"Did You Really Mean It?"

After my blog post last night about A Severe Mercy I went to bed full of joy and peace.  Somehow the words that I wrote had seeped into my soul, reviving me and reminding me that I do indeed trust my Maker to give me the very best.

But while I slept I had a horrible nightmare.  It started with the usual bad guys chasing me sort of thing.  I thought I was clear of them, and I was driving in my car talking on the phone to my friend Melinda.  We exchanged the normal chit chat until I saw that the villains had found me and were indeed shooting at my car.  A bullet grazed the window but didn't break the glass. It was at that point that I decided the best course of action would be for me to ram my car into the wall right in front of me.  I thought my pursuers would think I was dead and leave me alone, but what I didn't know was that there was a bicyclist on the other side of the wall.  Long and short of it is that the bicyclist died and I found myself explaining to the cops why I had done such an insane act.  "I was being pursued!  They were shooting at me!" was met with "Have you been drinking Ms. Garcia? Were you distracted by your phone?"  They didn't arrest me that night but the plan was to bring me in for more questioning in the morning.  I found myself face to face with my dad sobbing and saying, "I just wrote these words.  I just blogged that 'all that can be shaken will be shaken'.  My life as I know it is going to be over. I'm going to prison. My kids will be left alone. God is shaking me!"  And with that I woke up, heart-racing, panicked.

As I recounted my dream to Herb these questions filled my mind: will I still trust Him?  If this exact thing were to happen tonight, if my distracted driving led to the accidental death of someone else, could I still trust God's severe mercy in the prison sentence?  Could I still trust God's severe mercy in the anguish of knowing my poor choices had led to the death of someone else?   Could I sit in prison just as Paul did and REJOICE?  Could I write letters to others as Paul did and tell them to REJOICE, again I say REJOICE? (Philippians 1:18)

If I truly believe the words I wrote yesterday, the words that gave all credit and praise to the God who will make all things new (Rev. 21:5), who will work all things together for my good (Romans 8:28), who brings beauty from ashes (Isaiah 61:3), then I have to be at peace with anything that happens. Whether it be prison, or rape, or loss of my children, or homelessness, or torture, or whatever other horrific thing my mind can think up, I have to believe that God will work those things together for my good.  That He is capable of working those things together for my good.  They may not be what He wanted, in fact He will cry real tears as He watches the suffering of this world that I have to endure, but He will look me in the eye and tell me, "I will make this new.  I will redeem this.  I will make something more beautiful than you can even fathom. Wait. Watch me. Trust me."  And because I have known His severe mercies before, because I have watched Him redeem so much of what is broken in my life, I will look back into His eyes and say, "I will."

It is certainly my hope and prayer that none of these atrocities become a part of my life, but I appreciate that God felt the need to ask me, "Did you really mean it? What you said in that post, did you mean it? Do you trust me?"  I'm thankful that He called me on my boldness, perhaps even my arrogance, to remind me, that this thing He has called me to isn't easy, in fact it might be excruciating. He forced me to ask if I was up for the challenge. He reminded me of what C.S. Lewis said: "We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful that best will turn out to be." There is a pondering and a trepidation that comes with thinking about how much pain might lie ahead. But there is also a peace in knowing who I am walking into that future with; He forced me to look at the certainty of faith I have in Him. Jesus wasn't about to let me speak my words lightly, and so now I am reminded that I am choosing to believe in His severe mercies no matter how bleak my tomorrow is.  He who is promised is faithful.  He will redeem, He will make all things new.  And this, my friends, is true Hope.