Uncensored

There's something very risky about blogging or really writing in general. I've always believed that writing is an extension of myself, which is why I used to have such a hard time when teachers would mark all over my papers. I felt that somehow they were criticizing more than my writing, they were criticizing me. I have spent many years trying to learn that while writing is an extension of who I am it is important that there be some criticism otherwise how would I grow as a writer. Which I suppose the same goes for real life. Sometimes we have to be criticized because without it we might never grow as a person.

What's even stranger is that I don't believe in censoring novels on the whole, but I realize that as I writer I censor what I put down on the page. I think about who my audience is and what they will think if I make certain comments, and then I make decisions about which examples to include or what to mention based on my audience analysis. I think this is an important part of writing, just as it's an important part of having a conversation. We should censor what we say and consider our audience because we don't want to alienate them, but we should not censor to the point that we lose a part of ourselves or a part of our message in the censoring. Sometimes the truth does offend people and that's okay because sometimes the truth makes us uncomfortable and it should. Because again sometimes it is in the uncomfortable that we begin to grow.

I say all of this because I'm about to be honest about something personal to me (not that everything I have written thus far isn't personal this is just more directly revealing) and there is a bit of fear that comes with writing this blog. But I like to be authentic, and I am often upset when people are not authentic with me. So I am taking a risk, putting myself out there through my writing. And even if it's taken wrongly or even criticized it's okay because that's how I'll grow.

Now that I've got you all thinking I'm going to write something scandalous, I'm sure you'll be mildly disappointed as you read on. But here's my heart as it stands now, uncensored...

I've been feeling rather imperfect lately because it is taking longer to heal than I thought it would. I thought for sure that after one week of break I'd be off to the races and raring to go again. But after two and a half weeks of break I still feel curled up in a ball, unready to pick up on life as I left it before. I'm not sure if it's exhaustion from intense stress at school or if it's continued grieving of the loss of Aunt Kelly, but my heart feels unsteady and unsure. Why is it that we feel the need to be "ok"? To be "back to normal"? It often feels like the expectation is that we readily pick up the pieces and carry on. And we do need to carry on and it is important to engage in normal activity, but sometimes I wish that I would give myself some grace to do those things imperfectly.

I've been told before that people don't worry about me because I have it all together. People just assume that because I push through and make things work that I need less love and support than those who wear their weaknesses more visibly. And maybe that's partly my flaw, that I don't make my weaknesses as apparent to others as they are to me. I am definitely trying to work on being authentic in that way without being a whiner. But at the same time, I wish that people would take care of me, even if I do appear to have it all together. Or maybe it's not even that they would take care of me as much as it is that they would give me grace to be imperfect or to fall short. And maybe they do and I just am so busy not giving myself grace that I miss it.

I know that I'm harder on myself than anyone else is. Herb constantly says "I've forgiven you, why haven't you forgiven yourself?" And it's a fair point, one that I'm sure God is trying to make to me through Herb. So maybe I just need to cut myself some slack and let it be okay that I'm still wounded. And I guess that's what this blog entry was designed to accomplish. If I admit that I am struggling to give myself grace and that I'm still in pieces, then maybe I will feel less ashamed at my imperfections. And maybe it's not even an imperfection so much as a weakness or a struggle. But either way, it's okay that I'm not healed and I'm sure that you all would say the same to me. I just need to continue to repeat that to myself and hopefully this is my first step in granting myself grace.

Sometimes I think it's important to write your heart without form and perfection, kind of akin to a journal. Although it's a lot scarier to journal to an audience than to a book that sits on the shelf, I think there is value in being honest to an audience. While it may not make perfect sense, it is a glimpse of Katie uncensored.