Grace and Mercy

Remember that old Newsboys song: "When you get what you don't deserve, it's a real good thing, a real good thing. When you don't get what you deserve, it's a real good thing, a real good thing"?

Last week was a practice in the art of grace and mercy for me. God was gracious and merciful to me, but even more than that I learned something about being "deserving." I like the American philosophy, it jives very well with my personality. If you work hard, you will reap the benefits. If you are patient and do the right thing, you will be rewarded. I think I've said before that I'm very driven by rewards. If I do something ahead of time, I'm rewarded with time off later. If I invest time in my relationships, I'm rewarded with strong friendships. For the most part I like my cause and effect statements, but I had a hard lesson in realizing that this isn't always how God works. The thing is when it comes to God, there's no entitlement. We don't "deserve" anything but the consequences of our sins. And by His grace, we don't get what we "deserve." My spirit is learning all of this the hard way these days. Let me explain with some examples from last week:

When we get what we don't deserve...that's how I feel about Obama being elected. I'm not sure that he deserves the title of President. I believe it is by the grace of the American people that he is where he is. I thought that my prayers for this election would be enough for me to "deserve" McCain as President. I thought that Aunt Kelly "deserved" a win for her "team" in honor of her memory. But that's not how it happened...hopefully the American public won't get what it "deserves" by electing Obama. God is sovereign after all.

When we get what we don't deserve...I was blessed with an amazing experience at Borders last Wednesday, one I didn't "deserve". Some of my students, current and former, along with staff, family and friends came to Borders to hear a brilliant man speak about the book Another Country. Not only did the speaker reveal the glorious history of this book (it was challenged by the President and reviewed by the FBI in 1962 when it was a national best seller--they deemed it of literary merit!), but he engaged the audience in a discussion of the novel. My students spoke with such confidence and poise about their thoughts on the characters, setting, plot, and symbolism; I have never been filled with such joy and so humbled by the students God graciously allows me to teach. I'm not sure I "deserved" that moment, but I was grateful for it nonetheless.

When we don't get what we deserve...we found out Thursday that we didn't get the house. After seven weeks of waiting and dreaming about our life in that house, we were told that the lender counter-offered with $35,000 more than the listing price that we placed as an offer. I am not sure what the logic was or how they thought we would pay that much more than we had originally planned, but I know that it left me brokenhearted. I feel defeated, disheartened and lost. As I was arguing with God last night (He is amazing because He lets me do just that), I told Him that I'd put Herb through law school, I'd waited to start my family, I'd worked in a job that was very demanding, I'd loved on the people around me, I'd served at church, I'd sought to grow as a believer, didn't I deserve this little piece of happiness? To which He calmly answered, No. This doesn't mean that He doesn't want good for me or that the plans He has for me aren't amazing, BUT those things won't come because I "deserve" them. I can't earn them. I can't stake claim to them because God gives and takes away according to His good plan, not because of the things I've done to earn them. That's a hard pill to swallow because it is so counter to my affinity for the American philosophy, but then again, I'm very thankful that he doesn't give me what I "deserve." Because the wages of sin is death and I'm pretty jazzed that I didn't get what I earned there. I can't have it both ways. I either get what I "deserve", what I've earned, or I don't. I don't "deserve" a house, but I believe that God will give me what I don't "deserve" in His own good time. I believe that's called hope.

Finally, when we get what we don't deserve...my momma loves me and gave me a little spending money to enjoy while in Disneyland this weekend. I'm not good at spending money on myself, it's an art I'm glad I haven't mastered. But I did well this weekend, I took the gift given to me and enjoyed it. Not only did we find joy at the happiest place on earth, but I left with some fun Christmas souvenirs. I bought myself , or rather Mom bought me, some Christmas serving platters for my Christmas goodies and a Christmas throw blanket for me to snuggle under during these next few cold months. These were blessings to me, things I didn't "deserve," but I was thankful for them nonetheless.

I've learned these past weeks that grace and mercy aren't cut and dry. They aren't as straightforward as the Newsboys touted. But that is the nature of God. He is complex and mysterious, gracious and merciful, beyond my human comprehension. I will not pretend to understand fully now, but I will consider myself blessed when He offers me what I don't "deserve."