Good morning! And yes, it is early morning. Isabelle was awake at 5 am this morning, so I am also awake. But I'm coming to find that my sweetest encounters with Jesus come when I'm not supposed to be awake. My beloved sleep that I so deeply cherish is indeed an idol to me and when I let go and surrender to the time with God I find my soul deeply nourished.
This morning I was reading Matthew 26, reading once again about the plot on Jesus' life, about the hours Christ spent in anguish in the Garden and I was prompted to re-read my old blog post on this topic. This of course spawned a longer journey through my writings over the past years. I came to a lot of realizations in my readings but one of the biggest ones is that I REALLY miss blogging! It is so much a part of me to process who I am, what I'm going through, what God is teaching me, aloud. And it really is no wonder to me why I have had such a difficult time processing and working through the works of God's hands these last two years when I haven't really processed in the way most helpful to me--through written word. This realization of course comes at a crazy time in my life, our little Josh will be here in 6 weeks give or take a few days, and there is still my little bundle of energy Isabelle to keep me moving constantly, but I want to try and write! I really want to try to reconnect with this missing piece of myself.
I think one of the harder parts of parenting has been this complete shift in identity that I have undergone. I really have felt like I have no idea who I am these last two years. Part of that stems from the incredibly unhealthy ways that I found all of my identity in teaching. When I am not a teacher, who am I then? Part of it stems from a complete shift in my view of God as a result of being a mom (see The Disillusioned Mom). Part of it comes out of my complete inability to control any of my universe anymore; laughable I know, like I had any control in the first place! And I have to believe that a great deal of it comes from my lack of time, time that is my own to read scripture, be in prayer, be in meditation about what I'm reading. What mom really has time to process anything? I know lots of my time with Izzy comes sitting on the floor playing pretend, but it doesn't leave my brain a lot of room for pondering.
One of the pieces of me that I've really been missing these days is my joy. I feel like I used to be a joy-filled person. I really feel like my Hope in who God is colored my demeanor and outlook with a joy. It is possible that this is just a twisted remembrance of the way things were but I certainly know that I have been more full of complaining than usual these last few...I'd like to say months, but let's go with years, it's probably more honest. I feel like I've been caught up in the whirlwind of what I can't fix, what is out of my control, what is going wrong in my life. I haven't been looking for the good, or if I have I haven't been doing it very diligently.
This is a broken mindset on my part. The same amount of good AND bad are still present in my life. I'm pretty sure that the trials and tribulations of teaching were equal or tantamount to those of parenting. I think I just stopped looking for, and thus finding, the ways that God was at work. This isn't to say that I have been completely oblivious to His hand because I can list a myriad of ways I've watched God powerfully intervene these last few years, but I think I stopped rejoicing in those victories in the same way.
My word for this year is contentment. I am asking God to grow me in peace and contentment in the circumstances He has me in. I don't want to look anywhere else for meaning or purpose--I want to look to Jesus. I don't want to become fixated on what I don't have or how my life could be easier if, but rather I want to see what I do have, how my life is easier with Him. I am praying that this will return my joy to me.
As I re-read my blog posts today what I saw was a God who faithfully showed up in my life; a God who never left me. A God who brought beauty for ashes. A God who brought glory through pain. A God who brought redemption and Hope out of the most broken of circumstances. And I was overwhelmed with joy! What a joy it is to be reminded that our Redeemer lives, that He is living and active in my life. I want to be constantly remembering these life-giving stories because even if everything in my day today looks bleak, He is still the same God who did all of those mighty and powerful things in days past. When I struggle to find a reason to sing today, all I need to do is remember yesterday because He gave me plenty of reasons to sing!
"I've got to keep singing, I've got to keep praising Your name. You're the one that's keeping my heart beating! I've got to keep singing, I've got to keep praising Your name. You're the only way that I find meaning. Can I climb up in Your lap? I don't want to leave. Jesus sing over me! I've got to keep singing."
I don't want to forget to remember Jesus, my faithful Father, or the precious Comforter I have in the Holy Spirit. I need to remember. I need to stop fixating on the woes of the moment and think back. I need to look in the face of my most beautiful, passionate, silly, smart, loving, tender-hearted daughter and remember what a real miracle she is! That each moment I get to laugh with her in the snow or explore the rocks on the street or read that same book again is a reason to rejoice! I need to look at my husband who works so very hard to provide for our family, who delights in the silliest ramblings on the Internet, who fills my humidifier every night, who repeatedly calls Isabelle his "beautiful girl" and rejoice that God has given him to me to share life with. I need to look at my God and delight in the beautiful sunset He painted just for me, remember the life-giving words He has provided for me in a land where I am free to read and meditate on them, realize how precious it is that He invites me to intimately talk to a Holy God in the early quiet of the morning or really at any moment of the day. These things are all joy-giving. I need to remember! Remembering is so very important.
Help me, will you? When I wander down the path of complaining and ungratefulness, remind me to look behind me, to look around, to take notice. I have reasons to rejoice. Help me remember!
Honesty
8 years ago
