Hold Me Now

Here I am again after reading Having A Mary Heart in a Martha World.  New day, new insight. Today's reading centered around Mary's extravagant love, the manner in which she tended to Jesus' heart right before he was arrested.  The day she broke the alabaster jar full of perfume and anointed the Lord's feet.  The day she gave her best to honor and comfort her Savior.  I love the song by Jennifer Knapp "Hold Me Now" which references this beautiful scene.  "She is strong enough to stand in Your love, I can hear her say: I'm weak, I'm poor, I'm broken Lord but I'm Yours.  Hold me now."  Poignant and precious.

But to the passage from today.  As I read about Mary's extravagant love, I discovered that the same heart that offers such pure worship is the same heart that can find the deepest despair.   The passage reads: 

"From all appearances, Mary seems to have been contemplative by nature.  And while spiritual intuitiveness made her a wonderful worshipper, it also made her susceptible to despair.  Instead of running to meet Jesus after Lazarus died, if you remember, she remained in the house.  Downcast and alone amid the crowd of friends, she had sunk deeper and deeper into her grief, and even the news of Jesus' coming had not been able to lift her sorrow.

But--thank God!--Jesus meets us where we are.  He comes into those dark, hidden corners of our lives and, if we're willing, he shines the sweet spotlight of heaven, his precious Holy Spirit. If we allow him, he offers to clean our our personalities, tempering them through the Holy Spirit so we won't fall to the strong sides of our weaknesses and the weak sides of our strengths.

And that, as far as we can tell, is what happened to Mary.  Even though she sensed, with her keen intuitiveness, the graveness of her Lord's situation, this time she did not collapse.  Instead of just sitting  passively and listening to the Savior, instead of being overwhelmed by grief, this time Mary responded.  She gave herself in worship to the One who had given so much to her and her family."

There's a lot here, but the most powerful piece to me is that it is the same heart the one that feels love so deeply and the one that so deeply grieves.  It is sometimes our most beautiful attributes that can make us weak.  It is the most precious gifts from God that can easily be corrupted.  But that's why God meets us where we are and fills in those gaps.  He, as Jennifer Knapp so gracefully puts it, holds us NOW.

Specifics

So I was reading this great book this morning (notice how many of my blogs begin this way! Reading truly is enlightening and thought-provoking! We should do it more often...I digress) called Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World.  This week's chapter is about being teachable, a topic I always need to be reminded of because it is essential for continual growth.  As I read I stumbled upon this sentence:

"We are quick to admit we are not perfect as long as no one points out specifics."

Woa!  Hold it right there!  Talk about truth wrapped in a nice, concise package!  I was humbled by this sentence because images and situations flew to my mind immediately.  Conversations where I willingly say, "I'm know I'm not perfect."  I'm even willing to point out some specifics that I have personally come up with.  But the moment that someone else wants to reveal my specific imperfections, I slam on the brakes with my defensive and harsh response.  Echoes of "Well you just don't understand..." "that was a completely different situation..." "I was just under a lot of stress..." "Excuse, excuse, blah blah blah!"  Why am I so afraid of specifics?

I'll tell you why: it's okay to be imperfect because everyone has the same common flaw.  But the moment we get into specifics, it becomes about me and my failings.  My imperfections in what I offer this world, and that gets a little too personal.  What I really think it boils down to is shame.  This world, or maybe the church, has taught us to be ashamed of our specific failings or sins.  There's a certain condemnation that goes along with specific shortcomings.  But I think that's really unfortunate.  I think we are doing this world a disservice.

Think about it...if we took away the stigma of the specifics and looked at them as opportunities for growth, how different would our interactions be?  But part of that comes in the approach.  If we're pointing out specific shortcomings to be hurtful then the response is going to be shame. If we're pointing out specific shortcomings as opportunities for growth, then there's love and support to grow and change.

I think I've digressed again.  But needless to say, I'm going to try and be less afraid of specifics.  I'm going to try to embrace my specific imperfections as opportunities to grow and not as reasons to be ashamed.  That doesn't mean the specifics won't hurt, but it does mean that I'll try to remember that growth hurts.  The pain will be a symptom of my ever-changing heart, which will bear testimony of my growth toward God.  And that's a specific I can really get behind.

Surprises

I LOVE surprises but I rarely get them because I'm awfully analytical and intuitive of the people around me. It's sad to say that even my proposal wasn't a surprise. Herb got all "funny" when I mentioned going to CA for my birthday and then ran out to run an errand almost immediately. First clue. Second clue, I knew how much he knew I loved the beach. Perfect locale, perfect timing. Needless to say, I ruined it. I am difficult to surprise, which I kind of despise about myself.

So you can imagine how I jump for joy when this morning I woke to find beautiful flowers on my table and a little Winnie the Pooh pin that said "Be Mine"! Herb managed to surprise me! Which makes him just that much more awesome! Apparently he's getting better as the years stretch on about keeping things from me (wink wink), or I'm just getting more clueless. Either way, thank you my love for the beautiful surprise! It took my breath away! I love you and I love surprises!

Bare Minimum

I think I have a problem. This week I am sick (yet again...or maybe still, not sure which.) So yesterday I decided that it was necessary to do the "bare minimum" to keep life afloat. This is in effort to improve my health and get some rest. But again I repeat, I have a problem.

Apparently my definition of the "bare minimum" includes: teaching full blown classes (not limiting my word count at all), reading aloud for a good thirty minutes during advisor base, coaching one of our newer teachers, dealing with a parent/student issue, grading at school until 5:30, coming home to make dinners and lunches, doing my normal Tuesday night cleaning routine, filling out 7 Valentine's Day cards, grading more until Herb came home, doing the dishes AND THEN heading for bed.

Does anyone see anything wrong with my definition of "bare minimum"? I fought with myself about this on the drive home yesterday. Should I still clean? Should I still make dinner? And my answers were resounding yeses because, if I don't do it now, when will it get done? It's not like my world stops spinning and I can just play catch up at some point. Nope, the assignments keep rolling in, people continue to frequent my house, and we still have to eat. So apparently I believe the "bare minimum" means everything that will pile up in my absence. Thus, I did everything that I would normally do yesterday. And I called this the "bare minimum".

I think this is a real problem. I can't talk myself into stopping to take care of myself or my health. Instead, I talk myself into keeping all of my balls in the air. Why can't I just let one drop? Why can't I just set all the balls down and pick them up when I feel better? I don't know! I just can't do it!

Needless to say I'm pretty sure I have a problem, and I'm pretty sure it starts with redefining my idea of the "bare minimum". What do you think?

The Underdog

I am torn about writing this blog right now because I'm at an intriguing part in the book I'm reading, and I only have a few minutes for one or the other. I guess I'll choose my writing vice for the time being. :-)

Last night's Super bowl was SO enjoyable to watch! Not only was it a great game full of all of the interesting plays one hopes for in a big game, but the Giants won! Herb is kind of annoyed that I am a semi-Giants fan because they are the football counterpart of the Yankees. But I argue that rooting for them is in no way like rooting for the Yankees; they only have three titles as compared to the gazillions of titles held by the wretched boys in blue. Anyway, I don't like the Giants because they're the Giants, I like them because I like Eli Manning. He's a genuinely nice guy whose suffered a bad rap for quite some time. He's an underdog and there's nothing I love more than rooting for the underdog.

The underdog is usually where I will place my favor if I don't have an allegiance one way or the other. I like rooting for the guy no one believes can finish the race. Whenever favorites are picked, I usually go the opposite way. Maybe it comes from being a fan of Arizona sports teams for so long; we're not usually the favorite but I cheer us on all the same. Or maybe it's because I've been an underdog many times in my life. But either way I'm about cheering for the guy few put faith in. And why not? He needs someone in his corner!

This was echoed a second way this weekend. I took some of our students to the Academic Decathlon competition in Marana. Not a person believed we were going to achieve much, including me. That didn't stop me from hoping. I coached them and encouraged them, I pushed them and prodded them. And in the end, we left with three trophies! One for the most improved team, and two individual trophies! How cool is that?!

As I was just typing that last paragraph, it came to me, why I root for the underdog. The answer is hope. I love to have hope, and rooting for the team less touted, rooting for the guy less equipped, rooting for the weaker vessel affords the opportunity for hope. This must be how Jesus feels about us; constantly cheering on the underdog. As we know from scripture, he doesn't choose the smartest, most powerful men to lead his people. He chooses the underdog. So maybe that's it too. Maybe my cheers for the underdog echo Christ in me. How cool!

Suffice it to say, I'm very excited for the Giants and for Eli Manning. May we all try to go out there and do what others believe we can't! How much greater a triumph it will be when we overcome all odds and nay sayers!

Someone Agrees With Me?!?

My mom sent me this article in specific reference to my Peter Pan post. I can't believe I had a similar insight to someone published, but I am totally jazzed to know that I'm not the only one in this world worrying about our men. Check it out, it's well-written and really quite interesting! :-) Thanks Mom!

Click here for the article.