Breath of Heaven

I have traveled many moonless nights
Cold and weary with a babe inside
And I wonder what I've done
Holy Father you have come
And chosen me now
To carry your son

I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone
Be with me now
Be with me now

[Chorus:]
Breath of heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of heaven
Breath of heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
For you are holy
Breath of heaven

Do you wonder as you watch my face
If a wiser one should have had my place
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan
Help me be strong
Help me be
Help me

This is one of my absolute favorite Christmas songs. I have always loved Amy Grant, and her Christmas CDs are my must-listen-to's when I bust out my holiday tunes. And every year, without fail, the first time I listen to this song I cry.


I think I love this song for the same reason I love the Psalms in the Bible. I love the raw, authentic emotion in this dialog with God. Mary isn't pulling any punches. She very directly pours out her inadequacies, her fears, her failures, and ultimately her complete trust that God will be enough for her through this journey.


In the first verse we see her real struggle to understand how God could have chosen her for such a precious calling. I wonder what I've done:

What does He see in me? Was it that time I gave my loaf of bread to the hungry widow on the corner? Maybe it was all of those days I sat in the synagogue listening to the teacher and loving the promises of God? Or perhaps it was the tunes I hummed while making breakfast each day, my little love songs to God? Who am I kidding?!? Any woman would do those things! I'm not extraordinary! Nothing sets me apart. In fact I've fallen so many times. I've been downright cruel to my brother--he is so annoying! And oh the lying--I have told some big whoppers to my parents. Let's not forget that I've thought countless times that if I could just perfectly follow the law, God would somehow save me. I'm not perfect, why would God call me the Favored One? Why has He chosen me? I don't get it.


Does that dialog sound familiar to you? Have you ever tried to figure out why God would choose you to be His child? Have you ever tried to list your merits and help you make sense of it all? Or maybe you've done the opposite. Maybe you've catalogued all of your failures, certain that God must have made a mistake when He called your heart His own. God chooses you because He loves you; He calls you because you were made to be His. And in His gracious goodness, He includes you in His story, He calls you to play a role in His narrative. He has chosen you, you with your specific and beautiful giftings, you with your specific and beautiful brokenness. He chose you. He sees you, He knows you, He created you for these things you are doing. Just like Mary, we are favored ones, called out on the hard and breathtaking journey of bringing Jesus to a broken world. We love her story because it is our own.


So when we reach the second verse we have no trouble visualizing Mary's silent pleadings. We see ourselves, tear-streaked faces, surrounded by a heartless and cruel world. The burdens we carry terrify us. Will we be able to deliver on our promises? Will we be able to survive the path that gets us to the end? We feel alone. We feel abandoned by both God and others. And in our prayers we cry out for mercy, not for deliverance from the journey but for the presence of a loving God.


Mary doesn't ask for God to remove her load, she doesn't ask to quit. When Gabriel comes to her she says, voice trembling, Behold, I am the servant of the Lord, let it be to me according to your word. Mary is willing. She is scared, she is heavy-laden, she is weary, she is alone, but she is willing. Her prayers are not for God to remove her from the pain, but for Him to be ever-present.


Breath of Heaven--such a lovely picture of an ever-present God. It is the breath of comfort; the sound of breathing next to you that means you are not alone. It is the warm breath of life on freezing cold hands. It is the sharp breath in when you are frightened, but your lungs and body fill with life. It is the deep intake of breath that signals relief and peace. Heaven's breath, God's warm, life-giving breath. This is what Mary begs of God.


Breath of Heaven bring light to this frightening darkness. Breath of Heaven hold me together, I feel like I am falling apart. Breath of Heaven give me holiness, for I fall so incredibly short. I know You can do those things, You are holy, You are good, You are true. Be with me now, please. I can't do it without you.


The final verse was one I sang over and over again after Hope died. I wondered, as God watched me respond to my loss in complete and total anguish, if He wished He had chosen someone different to bear that cross. Was I faithful enough in the face of heartbreak? Was I living out my love for God in the ways He wanted me to? I can hear Mary's heart cry out and ask her God if she is enough. Do I have what it takes? But her next line shows that she has everything God would ask of her, a willingness to be faithful to the God that she trusts. She offers all of herself for all that God is. She is God's unwavering servant, trusting that God will be both merciful to her and merciful to His people through this miraculous plan.

But this willingness leaves her completely dependent on God. She utters, Help me be strong. Help me be. Help me. I love how her words trail off at the end. Mary wants to ask for help, she knows she needs God's aid, but she is now at the point of overwhelming fear where her words fail her. Mary has no more words, just the cry of her heart that God not leave her alone in this trying journey.


I long to have Mary's unwavering faith, her willingness to follow God's plan, at every cost to herself. I long to not back away from the hard or the frightening, but instead to press into the mercy of Jesus. And I long to know, truly know deep in my heart, that oftentimes God's greatest mercy is merely His presence. Not merely as in, well that's all that He could give. But instead merely as in, His presence alone is enough to sustain me in this wearying world. I long to know that the Breath of Heaven can hold me together, shine light in my darkness, imbue holiness and be forever near me.

God's presence alone is His greatest mercy, and thus Christmas is God's greatest act of mercy, for He sent His presence to be with us always. In Christmas we find that we need not ever journey without our God again. He has come to be forever near us. The Breath of Heaven is here. Praise be to God!