Hello faithful readers! If you're still reading this, thank you for holding true when I haven't held up my end of the bargain. My mom said that my readers were disappointed with my lack of writing in the free time of my summer. It is true I hoped to blog more, but my summer seemed to be filled with living life rather than commenting on it. Not a bad thing by any stretch of the imagination, but still I am sorry to be absent from the writing scene for so very long.
I return the day before school starts in much the same place as I was last year. Not completely, I feel this year God has grown me immensely, but I find I still sing some of the same tunes. For instance, I have been worrying much about the work load of this year, just like last year. With 4 AP classes, classes full of students who actually turn in assignments, I have been grading plenty already this summer. I fear this will be the trend for this year. Grading is my least favorite task as a teacher and one I do not relish in the least. So the prospect of my life being consumed with this odious task is heart breaking to me.
I keep trying to talk myself out of it. "I'm sticking to my guns. I'm working until 5:30 everyday, but not a minute more. I'm not working on the weekends. It will still get done." But no amount of self-talk seems to dig me out of my despair. But our God is mighty to save, and He spoke to my heart in just the nick of time.
I was reading
Having a Mary Spirit this afternoon and the chapter was about pride. I thought, "Oh great, conviction time. Can't we just have a lighter subject? One that will minister more to my state of being right now?" God's bigger than my nay saying as usual and spoke mightily to my heart.
She started out by confounding my definition of pride. My whole life I've believed that pride is puffing oneself up, believing we are greater than we actually are, which is true of the word. But also true is the idea that insecurity and negative self talk is another version of pride. I wasn't completely sure she was right on this topic, but after further exploration I believe she is. Pride is when we focus on ourselves, make ourselves the center of the universe rather than lifting up others. When we focus on our failures, on our imperfections, on our insecurities, we are still focusing on
us!
Okay, I get where you're going, but still, what does this have to do with me, with my life at this moment? Then there it was, my story. The author was relaying her struggles in writing this book, in believing she didn't have the knowledge, ability or time in which to write. Why would God choose her with all of her failures and lack of time? Here's what God answered me, I mean her:
Let me get this straight...although I spoke the universe into existence and hung the stars in space...even though I promised to help you when you said yes to My call...and even though you've cleared your life and made time to write this book...you still keep saying you can't do it...What you're really telling Me...is that you're the omnipotent one around here. Because no matter how much I help you, no matter how willing I am to give you the words and the ability to write...you just know you'll find some way to mess it all up!Yep, that's about it. But it sounds so awful when you put it like that! It is pride, but really it is unbelief. And that's what it boils down to. Do I have faith enough to trust God will take care of me? Do I have faith enough to know that God will grant me time when I need it? Do I have faith enough to believe that He's called these kids to my classroom for a purpose and that He'll provide everything I need? It's about faith.
I used to think that pride was the root of all sin, and in a lot of ways the two are intricately connected. But I'm starting to realize that sin is also intertwined with unbelief. Because if we believe God is big enough to take care of things, we won't: avoid risk because of fear, speak up when faced with an opportunity to gossip, worry and strive about things outside of our control, try to take control in difficult situations. If we believe, we remove ourselves from all of these opportunities to sin.
Last week our pastor asked us if we truly trust God, if we truly trust His desire to work things together for the good. And while we initially want to respond with a resounding yes, the answer is, at least for me, not all the time. I don't act out of trust in Him, in fact many of my actions are done out of fear. I'm just being honest. So now I understand the man's prayer to Jesus in Matthew, "Lord I believe, help me in my unbelief."
Thus, with the start of a new school year I seek to believe and trust God more. He will provide. He does seek to work for my good. I need to stop protecting myself or striving about what I can't protect and just trust. I want to be a 1 Peter woman whose beauty lies in a quiet and gentle spirit, a heart without fear. May my life be humble and full of faith, not just this week, not just this year, but may this be the beginning of a lifelong journey full of trust in my Lord.
