’t let these words of truth
fall out of my ears. Don’t let Satan’s
lies reign. When Satan begins to speak,
shout Him down with your truth. And give
me discernment to hear your voice and yours alone.
God daily remind me that I need this time. I need the time to quiet my heart before
you. No matter what to do list breathes
down my neck, no matter how urgent other things seem to be, let me rest at your
feet first. Let the world fade away. Be
my everything. And help me to let you be
that to me.
Amen.
