Self Actualization

Recently in Bible study we've been watching a video series called "The Truth Project". This series is designed to challenge the Christian world view and hold it against the Biblical view of the world. The idea of the series is to allow us to question how much of the world we've allowed into our faith and to realign our beliefs with what is really true. If the series sounds confusing and difficult then I've accurately portrayed it.

I've been catching up on the series and today I watched the video entitled "Who is man?" This particular class called into question more of what I have accepted than any other thus far. It's interesting because I absolutely believe the tenets that he communicates as true about man: 1) Man is dual nature (sinful and Spirit-filled) 2) Man is fallen 3) Man needs to be redeemed. Check, check, check. All truths that I accept to be true. But then he discussed the world's view of man, partially through the lens of Abraham Maslow and his hierarchy of needs.

The hierarchy of needs is a much discussed and believed principle in education. The idea behind the hierarchy is that in order to educate man's mind, one must first tend to his more basic needs (food, rest, shelter). I still don't disagree with this idea, but what the teacher did call into question is the final rung of the hierarchy: self-actualization. The philosophy is that to achieve the highest stage in life one will fulfill and act on all of their wants, needs and desires. When we studied this in college, this made sense, the idea that we've gotten far enough to not let anything hold us back from what we want to be doing. And I even "Christian-ized" it: when we got to the highest stage in life we could follow what God wants us to do without questioning. Sounds good and I managed to combine my two worlds.

What I didn't know, that I learned from this series, is that Maslow was a humanist, a group who believes man is inherently good and that evil does not come from him. So when he is referring to self-actualization, the humanist's interpretation would say that it's man's ultimate state of being to serve his own needs and to do whatever he wants to make him happy. This idea of self-actualization is seemingly the foundation of American perspective. We work hard to get what we want to make us happy; we will cheat, steal and slander to get the job we want to make us happy; we will bulldoze over the feelings of others to make ourselves feel more self-important and make us happy. But truly this idea flies in the face of what God tells us about ourselves.

Our purpose is not to make ourselves happy, but it is instead to glorify God in word, action and deed. If we live our lives according to God's will, we won't be living for ourselves at all but rather we'll be living to serve others and God. It is SO not about us because if we did what we want all of the time, if we were self-actualized, then sin would run rampant and so much evil would pervade the world. Don't we see the fruits of that already? We are plagued with poverty and hunger because those who have want more. We lose new life to abortion because women don't want to have a child. It is not about our wants, our desires, because not only are those selfish, they are a reflection of our fallen selves, not our redeemed selves.

Our fallen selves, our flesh, are in opposition to our redeemed selves, our spirit. This conflict is depicted in Galatians 5, and this passage speaks directly against self-actualization.
"But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please." (v. 16-17)
The first thing I notice is that the word desire is not coupled with Spirit, only with flesh, indicating that our wants are drawn from our fallen selves. Secondly these two forces are opposed to each other so that we may not do the things that we please. God provided us with our redeemed spirit so that we might not be self-actualized. Self-actualization is easy, it's natural to us, whereas being redeemed is hard work, we must go against our fallen instincts and desires.

We already knew that we live in a society opposed to Truth. It is apparent in how people speak about Christians and God. But it is easy to forget to be mindful of the subtle ways our society opposes truth. It is not necessarily in the blatant confrontations that we could be in danger, but rather in the subversive, quiet messages delivered to us as truth, that it is easy to be taken in.

I am not at all saying I wish I had not sat in the classroom, that I wish I had abstained from the experience of learning about Maslow and his hierarchy, or that I even disagree with all aspects of it, but rather I am saying that I need to be aware and vigilant. I need to hold learned truths against the Truth. I need to know the Truth so that I can do that. I need to be Truth-actualized so that I can act on the tenets of Truth rather than the desires of self.

Simple yet profound

Lately I've been remembering how God speaks to us in paradox. So I shouldn't be surprised that lately He's showing me things that on the surface might be simple, but in truth can have a very profound effect on my life. In some ways I feel as if I'm learning the elementary ideas of faith. When my students get stuck I encourage them to go back to basics, to remember what their purpose is and what steps they need to achieve to get to that purpose. Maybe God is just asking me to do the same thing. I feel as if I'm speaking vaguely so let me be more concrete:

I sinned today: gossip, hurtful comments--sin that could hurt and effect others. It was a mistake, one I repented of, but sin nonetheless. I spent the next hour agonizing over the consequences of my sin. Who would it effect? How would it effect me? How could it change my life? I was praying over these questions in the car when it occurred to me that Jesus died not only to forgive my sins, but also to forgive the consequences of my sins. That was grace. He also can choose to alleviate the consequences of my sin or not based on what He desires for me to learn. That is His mercy.

I know it seems simplistic, this idea that God not only covers our sins but also the consequences of our sins, but it's something I had never really thought about before. The truth is that we are going to sin, by our nature we are imperfect. And there are consequences to sin, by sin's nature there are nasty ramifications. So Jesus did not just come to redeem us from our sin, but He also came to redeem us and heal us from the consequences of our sin. Simple yet true.

On my way home from dinner I was thinking about this idea more, and God took this simple idea and made it profound. I was convicted that my whole life, my whole rule-following, commandment-adhering life, has been designed around protecting myself from consequences. I have chosen to obey the guidelines God has set before me, not to honor Him and the sacrifice He made for me, but instead to protect myself. I have been self-seeking in my actions, hiding under the guise of piety. The motives of my heart have not been pure; instead of choosing to follow God by obeying His call on my life, I've chosen to obey God because experience has shown me that that is the more comfortable route, the safe route.

I do believe that God designed us this way, to dislike consequences, so that we will truly flee from sin. But I don't think He wanted us to hide behind rules. I don't think He gave us His word so that we could live a life of comfort, instead I think He intended His word to make us uncomfortable, convicted, life-changed. So perhaps my feeble attempts to feign perfection, or keep the consequences of my sin hidden or at bay, may be halting my uncomfortable, life-altering growth. Self-protection can't work when you are an imperfect human being. No matter how much I try, I'm going to screw up. And no matter how much I will them to disappear, consequences are the inevitable result of screw-ups. Thus instead of seeking God's guidelines, adhering to His commandments for my own sake, perhaps I should be doing it for the sake of His kingdom.

"Not to us, but to Your name be the glory."
Rule-following for the sake of self-protection is prideful, it is for my glory, my appearance and my comfort. Seeking to follow God's commandments so that others may know God and who He is, that is for His glory and it's what I should be all about.

This doesn't mean that we should go out and sin, looking for God to be glorified in the consequences. But what it does means is that when we do sin, we should repent and know that God can redeem even this. Because He's about His glory too, and even when we fall short, He stands tall. He is enough to fill in our gaps, to show Himself strong amidst our weakness. God can redeem the brokenness in us as well as in the others we hurt. He is a God who redeems; that is what the cross was all about.

I'm not exactly sure how this fits into my anxiety journey, maybe it doesn't. But I do know that God needs to be glorified and I need to do it. I need to stop exalting myself, trying to show others how good I can be, and instead I need to show others how good God can be. He will redeem my shortcomings, He will be glorified even in my broken, sin-ridden self. He needs me to be humble so that He might be glorified.

It seems so simple, obey God so that others may see and know Him. But the profound truth comes when we can see that there can be glory in the consequence, when we fail to obey--it just might not be our own.

Not enough

The book Captivating by Stasi Eldredge talks about how women struggle with two major lies about their identity: women feel like they are too much and not enough. While I can definitely point to moments in my life where each of those lies felt true, currently I am viewing life through the not enough lens...

I just read this article on anxiety and it suggests that one of the best ways to overcome anxiety is have self-determination and define things positively. The article suggests that when one is feeling anxious she should define herself as a problem solver and remember specific times of success in solving problems. The problem is: I'm having a hard time remembering any...

This is ridiculous, really, you should ridicule me, because my job is problem solving. I spend each and every class day solving problems, finding solutions, creating new routes around a problem, and yet...I can't see myself as that.

I don't feel like I have enough to fight the anxiety, I don't feel like I can do enough to fix my situation. Part of my anxiety is that I can't do enough to fight germs, or I can't do enough to make my classroom safe, or I can't do enough to protect myself from bad happening. And the truth is...I don't have enough.

I am not enough, but God is. Yet it seems to me that I'm also having a hard time believing God is enough. I know He's enough, but I'm not believing He's enough. In other words, I am feeling like I don't have enough faith. More of the not enoughs...

So tonight my prayer is: "Lord, I believe. Help me in my unbelief. Help me to know that all of You is more than enough for all of me, for every thirst and every need, You satisfy me with Your love, and all I have of You is more than enough..."

Processing

So I've been thinking through this anxiety thing, just processing the thoughts and behaviors, trying to discover a source or possible solutions. Honestly if anxiety ridden thoughts are planning to consume my mind, I'm going to try to consume my mind with something else. This exact thought was what got me turned toward scripture last night. I was thinking that the only way to stop thinking about something is to think about something else altogether. Then I remembered that God even told us what to think about: "Whatever is true..." But that isn't a verse I've got down pat so I went looking for it in my Bible and lo and behold, guess what that verse follows! It follows two of my favorite verses about worrying and peace! The two are coupled; to help with worry, to bring peace He asks that we think on these things. WAY COOL! Look at how the whole passage reads out, it's like a love letter to my heart right now:

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!

Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:4-9

All of the ways to guard are hearts and minds, to generate peace, have to do with dwelling on Him and praising Him. Paul starts this passage with the command to rejoice, twice. And even a verse that I've known most of my adult life had a piece of thanksgiving I was missing. When worried we need to offer up our concerns in prayer WITH thanksgiving. There's a common trend here, praise and thanksgiving, focusing our minds on the good. These verses will be traveling with me everywhere for quite a while now.

Beyond these awesome verses I also realized something that seems simplistic but enlightened me a bit. I made a decision to take more risks in life, to stop living safely. Risks specifically equal fear in my world. So it would make much sense that after a risky life decision I would be experiencing more fear. As a woman who does not like consequences, it makes sense that fear of what might be would drive me further into worry. Simplistic, but where I am.

This will be a long healing process. Thanks for being a part of the process and the processing with me.

Full Disclosure

In effort to be authentic, to be honest, which I always try to be with you all, I have to admit that I fell hard after yesterday's post. Within the last 24 hours I've had several small attacks of panic and fear. I made food for Jon and Cara and then for Mika and Melinda and both times I grew more than a little concerned about the food I prepared. I worried that I didn't wash my hands enough, I worried that germs had somehow reached the food from the counter, I worried--bottom line.

How can I worry? I've just had this epiphany and yet I worry. Apparently I am willing to trust God but not myself. I believe He is bigger, He does have good in mind. But I'm imperfect and I'm not comfortable with what that might mean. I hate the part of me that is like this.

I hate that I wash my hands a million times. I hate that I overthink my actions. I hate that I feel uncomfortable in my once comfortable kitchen. I want me back. I want the me who believed that some germs were okay. I want the me that believed that not every surface had to be cleaned endlessly. I want the me that cooked for people as an expression of love, no worries attached. That me is gone right now and I miss her.

I do believe God will work in the midst of harsh circumstances, but I'm still trying to control and protect myself and others from ever getting there. And I don't know how to stop.

The good news is that this fear hasn't stopped me from doing what I love. I'm choosing to follow my heart despite my head. But it is causing worry and fear afterwards, preventing me from enjoying my time after the fact. This isn't abundant life and it's making me sad.

I have no easy solution here. I'm praying like crazy. I'm asking for God's strength and wisdom. I'm working hard to remember and believe that God is good. The problem with fighting battlefields in the mind is that they can be persistent and unobserved. They can be relenting without any acknowledgment from the outside world. But that's why I'm writing, that's why I talk about it. If it's aloud, if I say it, perhaps it has less power. At the very least if it's in the open others can pray. Not only that, I do not want to be ashamed, I want to be honest. I don't want to fight a silent battle; loneliness can only make it worse. So let's unite against sin, against pain, against struggle. Let us not be afraid to offer full disclosure. I'm going to disclose my heart, so that I may not be afraid. Don't be afraid to disclose yours too.

He is Good

The Question: "The real question is if all of those horrible things were to happen why can't you believe that God is good enough to take care of you and forgive you even then?"

How we got there: Last night I was explaining to Herb my irrational, erratic fears of late. Example, cooking food for others (something I love to do) is inspiring the fear of "what would happen if I cooked something improperly and they died as a result?" I posed this specific scenario to Herb last night, and he said "You're right that could happen" and then he posed the above question. My husband is a very wise man because that's exactly the right question, exactly the question I've been battling these lasts months. So I started praying over that question last night and...

Here's what happened: I began praying that God would help me believe what I know: that He is good no matter what. The generics were not enough to really convince me, so I began trying to think through specifics. I started to pray "If Herb and I were to lose our jobs, have no money and be homeless, You would still be good and You would still be there. If someone were to break into our house and physically hurt us both, you not only would be there in the midst, you would not leave our side as we tried to heal. If I were to somehow become responsible for hurting or killing someone (God please forbid it), You would still be good, You would still be there. I would still be forgiven." I continued to pray that God show me He is good, that He would help me in my unbelief of His goodness. Despite circumstances. Despite the world. Despite Satan's attempts to hurt, kill and destroy. Despite my own sinfulness. God is good.

While I have some control over my life, some control over my circumstances, God has ultimate control. God has ultimate authority. And no matter how hard I try, my control WILL NOT prevent horrible things befalling us. So if they will inevitably happen, if life will spin out of control, out of my control, then I have a choice. I can spend my time fearing what is to come, fearing the endless horrific possibilities, or I can trust. I can trust that I will never be alone. I can trust that the God of the whole universe who gave so much for me will still love me. I can trust that He does not change, He has been and always will be GOOD. Circumstance cannot change His faithfulness. And I can choose to not allow circumstance to change mine.

If I make my mind up ahead of time, decide that I am going to believe in the goodness of God no matter what, when circumstances befall us and trials shake my foundation, when it would be so easy to question and doubt, when it would be so hard to believe in His goodness, then I will not have a choice. I've already made the choice. It is not open to discussion because I've already decided. God is good, no matter what I am facing, so I should not fear or worry. Because no matter what happens I will not be abandoned. It may be awful and hard and I may feel like I'm drowning, but I won't be in that water alone.

The words of the Beaver in response to Lucy 's question of Aslan's safety in The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe echo in my mind: "He's not safe, but He's good." If I'm not expecting safety, but instead goodness, peace becomes easier. If I believe He is good I can cease striving and rest.

Here's the answer: I must believe God is good.

This is the blessing: Peace amidst circumstance.