Simple yet profound

Lately I've been remembering how God speaks to us in paradox. So I shouldn't be surprised that lately He's showing me things that on the surface might be simple, but in truth can have a very profound effect on my life. In some ways I feel as if I'm learning the elementary ideas of faith. When my students get stuck I encourage them to go back to basics, to remember what their purpose is and what steps they need to achieve to get to that purpose. Maybe God is just asking me to do the same thing. I feel as if I'm speaking vaguely so let me be more concrete:

I sinned today: gossip, hurtful comments--sin that could hurt and effect others. It was a mistake, one I repented of, but sin nonetheless. I spent the next hour agonizing over the consequences of my sin. Who would it effect? How would it effect me? How could it change my life? I was praying over these questions in the car when it occurred to me that Jesus died not only to forgive my sins, but also to forgive the consequences of my sins. That was grace. He also can choose to alleviate the consequences of my sin or not based on what He desires for me to learn. That is His mercy.

I know it seems simplistic, this idea that God not only covers our sins but also the consequences of our sins, but it's something I had never really thought about before. The truth is that we are going to sin, by our nature we are imperfect. And there are consequences to sin, by sin's nature there are nasty ramifications. So Jesus did not just come to redeem us from our sin, but He also came to redeem us and heal us from the consequences of our sin. Simple yet true.

On my way home from dinner I was thinking about this idea more, and God took this simple idea and made it profound. I was convicted that my whole life, my whole rule-following, commandment-adhering life, has been designed around protecting myself from consequences. I have chosen to obey the guidelines God has set before me, not to honor Him and the sacrifice He made for me, but instead to protect myself. I have been self-seeking in my actions, hiding under the guise of piety. The motives of my heart have not been pure; instead of choosing to follow God by obeying His call on my life, I've chosen to obey God because experience has shown me that that is the more comfortable route, the safe route.

I do believe that God designed us this way, to dislike consequences, so that we will truly flee from sin. But I don't think He wanted us to hide behind rules. I don't think He gave us His word so that we could live a life of comfort, instead I think He intended His word to make us uncomfortable, convicted, life-changed. So perhaps my feeble attempts to feign perfection, or keep the consequences of my sin hidden or at bay, may be halting my uncomfortable, life-altering growth. Self-protection can't work when you are an imperfect human being. No matter how much I try, I'm going to screw up. And no matter how much I will them to disappear, consequences are the inevitable result of screw-ups. Thus instead of seeking God's guidelines, adhering to His commandments for my own sake, perhaps I should be doing it for the sake of His kingdom.

"Not to us, but to Your name be the glory."
Rule-following for the sake of self-protection is prideful, it is for my glory, my appearance and my comfort. Seeking to follow God's commandments so that others may know God and who He is, that is for His glory and it's what I should be all about.

This doesn't mean that we should go out and sin, looking for God to be glorified in the consequences. But what it does means is that when we do sin, we should repent and know that God can redeem even this. Because He's about His glory too, and even when we fall short, He stands tall. He is enough to fill in our gaps, to show Himself strong amidst our weakness. God can redeem the brokenness in us as well as in the others we hurt. He is a God who redeems; that is what the cross was all about.

I'm not exactly sure how this fits into my anxiety journey, maybe it doesn't. But I do know that God needs to be glorified and I need to do it. I need to stop exalting myself, trying to show others how good I can be, and instead I need to show others how good God can be. He will redeem my shortcomings, He will be glorified even in my broken, sin-ridden self. He needs me to be humble so that He might be glorified.

It seems so simple, obey God so that others may see and know Him. But the profound truth comes when we can see that there can be glory in the consequence, when we fail to obey--it just might not be our own.