Musings Part 3

-One must be a glutton for punishment to go to Disneyland after losing a child; it is after all the land of children of all ages. I lasted 5 minutes before I broke down crying after seeing a mom and daughter interact in the bathroom.

-The hardest part of this loss is grieving the dreams you had for your child. The hard part is that some of the dreams you've identified and some you haven't even thought of. Here are some of the dreams lost that I experienced this weekend:

*Taking my daughter to Disneyland and watching her face light up at each of the characters

*Watching Hope's face as she watched fireworks; there is nothing as magical as a child's face as they watch fireworks

*Sharing all of my favorite Disneyland places--Peter Pan, Small World, Pirates of the Carribean

*Holding her hand; this one kept coming to me over and over again

*As I listened to each of my family members interact with my cousin's daughter, I grieved not getting to hear them play with Hope. I will miss out on her laughter as they tickle her or chase her. I will miss out on hearing my Aunt Kasey sing songs, real and made up, to Hope. But the one that is overwhelming to think about is not getting to hear my mom call Hope "Pumpkin-diddle", her nickname for me growing up.

*Hearing Hope say "Momma"

*Sharing holiday traditions with my little girl, traditions that have meant so much to me.

-Do you know how many Christmas songs are about being pregnant, giving birth and newborn babies? I do.

-I didn't cry nearly at all yesterday and when I got to the end of the day I felt badly about that. I shouldn't but I did.

-I've been trying to not distract myself from pain or ignore it, but it was the only way to survive Disneyland. I guess I've got to do what I need to do to get through some days.

-Herb's grief looks different than mine, but once I figured it out it was a beautiful sight to behold.

-You know my family is good at grieving because they always carry soft tissues.

-Most women claim that their body shape changes after pregnancy but they don't mind so much because they have this beautiful baby. My body shape has definitely changed and it just makes me all the more sad.

-The thought of making a list of material things I want for Christmas is very difficult for me. I don't really want any material things and the one thing that I want that isn't material I can't have.

-I still want to decorate for Christmas but I don't really have any inspiration for gift giving this year. Will people understand if I don't give at my normal creative capacity? I sure hope so.

-I have experienced God's comfort and rest in the midst of this. I am thankful for much needed rest and for a place to retreat when I am too overwhelmed.

Musings of a grieving woman-part 2

-I hate getting dressed in the morning because none of my regular clothes fit and I don't want to wear pregnancy clothes. I usually end up in tears.

-I feel a lot of pressure, mostly from myself, to have a plan and know what I should be doing. The pressure doesn't help the already difficult decisions I have to face.

-I think often about the trying again process, and it leaves me with so many questions:

*Would I want a boy or a girl? I was so convinced Hope was a girl and I wanted that little girl so badly. What if I did have another girl? Would I feel like she was replacing Hope? What if I have a boy? Would I be sad to miss out on the experience of my little girl? I'm sure I will feel blessed with whatever child God's given me, but I still question...

*People say you make room in your heart for a second child, that your love grows to encompass them both. How does it work to make room in my heart for my second child when I don't even feel like I've had the full opportunity to be a mom of my first?

*How on earth would I survive if this happened again?

*How do I honor Hope while enjoying the process of having another child?

-This week is going to really suck. I'm grieving the loss of the week in which we were supposed to see our baby for the first time on sonogram. I'm grieving the loss of the opportunity to announce her gender to our family and friends. I'm grieving the excitement that Wednesday was to bring. I'm grieving that my family won't get to meet my little girl and rub my belly. I'm grieving this week...

-I was thinking about what a uniquely cool experience I will get to have when arriving in heaven. I will get to meet my baby in her glorified body and embrace her truly for the first time. Yet another piece of heaven to look toward eagerly. I can't wait Hope, I can't wait!

-During worship last night I was convicted that I can't make my grief and my Hope an idol in my life. Instead of becoming consumed, I need to focus more on God's hand in all of this, how He is working. Not exactly sure how to do that, but I'm trying...

-Last night at church our pastor encouraged us to thank God for the hard things in our lives. I wonder, do I have to get to the place where I can thank God for my miscarriage? For taking my Hope? I'm not sure if I can get to that place...I can absolutely thank Him for the things His doing around and through this, but I'm not sure I can thank Him for taking her away.

-The only way I can reconcile or be at peace with this situation is to believe that it is for God's glory. It is my only current comfort.

-I'm thankful for the deep reassurance God has placed in my heart of His existence and power and love and mercy and hope. Without them, I'm not sure I could walk through the bouts of silence and hurt.

-What will Disneyland be like for me this week? Will it still be the happiest place on earth? Will I still be able to find joy there? Or will I be unable to enjoy, unable to experience happiness? I hope I can enjoy, or is it rather that I hope I can allow myself to enjoy it.

-I'm looking forward to being with my family this week. For lack of a better way to put it, they are good at grieving and I will appreciate and take comfort in their grieving alongside of me.

Musing of a grief sticken woman-part 1

I have many small thoughts that hit me like a semi-truck or things that run through my mind that I feel like sharing. This is my forum for these thoughts.

-Most women would rejoice that they fit into their pre-pregnancy pants; I sat on the floor of my bedroom and cried.

-Yogurt was my pregnancy food; it helped keep the nausea at bay and kept me from getting hungry while sleeping. Eating it now is hard, and I just don't want to.

-I keep speaking about my pregnancy in the present tense and then I remember...

-I used to look at my belly in the shower thankful that it was growing; now I look down and wish it were there.

-What do I do with things like the pregnancy test, things that we kept with such joy?

-I keep remembering things I've said throughout my pregnancy that are painful to think of now. Examples: "What an amazing blessing that no woman in our Bible study has miscarried." " All of these women are having their second babies, I think one would be more than enough for me."

-"What if" questions may be worse than "why" questions. Both occur far too frequently.

-The people who come by remind me of how blessed I truly am. If it weren't for them, I'd get too lost in the blessing I've lost.

-I can't imagine going through this with anyone but Herb. I am married to the sweetest, most gentle and patient man. He is one of God's greatest gifts to me.

-My attention span is very small. I can't stay focused on one thing for too long. Very unusual for me.

-Music gives me words to talk to God when I have none. I'm thankful for that.

-I think about dumb things like "I haven't shaved since the miscarriage" and I am resistant to doing those things, like it will somehow change what already is.

-I don't miss work at all; it's a very strange phenomenon.

That's all I got for now.

Loss

I know I haven't posted in a while, in fact I haven't posted since becoming pregnant. And now here I am posting after the loss of my little Hope at 18 weeks of pregnancy. I am not really as coherent with my thoughts as I'd like to be, but I did want to share this vision I had yesterday. It has been precious in holding my heart up these last 24 hours.

I was listening to a CD made for me, I call it For Hope, and one of the songs was talking about how she couldn't see God, but in actuality He had been standing beside her crying along with her. When I started to think on that, this image popped into my head:

I started to imagine God last Monday, watching me live through my day as usual, knowing what I was about to find out Monday afternoon. I imagine how grieved His heart was knowing the pain I was about to endure. I imagine Him wanting to rescue me from it, but knowing it was too late, everything had been set in motion. So He just sat, and watched me, and cried as I found out the most earth shattering news possible. He is my Daddy, just like I am Hope's Mommy and Herb is Hope's Daddy, and I know that more than anything in the world He wanted to ease our pain.

For some of you this image might not be comforting, but for me it reminds me of God's character. He is gentle, loving, and we are so very precious to Him. So when I am angry or when I am hurting or when I am lost or when I am hopeless, I try and remember God's gentle hand wiping away my tears as He weeps along with me.