Who I Am

Last night I started a journey through old blog posts. I just felt compelled to read over my writing journey and see where God has led me. Through this, I'm sure God-prompted, process I found something magnificent that I had most definitely lost--me. In re-reading my thoughts, my words, my experiences, I was reminded of the hopeful, God-filled Katie that I once had been. I've been desperately grabbing at her with head knowledge and foolish and seemingly logical wisdom, instead of reaching for the core of who she is--her heart. And this walk through who I have been has pointed me back to the core of who God is--His heart. I've so forgotten the ways He has been faithful, the powerful ways that He has grown and changed me, the fulfilled promises in my life. I've been so consumed with the things that could be that I've forgotten to look at what once was.

This process left me with a greater peace than I've known in a long time. I remember now the beauty of the God I serve, and I remember the beauty of the Godly woman that is in me. I'm going to paste below the pieces of various blogs that have reminded me of poignant aspects of my character or God's that are so comforting and renewing to me. If you'd like to join in my journey feel free. It might be a long journey, but these words have been healing, all of them, so I want to give them the credit they deserve. This is who I am:

Hope-I am Hopeful
My Hope comes in the faith that the events of my life, of the lives of people around me, are with great purpose. Yes there's consequence to action, yes there's temptation and meddling by Satan, but more importantly there's Hope in what God will do in my life through this situation.

Love Actually-I am loving
This post is more of a prompting and reminder for me to be ever vigilant in watching for love. One moment can sustain a whole day, and it is a collection of these moments that sustain a lifetime. Our purpose on this earth is love actually, and I don't want to miss the opportunity to give or receive love.

My Logic-My reasons for teaching are powerful...
So is it time consuming to be a high school teacher? Yes. Do I feel worked to the bone and often unappreciated? Yes. Do I often wonder if I make a difference in my day to day? Yes. But do I believe I am living out God's will? Yes. Do I believe that I have a great power and influence over the lives in my classroom? Yes. And is it worth the sacrifice? Absolutely.

So if you wonder where I am daily, why I'm often not as responsive as I should be, why I'm exhausted and asleep by 8 o'clock, the answer is I'm loving kids. I'm finding their quirks and adoring them as they are. And I am proud to live in the footsteps of Jesus and in the example of my Aunt Kelly. I hope that one day children will know Jesus by His love that they experienced through me.

In Over My Head--I'm trusting in God's plan for me...
He had a plan, He had a dream for me with a desire to see me thrive and live life abundantly. The Lord will supply all my needs, according to His riches and glory. I need to trust that. And what really needs to happen in my head and in my heart is this: I need to let go of my worries and fears and let God be in control of what this year will be. Am I any good at this particular task? No. But do I want to be? Yes indeed I do. Thus, I am going to try my hardest not to worry about the year to come and instead I'm going to trust that God will take care of it. He does have a plan.

Over time you've healed so much in me
And I am living proof
That although my darkest hour had come
Your light could still shine through
And though at times it's just enough to cast a shadow on the wall
Lord I am grateful that you shined Your light on me at all

Uncensored-I am constantly learning how to give myself grace...
I know that I'm harder on myself than anyone else is. Herb constantly says "I've forgiven you, why haven't you forgiven yourself?" And it's a fair point, one that I'm sure God is trying to make to me through Herb. So maybe I just need to cut myself some slack and let it be okay that I'm still wounded. And I guess that's what this blog entry was designed to accomplish. If I admit that I am struggling to give myself grace and that I'm still in pieces, then maybe I will feel less ashamed at my imperfections. And maybe it's not even an imperfection so much as a weakness or a struggle. But either way, it's okay that I'm not healed and I'm sure that you all would say the same to me. I just need to continue to repeat that to myself and hopefully this is my first step in granting myself grace.

Out of Control-I am still learning to let go of control, but I'm learning...
Taking risks has proven powerful in positive ways in my life. So why, oh why, can't I remember that each time God asks me to let go? Because I'm human, I'm sure is part of it. Because Satan doesn't want me to remember, which I believe is part of it as well. Or maybe it's because with each risk a new part of myself is vulnerable and that's a new type of scary. Maybe I lack the faith to transfer that previous experience to a new experience. No matter what the reason, I want to learn to be out of control! I want to learn to trust more and have great faith that the Lord will be all I need! So I echo the father of the ailing boy in Mark 9, "Master I do believe, help my unbelief!" And maybe experience by experience I will take more risk and engage more trust. At least this is my hope, I'll keep you posted on how this life long struggle goes. :-)

Coincidence-I am constantly looking for God's hand in my life, and I am beautiful...
All of my ramblings to get to this point: God is constantly working and to expect to know the reason right away is ridiculous because if I knew the reason I might be more resistant to the events that lead up to that purpose.

So I truly believe I have a beautiful piece of God's character in desiring everything to be interconnected. It gives me great Hope to find life to be more than just a series of coincidences. Thus if I ever begin questioning what role this has in God's plans for me, just say "Hey Katie, coincidence? I think not."

Music from the Heart-I love the power music has over me!
It's amazing how powerful music is to my heart. I can't explain the ways that a song can touch me in a manner that nothing else can. I can listen to lyrics and be moved to tears, moved to laughter, moved to dance or moved to raise my voice in praise. I have to believe that music is one of those precious gifts granted to us by our precious Lord. Without it, I'm not sure what I'd do. When asked which sense I'd rather lose, hearing or sight, although baffled by the depth of this question, I have to ultimately choose sight, because without song I fear my soul would be weakened.

Food Glorious Food-Food is how I love people, and I love to love people this way!
But more than an unnatural cure for difficult situations, I like to use food to express my love and care for others. So if I bring you a pan of rice krispie treats, it's because I'm stuck to you. If I bring you a plate of brownies, it's because I think you're sweet. I try to choose foods that reflect tastes and interests that I remember about the person I'm cooking for. Be it vegetarian, dislike for sauces or a food allergy to cilantro, I have your best interest at heart. Thus, if I invite you over for dinner, it's because I want you to be a part of my life. If I feed you, it's because I love you. It won't always be fancy, it won't always be decorative, and it might involve salad out of a bag, but even if it's not fancy, know it's heartfelt.

My First Graduate-I am blessed by my role as a teacher
What a blessing! I have no more words to describe my emotions right now except to say that I have an awesome job, and God has given me these students to change my life. I am blessed.

Miss Jane Austen-I love to read!
All there is left to say is, thank you Jane Austen! Thank you for inviting me into a world so vivid I do not even want for imagination. Thank you for using your words to craft characters who reach the core of my being. Thank you for creating books designed to be timeless. You are a gift to readers and especially a gift to me. I look forward to being lost in your worlds many times over!

See the Beauty-I am inadequate but also uniquely created to orchestrate part of God's beauty!
God in His infinite wisdom and love for beauty has created unique creatures, each designed for a specific purpose. He has gifted me to touch the lives of some in my circle of influence, but He's created others to do the same. How beautiful each and every one of us are for vastly different reasons! How precious are we each created to serve unique purposes in this world! I want to focus on the beauty in others, instead of judge their shortcomings because God has a purpose for their beauty despite their flaws. And the same goes for me; God has a plan for me in spite of my inadequacies.

Beauty is often found in brokenness. When we see a Phoenix rise from the ashes, or a tear stained toddler's face smile as he tries to walk again, there is beauty amidst the pain. I believe there is beauty all around us, in each person we encounter, in each image our eye takes in. But I believe God's crowning glory, the height of His beauty is in the heart of man, and man is broken. We are God's masterpiece, and even the dark lines that brush their way through our stories provide more definition and depth to the painting. "In brokenness comes beauty, divine fragility, reminding me of nail scarred hands reaching out to me." Again, the darker parts of our lives, whether they be sin or struggle, yield beautiful depth to God's creation.

Essays Done!-I am intimately known and cared for by God!
God so intimately knows my heart and needs. He is well aware of my schedule and what needs to be done, and He will take care of it if I put my faith in Him. So I'm elated to say that my essays are done and God has cleared my schedule for more important things, like my relationships with people. God so totally rocks, dude! (If you missed the Disneyland reference there, you need to come on our next trip! I'm sure it's on the horizon!)

Put Together Katie-I am authentic
So I'm not going to exhaust myself striving to show a tough exterior to the world. I don't have that kind of energy to give. Instead I'm going to be honest with myself and with those around me. Is this easier? No way. It may be harder, much harder, but this time the work is that of the Lord's to heal me, and less of my wrestling to keep up a front. And as for others' response to my new found unguarded self, "their response is not my responsibility." (Thanks mom for the positive nag!)

Fire-I want to be refined and thus more beautiful and flavorful
So why then not me? Why is it my instinct to run from fire? Why do I fear the trials so?

Although the fire is essential for creation, it doesn't make it gentle and tender. Some flames are, but very rarely will anything suffer fire without being burned or scarred in some way. But the end result is far more beautiful and flavorful than what went in. There's nothing appetizing about raw meat, but once exposed to the flame, nothing look so good as a char-broiled burger.

Decision Making-My decisions aren't all bad
For example, my planning last night, the two distinct paths, both of them are good. Both of them would be valuable to the kids. But which one would be best? And when I do decide, I'm stuck. This decision stays with me the rest of the semester. So much pressure!

But really, not. I mean, as I said before, both are good options. The kids won't be scarred by a wrong decision. So why do I dwell? Why question? I don't know...all I can say is this: I'm working on it. And hopefully one day my theory will come true and teaching will have converted me into a decisive person. But maybe, just maybe, I have to decide to be decisive. If so, help me God!

Hold Me Now-Even though I am weak, I am also strong
There's a lot here, but the most powerful piece to me is that it is the same heart the one that feels love so deeply and the one that so deeply grieves. It is sometimes our most beautiful attributes that can make us weak. It is the most precious gifts from God that can easily be corrupted. But that's why God meets us where we are and fills in those gaps. He, as Jennifer Knapp so gracefully puts it, holds us NOW.

Specifics-I am about changing and growing, even if it comes at a cost
I'm going to try to embrace my specific imperfections as opportunities to grow and not as reasons to be ashamed. That doesn't mean the specifics won't hurt, but it does mean that I'll try to remember that growth hurts. The pain will be a symptom of my ever-changing heart, which will bear testimony of my growth toward God. And that's a specific I can really get behind.

The Underdog-I LOVE hope!
As I was just typing that last paragraph, it came to me, why I root for the underdog. The answer is hope. I love to have hope, and rooting for the team less touted, rooting for the guy less equipped, rooting for the weaker vessel affords the opportunity for hope. This must be how Jesus feels about us; constantly cheering on the underdog. As we know from scripture, he doesn't choose the smartest, most powerful men to lead his people. He chooses the underdog. So maybe that's it too. Maybe my cheers for the underdog echo Christ in me. How cool!

I Have Hope-Maybe I've finally let down my guard and experienced the pain, but now it's time to allow the healing power of hope to consume me.

Then the following conversation occurred:

Jesus' response to me "Don't guard your heart that way!"

"But you gave me hope. I'm using it."

"Yes, but it's not an escape. You still have to feel it."

"What do you mean 'feel it'? I'm feeling it."

"Are you? Remember pain has a purpose."

End of conversation. Jesus was right. (I know, oh so surprising!) While hope is an amazing gift it can't be a scapegoat. I can't hide behind hope as a means of not experiencing the pain and realities of the situations I face. Because the pain has a purpose and if I don't allow myself to experience the pain I won't grow.

I began to process this more and I thought about how scary this could be. It is important, invaluable to allow myself to experience pain. However it is also invaluable to protect my heart or allow God to do so. It is important to not allow the pain to consume me, consume my thoughts or dictate my attitude. I must find a balance.

Ah, that word balance. It pops up everywhere in my life. Yet it's true; it's imperative that I allow the pain to have it's purpose, and allow Jesus to give me hope. I can still have hope. It is still a tool that Jesus is going to use, but I can't hide behind it. I have to allow the pain to have a purpose, and the growth the results can be yet another source of hope. I do have hope, but I'm now going to use it as God intended, not abuse it to spare me pain.

Topics of Conversation-I love to be known and to know others!
I love that feeling, the feeling that somebody gets you. It sometimes the joy I find in teaching; the moment when the students "get" what I'm saying is magical. The same goes for our easy going conversation tonight. There were no pretenses, no facades, just authenticity. I have the inclination that this feeling wasn't derived from our topic of conversation, but rather the friends I was with. Although the topic is important and the details are often telling, the happiness and comfort comes in the time spent; the time spent becoming more fully aware of each person's idiosyncrasies or ways of thinking. So while our topic of conversation allowed us the insights, it was the simplicity of being together that made the evening what it was, an amazing experience of feeling loved.

Real Love-I strive to love others, even if I'm far from perfect at it.
Love isn't what happens when things are going well and life is hunky-dory. Love is what happens when we have to respond to others in the midst of our lives crumbling around us. Love is hard, flat out hard. If it seems easy, we must not be doing it right.

Jesus offered extravagant love to us, but it cost him something. Actually it cost him everything, his life. Real love comes at a cost. There is a sacrifice that must be present for true love to exist.

How Beautiful-I love how my students show me glimpses of God!
These are the moments that make teaching an amazing profession. These tender interactions with students that allow me to see the beauty of each heart. These are glimpses into God's beauty implanted in the hearts of each of us, especially the hearts of children.

Oh The Joy-I see how real God is through some of my greatest trials...
It is amazing to me how I can walk out of such wearying and trying circumstances and proclaim "Oh the Joy!" but perhaps that is the amazing work of the Lord. This is what He means when He challenges us to "consider it pure joy." I have found Jesus to be more profoundly real to me in these last months than maybe in my whole life thus far. The deeper, more troubling my circumstances the more He challenged me to draw near to Him, to become more like Him. And while I am desperately longing for a reprieve, part of me still seeks that intimacy that comes from heartache and suffering. Am I asking for those right at this moment? Not particularly. Will I shrink away from them if presented? I don't think I can, not after knowing how beautiful it is to dwell in the presence of God daily. Do we need trials to dwell in His presence? No, definitely not. But He uses our circumstances to more firmly shape our visions and understandings of His character, both good and bad. And He will continue to shape my vision through every circumstance.

Access-I long to give God access to change me, to redeem me, even my darkest fears...
"But no matter the core event that created your fault line, please hear this wonderful, incredible, life-changing good news: No matter what we've done or what's been done to us, no matter how deep our wounds or how damaged our spirits, we have a mighty God who is able to redeem our darkest moments and deepest fears. A loving Father who promises to keep watch at our points of vulnerability, to strengthen us where we're weak, to correct the lies that have led us astray, and to heal the rifts in our souls.

But only if we give Him access."
Joanna Weaver Having a Mary Spirit

Pride and Faith-I want to trust God and give Him full reign over my life...
"Let me get this straight...although I spoke the universe into existence and hung the stars in space...even though I promised to help you when you said yes to My call...and even though you've cleared your life and made time to write this book...you still keep saying you can't do it...What you're really telling Me...is that you're the omnipotent one around here. Because no matter how much I help you, no matter how willing I am to give you the words and the ability to write...you just know you'll find some way to mess it all up!"
Joanna Weaver, Having a Mary Spirit

Yep, that's about it. But it sounds so awful when you put it like that! It is pride, but really it is unbelief. And that's what it boils down to. Do I have faith enough to trust God will take care of me? Do I have faith enough to know that God will grant me time when I need it? Do I have faith enough to believe that He's called these kids to my classroom for a purpose and that He'll provide everything I need? It's about faith.

I used to think that pride was the root of all sin, and in a lot of ways the two are intricately connected. But I'm starting to realize that sin is also intertwined with unbelief. Because if we believe God is big enough to take care of things, we won't: avoid risk because of fear, speak up when faced with an opportunity to gossip, worry and strive about things outside of our control, try to take control in difficult situations. If we believe, we remove ourselves from all of these opportunities to sin.

Last week our pastor asked us if we truly trust God, if we truly trust His desire to work things together for the good. And while we initially want to respond with a resounding yes, the answer is, at least for me, not all the time. I don't act out of trust in Him, in fact many of my actions are done out of fear. I'm just being honest. So now I understand the man's prayer to Jesus in Matthew, "Lord I believe, help me in my unbelief."

Thus, with the start of a new school year I seek to believe and trust God more. He will provide. He does seek to work for my good. I need to stop protecting myself or striving about what I can't protect and just trust. I want to be a 1 Peter woman whose beauty lies in a quiet and gentle spirit, a heart without fear. May my life be humble and full of faith, not just this week, not just this year, but may this be the beginning of a lifelong journey full of trust in my Lord.

And now...
This last entry was written almost a year ago to the day. Little did I know that God was going to take me up on my request last year. He worked and is working to help me cease protecting myself, to stop striving about what I can't protect, to trust. He longs to give me a heart without fear. He was just honoring my request, and I have been ever resistant to the process.

Re-reading these words just reinforces God's love for me. He will provide, He will heal, He will redeem. I've seen it before and I'll see it again. These words also reinforce that my heart is good, and that's what matters. I need to stop striving and trust in who God made me to be. I need to remember how He has been faithful and how much I love the life God has given me, even the bumps and imperfections. I hope this post isn't arrogant, but rather reflects the deepest need of my heart--to remember who I am and the God who I so awkwardly serve.