Oh the Joy!

Your long lost writer has returned.  I feel like I've been living in a hole for the last...9 weeks, no maybe 9 months...of my life.  I realized today that I hadn't read most of my friend's blogs in over a month.  I am sorry for being remiss, for really not being a very good friend these past weeks.  It inevitably happens each year at this time, but this year I attribute it to my focus on being a good daughter, a good wife and a good teacher.  (To be fair, most years I attribute it to being a good teacher, but this year I faced new challenges in preparing kids for the AP exam and sending seniors off into the world.  I digress, but I'm choosing to so I don't think it's bad form...I must say that sending seniors off into the world may be one of the coolest parts of my job.  I had such mixed emotions as I smiled and cried through their graduation.  It must be somewhat akin to what parents feel at this time.  It is such a privilege to have loved them and taught them for a time, and now I get to share each one of their gifts and talents with the world.  I find joy in realizing how much they have to offer this world and that enables me to let them go.  I must admit it was a bit reluctantly, but the love I had the privilege of showering on them for a time and the love they returned as we hugged after their ceremony made the letting go worthwhile. I really do have one of the coolest jobs in the whole entire world!)  You see, I've bunny trailed, but this has been my trail the last month or so and I thought I'd let you in for a while.

Ok, on to my other roles these past months.  I focused on being a loving daughter.  I'm sure lots of you know that I helped coordinate my mom's 50th birthday bash.  It was great fun, and such an amazing joy to watch her smiles, laughter and tears as she shared her special day with friends, family and her favorite locale, the beach.  I just happened to choose a beach that was filled with sand dollars, one of my mom's favorite creations.  I would say that wasn't happen stance, that was God's orchestration through and through.  It also provided me with a precious parting gift for my seniors.  It was such a life-blessing weekend for all of us, something much worth pouring my time and love into.

I think my most important role these past months has been as Herb's wife.  We've struggled and endured much in these last months of law school.  I could belabor the details of late nights and tired frustrations, but those seem unimportant in light of last weekend.  There are no words for what either of us felt or experienced as Herb put on his doctoral cap, gown and hood and walked across that stage at U of A's Centennial Hall.  What pure joy erupted from such trials!  How worthwhile the heartache and pain!  How blessed we each were to share it with those we love and who have loved us along the way!  There were many tears, but each joyous one shed equaled and echoed those cried in the past.  Our God is good.  He would still be good had Herb not walked across that stage by His faithfulness in carrying Herb and I through, no matter the outcome.  But He did complete a good work in Herb, and what a gift!

It is amazing to me how I can walk out of such wearying and trying circumstances and proclaim "Oh the Joy!" but perhaps that is the amazing work of the Lord.  This is what He means when He challenges us to "consider it pure joy."  I have found Jesus to be more profoundly real to me in these last months than maybe in my whole life thus far.  The deeper, more troubling my circumstances the more He challenged me to draw near to Him, to become more like Him. And while I am desperately longing for a reprieve, part of me still seeks that intimacy that comes from heartache and suffering.  Am I asking for those right at this moment?  Not particularly. Will I shrink away from them if presented?  I don't think I can, not after knowing how beautiful it is to dwell in the presence of God daily.  Do we need trials to dwell in His presence?  No, definitely not.  But He uses our circumstances to more firmly shape our visions and understandings of His character, both good and bad.  And He will continue to shape my vision through every circumstance.  I want to, I need to remember that when the next trial comes along, because it will shape my vision.  I need to remember that He is calling me to this prayer:

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.

Thou my best thought, by day or by night

Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;

I ever with Thee and Thy with me Lord;

Thou my Great Father, and I Thy true son

Thou in me dwelling and I with Thee one.

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise

Thou mine inheritance, now and always

Thou and Thou only first in my heart

High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won

May I reach Heaven's joy, O bright Heaven's Son,

Heart of my own heart whatever befall

Still be my vision O Ruler of all!

Pray Your Tears

The past two weeks I have been "weepy," to say the least.  Everything has triggered tears, and I have attributed it to being weary and unable to cope.  That might be part of it.  There have been tough things to swallow.  I've been grieving my Aunt Kelly lots lately.  We're coming up on the one year anniversary of her loss, and it almost seems overwhelming.  I miss her much in this hour of rejoicing for Herb because this is the sort of thing she thrived at.  She did such an amazing job of celebrating others, and I know celebrating Herb this year would be no exception.  I'm missing her so much it hurts, and I'm crying many tears.  

Sometimes tears make me feel weak.  Sometimes tears make me feel like a failure.  Sometimes I remember that they are there for a reason.  Sometimes I remember that vulnerability is an aspect of the beauty of Christ.  But this sermon changed my perspective on tears.  It calls upon the Psalms of David to remind us or to reinforce the purpose of tears.  If you have thirty minutes, or even maybe as a quiet time, listen.  I think it will transform you as it did me. Hopefully I will find a way to pray my tears more often.  (Click on the title of the blog to be redirected to the link). 

Access

Apparently I'm going to operate in quotes for a while.  My brain is too overloaded to think of anything original. :-)  Anyway, this quote doesn't reiterate something entirely new, but it says an old truth that I value in a new way.  

"But no matter the core event that created your fault line, please hear this wonderful, incredible, life-changing good news: No matter what we've done or what's been done to us, no matter how deep our wounds or how damaged our spirits, we have a mighty God who is able to redeem our darkest moments and deepest fears.  A loving Father who promises to keep watch at our points of vulnerability, to strengthen us where we're weak, to correct the lies that have led us astray, and to heal the rifts in our souls.

But only if we give Him access."

Joanna Weaver Having a Mary Spirit

As I read this quote I was thinking "Yes, yes, yes! Thank you Jesus! Oh...am I? Am I giving you access?"  Giving Him access requires a level of vulnerability not usually linked with a wounded spirit, which is what makes it such a powerful act of faith.  I want to have that much faith because I want all of those things promised in the paragraph above.  It's worth it to give Jesus an all-access pass, now I just need to do it.

The Power of Friendship

I don't have time to write much in these weeks (they always run me over like a mac truck, this year is no exception!)  But the very wise and wonderful friend of my mom's, Vanessa who posted that insightful quote on my last blog, sent this new quote to my mom.  I had to share because as a woman I have always longed for intimate friendships for various reasons, yet I've never quite been able to put words to my need.  This quote sums it up almost perfectly:

"Biblically, tenderness is what follows when someone reveals to you your own inner beauty, when you discover your belovedness, when you experience that you are deeply and sincerely liked by someone.  If you communicate to me that you really like me, not just love me as a sister in Christ, that you take delight in me, then you open up to me the possibility of liking myself.  The look of amiable regard in your eyes banishes my fears, and my defense mechanisms (such as insulation, name-dropping, and giving the impression that I've got it all together) disappear into the nothingness of my non-attention to them.  Your warmth withers my self-disdain and allows the possibility of self-esteem.  I drop my mask of pretentious piety, stop impersonating Mother Teresa, quit disguising my sanctimonious voice, start to smile at my frailty, and dare to become more open, sincere, vulnerable, and affectionate with you than I would ever dream of being if I thought you didn't like me.  In short, what happens is I grow tender. (Brennan Manning, The Wisdom of Tenderness)

Thank you to all of those people in my life who allow me to grow tender.  It is a precious and priceless gift, one I could not live without.