It's About Time...

"It's about time. Why don't you go outside or something? Nerd." This is the quote that echoes from Herb's computer each time he logs out, and I feel somewhat akin to it these days. It's about time for a lot of things in my life. Things like going outside, cherishing each breath, reading a good book, cooking a new recipe, and blogging are amongst the many things that were put on the back burner in the last nine weeks. (Ah, how my life is counted by quarters!? I thought that was supposed to end after college!) Alas...it is time...

So what have I to offer you? Just like Aaron Mertz said on his latest blog, not much. But I will say that I am alive to tell the tale. This quarter wore on my heart, on my mind, on my time and on my relationships. It is amazing how important time is to nurturing everything. Time heals all wounds. I'm beginning to think that is less in reference to getting over a break up and more in reference to time invested in healing things broken from inattention.

So my plans for break are as follows: spend time with Herb. Not just time caught between essays graded or rooms cleaned, but genuine, actual face to face time. Two, spend time with Jesus. Nothing like some good praise music, the beach and good fellowship to remind me that the Lord reigns. Three, spend time for me. Do things I love to do and not just do them as an afterthought. This includes cooking a new recipe, watching some Diamondbacks baseball, talking on the phone with friends, sleeping and chilling in my PJs and reading absolute trash (not romance novels or anything amoral, but rather something that isn't considered a classic that I have to conjure interesting discussion questions for as I read.) This seems like very little, but I promise you I don't have enough time to accomplish all the things listed here. But I will aspire to them.

First step, heading to CA with my mom Thursday. Praise music required, beach time required (which is beauty, required), fellowship required. Melinda will join us on Friday which will add friend time and Disneyland time, all very necessary to rejuvinating my heart. Hopefully these steps will be the beginning of reminders as to why I do what I do. I need reminders as to who God has created me to be. I've been feeling awfully much like a machine who does things for people, and that, I know, is not my heart. So I'm looking for a chance to rediscover my heart.

So, I've found, it IS about time. It's about how I allot my time, how my time reflects my heart, and how time will heal. It's about time for me to let my time be unassigned with the only purpose being to allow God to fill my time with His purposes. So I'm sorry it's taken me a while to write, but it was definitely about time.

Heroes

We all have them. Those men and women in our lives who we see as perfect. The models of upright behavior, encompassing all we think to be valuable and worthwhile in this world. They may not have super-powers like the heroes on TV, but they handle life with a grace and peace that makes them seem super-human.

But at sometime in our lives those heroes fall. When I teach loss of innocence we spend a long time discussing the first time you realized someone you admired was flawed. Their examples, and mine, are often childlike. Their parents lied to them, their friends offended them, their teachers snubbed them. The ideas are there, they understand how a piece of themselves is lost in that moment; their innocence is scarred and they can't return to the way things were before. That is how I feel today, but instead of feeling childlike, this pain is truly mature; a piece of my innocence and my believed good in the world has been wounded. I know God can heal, but there is a little piece of my heart that fell away yesterday never to return.

Since I was thirteen, I considered one couple to be the most beautiful example of a Godly marriage. They pursued one another, they romanced one another, they centered God in the midst of their marriage. Enduring hard times, they looked to God and each other. Raising their children, they taught respect and love for God and others. While I journaled about their marriage at age 13, Herb and I actively pursued their mentorship throughout our relationship. We had even discussed moving to Phoenix to have an active model of effective parenting.

Not only did they function as a mentor couple to both Herb and me, but they also served the role of individual mentors to us both. I sought the wife as a Godly example of wife, mother and woman, and Herb sought the husband as an exemplary husband, father and man. They were our everyday living, breathing, loving heroes.

Yesterday the news hit that this couple is pursuing divorce as a result of long, destructive infidelity on the part of the husband. In true beauty the wife longs to reconcile and to hold their marriage together, but in all sadness the husband wants no part of that. She said to me yesterday, "Katie, he is no longer the man we knew." I admire that she still desires to make amends, to choose love and the institution of marriage, but some things aren't always our own choice in marriage. It takes two to make decisions in a marriage and that includes the ending of a marriage.

My heart is broken for this couple, for this family. I've spent much time in prayer for them in the last 16 hours, and I will continue to pray. But as I said to Herb yesterday, "This isn't just about them, it's about us as well." And it is. Our paragon of marriage has crumbled. A place where we once placed our hope has disappeared. God is showing us that all men are fallible but He is faithful and perfect. But that is a painful revelation and we ache as a result.

Herb's pain is twofold. Not only did he lose an model of marriage, but he also lost a personal hero. A once perceived man of God, an inspiration to Herb's heart and focus, has fallen from grace. There is much pain here in this house, much grieving.

It's funny to call it grieving, but yesterday it felt very similar to experiencing a death. I was numb, then I was angry, then I was sad...and so on and so forth. So today, we continue to grieve the loss of the fallen heroes, but we also must recognize the reasons why they must fall. If we continue to put our faith and hope in man, we will always be disappointed. This is a fallen world full of flawed men and women. We must put our faith and hope in God, our Sustainer and our Comfort. And while this situation offers great wisdom and insight, I lost a piece of my childhood, a piece of what was once innocent. No more leaping off of tall buildings in a single bound, instead I take the stairs and look to the Lord to keep my weary legs a-walking.