The Almighty Dollar

I hate money.  I have always hated money.  I don't know if it stems from not having much of it as a kid or if it is a result of the dissension that comes about from it.  Perhaps the root of my hatred is that I'm extremely bad with it.  Not irresponsible in the traditional sense, in fact I won't spend money on myself unless someone twists my arm behind my back or gives me a gift card with an expiration date on it.  My ineptitude in dealing with money goes more to my unwillingness to bend on things I find important--things like giving to others or feeding my family healthy food or building relationships.  And I really struggle when I am asked to sacrifice these things. 

Herb and I have been struggling financially as of late, which I think is not much of a secret to anyone.  We decided when I was pregnant with Isabelle that we would give it a shot to live off of one income even though we knew full well that the numbers didn't add up.  You could call us irresponsible for that, but we chose to say we were living in faith that God would provide for what we believed He wanted me to do.  And God has provided abundantly!  I have now been paycheck-less for over a year and we have not gone hungry, lost the roof over our heads or lacked for clothing for warmth or air conditioning for cold.  We are blessed!  But we are living out of our savings in a way that will soon deplete the surplus we've been building for years now.  So I have been job hunting, trying to find something that will enable me to stay home with Isabelle and somehow work from home.  That's a tall order, especially with a little girl who would prefer love and attention to sleep or the accomplishment of any other tasks.  I keep looking and praying that if a job is what God wants for me He will provide a one and clearly show me that it was set aside by Him for me.  Additionally Herb and I have signed up for this Financial Peace University at church in hopes that they will somehow have a key to our financial problems that we've been unable to find ourselves.

But both of us are dreading this class for a few reasons.  For one, neither of us are extravagant spenders, so we're really unsure where they will try to reign us in.  And secondly, we are fearful that they will try to reign us in in places we really don't want to be pulled in on.  For example, I was talking with a friend the other day and she mentioned that their gas budget was really tight so she doesn't often go places with her little one.  Thinking about that made me want to cry.  As it is, I am incredibly lonely day in and day out, but I have found free events to keep us busy around town--story time at the library, music hour at the park--none of which are close.  If we're asked to create a budget that limits where I am able to go or what I am able to do, I really fear how I will handle it.  I'm also worried about having to cut my grocery bill.  Limiting ingredients is one thing, but I will have a hard time choosing to feed my child canned vegetables rather than fresh.  Scratch that, I don't know if I have the heart to make that decision at all!  But then I think, I'm able to feed my child period, shouldn't that be enough?  Am I ungrateful because I'm unwilling to budge on these types of things?  Am I discontent with the place God has brought me and really need to change my attitude?  I just don't know.

Herb and I have been resistant to budgets for a long time, in the sense that we try not to assign specific amounts to categories in our lives.  We live very frugally and believe strongly in listening to the Holy Spirit to guide our financial decisions.  If I feel led to work with the refugees, I trust that God will provide gas money for me to get clear across town (and He has consistently done so!)  If we feel it's important to share a meal with a family who is hurting, we don't look at our grocery bill and say "Sorry we don't have enough money in the budget this month to make a meal for you."  We try to live and give with absolutely open hands, and we are so fearful that budgeting will take that away from us.  Everyone we've talked to views a budget as freeing, as a means of feeling at peace with the way finances are allocated.  I am praying intensely that I will feel the same way when we're done.

I've been praying diligently for God to move in my heart in this area.  If He wants me to have a job, I want to be willing to do it, even if I would REALLY prefer not to have one.  If He wants me to pare back my grocery bill so that I can give to those who have absolutely nothing to eat, I want to be willing to do that.  I want to give cheerfully, not begrudgingly.  More than wanting to have the finances figured out, I want to have the right heart about them.  I don't want budgeting to take away the joy I have in giving, but I do want my giving to be guided by God. 

I'm really working on this in all areas of my life.  I don't want to give just to give.  I don't want to serve anywhere and everywhere, or throw my money at anyone or anything, I want to give according to where God wants me to give.  I think it can be dangerous to give without restraint, without guidance.  I think burnout can result from serving without wisdom and leading as to where to serve.  I am quick to do and slow to ask God if that is what He wants me to do.  So I'm working on that.

I have no real conclusion to this blog except to say that I know that Jesus tells me: "Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?" Matthew 6:26.  I am abundantly blessed.  God has provided for every need we have had.  It may not be in the ways that I would have chosen, but He has proven Himself faithful.  Always.  In every area of my life.  So I am daily, hourly and momentarily trying to surrender my concerns about money, to trade worry for faith.  To trust in the plans the Lord has for me. For Herb. For Isabelle.

People often say that money is one of the main causes for divorce, and in the Bible, money is the one thing that the rich young ruler is unwilling to give up to follow Jesus.  Money can destroy relationships, but I have committed to not allow money to destroy my relationship with my husband or my God.  I am so thankful that God has put Herb and I on the same page about money, and I pray that He continues to do so. I am grateful for the generosity of those around us and that God allows me to see so clearly His provision for our needs.  I just continue to pray for wisdom, for provision, for God's clear leading in every area of our lives, but especially this one.