Anxiety Dreams

I've been told by many that I should keep a dream journal. I have some of the most bizarre story lines develop in my dreams and they really might make a good book someday. My dreams run the gamut from run of the mill plot lines that would happen in everyday life to ridiculous, outlandish concoctions that could never be created with pen to paper. I've had prophetic dreams where I dream about students before I've met them or had them in my classroom. I've had prophetic dreams where I try to take the square root of a B flat, an impossible task that is my body's way of informing me that I need to vomit. I've had dreams about characters in books or movies coming into my life and co-existing with me in my own reality. But last night brought about a different sort of dream...the anxiety dream.

These anxiety dreams are common for me, especially around the start of the school year. Usually the dream will have me in a regular school setting but I've forgotten to do something crucial like copy my syllabus, plan a lesson for that day, or even wear clothes to school (more than mildly embarrassing in front of a classroom full of teenagers). I've also been lost on campus and late, running through halls I've never seen before attempting to find my classroom which doesn't exist on that campus. I've forgotten to read books or write papers; I've forgotten to bring a backpack or a pencil to an exam. But last night was a new one for me, someone replaced me.

Next year I am teaching an adaptive English class, which I'm slightly nervous about seeing as I've never done anything like it before. And last night I dreamed I arrived in that class without a roster or a lesson plan. There was another teacher there by the name of JoJo (no this person does not exist anywhere in reality) who was supposed to observe my class. But when I realized I had no roster he pushed a desk into my leg, caused me to start bleeding, and then took over my class. I ran away crying to the bathroom and arrived at my next class to find some of my current students circled around another student mocking him mercilessly, and I couldn't get them to stop. I found myself running out of the class again, crying. Then I found my Assistant Principal staring at me and I was even more ashamed that I couldn't get anything under control, which prompted me to finally wake up.

Now you can see, there is no rhyme or reason for this dream, but it bothered me nonetheless. The first aspect that bothered me is that I had an anxiety dream about something that will not occur for another five weeks! I'm not supposed to be anxious about school yet, I'm still deep in the throes of summer. In addition, I'm unsure where the feelings of being replaced are coming from. I'll have many of the same students next year and I know that I'm valued by the staff and students on campus. So why on earth am I having this dream?

It's often been asked of me what my first question will be when I come face to face with God, and I'm pretty sure it will be "Why do we dream? And please interpret my thousands of confusing dreams from over the years." I wish I had Daniel's gift of dream interpretation. I wish I could discern that a bale of wheat means years of plenty, but I can't. I wish I could have this gift because my brain does think in symbols, and I want to know what things symbolize. But that's not in the plans for right now. So I'll have to be content in categorizing my dreams and knowing that last night's dream was derived out of anxiety and nothing more. But hopefully someday I'll be able to ask God, and He'll have amazing answers. And only then will I be able to say, "Oh I get it now!"

So here's to shedding anxiety for the coming school year and living enjoying the now. Sometimes I think we humans aren't content unless we are worried about something. But today my goal is to "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything with prayer and supplication make your requests known to God." Hopefully dream Katie will take this advice to heart as well!