How I Found Rest

I have so many truths in my heart right now, so much that God is unveiling to me, that I almost do not know where to begin.  God is so good to speak to our hearts, He is so gracious to include me in His words and in His ways, and I am overwhelmed by how much my understanding of God has grown and changed these past few months.  Yet as I grow in deeper understanding I also recognize that there is so much more to learn.  How amazing is our God that we cannot even begin to fathom the depth of His character, love, mercy, grace!  What joy in the discovering and the knowing! He is so good to me; let me tell you of His goodness.

By nature I am a doer, I'm quite certain I have been my whole life.  How can I help?  How can I serve? What can I do? What rules should I follow? What's the strategy to win? To succeed? To be noticed? To. Be. Loved? I am so much a doer that there are many times in my life when doing has been impossible (re: I have a cranky newborn), and I actually do not know who I am.  If I'm not helping someone, then who am I?  Of course I never really saw it this way.  I mean, I was helping.  I was doing the right thing, and that was all that mattered.  I was being noticed for my good works.  I was following God's law.  Basically you could call me a Pharisee, a follower of the law externally with an askew heart, but oh how my heart could not see that. 

Some teenagers get attention by acting out, but for me I was all about seeking attention by doing what was right.  I wrote encouraging letters to friends (so that they would think of me as a good friend), I helped teachers out (so that they would see me as a good student), I showed up at church every Sunday (so that the pastors and God could see what a faithful girl I was).  I wanted to be noticed.  I wanted to be loved.  So badly.

And in some ways it is hard to track my progress down this do-gooder road because it became so much a part of every day life.  I was reading my Bible every day, I was listening to sermons to learn more about what to do right, I was serving in ministries that had need, I was giving money away, I was being a good friend.  And all the while I was unconsciously thinking, "God, am I doing it right? Have you noticed me yet? Do you love me yet? I mean I'm checking all the boxes. Or is it not enough? Should I be doing more? I haven't fed the homeless in a while. There are still some needs for child care at the church. I'll try to do those too. Let me know if there's more You need me to do. I'm here. I'm available. Please use me (and please say that I'm enough)."

I was exhausted.  I was so weary from trying to figure out what I needed to do, and then trying to do it.  I was exhausted from wondering if God loved me or if my friends loved me or if Herb loved me or if my kids loved me. I was constantly seeking approval.  And it was a sickness. 

It was especially a sickness because I knew in my head that God gives rest. I could tell anyone who would listen about the beauty of the cross, about grace, about how I didn't have to earn anything. God's free gift to me was salvation, freedom from sin, freedom from my attempts at righteousness.  But nothing about me was restful.  I kept saying with my actions "it's the power of the cross PLUS whatever I can do that saves me."  I really did not understand the power of the cross at all.  I was so wrapped up in earning my acceptance that I was busy rejecting the acceptance that God gives freely. ("Therefore, accept one another, just as Christ also accepted us to the glory of God."Romans 15:7) I could recite Ephesians 5:8-9 ("For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.") but I missed the whole point of the free gift.  I believed the works God had prepared ahead of time for me were so that I could make sure people knew I loved Him.  It was all about the proving for me.

And in this exhausting cycle of proving myself, I constantly questioned whether I was really saved by God. I mean, if it's all about what I'm doing, then there is a pretty good chance I'm not doing enough.  And if I'm not good enough, then He might drop me.  Oh how it saddens my heart to put words to these thoughts!  Because these are the words of someone who doesn't know the cross.  The beauty of Christianity, the beauty of Jesus is that He has done it all!  He has lived a perfect life! (I don't have to live perfectly, not that I even could!) He has accomplished it all! (My accomplishments aren't necessary because it is all His work being done anyway.)  He earned MY salvation; He was good enough, perfect, and yet died anyway, so that I do not have to! 

My eyes have been opened to this truth: the cross is not just about paying the penalty for my sin (although that is absolutely a powerful part of the cross), but it's also about the fact that Jesus lived perfectly.  He worked perfectly, He loved perfectly, He served perfectly, He worshiped perfectly, so I do not have to (Hebrews 10:14).  He did all of those things in my place!  I am free!  I am no longer enslaved by having to do anything perfectly!  I am free to love, worship, work, serve and do so in my own imperfect way knowing that God already filled in the gaps.  Nothing I can do can add to the work of the cross.  My life here, my work, my words are all the Lord's, they are His to use, they come from Him, and He will work them together for His good (Romans 8:28)!

This truth is SO exciting to me!  I cannot tell you the freedom I am experiencing newly each day as I rise to walk into this world.  On the cross, as Jesus breathed His last breath He said, "It is finished" and oh the power of these words!  It is all complete in Him. Jesus has done it all and I am free!



I am experiencing a new rest.  I now feel frenetic stress to be or do far less often. I look at each situation and recognize that God is the one at work and if I don't have the resources or the capacity to serve that I can ask Him to accomplish it and He will. When it's not in my hands but His, there is so much REST!

I'm excited to know this truth before my kids are fully grown. I'm excited at the prospect of raising them in a home where they feel free to obey and love and serve rather than feel burdened to do those things!  I'm excited to show them the cross that I now know, the cross that allows me to breathe. I'm excited to turn them toward the Savior who gave it all so that I might know this freedom.

Monday I wrote these words in my journal, "It isn't about works, it's about turning to Jesus time and again. Turning to Him when I'm anguished, fearful, sinful, joyful, weary, lost.  This turning testifies to my eternal faith in Him more than anything else I might do.  And this turning to Jesus defines me, it is true of me. So let me rest."

May this be the testimony of my life. In my moments of inadequacy, of self-sufficiency, of brokenness, of pride, of dejection, and of jubilation let me return to Him.  May I walk back to the cross, drop to my knees and look up into the face of the one who freed me.  May I let Him whisper the words "It is finished Katie" over and over when I try to earn my way yet again.  May I hear "It is finished Katie" when I see how much pain I've inflicted with my words or my selfishness. May I shout from the rooftops "IT IS FINISHED KATIE" whenever I desire the approval of others.  Because God loves me for me, not for what I can do for Him. He gave me the cross because He looked on me and loved me.  He loved me enough to free my from my slavery, and to allow me to walk in His light.

O the wonderful cross, now I may truly live.