I know I haven't posted in a while, in fact I haven't posted since becoming pregnant. And now here I am posting after the loss of my little Hope at 18 weeks of pregnancy. I am not really as coherent with my thoughts as I'd like to be, but I did want to share this vision I had yesterday. It has been precious in holding my heart up these last 24 hours.
I was listening to a CD made for me, I call it For Hope, and one of the songs was talking about how she couldn't see God, but in actuality He had been standing beside her crying along with her. When I started to think on that, this image popped into my head:
I started to imagine God last Monday, watching me live through my day as usual, knowing what I was about to find out Monday afternoon. I imagine how grieved His heart was knowing the pain I was about to endure. I imagine Him wanting to rescue me from it, but knowing it was too late, everything had been set in motion. So He just sat, and watched me, and cried as I found out the most earth shattering news possible. He is my Daddy, just like I am Hope's Mommy and Herb is Hope's Daddy, and I know that more than anything in the world He wanted to ease our pain.
For some of you this image might not be comforting, but for me it reminds me of God's character. He is gentle, loving, and we are so very precious to Him. So when I am angry or when I am hurting or when I am lost or when I am hopeless, I try and remember God's gentle hand wiping away my tears as He weeps along with me.
Honesty
8 years ago
7 comments:
I admire your point of view. You're in my prayers :)
John 11:35
"Jesus wept."
The shortest verse in the bible, but a beautiful reminder that God knows our heart's pain, because He himself felt it. I read something about how Buddhists are taught to move towards their grief, rather than away from it...and in that we become softer, more compassionate people. I like thinking of pain that way. Not as a punishment or thing to overcome, but as a path to God's comfort and love...and our humanity.
Katie, this is such an amazing and uplifting reminder. I don't think I should have read it in class right now, as I ended up super teary eyed :) but I am just so glad you wrote this. God is an amazing God, but yes, he is also our Daddy. He cares about us through the good and the bad. I am glad this comforts you :) And I am still praying for you!
Amen, amen and amen!
Amen, amen and amen!
I am not sure how to post through my tears, not just at your vision, but also at the responses to your pain. I have always been so impressed with your strength and moved by your compassion. I struggled so much with God because of your loss, I just couldn't understand. I had guilt because I have two beautiful daughter that I did not plan. I had anger that two people as faithful as you guys could be dealt such a poor hand. I had hurt because I couldn't "fix" it which is the only way I know how to respond to things and also explains why I constantly feel like I am failing. When I spoke with you the other day about "The Shack" and how hard it was for me to get through it, yet how glad I was in the end. I thought maybe that the two horrific situations that have occurred recently (Shea's loss and yours) are the exact reason that I needed to hear that message. It is one of the biggest struggles that I have ALWAYS had with my faith, why? To see your strength reminds me that it is not my why to answer. That God will answer all our why's in his time. That all I can do is use the gifts that he has given me to the best of my ability and hope that others will see it as love. I love you Katie. I hurt for you and I am so proud of you.
What a beautiful image - Praise God for speaking to your heart in this way.
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