Remembering

I can't explain how thankful I am when others remember Hope. I know it is easy to forget her, after all very few people even met her, but I am so grateful when people remember my precious girl without my prompting.

A most beautiful example of this beauty came from my friend Janell last weekend. We were on our way home from a baby shower, and Janell said she wanted to ask me something. She asked if I wanted Hope honored in some way at my baby shower for this newest little girl. Janell said that she didn't want to forget Hope and her significance, and so her thought had been to make shirts in honor of Hope for my shower. Of course I started to cry and was so overwhelmed with the gentle sweetness of this gesture--so simple yet so profound to my mother's heart. What a perfect representation of God's love for me and for Hope reflected in the heart of my dear friend Janell!

Then just last night my thoughtful sister asked what we were doing to celebrate Hope's birthday. She asked if I wanted to celebrate alone or if I wanted company. Kevyn sweetly remembered that this day is quickly approaching and wanted to make sure that we honored my precious daughter! I love that I didn't even have to ask--Kevyn just made it a point to remember and offer her comfort and her company. What a gift my sister is and how thankful I am for her remembering!

Not everyone will remember and not everyone has to, but I am so grateful for those who do. It is in that remembering that I feel like Hope is valued, like she is a part of my family, that she will never be forgotten. These are things that I very much feel everyday, but I am overwhelmed when others share those feelings with me. What a gift my friends and family are and what a present their remembering is to me! Thank you for those who help me in my remembering, who share in the remembering with me. You lessen my load and lighten my heart.

It's a Girl!

We had our 20 week ultrasound on Wednesday and it was one of the most fun experiences of my life! I barely slept the night before--just imagining getting to see our little one again and finally knowing who we should be expecting in 20 weeks was more than my mind could handle! I tossed and turned and finally just got out of bed at 4:30, mostly because I was starving! The fun part was that our little one was going crazy all morning long; I think she was just as excited as we were!

On my way to the ultrasound I drank some OJ, I've heard that is helpful, and listened to my Hope play list. There were of course many tears as I drove to the ultrasound, missing Hope, wishing I had had this day with Hope, but mostly there were tears of complete joy knowing that God had prepared this way for us. I was completely tear-filled and humbled as I listened to the words:

I believe always, always our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
He will be with you always

My Savior has not failed me. He has been so incredibly faithful to me that I cannot even begin to articulate the myriad of ways He's comforted me and renewed so many things that were lost. I can see how Jesus fulfilled Isaiah 43:19 in me " See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?" How many new things my Father has done in me! I can't even count them! This joy, this peace in knowing that God is at work, that He never fails, filled me with great tears of joy Wednesday morning.

When we arrived at the perinatal center, we had to wait for what seemed like an eternity. The OJ had clearly kicked in right on time; at 9:15 the baby was bouncing away in my uterus, but we had to wait! As we sat there waiting Herb asked how I was feeling, and I said "Excited and nervous!" He said "What's there to be nervous about? It's going to be a baby!" Oh my smart alec husband!

Finally they called us in around 9:45 and sadly we did not get our beloved ultrasound tech, but our new tech was very sweet as well. She also asked about Hope and was very mindful of how tender of an experience this was for me. She began looking around and there was our sweet baby, hiccups and all! The baby was moving around like crazy and was honestly giving the tech a bit of a hard time. But we saw a powerful, steady heart beat with perfect 4 chambers of the heart! The baby's brain looked particularly huge--I think it must be Herb's! And her spine looked perfect!

As we tried to discern the gender we discovered that the baby's legs were crossed! At this point I called the baby a brat! I did, I couldn't help it! Does that make me a bad mother? But the tech navigated around enough to find the ovaries, verifying that our baby was indeed a girl! I didn't completely trust her conclusion, so I was thankful when I asked again about two minutes later if the baby had uncrossed her legs and she had! Yep, she's a girl! I was right, which is mostly only satisfying because I feel like my mother's intuition is spot on! I don't think Herb was too disappointed to be wrong. I'm very much envisioning her to be daddy's little girl about 20 seconds after she's born!

After all of this I slyly mentioned to the tech that the reason I thought the baby was a girl was because of the 3D picture at the previous ultrasound. She either took my hint or was just very gracious because then she tried to get us a 3D picture. But our little girl at this point was tuckered out from all of her squirming around and was now curled up on her arms and legs, butt up in the air with her face pressed firmly against the bottom of my uterus. Because the tech couldn't get a good profile angle we didn't get a 3D picture this time, but that's okay. The pictures we have are wonderful!

As we walked out of the building Herb and I both said our daughter's name; we've had it chosen for quite some time now. It is perfect for her! I've loved calling her by that name since the moment we discovered she is a girl! Herb isn't quite ready to share yet, but it's really only a matter of time before I slip up! And luckily Herb knows this too and is ready for that day!

We went over to my OB for my 20 week appointment and called our moms. Both grandmas are super excited about a healthy baby and about our little girl! Then the texting began! It was so fun to share with everyone our news! I know no one, including us, really cared which gender our baby was, they were more concerned about healthy, but it is SO fun to give a more concrete definition to our little one! My appointment went well and I am so incredibly thankful for Dr. Riley. She acknowledged that this must be a tough time of year for me and a tough time in my pregnancy. Because of this she told me I could come in any day I was feeling concerned or worried and listen to my little one's heartbeat. What a relief to know that if I just need that extra reassurance it is there for me! What a blessing, truly!

After my appointment Herb and I parted ways. Coming to work was a little anticlimactic but there were plenty of excited people there to make me feel loved. I definitely couldn't focus the rest of the day! I spent a great deal of time looking at girly nursery things online and day dreaming about my little girl!

That night Herb brought me pink tulips and told me they were from our daughter! What a precious, sweet thing for my husband to do! I am the luckiest girl in the world to have the people in my life that I do, my husband being at the top of that list!

Herb then took me shopping at Target so that we could buy our first little girl outfit! Herb was humorously enamored with all things boy, and I had to remind him that now we know we're having a girl! I think he'll get used to the idea--he just likes orange and monkeys and sports--all boy things. But he actually picked out the outfit we purchased--it's a little red with pink polka dot footed sleeper that says "Mom and Dad's little cuddle bear"! Adorable! She's going to look wonderful in it :-)

After that I went home and crashed! I was exhausted from the emotions and the events of the day, but I slept easy dreaming of my little girl, the girl I cannot wait to hold in my arms come March! Praise God for this day and the moments He has given me with our beautiful baby! I am blessed beyond all measure!

Here are some pictures from the ultrasound:

This is the ovary shot!

I LOVE this little foot!

She's sucking her thumb!

Dr. Riley asked whose nose this was and I'm sorry to say baby girl that I think it's mine! Hopefully I gave you some of my good traits too ;-)

Grief Moments

I think I'm entering into what will be the hardest weeks of my pregnancy and of my grief process. Everything about this time of year is reminding me of Hope. Leaving on vacation for Fall break was really hard for me; it dredged up a lot of fear about this pregnancy. You see my vacation to Philadelphia last Fall was the last thing I really remember doing with Hope--in some ways it was the beginning of the end. So as I stepped on the plane last Friday I shed many tears of grief and fear. I am having a very hard time believing that I will make it past week 19 of this pregnancy, not for any reason other than 19 weeks of pregnancy is all that I know. And that's been hard too...

There have been moments in these last weeks that have triggered great sadness for me, moments that are glorious and painful all at the same time. These moments are moments I never had the chance to have with Hope; these moments were the moments I was waiting for with such great anticipation last year around this time. Two weeks ago my dear friend had her 20 week ultrasound and found out the sex of her baby. I was SO excited for her but all of the sudden also overwrought with grief remembering how I never really had that moment with Hope. I was so looking forward to that moment with her and it never came. And I think that was just a small piece of the emotions I will feel in two weeks when I get to have my 20 week ultrasound with this baby. Of course I will be thrilled to discover the gender and receive verification that this baby is healthy, but there will be a shade of grief over the moment knowing that I never did have and never will have that experience with Hope.

In that same vein I couldn't help but be thrilled last week when I started to feel this baby move! It is such a delicate and precious feeling; the movement creates such a bond between me and the baby. And yet there are moments when I can't help but cry--I never knew this sensation with Hope. These flutters are all new to me, but I wish they weren't. I wish I could have had these moments with my sweet little girl. Does that diminish the joy I feel with this baby? Not at all, but the longing for my Hope is just the same.

And I wonder, I wonder if I will have these moments every once in a while with huge milestones in this new child's life. Will the milestones trigger what I've missed out on with Hope? Or are these particular milestones more powerful because I was so close to having them with her last year at this time? I'm sure it's a little of both. I'm sure I will always have a hollow ache for my Hope, a tender place that's only hers. But that's okay because it is a reminder of the important role she has in my life; she is my daughter and no future children will change that. There will be missed moments with her, just as there will be moments shared with this new child. That is the reality of my life, my grief.

So as I walk into these next two weeks of pregnancy, the final weeks of pregnancy I'm familiar with, I admit great fear. I actually considered calling my doctor and asking if she would see me weekly between now and 20 weeks, just so that I could have reassurance that everything was still okay. These next weeks will be an exercise in trust and faith in ways that go beyond how this whole pregnancy has been exactly that. I have to dare to believe that this 17th week, this 18th week, this 19th week will be different than the last.

And as I walk into this next month of reminders, this month leading to November 10th, I will be teary, I will have grief moments. These were the last days with my Hope. There will be days, events, happenstances that trigger overwhelming memories and overwhelming grief. This will be a hard month, but again, that's as it should be. I should remember these days and moments because they are a part of my story, of Hope's, and of our story together. These days changed my life forever and I can't change or ignore that. And so I won't ignore them--I will walk through them and I will cry through them and I will end up on the other side of them.

Because although these are grief moments, they are also brief moments. They will not consume me forever, for there is joy coming. "So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy" John 16:22. Oh will there be joy!

Until then bear with my brief moments of grief, walk alongside me, try to understand, and if you don't, just try to trust that I am doing the best that I can with what I have. And know that this is only for a time--this is what I must believe as well, that these grief moments will pass.