Journaling

My counselor encouraged me to journal through my grief process, so I've started a hand-written journal. There is something therapeutic about hand-writing my thoughts, but I do love the authenticity of sharing my heart via blog. So I'm going to try and track my thoughts in both places. Below is my first journal entry. Thanks for sharing this journey with me.

I want to begin this journal describing who you were and what you meant to me.

Who you were started long before your conception. Your dad and I made a bet when we were first married that I wouldn't last six months without talking about my dreams of having children. Your dad underestimates my will and I won, but it was only because I didn't open my mouth when those dreams came to mind.

After that I did often talk about wanting children. I looked forward with great anticipation and longing to the day we would be Mom and Dad. There was much waiting attached to that dream--waiting on me to finish college, waiting on your dad to finish law school, waiting on a house, waiting on a job, waiting...

But the day we discovered we were pregnant our waiting had all been worthwhile. You were here, you were growing inside of me and you were on your way to meet us. I tried to contain my excitement, tried to hide how overjoyed that this moment had come. After all, we had no guarantee that you were a sure thing, at least not until we heard your precious heart beat.

So at first we told our most trusted family and friends. Grandma and Aunt Kevyn were just tickled pink to welcome you to our world, maybe I should say ticked blue because almost everyone was convinced you were a boy. Even your dad was certain you were a boy, but I knew differently. I knew you were a precious little girl, my little girl. I had always thought I wanted a boy but when I became pregnant with you the desires of my heart changed. I wanted my little girl, I wanted you. We were going to be a mother and daughter pair equal to my mom and me. I couldn't wait to watch you twirl and sing and hold my hand as you told me your stories, because I knew you'd be a great storyteller like your momma.

The more people we told, the more excited others grew in anticipation of you and the more my excitement grew. The day we heard your heart beat was a magical day. We went to see Dr. Riley with great anticipation in our hearts and we waited with baited breath as she searched for your tiny heart beat. And there it was! Confirmation that you were there and growing and ours! The look on your daddy's face was so tender--he was so excited that you were here! And that is when we decided to tell the world. We told everyone. It was impossible to contain excitement like that--the joy of you just overflowing from our hearts, our faces. You were to be our first born, our precious life-changing miracle. You were going to change everything, in the best way possible.

You meant fulfilling my life's dream, fulfilling my heart's desires. I was going to leave teaching to stay at home with you. Your arrival meant a new job description for me. Your arrival meant feeling less alone in so many ways. It meant I would finally know and understand the experience of carrying a child and being a mother--I would no longer be standing outside of the mother club looking in. Selfish I know, but it was one of the things you brought me.

Your arrival was and did rock my world. You meant a new walk in life. You meant a deeper understanding of God, of the sacrifice of His son. You meant new joys, new ways of looking at life. You meant new worries, new things to think about, new challenges. You meant HOPE, the anticipation of great things. You were your name long before we gave it to you. You embodied your name and lived up to it in so many ways.

I speak and write about you in the past tense but you are also present. Your presence bring Hope. I can see it as I talk about you, people are inspired, encouraged, enlightened, uplifted. You are a reminder of how beautiful life can be, how precious each life truly is. You are a reminder to be thankful for and love who we have. You are my Hope, you give me Hope and you remind me so often of the Hope found in my Jesus.

I think it's important to write about another precious aspect of who you were. You had Down's Syndrome and I hope you can see that this in no way defines you. It isn't what I think about or see when I imagine you, but it is a part of who you were. I'm not sure how it's possible because I loved you so very deeply in the first place but when I discovered this truth about you, I loved you all the more. Your Down's Syndrome would have been a challenge, yes, but it would've made you more beautiful with something so uniquely special to offer this world. I know that you had deep capacity for love and that would've been and was such a gift to my heart, and I can't even imagine the impact your love would've had on the world. I have no doubt that you are loving people to pieces up there in heaven. Almost every vision I have of you is of you running with open arms to hug someone, Jesus, me, Aunt Kelly and so I am certain of the love you are spreading around heaven.

My little one, I want you to know that you were my Hope and my dreams, you were what I longed for, you were my heart's desire. But my deepest desire when I think about it was that you know the Lord and now you have that so perfectly and immediately. So thank you for fulfilling my heart's desire. Thank you for bringing me joy, hope and anticipation, for being my first. And thank you for allowing us to meet you, hold you, cherish you, love you. It is a joy and an honor to be your mom. You gave me that title you know--Mom. Without you I wouldn't have that. But because of you I know the love of a mother for her child--it is a fierce love, one that I am grateful to know and grateful to have for you. And because of you, dear one, I more fiercely know and love my Savior. I more deeply understand His love, His grace, His mercy, His comfort. These are all gifts you've given me. You've abundantly blessed my life and for you I will be forever grateful. I will love you always, even as life passes on; you will be and are always in my heart.

I love you my Hope,
Mom