-One must be a glutton for punishment to go to Disneyland after losing a child; it is after all the land of children of all ages. I lasted 5 minutes before I broke down crying after seeing a mom and daughter interact in the bathroom.
-The hardest part of this loss is grieving the dreams you had for your child. The hard part is that some of the dreams you've identified and some you haven't even thought of. Here are some of the dreams lost that I experienced this weekend:
*Taking my daughter to Disneyland and watching her face light up at each of the characters
*Watching Hope's face as she watched fireworks; there is nothing as magical as a child's face as they watch fireworks
*Sharing all of my favorite Disneyland places--Peter Pan, Small World, Pirates of the Carribean
*Holding her hand; this one kept coming to me over and over again
*As I listened to each of my family members interact with my cousin's daughter, I grieved not getting to hear them play with Hope. I will miss out on her laughter as they tickle her or chase her. I will miss out on hearing my Aunt Kasey sing songs, real and made up, to Hope. But the one that is overwhelming to think about is not getting to hear my mom call Hope "Pumpkin-diddle", her nickname for me growing up.
*Hearing Hope say "Momma"
*Sharing holiday traditions with my little girl, traditions that have meant so much to me.
-Do you know how many Christmas songs are about being pregnant, giving birth and newborn babies? I do.
-I didn't cry nearly at all yesterday and when I got to the end of the day I felt badly about that. I shouldn't but I did.
-I've been trying to not distract myself from pain or ignore it, but it was the only way to survive Disneyland. I guess I've got to do what I need to do to get through some days.
-Herb's grief looks different than mine, but once I figured it out it was a beautiful sight to behold.
-You know my family is good at grieving because they always carry soft tissues.
-Most women claim that their body shape changes after pregnancy but they don't mind so much because they have this beautiful baby. My body shape has definitely changed and it just makes me all the more sad.
-The thought of making a list of material things I want for Christmas is very difficult for me. I don't really want any material things and the one thing that I want that isn't material I can't have.
-I still want to decorate for Christmas but I don't really have any inspiration for gift giving this year. Will people understand if I don't give at my normal creative capacity? I sure hope so.
-I have experienced God's comfort and rest in the midst of this. I am thankful for much needed rest and for a place to retreat when I am too overwhelmed.
A Year In Review
7 years ago
1 comment:
Katie, I know you're still dealing with a lot of grief and pain but it really is amazing to see how God has worked in you already, to see the positives you listed in this entry truly is a work of the spirit. You're doing great, even if you don't feel like it.
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