We're moving...

In case you hadn't heard the news, the Garcias are leaving Tucson.  Herb was offered a job in Phoenix and as we prayed and considered the offer, it seemed to be the direction that God was leading us.  While Herb was immediately excited, it would be mild for me to say I did NOT want to go.  Tucson has been my home for the last 13 years.  I have lived here longer than I have lived anywhere in my life.  I have cultivated friends here that I consider family--these friends have served as family in times of sorrow and joy.  They have walked with Herb and me through the death of one child and the birth of two more.  They have challenged me, supported me, understood me and loved me.  I found myself as an educator while living here.  I came into my own as a teacher with some of the most amazing educators walking beside me; I delighted in teaching and sharing life with the most wonderful students a teacher could ask for.  I became a wife in Tucson.  I became a mom in Tucson.  This place has been an amazing home for me and for my children, and I deeply ached to say goodbye to it. 

My mind and heart kept fighting God on this.  Why would He take me away from this place?  Why would He uproot me in an already very difficult season of my life?  Why would He take my children away from their friends?  Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?  For someone who didn't ask "Why?" when I lost my daughter, I sure made up for it with the announcement of this move.

But as I have written at the very top of Lamentations in my Bible, "When we become bitter through affliction we harden the very heart that God meant to grow and change," so I set out to allow God to change me. It has not been easy; in fact it's been quite painful.  Herb is gone during the weeks right now, which means it's me and the kids against the trying-to-sell-our-house world.  I try to keep the house spotless and picked up while allowing my kids to live a life that's as normal as possible. I get both kids to bed at night and then spend an hour doing dishes, scrubbing floors, and vacuuming, only to collapse in bed as quickly as possible before one of them is awake again.  I try to navigate parenting alone, applying the right consequences, spending time with my kids even though there's a basket of laundry to fold.  We have a FaceTime relationship with Herb during the week, trying our best to connect over a tiny phone.  This life we're living right now is not ideal, but I keep trusting that God still has us in Tucson for a reason.  He has left us here to finish whatever work He has for us in the weeks (or maybe months) to come. 

I've heard God's gentle reminders that following Him usually comes at a price; it requires a sacrifice of self, of comfort, even of the things we most treasure.  He gave His life for us, and now it is our turn to give our lives for Him. I remind myself daily, "Not my will, but Thy will be done."

It's somewhat humorous to me when I tell others we're moving, and they respond with "How exciting!" because I certainly don't feel that way.  I haven't felt the excitement of dreaming of new places to live, when I love the house I live in.  I don't relish the idea of making new friends in a time of life when I can barely get a sentence out before I have to intervene as my daughter is sitting on my son's head. I don't like change very much, thus I rarely couple the word "excitement" with change.  And yet I have found an excitement in following God into the unknown.  I have prayed "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the water, wherever You have called me.  Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander that my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my Savior." And God has answered that prayer.  I am excited to heed God's calling.  I am excited to think about who we might impact, the community we will move to, the places we might serve. I love the idea of not being stagnant, of allowing God to move us and change us.  And believe it or not, I'm excited to have so many things stripped away, so that maybe I will lean on Him more deeply.  I read this book a while back (I think it was Out of Control and Loving It, but I'm not positive) and the author wrote, "All that can be shaken, will be shaken."  Basically she was declaring that God is going to shake away those things that keep us from Him--He will not allow us to stay dependent on anything or anyone else.  I think of this phrase a lot as so many things seem to fall out from under me these days.  Jesus is asking me to press into Him, and while 5 times out of 10 that is not my response, the other 5 times allow me to grow a little closer to my Maker.

My life is in a holding pattern right now.  Do I commit to things or do I just wing each day?  Do I pursue new friendships or hide myself away?  Do I still belong here?  Do people still want me around? Do I make doctor's appointments? How do I spend my time? It's tough living in limbo, but I love this verse I read a few weeks ago in my quiet time:  
I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait,
And in His word do I hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
More than the watchmen for the morning;
Indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning.
O Israel, hope in the Lord;
For with the Lord there is lovingkindness,
And with Him is abundant redemption.
Psalm 130:5-7
And so I wait, in hope of what God will do and  how God will work.  He will work, and in His time He will provide a buyer for our house, and a new place to live, and the strength to walk through it all.  I need hourly and sometimes minutely reminders of this truth--that there is Hope and there is a plan.  God is at work even in the silences.  And in the meantime I seek to glorify Him the best I can in my day to day here.  I ask Him for opportunities to shine His light into darkness, even in the mundane drudgery that is constantly cleaning my house and wearily caring for two kids on my own.  I want my life to matter even in those moments, I want Him to receive glory in all that I do.  I have to trust that somehow He is being glorified through my life right now, even though I feel most days like I'm just surviving.

So in case you haven't heard, we're moving, and more importantly God is moving.  He is moving in our hearts and in our lives to change us and to impact His kingdom.  And for that I will take a "How exciting!"