Musings of a grieving woman-part 2

-I hate getting dressed in the morning because none of my regular clothes fit and I don't want to wear pregnancy clothes. I usually end up in tears.

-I feel a lot of pressure, mostly from myself, to have a plan and know what I should be doing. The pressure doesn't help the already difficult decisions I have to face.

-I think often about the trying again process, and it leaves me with so many questions:

*Would I want a boy or a girl? I was so convinced Hope was a girl and I wanted that little girl so badly. What if I did have another girl? Would I feel like she was replacing Hope? What if I have a boy? Would I be sad to miss out on the experience of my little girl? I'm sure I will feel blessed with whatever child God's given me, but I still question...

*People say you make room in your heart for a second child, that your love grows to encompass them both. How does it work to make room in my heart for my second child when I don't even feel like I've had the full opportunity to be a mom of my first?

*How on earth would I survive if this happened again?

*How do I honor Hope while enjoying the process of having another child?

-This week is going to really suck. I'm grieving the loss of the week in which we were supposed to see our baby for the first time on sonogram. I'm grieving the loss of the opportunity to announce her gender to our family and friends. I'm grieving the excitement that Wednesday was to bring. I'm grieving that my family won't get to meet my little girl and rub my belly. I'm grieving this week...

-I was thinking about what a uniquely cool experience I will get to have when arriving in heaven. I will get to meet my baby in her glorified body and embrace her truly for the first time. Yet another piece of heaven to look toward eagerly. I can't wait Hope, I can't wait!

-During worship last night I was convicted that I can't make my grief and my Hope an idol in my life. Instead of becoming consumed, I need to focus more on God's hand in all of this, how He is working. Not exactly sure how to do that, but I'm trying...

-Last night at church our pastor encouraged us to thank God for the hard things in our lives. I wonder, do I have to get to the place where I can thank God for my miscarriage? For taking my Hope? I'm not sure if I can get to that place...I can absolutely thank Him for the things His doing around and through this, but I'm not sure I can thank Him for taking her away.

-The only way I can reconcile or be at peace with this situation is to believe that it is for God's glory. It is my only current comfort.

-I'm thankful for the deep reassurance God has placed in my heart of His existence and power and love and mercy and hope. Without them, I'm not sure I could walk through the bouts of silence and hurt.

-What will Disneyland be like for me this week? Will it still be the happiest place on earth? Will I still be able to find joy there? Or will I be unable to enjoy, unable to experience happiness? I hope I can enjoy, or is it rather that I hope I can allow myself to enjoy it.

-I'm looking forward to being with my family this week. For lack of a better way to put it, they are good at grieving and I will appreciate and take comfort in their grieving alongside of me.