Revisiting

I've been revisiting lately. I recently downloaded an old favorite album from iTunes: Amy Grant's The Collection. This CD was our family's first, and we played it on our Colorado road trip when I was in 5th or 6th grade in our first portable CD player. Old school, you get the picture. But it was wonderful to revisit some of my old favorite songs. Songs like Father's Eyes and All I Ever Have to Be inspire me to this day. I can still sing most of the words even though it has been years since I've heard them. My heart is revisiting the beauty and lyrics of these songs.

I have also been revisiting a topic from last summer: bravery and risk-taking. It has come to my attention yet again that I play life safe. I live within the walls set forth by rules and the restrictions laid out by fear of consequences. I think I've been falsely believing that I could protect myself from pain, from difficulty, from fill in the blank, if I lived guarded. But what I've been realizing of late is that if God has a direction for my life, if He wants to take me somewhere or teach me something, no amount of "self-protecting" will prevent God's work. If God wants to grow me and change me, hiding and holding myself back will not work. What's even more is that I might be preventing God from working by playing it safe.

It's time to stop living in fear and start taking some risks. I'm going to seek to follow God's leading even if it requires me to step outside of where I feel comfortable. I'm going to fly, which brings me back to Amy Grant. I came upon this song on The Collection album, and I think it's going to be my risk-taking theme song. So here's to revisiting an old idea, an old song, and even more, here's to flying!

I'm Gonna Fly
by Amy Grant
All my my friends are happy to stay
Here in this yard day after day
But something inside me has called me away
I don't understand but I know I can't stay

I'm gonna fly
No one knows where
But I'm gonna fly
I'm lighter than air

Cause I have felt for the first time
I can be myself
No more faces to hide behind
Just a smile and a dream that's mine
Even if I am the only one who wants to fly

I'm gonna fly
No one knows where
But I'm gonna fly
I soar thru the air

All of my life seems I've waited
For the time to start
Being the person inside of me
Unafraid of being me
No more faces to hide behind
Just a smile and a dream that's mine
Even if I'm the only one who wants to fly

If I had my life to live over again
I'd run bare foot, relax a bit more
And I'd talk to more children
And I'd learn how they laugh
And I'd teach them how I've learned to fly

I'm gonna fly
No one knows where
But I'm gonna fly
I'm lighter than air

I'm gonna fly
No one knows where
But I'm gonna fly
I soar thru the air

Cause all of my life seems I've waited
For the time to start
Being the person inside of me
Unafraid of being me
Even if I'm the only one who wants to fly...
I'm gonna fly

Expectation and Hope

In general I'm a hopeful person, meaning I wait expectantly for God to work in things to come. This is a good thing. But in general I'm also an expectant person, meaning that I have expectations of things and people, and they are usually high expectations. Herb and I talk about this all of the time because he has high expectations of media (movies, music, TV shows) whereas my high expectations tend to be of people around me.

One of the topics we've discussed in Bible study often this year is the danger of high expectations. High expectations of people will often lead to disappointment and thus bitterness because people are imperfect and bound to fall short. When we expect from others we are in relationship with we put ourselves out there, vulnerable and open to a let down. But I've been growing confused on this particular area of expectation.

I'm beginning to believe that it is not about eliminating high expectations, or our expectations of others. Based on the definition of hope God asks us to wait expectantly on Him. Now I know God is perfect and thus He will not disappoint (or at least in the heavenly sense He won't disappoint--on earth we may not be able to see what He's doing at the time), but I don't wonder if God wants us to wait expectantly on others as well.

God wants us to believe in the inherent good of others, to love them imperfections and all. So wouldn't it make sense that we should believe others will come through? Shouldn't we believe that although people have fallen short in the past, they may just pull it off this time? This kind of belief in others, while hopeful, still opens us up to disappointment. I propose the difference isn't so much in what we expect from others but rather in our response to them when they are unable to follow through: grace and mercy.

Think about it, God knowing all of our flaws and even all of our outcomes, still waits expectantly for us to do the right thing. He believes in our inherent goodness (as a result of our connection to Him) and trusts that it will win through. One of the many differences between God and us is His response to our failures. When He waits expectantly and we fall short, grace and mercy step in. He gives us room to try again and He relieves the pain and consequence of our failure. I propose that this is really what He wants from us; rather than self-protecting by lowering our expectations of others, He wants us to exercise mercy and grace in disappointment. I admit, the self-protection would be much easier, but since when is God calling us to easy? This "method" stretches us in asking us to hope, to love, to offer grace, to offer mercy--sounds like a growing experience to me.

Hope is hard because it requires us to believe when there might not be much of a chance or reason to believe. It opens us up for inordinate pain when things don't happen the way we expect. But I have to believe hope is better. It requires us to live life focused on what could be, on how God has the ability to work, on the endless possibilities within man. God is our living hope and I believe hope is the best way to allow Him to "live" in us.

Nightmares

My mom always says I should keep a dream journal and document the insanity that is my dreams. Last night/this morning is no exception. I woke up this morning to use the potty, which put me on bladder infection alert, always does, and thus I laid awake for about 30 minutes trying to shake fear and fall back asleep. The result of this experience was a nightmare. So here it is, dream journal entry number one:

I am watching TV with my mom and sister in the basement of some house (definitely not mine). In walks Dr. Epps from the TV show Numbers and Dr. Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds. They begin searching through the basement to analyze a cage-type work space that is full of bizarre papers with mathematical equations on them. After taking a few items "back to the lab" they leave us alone in the basement watching TV. Kevyn's fallen asleep and Mom has climbed the stairs to bed, and I'm all alone trying to watch the end of the show when a creepy man begins staring at me from the cage. He is saying something that I can't quite make out, so I try to wake Kevyn up. She rouses but doesn't see him. So she begins heading to bed and I begin running away.

I race to the bathroom looking for any possible defense against this monster, and I hear a running dialog, as if I am actually apart of the TV show. The narrator is explaining that this man has not yet decided if he wants to murder me, he is just considering the possibility. At this I begin to scramble harder to find a defense; I see myself throw deodorant and cough drops on the floor in search for the acetone. I think I can put a sprayer on it and spray his eyes until I get away. I throw the acetone in his eyes, he becomes agitated, and I flee. Apparently Reid and Epps have called the cops because sirens begin blaring and the man runs out the front door. But the sinister narrator calls out that this has started a new antagonizing serial killer and he'll be back tomorrow.

That morning at breakfast I try to explain to my mom, Kevyn and a few students who are there the terror over what might still be to come. They claim that it was just a dream, it couldn't have really happened that way, and they're sure I'm safe. As I pour OJ onto my cereal and we try to situate ourselves outside, I am not so convinced...

Scary huh? Hopefully he truly doesn't return tonight and has only stalked my dreams this once. I suppose only time and sleep will tell.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I say too much. I'm not very good at holding my tongue, knowing when to stop, understanding what is appropriate to say and what is inappropriate. This often gets me in trouble. I feel anxious that I've crossed a line. I feel ashamed that I've judged or insulted someone else. I worry about how it will affect those who've heard it and the ripple effect that will result. Sometimes I say too much...

Sometimes I feel lonely, like I'm the only one in the world trying to form relationships with others. I work at building bonds with others, but often feel like a failure. I've not asked the right questions or suggested the right activities. But more often than not, people are just involved in their own world, just like me. It's not personal, but sometimes I feel lonely...

Sometimes rules must be broken. I feel often like rules will be my sanctuary, if I follow the rules I will be safe. But what a lie! Rules are man's attempt to explain our infinitely unexplainable God. Man's rules will not protect me from the uncomfortable plan God has for my life. Sometimes God is calling me to break rules, sometimes He is asking me to push boundaries. In the realm of a vast God, sometimes rules must be broken...

Sometimes I can see how God is working, and what an amazing glimpse! He tweaks my heart one way or shifts a circumstance in a new direction and there it is, the smallest glimmer of His plan. These are the moments worth holding on to, these are the times I feel most at peace. Sometimes I see God how God is working...

Sometimes words just are not enough. This one is hard for me to admit, words shape my life experiences, they define the worlds I escape into, but sometimes words cannot hold the emotions bursting from my heart. Sometimes words fail to explain the love or joy someone brings to my life. Words can barely hold the hope God fills me with. And yet I still try, try to fit these feeble words around my heart. But sometimes words just are not enough...

How is it then that sometimes I say too much and sometimes words are not enough? How can it be both? I guess sometimes life is a paradox...

New quote to love...

"The assumption of spirituality is that always God is doing something before I know it. So the task is not to get God to do something I think needs to be done, but to become aware of what God is doing so that I can respond to it and participate and take delight in it." ~Eugene Peterson

May we respond to God's work, participate in His mission for us, and delight in the journey!

Spirit of Fear

Recently I have been plagued by an intense spirit of fear. Things that would normally not even phase me have popped up on my radar and consumed my thoughts, energy and time. It is horrible; plague is the right word for it. This fear has left me feeling drained and broken. The thing is: I know it is not from me, it is from Satan. I've been meditating on this verse:

2 Timothy 1:7: "For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

Notice it is a spirit of fear, and it is not from God. And I've decided that I'm not going to let it in any more. This spirit is preying on my thoughts, waiting for the right moment to place an untruth in my mind and then repeat it so that I may dwell. The incessant dwelling helps me to then believe the lie and thus fear develops.

Fear is not how I want to spend my time and energy. Fear is not how I want to live my life. Fear WILL stop me from doing things that God wants me to do.

I always feel like Satan attacks when he begins to fear my effectiveness or God's work through me most. So it is time for Satan to be afraid. I will not be paralyzed by fear. I will move forward. Fear will no longer be my prison! I'm asking you to help me pray 2 Tim. 1:7 and the following Jill Phillips song. I can't do this by myself, but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. So I will FEAR NOT, for God is with me!


Steel Bars by Jill Phillips
So this is how it feels at the rock bottom of despair
When the house I built comes crashing down
And this is how it feels when I know the man that I say I am
Is not the man that I am when no one's around
This is how it feels to come alive again
And start fighting back to gain control
And this is how it feels to let freedom in
And break these chains that enslave my soul

CHORUS:
I refuse to be locked up in here like a prison cell
Where all I ever get is a meal and four walls
I used to be just fine in here but not anymore
Gonna break through these steel bars

So tell me how it feels when the tables start to turn
And you find yourself at the losing end
Tell me how it feels, you're not welcome here
'Cause I'm tired of pain and I'm tired of sin

I won't let you win
I have no doubt
I don't want you in
So get out, get out

I refuse to be locked up in here like a prison cell
Where all I ever get is a meal and four walls
I used to be just fine in here but not anymore
Gonna break through these steel bars

All that can be shaken...

I think I've mentioned that I'm reading this new book called Out of Control and Loving It! which is definitely a challenging title, let alone dealing with the content in the book. But it is SO good in challenging me to truly give my life over to and trust God. Today's chapter was about how God shakes us to create a stronger foundation in Him. The exact quote was this: "If you are receiving your affirmation, love, self-worth, joy, strength, and acceptance from anywhere but God, He will shake it." I can't deny this passage was written for me, that is pretty much my life in a nutshell right now. I feel like this year has been one big earthquake! From the book incident, to the first house falling through, to the lack of job for Herb, to various challenges at school, I feel like God is trying to rouse me.

First of all, up until this year, school was a place where I felt confident and where I drew much of my self-worth. I am good at teaching, kids and admin like me; it felt good to be at school. But that isn't the identity God wanted for me. He didn't want me to think I can earn my worth or create love and admiration for myself. Rather He wanted to remind me that He is my self-worth, He is the reason I can so ably teach my students. He is my source of strength, my foundation.

I already wrote about how God took the first house from us to help me see that I didn't deserve the house, but that rather it was a blessing from Him. And now He is still asking Herb and I to trust He will provide for us amply with or without the blessing of a full-time job.

God is shaking us and I'm going to be honest, it's not comfortable. It's disconcerting and many times lonely, but He is drawing us to Him, no doubt. We are in prayer more, together and apart. We are in the word more, talking about how scripture is shaping us. We are challenging one another to be more forgiving and accepting of those around us. We are asking God to provide no matter what our financial or employable status is. I am trying to give God my classroom more and more, to make it less about me and more about His work. I want the firm foundation, and if that means shaking, well, so be it. Now God, just be merciful in the earthquake, let me feel Your loving arms around me. Let me know that You have a plan and believe it whole heartedly. Let me stand on Your solid ground as You shake away the sinking sand.