Oh the Joy!

Your long lost writer has returned.  I feel like I've been living in a hole for the last...9 weeks, no maybe 9 months...of my life.  I realized today that I hadn't read most of my friend's blogs in over a month.  I am sorry for being remiss, for really not being a very good friend these past weeks.  It inevitably happens each year at this time, but this year I attribute it to my focus on being a good daughter, a good wife and a good teacher.  (To be fair, most years I attribute it to being a good teacher, but this year I faced new challenges in preparing kids for the AP exam and sending seniors off into the world.  I digress, but I'm choosing to so I don't think it's bad form...I must say that sending seniors off into the world may be one of the coolest parts of my job.  I had such mixed emotions as I smiled and cried through their graduation.  It must be somewhat akin to what parents feel at this time.  It is such a privilege to have loved them and taught them for a time, and now I get to share each one of their gifts and talents with the world.  I find joy in realizing how much they have to offer this world and that enables me to let them go.  I must admit it was a bit reluctantly, but the love I had the privilege of showering on them for a time and the love they returned as we hugged after their ceremony made the letting go worthwhile. I really do have one of the coolest jobs in the whole entire world!)  You see, I've bunny trailed, but this has been my trail the last month or so and I thought I'd let you in for a while.

Ok, on to my other roles these past months.  I focused on being a loving daughter.  I'm sure lots of you know that I helped coordinate my mom's 50th birthday bash.  It was great fun, and such an amazing joy to watch her smiles, laughter and tears as she shared her special day with friends, family and her favorite locale, the beach.  I just happened to choose a beach that was filled with sand dollars, one of my mom's favorite creations.  I would say that wasn't happen stance, that was God's orchestration through and through.  It also provided me with a precious parting gift for my seniors.  It was such a life-blessing weekend for all of us, something much worth pouring my time and love into.

I think my most important role these past months has been as Herb's wife.  We've struggled and endured much in these last months of law school.  I could belabor the details of late nights and tired frustrations, but those seem unimportant in light of last weekend.  There are no words for what either of us felt or experienced as Herb put on his doctoral cap, gown and hood and walked across that stage at U of A's Centennial Hall.  What pure joy erupted from such trials!  How worthwhile the heartache and pain!  How blessed we each were to share it with those we love and who have loved us along the way!  There were many tears, but each joyous one shed equaled and echoed those cried in the past.  Our God is good.  He would still be good had Herb not walked across that stage by His faithfulness in carrying Herb and I through, no matter the outcome.  But He did complete a good work in Herb, and what a gift!

It is amazing to me how I can walk out of such wearying and trying circumstances and proclaim "Oh the Joy!" but perhaps that is the amazing work of the Lord.  This is what He means when He challenges us to "consider it pure joy."  I have found Jesus to be more profoundly real to me in these last months than maybe in my whole life thus far.  The deeper, more troubling my circumstances the more He challenged me to draw near to Him, to become more like Him. And while I am desperately longing for a reprieve, part of me still seeks that intimacy that comes from heartache and suffering.  Am I asking for those right at this moment?  Not particularly. Will I shrink away from them if presented?  I don't think I can, not after knowing how beautiful it is to dwell in the presence of God daily.  Do we need trials to dwell in His presence?  No, definitely not.  But He uses our circumstances to more firmly shape our visions and understandings of His character, both good and bad.  And He will continue to shape my vision through every circumstance.  I want to, I need to remember that when the next trial comes along, because it will shape my vision.  I need to remember that He is calling me to this prayer:

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.

Thou my best thought, by day or by night

Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;

I ever with Thee and Thy with me Lord;

Thou my Great Father, and I Thy true son

Thou in me dwelling and I with Thee one.

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise

Thou mine inheritance, now and always

Thou and Thou only first in my heart

High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won

May I reach Heaven's joy, O bright Heaven's Son,

Heart of my own heart whatever befall

Still be my vision O Ruler of all!