My risk

I know this is the long awaited posted. You each have been waiting with bated breath to see what risk I will take. What new adventure will God call me to? I fear many of you will be disappointed with this post, or with me, but this is what I've got so far.

I am currently sitting in a dorm room in San Diego, CA. I've just dropped Herb at the airport and I'm settling in to my room. I am here for an AP conference, alone. This is risky for me. As I have been known to say, "I don't do alone well." And it's true. I cease to be brave once I've lost my amigos. There is something comforting to me in the presence of another human being I know well. I can brave the LA freeways, if Melinda's sitting in the passenger seat. I can navigate a new campus and a new system, if my mom is there or a phone call away. I can try new adventures, experience new places, if Herb is by my side. But ask me to navigate a major freeway alone, explore a campus I'm unfamiliar with (and make it places on time), and experience new places by myself and I am at a loss. I don't really like big freeways or daunting driving anyway, but going it alone is just fearful for me.

I've been thinking about this all weekend. Wondering why I can't be brave. Why do I fear major city driving? Why am I afraid to navigate in new places by myself? Why, at 25 years of age, do I feel at a loss when traveling solo? Honestly, it makes me feel like a coward. It makes me wonder how I can ever be a mom. If I take my kids somewhere and I'm in charge of driving and navigating, I'd better not freak out. If they are yelling in the backseat, I'd better stay level headed enough to keep it together. Yet I don't feel like I'm there. I feel like a big chicken. And I began to feel the anxiety of being alone four hours before Herb even left me. I began worrying about how I'd make it back from the airport and figure out my situation. What a scaredy-cat!

Which is why I am writing you now. As I left Herb at the airport, tears trickling down my cheeks, I made a decision. This is my risk. I am going to take it one risk at a time. I got in my car and drove myself safely back to the dorm, merging and changing lanes on a major CA highway! I got to my room and I set up my things, preparing myself for the day tomorrow. I spoke to the front desk and negotiated my computer into accessing the internet. Small victories, small risks, but mine none the less. I did these things by myself. I didn't call my mom and consult how to solve the problem. I didn't have Herb talk to me the whole way back to the dorm via cell phone. I did it. Unaccompanied. And tomorrow, I'll set my alarm clock, get ready, find the dining hall and my class on time. I can do this. I can. This is my risk, to trust myself to be alone.

And I can do this because I am not alone. I invited God into the passenger seat of the car with me. He'll sleep in the bed next to me tonight. He'll sit on the couch with me while I read my book. I am not alone, and I need to learn that. I need to learn that facing fears means embracing trust. And I know only one person who I can place complete trust in. It is going to be okay because I am not alone!

And now, I have to make a confession, not only am I not alone right now, but I am not going to be alone in 24 hours either. Melinda will be joining me tomorrow. You're laughing right now, aren't you? Be honest, I can hear it in my head. "You're kidding me, right Katie? All this talk about taking risks and being alone, and it's only for 24 measly hours?! You can't be serious! Buck it up and take it!" You're right, it is ridiculous that a girl of 25 has to pep talk herself into being alone. But as I've said, I don't do alone well. So this is my chance, be it small, to practice being alone. There is no loss is small victories, and this will be one of mine. I will practice and I will try and I will risk. Not without fear, but I am going to do it. Not just today, and not just tomorrow, but I am going to practice being alone, doing things by myself. Pray for me because for me it is a risk, and it can only be entered into with great love and compassion from others and from God. Here I go...I'll keep you posted.