My Name

I wrote this as an example assignment for my students this week, but I'm really quite fond of it. So I thought I'd post it here. Nothing enlightening or thought-provoking, just a little bit of me on paper!

My Name

My name is the sound of a girl in tattered jeans and a dirty shirt with scraped up knees running into her mother’s kitchen. My name is short and sweet like the dips of my fingers in the cookie batter. It is friendly and gentle. It is too young. It means pure, it means set apart. My name is the sound of a light tune being sung while you work.

I am named for Katherine Hepburn, an old actress my mother loved. She wasn’t beautiful or graceful, but she was classy and tough, just like me. My father made her promise I would be called Katie—a short, childlike name that I would want to shed as an adultlike child. But I’ve grown into the childishness of my name just like a teenage girl who finally grows into her nose.

My middle name, Suzanne, is my grandmother’s middle name. I like to think that I carry a piece of her feistiness with me. I know I carry her love for writing, reading and politics, but she had a wild card quality that I hope I embody. She used to sit and argue with my grandpa as they raced through an intense game of Dr. Mario on their Nintendo—I know I have that fierce competitiveness with my husband!

There have been moments when I wanted to shed my name, to find a name more unique like that of my sister. Everyone always remembered a Kevyn, but the taller girl standing next to her became “what was your name again?” I wanted a memorable name, one that meant something. But now my name does mean something—it means me. Katie Sue is the fun-loving, tender hearted, pure woman of her name. No other name will do!

It's not fair!

I've been pondering this blog topic for quite some time now, but haven't really felt that I was in the right place to write it. But I finally decided that I should try to write it despite where I am in life...that's what my blog is all about...honesty.

I've been plagued a lot recently with the "It's not fair"s. I am overwhelmed at times with how easy it is for others to conceive. I am in awe that some people can just decide to get pregnant and viola! they are. I often look at the lives of others and think, wow, their lives are going according to plan, no disasters, no broken hearts, just joy. How is this fair? The truth is that it is not.

Life can't be fair. If life were truly fair, if we were given what we think we deserve, then we would also be given what we truly deserve as sinners. We would be punished severely for our sins, we would be separated from our Father, we would be living in lives that were unredeemed. We aren't given what we deserve, good or bad, and thus life is not fair.

I really struggle with this because I am arrogant and I look around and think "But look at what they're doing with their lives and yet they have a child!" or "I did exactly what I was supposed to and I don't have one!" I have lived my entire life trying to do as I was supposed to so I could be equally rewarded. I've tried so hard to be the perfect child, to be the perfect Christ follower, in attempts to protect myself from evil and guarantee a life with minimal pain and suffering. To my surprise, that doesn't work.

No matter how perfect I try to be, I live in a fallen world. No matter how much I try to do exactly what I'm told, I am truly imperfect. When I really think about it, I'm thankful to not get what I deserve because it would be so much worse than what I'm living now. But how do we shake that mindset? How do we abandon the idea that we are living our lives for God's glory only and NOT for our own good benefit? How do we shake the illusion that we need a fair life? How do we recognize that God is telling our individual story and it has nothing to do with the story next to us?

This is where I get stuck. This is where I don't have an answer, where I can't complete my thought. Perhaps the answer is in knowing that each one of our stories will bring God an individual and unique glory. Perhaps the answer is in knowing that we are sinful and fallen and we aren't getting what we truly deserve. Perhaps the answer is to stop gazing at others and focus more on Jesus.

But how do we abandon the belief that our good deeds should equal earthly blessings? Perhaps the answer is this: "But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:20-21 Earthly blessings won't matter much when we reach eternity, so perhaps we need to fix our eyes on the heavenly.

I don't know the answer, I just know that the two year old is right, "It's not fair!" But thank goodness it isn't! Because life is not fair we are spared from the awful fate of our sin; because life is not fair we get a second chance; because life is not fair we are all redeemed.