Grief Moments

I think I'm entering into what will be the hardest weeks of my pregnancy and of my grief process. Everything about this time of year is reminding me of Hope. Leaving on vacation for Fall break was really hard for me; it dredged up a lot of fear about this pregnancy. You see my vacation to Philadelphia last Fall was the last thing I really remember doing with Hope--in some ways it was the beginning of the end. So as I stepped on the plane last Friday I shed many tears of grief and fear. I am having a very hard time believing that I will make it past week 19 of this pregnancy, not for any reason other than 19 weeks of pregnancy is all that I know. And that's been hard too...

There have been moments in these last weeks that have triggered great sadness for me, moments that are glorious and painful all at the same time. These moments are moments I never had the chance to have with Hope; these moments were the moments I was waiting for with such great anticipation last year around this time. Two weeks ago my dear friend had her 20 week ultrasound and found out the sex of her baby. I was SO excited for her but all of the sudden also overwrought with grief remembering how I never really had that moment with Hope. I was so looking forward to that moment with her and it never came. And I think that was just a small piece of the emotions I will feel in two weeks when I get to have my 20 week ultrasound with this baby. Of course I will be thrilled to discover the gender and receive verification that this baby is healthy, but there will be a shade of grief over the moment knowing that I never did have and never will have that experience with Hope.

In that same vein I couldn't help but be thrilled last week when I started to feel this baby move! It is such a delicate and precious feeling; the movement creates such a bond between me and the baby. And yet there are moments when I can't help but cry--I never knew this sensation with Hope. These flutters are all new to me, but I wish they weren't. I wish I could have had these moments with my sweet little girl. Does that diminish the joy I feel with this baby? Not at all, but the longing for my Hope is just the same.

And I wonder, I wonder if I will have these moments every once in a while with huge milestones in this new child's life. Will the milestones trigger what I've missed out on with Hope? Or are these particular milestones more powerful because I was so close to having them with her last year at this time? I'm sure it's a little of both. I'm sure I will always have a hollow ache for my Hope, a tender place that's only hers. But that's okay because it is a reminder of the important role she has in my life; she is my daughter and no future children will change that. There will be missed moments with her, just as there will be moments shared with this new child. That is the reality of my life, my grief.

So as I walk into these next two weeks of pregnancy, the final weeks of pregnancy I'm familiar with, I admit great fear. I actually considered calling my doctor and asking if she would see me weekly between now and 20 weeks, just so that I could have reassurance that everything was still okay. These next weeks will be an exercise in trust and faith in ways that go beyond how this whole pregnancy has been exactly that. I have to dare to believe that this 17th week, this 18th week, this 19th week will be different than the last.

And as I walk into this next month of reminders, this month leading to November 10th, I will be teary, I will have grief moments. These were the last days with my Hope. There will be days, events, happenstances that trigger overwhelming memories and overwhelming grief. This will be a hard month, but again, that's as it should be. I should remember these days and moments because they are a part of my story, of Hope's, and of our story together. These days changed my life forever and I can't change or ignore that. And so I won't ignore them--I will walk through them and I will cry through them and I will end up on the other side of them.

Because although these are grief moments, they are also brief moments. They will not consume me forever, for there is joy coming. "So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy" John 16:22. Oh will there be joy!

Until then bear with my brief moments of grief, walk alongside me, try to understand, and if you don't, just try to trust that I am doing the best that I can with what I have. And know that this is only for a time--this is what I must believe as well, that these grief moments will pass.