I Needed That

Here's the prayer exchange I had with God this morning.  Warning: it's raw.  It's prayer. It's unedited and it's true.  I hope that perhaps it encourages you as much as it did me.  I needed to be reminded that God can and does speak if indeed I listen.  The words in red are what I heard God saying to me.

Gracious Father, I come before You broken.  I know You are the only one who can fill me and yet I don’t feel full.  I am quick to blame that on Your inadequacies but I know deep down it’s me.  But focusing on my inadequate means to connect with You only makes it worse.  It makes me feel worse about myself, worse about what I’m incapable of doing.  It makes me feel like a failure in pursuing You, on top of my perceived failures as a wife and friend.  I’m empty Jesus please come and fill me.

Let me settle down at Your feet.  Let me try to drown out the noise around me.  Allow me to be a blubbering disappointed, disillusioned mess. And love me anyway.  Father, I think a lot of my brokenness comes from failed expectations I have had about this stay at home mom gig.  I thought mothering would come naturally to me, I thought that snuggling my little girl would bring me comfort, I thought that being a mom would allow me to step into the realm of motherhood where everyone else belonged, that it would allow me to belong.  But it turns out I still don’t belong just as much as I did before, and perhaps I even belong less because I no longer belong to the teacher-school world, or the world of students.  I feel often like I don’t belong in my marriage, like I don’t belong as Izzy’s mother, like I really don’t belong as your child.  As per usual, as is my ongoing struggle, I feel like I’m not enough.  I’m constantly seeking to be enough to everyone and wondering why they aren’t enough for me.  I know why they aren’t enough for me, You are the only one who can be enough, and yet I feel your silence.

Your silence these days is deafening to me. I hear snippets, I hear your guidance a few times a day as I consult You with decisions about how to parent Isabelle, but I don’t feel your presence.  I wonder how You can fill the void of a desperate need for conversation, my desperate need to be heard and share life.  And yet I know that there are many who live alone, in the wilderness, like David fleeing from Saul, who didn’t feel alone, who felt you at every turn, every decision.  You are the God of the universe, of course You are capable of being enough for me, and yet I doubt, and yet I try to fill my emptiness with others.  I think I’m asking something of people that they can’t give, maybe, but part of me feels like I’m not.  I guess regardless of what they are or are not able or willing to give, I need to realize that what they give me should just be extra.  I should already be filled by you.  But how?  Seriously, how Jesus?  Tell me how to be filled by you. 

I pray I think pretty regularly throughout the day, I spend time reading and memorizing Your word, I serve you, I invite the Holy Spirit to move through me, why am I still empty?  What am I missing?  Speak to me Holy Spirit, intercede for the Father and tell me, what am I missing?

Freedom is the word that comes to mind. Gratefulness. Time. Me. You’re missing Me. My heart. Don’t be so caught up in the intellectual.  Listen to your heart, listen to My heart. What is my heart for you?  You know this. I have plans to prosper and not to harm you. So rest. Trust.  If I have you walking through this right now, there is a reason.  Wasn’t there a reason for your anxiety? Wasn’t there a reason for losing Hope?  There’s always a purpose to the pain. “It’s the moment when humanity is overcome by majesty, when grace is ushered in for good and all pain is understand, when mercy takes its rightful place.” “Spurn the words that I despise, hear the words I can’t deny, watch the world I used to know, fall to dust and blown away.  I look beyond the empty cross forgetting what my life has cost, take my beauty take my tears, take my sin and make it yours. take my world apart, take my world apart, take me now take me now. Worlds apart.” Stop taking the cross for granted.  Take a good long hard look at it. I’m there. I’m bleeding, for you.  You have been given a spirit of adoption, as sons by which you cry out “Abba Father”. The spirit testifies along with your spirit that you are a child of God. And if a child an heir also, an heir of God and fellow heir of Christ if indeed you suffer with Christ, that you might also be glorified with Him.  For you consider the sufferings of this present world as not worthy to be compared to the glory that is to come.  For the anxious longing of creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God. You are my child, my beloved, in whom I am well pleased.  I can and will fill you, if you let me.  Please let me.  I am the perfect bridegroom, I adore you, and I have sent you a great love letter.  Don’t ignore it.  Don’t push it aside.  Let it be everything to you.  Let it define you.  In those moments where Izzy is screaming, where friends aren’t calling, when Herb doesn’t praise you, let my words define you. When your world is crumbling all around you, let me carry you.  Let me tell you you are beautiful even if you didn’t get to work out today and you can’t lose those last 5 pounds and none of your clothes fit.  I don’t care. I see you naked, raw, broken and I love you. I don’t know how I could’ve made that any more clear, I gave my most precious gift for you.  For YOU.  Are you listening?  Are you letting this sink in?  Stop thinking about what you have to do next or what you should be doing and listen: I CHOSE you.  Why do you think I have you reading Romans right now?  I don’t care about predestination, I don’t care about the logical arguments people can make, I care enough to tell you that I CHOSE YOU. YOU, Katie Sue Garcia, I want to spend time with you, I want to hear your stories and your thoughts, I want to lift you up when you feel broken down, I want to meet your needs, I want to encourage you, I want to make you feel loved. I CHOSE you to be Isabelle’s mom, and Herb’s wife, and Janell’s friend, and Kevyn’s sister, and Kerry’s daughter. I specifically CHOSE you to serve the refugee families you work with, to sit in your YM group every week, to teach the students that sat in your classroom, and to now sit in your home and care for your child.  I CHOSE this.  It may not be what you envisioned, but I want this for you because I want this for your daughter.  I want this for the refugee families you now have time to work with. I want this for my kingdom.  You are doing a mighty work, and it’s just as mighty as the work you did in the classroom.  It’s not as glamorous and you don’t get as much affirmation, but that’s okay.  Look to me for the affirmation, look at your sweet smiling girl.  She is so secure because of the mom you are.  Believe it, don’t doubt it.  Stop doubting my love for you, my plan for you.  I am your great redeemer , that is who you tout me to be when people ask you about who I am.  So believe it! Are you listening? Believe that I will redeem your pain, I will redeem your sleepless nights, I will redeem your loneliness, and I will redeem your doubts in who you are.  I AM and stop trying to stop me from being who I AM.  Let me be me, so that you can be you, in all of your glory.  Do you hear me Katie?  You are glorious—you have allowed my light to shine through you, so you are glorious.  Walk in my Spirit, walk in my glory and I will walk beside you, with you, in you and through you.  You are not alone, so stop listening to the silence of this world and listen to the glory of my truth. I’ve got this, I’ve got you. So trust me.

God thank you!  Thank you for speaking truth over my heart!  I needed to hear you and I’m so thankful I quieted my complaining heart long enough to listen.  Thank you!  Please God, don’t let these words of truth fall out of my ears.  Don’t let Satan’s lies reign.  When Satan begins to speak, shout Him down with your truth.  And give me discernment to hear your voice and yours alone.

God daily remind me that I need this time.  I need the time to quiet my heart before you.  No matter what to do list breathes down my neck, no matter how urgent other things seem to be, let me rest at your feet first.  Let the world fade away. Be my everything.  And help me to let you be that to me.

Amen.

Social Justice

Did you know that 27 million women and children are enslaved around the world today? Did you know that 26,000 children die of hunger EVERY single day in this world? More than two billion people survive on less than 2 dollars a day and another million more survive on less than one! These statistics were staggering to me as I read them and heard them over the last few months. These things had been true for quite some time, how did I not know them before now? Had I heard these statistics before and just closed my ears? I'm not sure.

What I do know is that is was just ten years ago as a college sophomore that I was SO frustrated with the inundated message of InterVarsity Christian Fellowship that we as people of God should be about social justice. I felt like every day they were asking me to leave everything and walk into the world carrying my Bible like a sword. I felt as if they were saying what I was doing was not enough. I felt like they were belittling my life and telling me to find a new one. I took it personally. They never really explained to me what social justice was, or at least not that I can remember. I don't remember hearing these numbers; I don't remember conjuring images of cruel men using defenseless and scared women as their play things. I don't recall envisioning the hollow eyes of hungry children in need of just one nibble of food. If those images did appear they certainly didn't seem real to me.

But now they are completely real. Last Fall I read the book Radical by David Platt. The premise of the book is that it is important to take the American Dream out of the church and instead replace it God's word, God's calling. This book is powerful. I don't agree with everything he says and he uses hyperbole to make his point in a way that can be alienating to the reader, but the Holy Spirit was at work in my heart as I read Radical and I am radically changed.

For too long I have had my eyes closed to the desperate need of this world; the need of a Savior. I have known this truth intellectually and I have known this truth theoretically, but I haven't really known this truth in my heart of hearts. This world NEEDS Jesus. And it not only NEEDS Jesus, it NEEDS the people of Jesus to step up and fight for injustice. This world NEEDS me to partner with Jesus to feed the hungry, to free the captives, to bring truth. Whether I walk to their doorstep and deliver food or pray for the people who will, I NEED to DO something. I NEED to fight injustice, God has called me to it. Micah 6:8 says:

He has told you, O man, what is good;
And what does the LORD require of you
But to do justice, to love kindness,
And to walk humbly with your God?

The last part of the verse calls me to walk humbly; I believe that to be both in spirit and in lifestyle. I am now very aware of the money I spend and the cost that it is to the rest of the world. I love my coffee at Starbucks but when I drink it I think about how that $5 could have fed 5 children in a third world country. When we eat out, which is rarely now, I think about how much food could be purchased with our $30 bill for those who ache with an empty stomach. It's both a blessing and a curse to think on these things--I realize daily what a gift my life is, but I am also prompted to realize the swelling need in this world.

It's hard to say if I was responsible for the lives and hearts of these people in college when my eyes were closed to the injustice of this world. But now God has convicted my heart, He has made me aware, He has given me very powerful images of the pain and suffering in this world, so now I am accountable. I must do something. But what?

I am thinking on and working on this. I have started working with the refugee families in our community bringing friendship and partnership to families completely uprooted from everything they've ever known. I am hoping and praying about ways to bring food to new mothers who are on AHCCCS here in Tucson. And I am praying, praying for the nations, praying for the poor, praying for those who are enslaved. Psalm 2:8 says:

‘Ask of Me, and I will surely give the nations as Your inheritance,
And the very ends of the earth as Your possession.

I want to believe that prayer has the power to not only move mountains, but fill empty stomachs, break chains and bring salvation to the lost. So I am praying.

It has been hard for me these last months as God has been convicting my heart to watch others not feel the same conviction. My life and perspective has been changed and I want theirs to change as well. But I've come to realize that God convicts each heart in His own time. I'm sure that there were people in college who were frustrated with my lack of care and concern for social justice, but the Holy Spirit hadn't prompted my heart to that understanding yet. So I seek to be patient knowing that the Lord moves in His own timing.

But just because others aren't convicted as I am does not mean that I will stay silent. I must share what God is doing in my life because it is a powerful work! And as each one of us shares God continues to soften our hearts and reveal His truth to us. May our hearts always be softened and our ears open to hear what God is doing in this world. And may we never stop bringing God to a world so desperately in need of Him!

Season of Hope

I'm not sure what I thought it would be like when Isabelle arrived. I certainly did not believe that Isabelle's presence would somehow erase the pain and sorrow over the death of Hope, but what I wasn't aware of is how much deeper the ache would be when we had Isabelle. You see, I now know with greater understanding how much I have missed and will continue to miss of Hope. I never did get to see Hope giggle or master the art of rolling or crawling or exploring. I will never snuggle with Hope in the wee hours of the night or hold her close when she cries. I won't have those moments where I just look at Hope with an overwhelming sense of God's love for me and my certain love for my sweet daughter. These moments are so precious with Isabelle and I am so incredibly grateful for them; I am so blessed to have Isabelle in my life and yet I still have a longing for Hope.

We're entering into the season of Hope, really we're already here. So many things about October and November trigger the memory of losing my sweet baby girl. Things like watching playoff baseball and choosing Halloween costumes remind me of sitting on the couch on bed rest wishing to be back at work. The first signs of the flu, runny nose, aching throat, take me back to the sleepless nights I spent at Herb's parents house when we were there for his reunion...the flu that started there was the beginning of the end. Silly things like the smell of smoke in Herb's car, which prompted a ridiculous argument right before we lost Hope, penetrate my memory. Our minds are so tragically beautiful in the way they remember. I am so grateful to remember the last moments I shared with Hope and yet the memories pain me when I am least expecting it.

I'm not sure what to do with the season of Hope this year. I am most certainly teary and I often find myself snuggling Isabelle for as long as she'll let me. I plan for us to go visit the Children's Memorial Park on the 10th, but these simple things don't seem like enough. And so, as with everything, I have to take it to Jesus. He has to be the one to hold Hope a little more tightly this year, to rejoice in her laughter, and clap at her milestones. Jesus has the joy of being Hope's Daddy in Herb's absence. Herb is the most amazing father I could have never imagined and I am grieved that Hope never knew him like Isabelle does, but Hope knows the greatest Father; the Father who never has to leave for work, or mow the lawn, or discipline her. The Father who gets to sit and watch her play every day to His great delight. I am so grateful that Hope knows her heavenly Father and now my daily prayer is that Isabelle will know Him the way Hope does.

In this season of Hope I will be teary, I will be overcome with memories, I will be sentimental, but I will also Hope. I love her name--it is the definition of how I get through days, of who I know my God to be. My sweet baby girl lives on in her name and in my heart through this season and always.

Remember Dreams Come True!

This last weekend Herb and I had the pure joy of taking Isabelle to Disneyland for the first time! Because our annual passes had expired we weren't sure when we'd be able to return but I had a few days left on a military pass from Thanksgiving and we gave Herb a ticket for Father's day. So off to Anaheim we went on Thursday. I was more nervous about the drive than I was about taking Izzy into the park. I wouldn't say the drive went smoothly but we only added an hour total to our usual journey and she didn't all out cry for more than 10 minutes total, so I would call it a success. Sadly she didn't sleep much in the car so when we arrived at the hotel she was SUPER tired! Sleeping in a new environment and under non-ideal circumstances had her awake at 7:30 Friday morning (despite going to bed around 1) OR perhaps she was just far too excited about Disneyland to sleep! I choose to believe the latter!

We arrived at the park, walked through those magical gates and took the all important family picture in front of Mickey and the train. Isabelle was enjoying just taking in the sights and sounds of Main Street. We introduced her to pin trading right away and even found a few pins she liked ;-) Then we went to get Space Mountain fast passes and found that the line was only 10 minutes! This Momma had not ridden Space Mountain in over two years so we left Izzy with Grandma and took off on our roller coaster type ride through space. It had been so long since I had been on the ride that I didn't remember the turns, which made the ride all that much more exciting!

When we got off we headed toward Peter Pan to Herb's chagrin and my great joy! I couldn't think of a better ride to introduce Isabelle to the joy of Disneyland than those flying boats. As we waited in the queue people looked adoringly at our sweet girl and she began to fade. By the time we reached the boat she had zonked out! She woke up briefly when Captain Hook reared his ugly head but continued her doze in the stroller for another half an hour. Meanwhile my mom and I rode Indiana Jones while Herb stayed with Izzy, and then Herb and I hopped on the Big Thunder and enjoyed the Wildest Ride in the Wilderness! By the time we returned our Bean was wide awake. We went to the baby center to eat and Isabelle was far to interested in all of the other babies and pictures on the wall to eat. She just loves to take in everyone and everything! She's so observant and interested in the world around her! I think it was the perfect time for her first Disneyland adventure!

Before we headed off for lunch we made a quick stop at Buzz Lightyear. I'm pretty sure this was Isabelle's favorite ride! She kept looking around at all the lights and talking, talking, talking through the whole thing! Because the ride stopped I managed to get a pretty darn high score even with an Izzy on my lap, but sadly she was too little to show up in the picture :-( But we know she was there and that she had a great time!

For lunch we met my Aunt Kasey, and cousins Domo and Megan at ESPN Zone for lunch. We let Isabelle roll around on a blanket on the floor, which she loved, and she also had a grand old time watching the 20 sports filled TVs! Herb held her while we ate lunch--he figured his hamburger and fries were easy enough to consume with an Izzy on his lap. Lo and behold I look over to find that Isabelle has snatched up a french fry from his plate and is gnawing away at it! I wish we had snapped a picture before snatching it away from her! She had a sly look in her eye--she knew what she had gotten away with! Once the fry was pried from her hand she started reaching for Herb's Coke Zero. I'm pretty confident she's his kid ;-)

Isabelle fell asleep as we walked back to California Adventure, so we grabbed some Soaring fast passes and went to check out the new Little Mermaid ride. The ride was fantastic and beautiful! It really felt like we were Under the Sea, but sadly Ursala was a bit too loud for Izzy and she woke up again. My poor sweet girl was just too excited to nap!

Herb took Izzy to the room to let her roll around a bit while Mom and I headed back into the park to ride Splash Mountain in attempts to cool off. It was hotter than blazes both days, which was quite exhausting, and sadly we didn't get wet on Splash. I think that anytime you actually want to get wet on Splash you never do and conversely anytime you want to be dry you find yourself drenched! So we opted for a Dole Whip to cool off while we watched the new Soundsational Parade. I can't wait until Isabelle is old enough to watch the parade intently! I love watching the faces of little kids as the characters pass by!

When we went back to the room Isabelle was still super warm. So she and I took a bath swim to cool down. Boy did she have a great time in the bath tub! I'm pretty sure that the bath tub was her favorite ride at Disneyland! She splashed and splashed and splashed! After she had cooled down I tried to put her to sleep for the night so that Herb and I could head back to watch fireworks. Our sweet girl was just far too overtired to sleep, so we didn't make it to the night shows that evening, which was absolutely okay with me! My precious Isabelle is well worth it!

Saturday we started our day with a super tired girl! So she and I walked to the park and back to the hotel so she could get a nap while Dad and Grandma rode Screamin'. When we got back to the park, we met Grandma in the Toy Story Mania ride and Isabelle had her first 3-D experience! She had SO much fun! I managed to keep the glasses on her for the whole ride and she just kept watching intently as we played the game! I loved it!

After a snack at the baby center we headed to meet my Aunt Kasey and Tara for lunch for Tara's birthday at Tortilla Joe's. Isabelle was just done at this point--she was awfully hot and tired and just couldn't fall asleep :-( So finally I took her upstairs in the restaurant to feed her and she fell asleep in moments. Of course she only slept for 20 minutes, but at least she woke up as a happy baby! She played with Tara and Aunt Kasey and gave them lots of giggles and smiles, but she clearly needed another nap. So Herb and I took her back to the hotel for another bath time swim and a nap. The swim was just as much fun as the day before and she conked out pretty quickly. She took two 40 minute naps but was still a weary little girl, but she was awake so we headed back to the park to do a few more rides.

Isabelle added Pirates of the Caribbean to her ride list. Her favorite part of the ride was the waterfalls at the beginning after the drop! They probably reminded her of her bath tub ride :-) Then we headed over to It's a Small World and she was enthralled with all of the colors and characters. She kept looking from side to side trying to take it all in! I even caught her singing along once or twice! Two rides, however, was her fun limit for the evening, so I took her back to the hotel while Grandma and Dad rode a few more rides. We stopped for a churro on Main Street and Isabelle fell asleep. The cinnamon and sugar did sprinkle all over her like fairy dust and away we flew back to Never Never Land!

After I fed her and put her down, Grandma and I traded places and I joined Herb to watch World of Color. It really is a spectacular show, but my body and mind were SO weary at this point! I think Izzy and I were having parallel experiences, I just wasn't allowed to cry about mine ;-) Herb and I ate and shopped on Main Street and then headed back to the hotel about as exhausted as we could be!

The next morning Isabelle was still SUPER tired, but we loaded her in the car and took off. She slept off and on on the way home and thanks to Grandma she watched a few episodes of Friends to keep her company. When we got home Isabelle learned how incredibly wonderful it is to sleep in her own bed! She slept for 12 hours, only waking to eat once, and this tired Momma slept for 10 of those 12!

I can't really explain how amazing it was to take my sweet girl to experience my favorite place in the whole world. It was so incredibly redemptive of the many broken dreams and heartaches I experienced in the days and months after we lost Hope and Joseph. Watching Isabelle's face as she soaked up Main Street and the sights and sounds of Peter Pan and It's a Small World brought such joy to my heart! Even though I know she won't remember this experience, I will remember for her. I will share these memories with her and be able to retell these moments as we return back year after year.

As Isabelle and I walked back to the hotel alone on Saturday evening I told her how much I appreciated that she came to share Disneyland with me. I told her that this was just one of the many times we would venture here as a family and that I couldn't wait for each milestone that she would have here--the pure awe on her face when she first watches the fireworks, the first time she asks to ride Dumbo, the first time she meets a height requirement for a ride, the moment when she holds on to Herb's hand with trepidation as she climbs the stairs to ride Screamin' and the complete joy of victory written all over her face when she walks off. These will all be great moments in Isabelle's life and in mine. And this, this trip, is where it all began. I told Isabelle how I had been dreaming about these moments for so long, and how incredible it was to finally be blessed with the chance to hold my sweet girl as I walked through those gates. "Isabelle, this weekend was a dream come true for your Momma. I just wanted you to know that." I think she heard me, I think she was listening, and if not, I know God heard my words of praise and thanksgiving for the amazing gift He had given me. My God is a God of redemption, of dreaming dreams far greater than I can ever imagine. I am so grateful for the Granter of my dreams. Words can't really express how I feel, so I'll leave it to Julie Andrews. As she so wisely says at the end of my favorite fireworks show, "Remember Dreams Come True".

Isabelle Noelle

I have a few moments while Isabelle is napping (if you've been following me on Facebook you know what a great blessing that is in and of itself!) and I wanted to write a post. I have been wanting to write a blog entry since March 15th, but I've been a little busy with my inspiration :-)

On March 15th, 2011 at 8:30 am Isabelle Noelle was born and I know heaven rejoiced with Herb and me as we welcomed her into our lives. While there were tearful reminders of Hope's birth throughout the night, there were constant glimpses of God's redemption at every step. The same nurse who comforted me in Hope's death, rejoiced with me in Isabelle's life. Instead of an evil anesthesiologist who didn't care that I was in pain, I had an understanding doctor who talked about Disneyland with me. God was with me each and every moment and first thing that Tuesday morning Isabelle arrived in my arms.

I have lots of details about her birth, but I think those aren't as important as the wonderful details about her life that I've been collecting. Here are just a few highlights:

She's a skinny little thing who was hesitant to put on weight, but now she has quite the chubby thighs going on.

Isabelle is a girl who knows what she wants. If she's bored with a toy, she'll let you know and you must find a suitable replacement.

Izzy LOVES to watch the show Friends. When it is on she will stare at the TV intently. When commercials intervene she looks away and carries on a conversation with me. When the show returns she is back to being enthralled with Joey, Chandler, Monica and the gang!

She already loves to talk! She has several voices and loves to use them! Herb said yesterday that Izzy and Mommy will have lots of coffee dates in her life because that's how much she loves to chat :-)

Belle is a people person! Whenever there are other people around she wants to be awake, alert and aware of everything that is going on. When I brought her to school she couldn't get enough of my students! She will be quite the social butterfly!

She loves the wind, thank goodness we live in the wind tunnel known as Vail! Izzy will turn her head toward the breeze and let the wind wash over her.

Isabelle is one strong little girl! When we took her to the doctor a few weeks ago, she was quite upset with her check up so when the doctor tried to sit her forward Isabelle just stood right up! She's already rolling over from her tummy to her back and she loves to look around during tummy time. I'm afraid I'm going to be chasing her around the house before I know it!

Herb is in love with his little girl! I love watching him love on her. He waits as long as humanly possible to leave for work in the morning if it will mean a few snuggles with Izzy to get him through the day. He has already caved to her hypothetical request for a dog, and he told me he gets teary eyed thinking about taking Belle to Disneyland! I love the man I married and I am thrilled at the father he will be and is for Belle!

Isabelle Noelle is joy, and redemption and Hope! I can't express the ways she's transformed our life. I think she will be changing lives with every step she takes in this life and I am overwhelmingly blessed to be her Momma!

The Promised Child

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23

After writing my previous post on Saturday, the last few words of this verse echoed in my heart--"for He who promised is faithful." Those words continued to resonate in my mind as I went through my day to day all weekend. Sunday night at church they gained a new meaning to me.

I am not sure what the official title of the sermon was on Sunday, but I think it could've easily been called "The Promised Child". Our pastor spoke about the prophecy in Isaiah 11. He started with background of the sad state of affairs Israel was in. Isaiah was called to be a prophet who bore terrible news about the current heart of Israel--the kings they had so desperately pleaded with God for were selfish and power-seeking and had led their nation astray. The people themselves continued the pattern of old, turning from God and turning to idols or other men to lead them. Isaiah was called by God to deliver the tough truth to the Israelites, to point them back toward God. So when Isaiah speaks of the "shoot" that will "spring up from the root of Jesse", he speaks of deliverance to a nation in desperate need of hope.

Isaiah 11 continues on to prophesy the many ways Jesus will offer healing to His people. He will be led by the spirit, He will delight in fear of the Lord, He will see beyond what is seen with His eyes. He will defeat the wicked. He will be clothed in righteousness and faithfulness. He will bring peace. And then verse 6 arrives: "and a little child will lead them". Isaiah is promising deliverance, He is promising hope, He is promising salvation and all of these promises will come through a child.

The pastor then went on to describe the 700 years between this prophecy and the day Jesus was born. Those 700 years were bleak and oftentimes the people of Israel were without any new word from God. They were called to wait, to wait watching for the Promised Child. I just think of how many generations passed with no visible word or sign from God. They looked for signs of who He had promised but they weren't able to find any. They were asked to believe that "He who promised is faithful" because they had seen just that over and over again in their nation's history. They were asked to put faith in the character of God as so clearly demonstrated in the past, not in the seeming absence of God as perceived by the events of the present. Was God absent? Of course not! But the promise was seemingly absent and I can imagine that it would have been diffcult to not feel hopeless in those moments, no, eras, of waiting.

But then, oh then, Jesus arrived in Bethlehem! The Promised Child had come to fulfill each piece of Isaiah's prophecy! After 700 years of waiting, Jesus arrived, the Prince of Peace was here! Rejoice! "Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace among men with whom He is pleased!" The promise was so gloriously, so miraculously fulfilled! He who promised was indeed faithful!

The pastor closed by discussing the importance of the darkness, the 700 years of waiting, in knowing the true hope that was born that day in Bethlehem. What if the Israelites weren't living in captivity? What if the Israelites were thriving and growing with the Lord? Would the need for a savior, for the Promised Child, have been so great? Would the joy of the birth of our Redeemer have been as powerful? What need do we have for Hope--for the anticipation of what is unseen and yet to come--if what we have is perfection? Where is the need for Hope if our life is full of light? It is only in the absence of light, in the anguish of this world, that we know how much we need the Promised Child.

I have drawn many parallels between my life and this sermon over the past few days. Not that Isabelle's birth will ever rival that of Jesus, but she is a promised child. I believed for many years that God had called me to be a mother. I knew this was part of His design for me, and after we lost Hope I began to question that calling. I think about the darkness I wandered in after losing Hope, I think about the captivity that was doubt, I think about the deep reassurance I had that He who promised was faithful. Some days I just had those words--God is faithful--but no more than that. I was asked by God to wait 8 months for fulfillment of His promise, and I am choosing not to dwell on the poor job I did of that when the Israelites were asked to wait 700 years.

Instead I'm choosing to focus on how much joy this promised child is bringing me. I think the anticipation of the arrival of Isablle has opened my eyes to even a glimpse of the anticipation that must have been felt by the Israelites 2000 years ago. The Promised Child brought light into the darkness, redeemed the anguish experienced in the waiting, resonated the faithfulness of the Father. Isabelle certainly resonates the faithfulness of the Father in my life!

So this Christmas season I sing with new understanding of how precious the gift of Jesus was on that night in Bethlehem 2000 years ago. I am so grateful for the promises God fulfills. And yet again, I rejoice and profess my Hope without wavering that "He who promised is faithful."

God's Promise

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23

I think this is one of my new favorite verses! For the last year I have confessed, professed, my Hope in Jesus. My daughter's name was no accident--Hope was named to remind me of the great Hope I have in my heavenly Father. Hope's name proclaimed a virtue I most adamantly hold to and believe in. Hope testified to the great anticipation I have in knowing Jesus, that someday I will meet my Father and someday I will again hold my precious daughter. And I can hold to this hope because "He who promised is faithful."

Herb and I have been asked often what our little girl's name will be. Herb wanted to hold out on sharing her name but has since changed his mind. In his desire to be silent, I would often tell others that I could not share her name, but that I would say her name means "God's promise". Of course, Google being the powerhouse that it is, people would then email me their guesses. I could never confirm or deny, but often they guessed incorrectly.

I am happy to get to share her name with others because it holds to me just as much meaning as Hope's does. Forever this little girl will be a reminder that "He who promised is faithful." She is a fulfillment of God's promised joy amidst our anguishing sorrow. She is a fulfillment of God's promised Hope for the good He had in store. She is a fulfillment of a calling I believed with all my heart God had for Herb and I--to be parents. This little one embodies so many of God's promises and I love that her name reflects just that.

If you've read this far then you definitely deserve to know the name of our daughter. Coming in March we will be welcoming Isabelle Noelle to our little family! She will be a delight and a light to all who know her, and I can't wait to meet her!