Full Disclosure

In effort to be authentic, to be honest, which I always try to be with you all, I have to admit that I fell hard after yesterday's post. Within the last 24 hours I've had several small attacks of panic and fear. I made food for Jon and Cara and then for Mika and Melinda and both times I grew more than a little concerned about the food I prepared. I worried that I didn't wash my hands enough, I worried that germs had somehow reached the food from the counter, I worried--bottom line.

How can I worry? I've just had this epiphany and yet I worry. Apparently I am willing to trust God but not myself. I believe He is bigger, He does have good in mind. But I'm imperfect and I'm not comfortable with what that might mean. I hate the part of me that is like this.

I hate that I wash my hands a million times. I hate that I overthink my actions. I hate that I feel uncomfortable in my once comfortable kitchen. I want me back. I want the me who believed that some germs were okay. I want the me that believed that not every surface had to be cleaned endlessly. I want the me that cooked for people as an expression of love, no worries attached. That me is gone right now and I miss her.

I do believe God will work in the midst of harsh circumstances, but I'm still trying to control and protect myself and others from ever getting there. And I don't know how to stop.

The good news is that this fear hasn't stopped me from doing what I love. I'm choosing to follow my heart despite my head. But it is causing worry and fear afterwards, preventing me from enjoying my time after the fact. This isn't abundant life and it's making me sad.

I have no easy solution here. I'm praying like crazy. I'm asking for God's strength and wisdom. I'm working hard to remember and believe that God is good. The problem with fighting battlefields in the mind is that they can be persistent and unobserved. They can be relenting without any acknowledgment from the outside world. But that's why I'm writing, that's why I talk about it. If it's aloud, if I say it, perhaps it has less power. At the very least if it's in the open others can pray. Not only that, I do not want to be ashamed, I want to be honest. I don't want to fight a silent battle; loneliness can only make it worse. So let's unite against sin, against pain, against struggle. Let us not be afraid to offer full disclosure. I'm going to disclose my heart, so that I may not be afraid. Don't be afraid to disclose yours too.