In the garden

"Jesus took Peter and Zebedee's two sons, James and John, and he began to be filled with anguish and deep distress. He told them, 'My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and watch with me.'" Matthew 26:37-38

I've been thinking often about the grief and suffering of Jesus. Part of why He is so capable of walking along beside those who are crushed and brokenhearted is because of His intimacy with those emotions throughout His life. I am grateful to know that although Jesus knew of Lazarus' resurrection, he still wept at the news of his passing. I am comforted to know that Jesus stood in the garden, crying out to the Father, asking to be relieved of walking His journey of suffering. Jesus knows, intimately, the anguish of this world, and in a far greater capacity than I will ever know.

I am particularly drawn to the passage about the Garden of Gethsemane. It holds so many interesting aspects of grieving in a few brief words. For example, Jesus knew God had a plan for His suffering, specifically He KNEW God's plan for His suffering, and yet He still begged for another way. This shows me that even knowing and understanding the plan does not take away from the anguish that we must walk through, that understanding why, no matter how much we want that understanding, doesn't actually ease the pain.

Jesus also openly wrestled with God's plan; He was unafraid to admit His fear and His desire to run from pain. This reveals to me just how human Jesus was in these moments; He, like the rest of us, instinctively wanted to flee from pain. But unlike the rest of us, Jesus was able to take the steps to follow His Father into the raging sea of pain, seeking His Father's ultimate glory. Jesus walked INTO pain, instead of running from it. I want to be like Jesus, willing to walk into pain for God's glory. I want to draw near to the brokenhearted, be unafraid to walk the journey that will bring God the greatest glory. But I also believe that this may be one of the hardest ways for us to be like Jesus; it is so ingrained in our nature to run from pain. I know I had been living in anxiety because I was afraid of what pain I might have to walk through, wondering what circumstances, within my control or outside of it, might inflict great injury to my soul. And yet, here I am walking through them, living through pain, and for God's glory. Am I less anxious, less afraid of pain? Yes, but I still find myself trying to protect, struggling to place a shield around my heart. I think it will be a daily, a momentary relinquishing of my comfort, of my pain-free existence, to God's capable hands for His ultimate glory. For Jesus it was...

In the garden, Jesus went back multiple times before the Lord, persistent in His prayer for God to change His circumstances. Jesus had to let go of His will and take up His Father's over and over again. It took Him three times to finally accept what His Father wanted, to realize that God was not going to change His circumstances, but was instead going to provide Him with the grace and strength to walk through them. God didn't answer Jesus' request to be free of pain because He instead was going to grant the greater desire of Jesus' heart, to draw the people to His Father. God did give Jesus the true desire of His heart, but it came at a cost of His more surface desire--a pain-free existence.

The last piece about the garden that I've been pondering are the verses I listed above, about Peter, James and John. Jesus brought His closest friends with Him to the garden so that He might not grieve alone. Jesus, the Son of God, needed the love and support of friends, but they fell asleep. To be quite honest, in the past, this part of the story always made me so angry. How could they not be there when Jesus needed them? But what I've come to realize is that it was not a lack of desire; they wanted to support Jesus. They just grew weary. It can be exhausting to walk alongside the grieving. It can be exhausting to try and conjure the right words to say, or to avoid saying the wrong words. It can be exhausting to see such sadness in someone who was once filled with such joy. It can be wearying to have no real answers, no real solutions, but to just sit there and be in the midst of such grief. The disciples grew weary, as do we all. I have experienced a myriad of emotions as I've watched people drop away from me through the loss of Hope. I have been angry that people didn't remember, disappointed that they didn't show up, lonely in my tears, but I'm trying to embrace a new emotion, acceptance. Acceptance that my grief is wearying. Acceptance that people cannot meet all of my needs. Only God can, and that is what the garden was really all about.

Jesus came to His Father seeking answers, seeking comfort, and seeking communion. Jesus went to the garden knowing His disciples would fade, knowing God would not. Jesus came to the Father and asked the Father to meet all of His needs, which is what I need to do. Man will always fall short of what God was meant to do. I am never alone when my Father, the Great Comforter, is with me. He will meet me in the garden and He will walk with me as I leave. He will hear my cries, wipe away my tears, and not leave me once in the midst. He will not fall asleep or tire of my grief. He should be my source of strength, comfort and peace.

Because of all of these things I hope to walk regularly into the garden, where my Father waits to draw near to my broken heart.