The Year of Lucy

“Remember the former things long past,
For I am God, and there is no other;
I am God, and there is no one like Me" Isaiah 46:9

Lucy is ONE today! It's really quite hard to fathom a year has passed, and yet, this has been one of the longest years of my life. I'm not always good at reflection, and I'm not always good at remembering. (Ask my family...I can't for the life of me remember more than a handful of my former teachers' names! Appalling really.) But today, as I thought about this sweet little Light God gave us, I kept reflecting on what this year really taught me. So while this is not an exhaustive list by any means, these are some of the things I've learned in the Year of Lucy.

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1) Babies cry. Lots and lots. When I had Izzy and then again when I had Josh, I was convinced that I was doing something wrong. These babies cried ALL the time! Clearly if I was a better mother I would be able to soothe these babies and get them to be calm and at rest. But here I found myself 7 years later with a baby that cried, a lot. And for a while I was frantically trying to fix it. I changed my diet, I changed my soothing strategies, I changed anything I could control. Lucy still cried. Yet this time, I was able to say, much  more quickly, babies cry. It's just what they do. It isn't because I failed her, it is just because she is a baby.

2) You do what you gotta do. My big kids watched TV more than I'd care to admit to myself in those first months. Herb set them up with breakfast and screens and left for work while Lucy and I slept in. It was worth it! We eventually transitioned back to our normally allotted screen time, no one's brain rotted, and I was better able to cope with whatever came that day.

3) It is okay to do things while a baby is awake. There are some of you out there laughing at me right now. Of course you can do chores while a baby is awake! Well, no one told me this the first go round. (And to be fair, I'm not sure my other two would have allowed me to do chores...if their personalities now are any indication!) But when you have three kids, and you have a house to run, and you have mouths to feed, you just can't sit on the floor and play with the baby the whole time they are awake. Furthermore, there isn't enough time during nap time to accomplish all the tasks. So you play with the baby a little bit, and then you get up and do some things. You narrate your tasks to the baby, you smile and interact when you can, but you do all the things. You have to. And it will be okay.

4) This includes self care. I had perpetual health issues during Lucy's first year, and I struggled to take care of myself, let alone anyone else. So I had to do things like take an essential oils bath while Lucy sat on the floor with a pile of toys. Sometimes I had to nap with Lucy when the kids had just gotten home from school. Other times, I had to back us out of obligations so I could rest. I couldn't cater to the needs of the whole world; my body wouldn't let me. And guess what?!? We all survived. Again, some of you are good at this--I have had to learn.

5) Sometimes, no matter how hard you work, you can't fix everything. I did everything, I mean everything, to continue breastfeeding Lucy. I worked through repeated bouts of mastitis, crazy dips in supply, fever after fever, clogged milk ducts, and even a split milk duct to keep nursing my sweet baby. It wasn't until a breast specialist told me I had to stop, that I was injuring my body beyond repair, that I finally let go. It was excruciating. And to be honest, I still cry and mourn over the loss. I'm crying now writing these words. I didn't want to stop; breastfeeding has been so important to me, always. But God had a different plan for Lucy. Breaking the breastfeeding relationship allowed her to really bond with Herb in a way my other two didn't. It allowed me to leave her for longer periods of time throughout the day. And ultimately it allowed me to focus on my own health and work on healing my body. I still miss it. I miss the physical act, I miss the bonding, I miss not having to worry about things like bottles and transitioning to something new now that she's one, I miss the true comfort that comes from breastfeeding. Lucy, however, is fine, she's thriving, she's where God wants her to be. His dreams for her, and for me, are often different than the ones I would dream for us. And they are better.

6) There are people who can shoulder our sadness with us. Babies are hard for me, and the emotions that surround them and my life with them are big. My sorrows and worries and stresses run deep. For some, those emotions are scary and they flee. But there are a select few who will full on weep with you when you weep. It's a beautiful thing. This time around I learned that I need to choose carefully who to share my burdens with because not everyone can bear the weight. But those few who can hear it all, love you anyway, and show up once again, well, those friends are a gift.

7) It is completely acceptable to fill the silences. When Izzy was a baby I was so set on not having the TV on all day. We didn't need all of that stimulation. This was also before iPhones and podcasts, and for whatever reason I never thought to turn on music. It was silent in my house ALL the time! It was awful! This Year of Lucy, I have allowed myself to listen to audio books, to fill my days with podcasts and music, and I am a saner person for it. Silence is good, it is important, it fills a need, and words and music are a gift from the Lord. I needed them this year, and I am so grateful I embraced them.

8) The last thing I learned I think came from a culmination of my eight years of mothering, and it is this: you're not going to do it perfectly, and even if you did, your child will still be imperfect. I have spent a great deal of my momming life so hard on myself for screwing it up. I've scrutinized my every decision, my every word, my every interaction, and I have found all the ways I've come up short. I also have spent a lot of time pondering my kids' imperfections and wondering what I did to create those imperfections. But it turns out I'm just an imperfect, broken mom, raising imperfect, broken kids. If I do anything right, it is through prayer and the grace of God. If they survive, grow, and thrive, that is also by the grace of God. 

I have found great refuge in prayer this year, which is really difficult to do when the answer to prayer seems to be silence. I begged God to heal my body and allow me to continue breastfeeding, and for 6 months I experienced resounding silence. Then He gave me an answer I didn't like, but I kept praying. For months and months I prayed Lucy would sleep, and it seemed like I was heading down a path towards more sleepless years, and then God tweaked some things in our world that created sleep in our little girl.  I have begged God to change the dynamic between Izzy and Josh, begged for a greater unity, and what I have experienced are glimmers of hope, and lots of them center around Lucy. I realize I cannot change their hearts, only He can, and so I keep praying. My word for 2019 is PEACE, but I really feel as though God is teaching me peace through prayer. I can rest because I've given it to Him. Nothing I do can derail His good plans for my children. And in that knowledge there is peace.

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This has truly been the longest year of my life. My body has been unwell, my soul has ached, my prayers met with lots of silence, and yet, we have been given this Little Light. Lucy is a delight. She is a healer. Her presence and her laughter unite our family. She is resilient. She can be patient. She delights in her family. Her smile brightens my soul. Like each one of my children, Lucy has taught me so much about God and about my safety with Him. I am so grateful for my Redeemer and the gift of our Redemptive Baby. "You shine, O how you shine", Lucy Amaryllis. I am grateful for a full year of you!