A job!

Just in case you haven't read via facebook, Herb got a job offer yesterday at the legal defender's office! I'm just overwhelmed at the way God honored our willingness to wait on Him and also our willingness to step out in faith, take risks, and His response to those risks. We bought a house on complete faith that God would provide our funding and He has. He is faithful, always has been, always will be. But I also recognize that He's faithful regardless of positive circumstances, and yet it is in moments like these that I am so humbly reminded. My plans are far from perfect, but God's timing is breathtaking. Praise God for His faithfulness and His goodness!

Another non-coincidence

I really don't have time to write, but I feel so compelled to share how God coincides moments of my life. I've been listening diligently this week to Watermark's All Things New CD, one of my favorites. Specifically I wanted to listen to Who Am I? after reflecting on the lyrics in reading through my old blogs. But I also happened upon many other amazing songs, specifically You are My Stronghold. They just resonated with where I am right now. Here are the lyrics:

Lord you are my light and my salvation
Whom shall I fear if you are near
Lord you are my peace when there is war all around me
And even here inside me I will have no fear

Oh Lord you're my protection from my enemies
You set me high upon a rock and You defend my soul
And when their ways advance against me
I am confident that they cannot make me less, for you have made me whole
O Lord, you are my stronghold
You are my stronghold

Lord you are my strength so let my head be lifted up
That I may glory in the ways you've overcome
Lord you are my home because you've created in me,
a heart that lives the victory that you've already won

I've also been reading through the "Do not be afraid" passages in scripture (there are 365! Isn't that amazing!?) I happened upon Psalm 27, which is the passage that most of these lyrics are drawn from. The words are so powerful! AND there is also a passage from one of my favorite songs in high school, One Thing that I Ask, that used to get me through tough times. I don't think these words resonating in my heart in different forms is anything less than God's providence, and I just find that exciting!

Who I Am

Last night I started a journey through old blog posts. I just felt compelled to read over my writing journey and see where God has led me. Through this, I'm sure God-prompted, process I found something magnificent that I had most definitely lost--me. In re-reading my thoughts, my words, my experiences, I was reminded of the hopeful, God-filled Katie that I once had been. I've been desperately grabbing at her with head knowledge and foolish and seemingly logical wisdom, instead of reaching for the core of who she is--her heart. And this walk through who I have been has pointed me back to the core of who God is--His heart. I've so forgotten the ways He has been faithful, the powerful ways that He has grown and changed me, the fulfilled promises in my life. I've been so consumed with the things that could be that I've forgotten to look at what once was.

This process left me with a greater peace than I've known in a long time. I remember now the beauty of the God I serve, and I remember the beauty of the Godly woman that is in me. I'm going to paste below the pieces of various blogs that have reminded me of poignant aspects of my character or God's that are so comforting and renewing to me. If you'd like to join in my journey feel free. It might be a long journey, but these words have been healing, all of them, so I want to give them the credit they deserve. This is who I am:

Hope-I am Hopeful
My Hope comes in the faith that the events of my life, of the lives of people around me, are with great purpose. Yes there's consequence to action, yes there's temptation and meddling by Satan, but more importantly there's Hope in what God will do in my life through this situation.

Love Actually-I am loving
This post is more of a prompting and reminder for me to be ever vigilant in watching for love. One moment can sustain a whole day, and it is a collection of these moments that sustain a lifetime. Our purpose on this earth is love actually, and I don't want to miss the opportunity to give or receive love.

My Logic-My reasons for teaching are powerful...
So is it time consuming to be a high school teacher? Yes. Do I feel worked to the bone and often unappreciated? Yes. Do I often wonder if I make a difference in my day to day? Yes. But do I believe I am living out God's will? Yes. Do I believe that I have a great power and influence over the lives in my classroom? Yes. And is it worth the sacrifice? Absolutely.

So if you wonder where I am daily, why I'm often not as responsive as I should be, why I'm exhausted and asleep by 8 o'clock, the answer is I'm loving kids. I'm finding their quirks and adoring them as they are. And I am proud to live in the footsteps of Jesus and in the example of my Aunt Kelly. I hope that one day children will know Jesus by His love that they experienced through me.

In Over My Head--I'm trusting in God's plan for me...
He had a plan, He had a dream for me with a desire to see me thrive and live life abundantly. The Lord will supply all my needs, according to His riches and glory. I need to trust that. And what really needs to happen in my head and in my heart is this: I need to let go of my worries and fears and let God be in control of what this year will be. Am I any good at this particular task? No. But do I want to be? Yes indeed I do. Thus, I am going to try my hardest not to worry about the year to come and instead I'm going to trust that God will take care of it. He does have a plan.

Over time you've healed so much in me
And I am living proof
That although my darkest hour had come
Your light could still shine through
And though at times it's just enough to cast a shadow on the wall
Lord I am grateful that you shined Your light on me at all

Uncensored-I am constantly learning how to give myself grace...
I know that I'm harder on myself than anyone else is. Herb constantly says "I've forgiven you, why haven't you forgiven yourself?" And it's a fair point, one that I'm sure God is trying to make to me through Herb. So maybe I just need to cut myself some slack and let it be okay that I'm still wounded. And I guess that's what this blog entry was designed to accomplish. If I admit that I am struggling to give myself grace and that I'm still in pieces, then maybe I will feel less ashamed at my imperfections. And maybe it's not even an imperfection so much as a weakness or a struggle. But either way, it's okay that I'm not healed and I'm sure that you all would say the same to me. I just need to continue to repeat that to myself and hopefully this is my first step in granting myself grace.

Out of Control-I am still learning to let go of control, but I'm learning...
Taking risks has proven powerful in positive ways in my life. So why, oh why, can't I remember that each time God asks me to let go? Because I'm human, I'm sure is part of it. Because Satan doesn't want me to remember, which I believe is part of it as well. Or maybe it's because with each risk a new part of myself is vulnerable and that's a new type of scary. Maybe I lack the faith to transfer that previous experience to a new experience. No matter what the reason, I want to learn to be out of control! I want to learn to trust more and have great faith that the Lord will be all I need! So I echo the father of the ailing boy in Mark 9, "Master I do believe, help my unbelief!" And maybe experience by experience I will take more risk and engage more trust. At least this is my hope, I'll keep you posted on how this life long struggle goes. :-)

Coincidence-I am constantly looking for God's hand in my life, and I am beautiful...
All of my ramblings to get to this point: God is constantly working and to expect to know the reason right away is ridiculous because if I knew the reason I might be more resistant to the events that lead up to that purpose.

So I truly believe I have a beautiful piece of God's character in desiring everything to be interconnected. It gives me great Hope to find life to be more than just a series of coincidences. Thus if I ever begin questioning what role this has in God's plans for me, just say "Hey Katie, coincidence? I think not."

Music from the Heart-I love the power music has over me!
It's amazing how powerful music is to my heart. I can't explain the ways that a song can touch me in a manner that nothing else can. I can listen to lyrics and be moved to tears, moved to laughter, moved to dance or moved to raise my voice in praise. I have to believe that music is one of those precious gifts granted to us by our precious Lord. Without it, I'm not sure what I'd do. When asked which sense I'd rather lose, hearing or sight, although baffled by the depth of this question, I have to ultimately choose sight, because without song I fear my soul would be weakened.

Food Glorious Food-Food is how I love people, and I love to love people this way!
But more than an unnatural cure for difficult situations, I like to use food to express my love and care for others. So if I bring you a pan of rice krispie treats, it's because I'm stuck to you. If I bring you a plate of brownies, it's because I think you're sweet. I try to choose foods that reflect tastes and interests that I remember about the person I'm cooking for. Be it vegetarian, dislike for sauces or a food allergy to cilantro, I have your best interest at heart. Thus, if I invite you over for dinner, it's because I want you to be a part of my life. If I feed you, it's because I love you. It won't always be fancy, it won't always be decorative, and it might involve salad out of a bag, but even if it's not fancy, know it's heartfelt.

My First Graduate-I am blessed by my role as a teacher
What a blessing! I have no more words to describe my emotions right now except to say that I have an awesome job, and God has given me these students to change my life. I am blessed.

Miss Jane Austen-I love to read!
All there is left to say is, thank you Jane Austen! Thank you for inviting me into a world so vivid I do not even want for imagination. Thank you for using your words to craft characters who reach the core of my being. Thank you for creating books designed to be timeless. You are a gift to readers and especially a gift to me. I look forward to being lost in your worlds many times over!

See the Beauty-I am inadequate but also uniquely created to orchestrate part of God's beauty!
God in His infinite wisdom and love for beauty has created unique creatures, each designed for a specific purpose. He has gifted me to touch the lives of some in my circle of influence, but He's created others to do the same. How beautiful each and every one of us are for vastly different reasons! How precious are we each created to serve unique purposes in this world! I want to focus on the beauty in others, instead of judge their shortcomings because God has a purpose for their beauty despite their flaws. And the same goes for me; God has a plan for me in spite of my inadequacies.

Beauty is often found in brokenness. When we see a Phoenix rise from the ashes, or a tear stained toddler's face smile as he tries to walk again, there is beauty amidst the pain. I believe there is beauty all around us, in each person we encounter, in each image our eye takes in. But I believe God's crowning glory, the height of His beauty is in the heart of man, and man is broken. We are God's masterpiece, and even the dark lines that brush their way through our stories provide more definition and depth to the painting. "In brokenness comes beauty, divine fragility, reminding me of nail scarred hands reaching out to me." Again, the darker parts of our lives, whether they be sin or struggle, yield beautiful depth to God's creation.

Essays Done!-I am intimately known and cared for by God!
God so intimately knows my heart and needs. He is well aware of my schedule and what needs to be done, and He will take care of it if I put my faith in Him. So I'm elated to say that my essays are done and God has cleared my schedule for more important things, like my relationships with people. God so totally rocks, dude! (If you missed the Disneyland reference there, you need to come on our next trip! I'm sure it's on the horizon!)

Put Together Katie-I am authentic
So I'm not going to exhaust myself striving to show a tough exterior to the world. I don't have that kind of energy to give. Instead I'm going to be honest with myself and with those around me. Is this easier? No way. It may be harder, much harder, but this time the work is that of the Lord's to heal me, and less of my wrestling to keep up a front. And as for others' response to my new found unguarded self, "their response is not my responsibility." (Thanks mom for the positive nag!)

Fire-I want to be refined and thus more beautiful and flavorful
So why then not me? Why is it my instinct to run from fire? Why do I fear the trials so?

Although the fire is essential for creation, it doesn't make it gentle and tender. Some flames are, but very rarely will anything suffer fire without being burned or scarred in some way. But the end result is far more beautiful and flavorful than what went in. There's nothing appetizing about raw meat, but once exposed to the flame, nothing look so good as a char-broiled burger.

Decision Making-My decisions aren't all bad
For example, my planning last night, the two distinct paths, both of them are good. Both of them would be valuable to the kids. But which one would be best? And when I do decide, I'm stuck. This decision stays with me the rest of the semester. So much pressure!

But really, not. I mean, as I said before, both are good options. The kids won't be scarred by a wrong decision. So why do I dwell? Why question? I don't know...all I can say is this: I'm working on it. And hopefully one day my theory will come true and teaching will have converted me into a decisive person. But maybe, just maybe, I have to decide to be decisive. If so, help me God!

Hold Me Now-Even though I am weak, I am also strong
There's a lot here, but the most powerful piece to me is that it is the same heart the one that feels love so deeply and the one that so deeply grieves. It is sometimes our most beautiful attributes that can make us weak. It is the most precious gifts from God that can easily be corrupted. But that's why God meets us where we are and fills in those gaps. He, as Jennifer Knapp so gracefully puts it, holds us NOW.

Specifics-I am about changing and growing, even if it comes at a cost
I'm going to try to embrace my specific imperfections as opportunities to grow and not as reasons to be ashamed. That doesn't mean the specifics won't hurt, but it does mean that I'll try to remember that growth hurts. The pain will be a symptom of my ever-changing heart, which will bear testimony of my growth toward God. And that's a specific I can really get behind.

The Underdog-I LOVE hope!
As I was just typing that last paragraph, it came to me, why I root for the underdog. The answer is hope. I love to have hope, and rooting for the team less touted, rooting for the guy less equipped, rooting for the weaker vessel affords the opportunity for hope. This must be how Jesus feels about us; constantly cheering on the underdog. As we know from scripture, he doesn't choose the smartest, most powerful men to lead his people. He chooses the underdog. So maybe that's it too. Maybe my cheers for the underdog echo Christ in me. How cool!

I Have Hope-Maybe I've finally let down my guard and experienced the pain, but now it's time to allow the healing power of hope to consume me.

Then the following conversation occurred:

Jesus' response to me "Don't guard your heart that way!"

"But you gave me hope. I'm using it."

"Yes, but it's not an escape. You still have to feel it."

"What do you mean 'feel it'? I'm feeling it."

"Are you? Remember pain has a purpose."

End of conversation. Jesus was right. (I know, oh so surprising!) While hope is an amazing gift it can't be a scapegoat. I can't hide behind hope as a means of not experiencing the pain and realities of the situations I face. Because the pain has a purpose and if I don't allow myself to experience the pain I won't grow.

I began to process this more and I thought about how scary this could be. It is important, invaluable to allow myself to experience pain. However it is also invaluable to protect my heart or allow God to do so. It is important to not allow the pain to consume me, consume my thoughts or dictate my attitude. I must find a balance.

Ah, that word balance. It pops up everywhere in my life. Yet it's true; it's imperative that I allow the pain to have it's purpose, and allow Jesus to give me hope. I can still have hope. It is still a tool that Jesus is going to use, but I can't hide behind it. I have to allow the pain to have a purpose, and the growth the results can be yet another source of hope. I do have hope, but I'm now going to use it as God intended, not abuse it to spare me pain.

Topics of Conversation-I love to be known and to know others!
I love that feeling, the feeling that somebody gets you. It sometimes the joy I find in teaching; the moment when the students "get" what I'm saying is magical. The same goes for our easy going conversation tonight. There were no pretenses, no facades, just authenticity. I have the inclination that this feeling wasn't derived from our topic of conversation, but rather the friends I was with. Although the topic is important and the details are often telling, the happiness and comfort comes in the time spent; the time spent becoming more fully aware of each person's idiosyncrasies or ways of thinking. So while our topic of conversation allowed us the insights, it was the simplicity of being together that made the evening what it was, an amazing experience of feeling loved.

Real Love-I strive to love others, even if I'm far from perfect at it.
Love isn't what happens when things are going well and life is hunky-dory. Love is what happens when we have to respond to others in the midst of our lives crumbling around us. Love is hard, flat out hard. If it seems easy, we must not be doing it right.

Jesus offered extravagant love to us, but it cost him something. Actually it cost him everything, his life. Real love comes at a cost. There is a sacrifice that must be present for true love to exist.

How Beautiful-I love how my students show me glimpses of God!
These are the moments that make teaching an amazing profession. These tender interactions with students that allow me to see the beauty of each heart. These are glimpses into God's beauty implanted in the hearts of each of us, especially the hearts of children.

Oh The Joy-I see how real God is through some of my greatest trials...
It is amazing to me how I can walk out of such wearying and trying circumstances and proclaim "Oh the Joy!" but perhaps that is the amazing work of the Lord. This is what He means when He challenges us to "consider it pure joy." I have found Jesus to be more profoundly real to me in these last months than maybe in my whole life thus far. The deeper, more troubling my circumstances the more He challenged me to draw near to Him, to become more like Him. And while I am desperately longing for a reprieve, part of me still seeks that intimacy that comes from heartache and suffering. Am I asking for those right at this moment? Not particularly. Will I shrink away from them if presented? I don't think I can, not after knowing how beautiful it is to dwell in the presence of God daily. Do we need trials to dwell in His presence? No, definitely not. But He uses our circumstances to more firmly shape our visions and understandings of His character, both good and bad. And He will continue to shape my vision through every circumstance.

Access-I long to give God access to change me, to redeem me, even my darkest fears...
"But no matter the core event that created your fault line, please hear this wonderful, incredible, life-changing good news: No matter what we've done or what's been done to us, no matter how deep our wounds or how damaged our spirits, we have a mighty God who is able to redeem our darkest moments and deepest fears. A loving Father who promises to keep watch at our points of vulnerability, to strengthen us where we're weak, to correct the lies that have led us astray, and to heal the rifts in our souls.

But only if we give Him access."
Joanna Weaver Having a Mary Spirit

Pride and Faith-I want to trust God and give Him full reign over my life...
"Let me get this straight...although I spoke the universe into existence and hung the stars in space...even though I promised to help you when you said yes to My call...and even though you've cleared your life and made time to write this book...you still keep saying you can't do it...What you're really telling Me...is that you're the omnipotent one around here. Because no matter how much I help you, no matter how willing I am to give you the words and the ability to write...you just know you'll find some way to mess it all up!"
Joanna Weaver, Having a Mary Spirit

Yep, that's about it. But it sounds so awful when you put it like that! It is pride, but really it is unbelief. And that's what it boils down to. Do I have faith enough to trust God will take care of me? Do I have faith enough to know that God will grant me time when I need it? Do I have faith enough to believe that He's called these kids to my classroom for a purpose and that He'll provide everything I need? It's about faith.

I used to think that pride was the root of all sin, and in a lot of ways the two are intricately connected. But I'm starting to realize that sin is also intertwined with unbelief. Because if we believe God is big enough to take care of things, we won't: avoid risk because of fear, speak up when faced with an opportunity to gossip, worry and strive about things outside of our control, try to take control in difficult situations. If we believe, we remove ourselves from all of these opportunities to sin.

Last week our pastor asked us if we truly trust God, if we truly trust His desire to work things together for the good. And while we initially want to respond with a resounding yes, the answer is, at least for me, not all the time. I don't act out of trust in Him, in fact many of my actions are done out of fear. I'm just being honest. So now I understand the man's prayer to Jesus in Matthew, "Lord I believe, help me in my unbelief."

Thus, with the start of a new school year I seek to believe and trust God more. He will provide. He does seek to work for my good. I need to stop protecting myself or striving about what I can't protect and just trust. I want to be a 1 Peter woman whose beauty lies in a quiet and gentle spirit, a heart without fear. May my life be humble and full of faith, not just this week, not just this year, but may this be the beginning of a lifelong journey full of trust in my Lord.

And now...
This last entry was written almost a year ago to the day. Little did I know that God was going to take me up on my request last year. He worked and is working to help me cease protecting myself, to stop striving about what I can't protect, to trust. He longs to give me a heart without fear. He was just honoring my request, and I have been ever resistant to the process.

Re-reading these words just reinforces God's love for me. He will provide, He will heal, He will redeem. I've seen it before and I'll see it again. These words also reinforce that my heart is good, and that's what matters. I need to stop striving and trust in who God made me to be. I need to remember how He has been faithful and how much I love the life God has given me, even the bumps and imperfections. I hope this post isn't arrogant, but rather reflects the deepest need of my heart--to remember who I am and the God who I so awkwardly serve.

Is one of us supposed to be a dog in this situation?

Those of you who have spent any time with Herb and me know how excessively we quote movies. We can have whole conversations consisting of words that are not our own. I love this about us, but I know it is an us quirk that not everyone understands. I am just lucky that I met a man who enjoys quoting in this way because I often think in quotes. Words and phrases stick with me and constantly float through my mind, which is why I'm not surprised that my current anxiety lesson comes to me from When Harry Met Sally. This is one of my favorite movies of all time, and the quotes from this movie are endlessly applicable to numerous situations. But the quote that's been sticking with me this week is from Jess and Marie's wedding when Harry and Sally are arguing about the night they slept together. Sally is holding on to what happened and Harry is trying to convince her (albeit not well--he calls her a dog!) to let it go. Here's how the conversation plays out:

Sally: I don't see that Harry. If anyone's a dog, you are the dog. To you this is something that just happened and you think you can say great, it happened, now let's get on with it, we'll go back to the way it was like what happened didn't mean anything--

Harry: I'm not saying it didn't mean anything, I'm just saying why does it have to mean everything?

I keep replaying Harry's line over and over in my mind. The thing is, I feel like Sally, except exaggerated. I feel like each thing that happens, each thing I do, is of huge importance with the possibility for astronomical consequences. But why does each action have to mean everything? I'm bound to be anxious when I feel as though each decision or mistake has such gravity. I'm lacking perspective on the meaning of my actions. I'm not sure how to change that.

But I do know that I will continue to replay Harry's line in my mind, and hopefully it'll sink in. Hopefully I can ask myself with each passing anxiety, why does it have to mean everything? And then maybe I won't be a dog in this situation. ;-)

Chains

I love how God chooses to speak to us. Sometimes He uses a trusted friend, sometimes it is through His word, sometimes it is through a book, sometimes through a song. God spoke to me in all of those methods this week reiterating one image, one theme: Chains.

The first chapter of Out of Control and Loving It starts with the following passage from Isaiah 52:

Awake, awake,
Clothe yourself in your strength, O Zion;
Clothe yourself in your beautiful garments,
O Jerusalem, the holy city;
For the uncircumcised and the unclean
Will no longer come into you.
Shake yourself from the dust, rise up,
O captive Jerusalem;
Loose yourself from the chains around your neck,
O captive daughter of Zion.

When I first began reading this book and truly began my journey through loss of control, this image didn't strike me as very powerful. The author spent two chapters dissecting this precious woman Zion who was in chains, and it was interesting but didn't grip me. Yet this week, amidst other conversations these verses keep rising to my mind. I feel absolutely captive by my fear at times, frozen and terrified to act. I feel violated by the anxiety that has decided to take up residence in my heart. I feel chained to my anxious thoughts, unable to shake them off. I can absolutely relate to the captive daughter of Zion.

I've recently been hearing the same song repeat on KLOVE, no matter what time of day I'm in the car. I love the song "East to West" by Casting Crowns, but I've loved it for reasons different than the lyrics echoing in my soul this week. This week I've been caught up in the first verse:

Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest

I love the lines that follow the chains, I yearn for peace and rest. I think those are two qualities I want more than anything right now. Those two words are promised to us by God: "Come those who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest." I just want to cease striving against the chains, and yet I fight with everything I have to break free of them.

Look back at the image of Zion. God calls her to loose the chains from her neck; the power is in her hands to be freed. But it seems that she's been going about it in the wrong way. He calls her to awake, arise, clothe herself in strength and beauty, to shake off the dust. I don't think this is how we normally go about trying to break free. Think about it, we fight, we strive, we claw, we run, but at no time did we think beauty would set us free. The qualities God asks of Zion are calling us back to who He created us to be: alive, powerful, strong, beautiful, listening to the sound of His voice.

This is one of the many situations where our concept of how to fix is so vastly different from His. When our enemy approaches, we turn the other cheek. When we see our enemy hungry, we are to feed him. When we want to be exalted, we must be humbled. God's idea of how to fix is never what we imagine or intend, but it does draw us back to Him. Maybe His ideas of how to fix me aren't orthodox in my eyes, but I think we both want the same end result: freedom.

I want to be free of the chains. I want that more than anything. I want to sing the chorus of "Amazing Grace (My chains are gone)":

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace

And the chorus of "Undone":

To the cross I run
Holding high my chains undone
Now I am finally free
Free to be what I've become
Undone

I aspire to be free of my chains, to arise and awaken. I want these images painted in these last two songs to be more powerful than the images of my chains. I long to be undone. And maybe it's time to stop trying to fight my way and instead look at the unorthodox ways God calls me to. I'm not yet sure what that looks like, but I hope I eventually get to look like a beautiful daughter of Zion, no longer captive by my chains.

Bing

In case you've missed the millions of commercials and ads inundating us about the new search engine Bing, it is a search engine that supposedly sorts through the crap websites for you, only returning results relevant to your search. They claim that it will enable you to find the website you are looking for without having to sort through ads or majorly irrelevant sites. To our make-everything-easier society this should be and is a very marketable product.

I, however, am completely unsettled by the idea of Bing. I find it bothersome that someone would suppose to know what I'm looking for. I find it irksome that I am not given all of the options and allowed to choose for myself. I find that this tool censors ideas based on the fact that they believe I don't want to be exposed to them. Shouldn't I make the decision about what I want to be exposed to? Shouldn't I be able to sift through the sites myself and click on those that fit my desired purpose? I feel like Bing flies in the face of my rights to free thought, my intelligence, and my goals in teaching students.

One of the key skills I try to teach students is how to look at several sources and determine which source is most helpful and relevant to what they are trying to prove. This involves looking at a list of titles or a list of websites, clicking on and reading the excerpts and then weighing the validity of the article and the relevance of the article to make an educated decision about the value of the piece. Bing tells my students that they no longer need this skill. It advocates for laziness, for not having to think for yourself. Students already believe that they can type a topic into Google, click on a few sites and have the information they need; Bing adds another layer to this. It will be easy for them to believe that because they've used Bing the source must be relevant to their topic. I sometimes feel like technology strips kids of essential skills in the belief that it is making life easier. But since when is easier always better?

One example of easier isn't better in my classroom is when I teach MLA. I get so frustrated when my students resist learning MLA citation. It is an important process to understand, and an important college-level skill. It is also an academic hoop that they need to learn to jump through, just as they will jump through hoops in any higher education or job. In their resistance to learn the process, because it's hard or cumbersome, they use a website called EasyBib. This site allows you to plug in the information and it will chug out the citation. I have a deep loathing for this site because it reflects the laziness of my students and their unwillingness to try, and it also incorrectly cites. I try to be an MLA master for this reason. I tell them up front that I can find EasyBib citations quickly and they will be penalized. My students don't believe me, use EasyBib and find lower grades as a result. This is an example of how the process is more important than the product. I want them to understand the MLA process, just as much as I want them to understand the process of discerning valid and relevant sources.

So once again I express my frustrations with technology. I am sure that the creators of Bing are well-meaning, I'm sure that they feel that our lives will be revolutionized because we will no longer be inundated with ads and filthy websites. But I'm okay with a little sifting, a thorough scan, as long as it means that my choices are not being censored and I can continue to strengthen my skills and those of my students.

The Journey

As I was pondering this idea on the way home, I was convinced, convinced, that I had written this post before. It seems like such a recurrent theme that I was sure that I'd pontificated on the idea previously, but apparently I was mistaken. Or at least I couldn't find the evidence that I'd blogged about it, so if you're having a very French, déjà vu -ish sort of thing happening, you are not alone.

Life is a journey. A metaphor we are all very familiar with, but one I don't happen to like. Yes it is quite accurate, and yes we are constantly walking through life's new adventures, but I don't like traveling the road. Journeys are about destinations to me. When I travel I have the get-there-as-soon-as-possible sentiment. Quick pit stops, eat food on the go, but let's not stop and look at anything on the way. We're going where we're going, let's get there!

Traveling is inconvenient. You can't account for how much time will be spent where, you can't control the circumstances along the way, you might have to wait in traffic or make a U-turn, you may get lost. Not to mention the physical discomfort that journeys bring, anxiously waiting for the next rest stop fearing your bladder may explode before then, a numb rear end that takes at least 20 minutes of walking to regain feeling, and legs that feel as if they've forgotten how to function.

But get me to a destination and I can settle in, find all of the good bathrooms, follow the maps, use my game plan, eat at the restaurants I've picked out ahead of time...be in control.

I am taking the analogy a bit far, but I feel quite the same way about life. I often feel like I'm living from destination to destination. From weekend to weekend, from exciting event to exciting event, from dating to engagement, engagement to wedding, wedding to graduation, graduation to law school...I am not so much a fan of living in the moment, which sounds horrible. Of course I like my moments and I try my best to savor them, but a little piece of my brain is always jumping to the next thing.

Once I was explaining to a friend how I hated being engaged. She asked me why? "You only get to be a fiancée for such a short amount of time!" I had not really ever thought of that before, I just thought about how much I was looking forward to being Herb's wife. I got so caught up in what was to come that I failed to live in what was. Plus there is such a feeling of achievement to having arrived, having accomplished what I set out to do.

But the thing is, I often struggle to stop and savor the accomplishment; instead I look at what did or did not work and begin setting new goals as to how to do it better next time. I begin plotting my new destination without appreciating the one I'm currently visiting.

One of the realizations I keep having is that I am not going to arrive, at least not in this lifetime. My life will truly be a series of journeys and I'm just going to have to live with that. And I think I'm going to need to do more than just live with it, I'm going to need to cherish the journey more. The process is what matters, as does the product. They are both equally important, but if I don't take the time to acknowledge the process I'll be missing out on an important piece of the product. Because process and product can't be separated I need to learn to appreciate them both. (Very déjà vu -ish here specifically!)

So I'm going to really try to enjoy the journey, enjoy where I am in life, and stop living for what will be. Because the surrounding scenery can be beautiful if I take the time to stop and look around.

AFTERWARD: There's a reason it felt so familiar...similar post, same title, 14 months ago, with ironically similar sentiments to my life now. When such themes are so prevalent it makes me wonder if I'm even growing and changing. When I'm singing the same tune so many months later has my melody evolved at all? Not sure, but read, compare and tell me what you think:
The Journey

My hands

I know this may sound bizarre, but I've always loved my hands. I like the shape and size, I like what they enable me to do. And I'm not the only person to recognize their value. Herb always tells me that he loves how soft my hands are, and many others have remarked similarly. Truly it is amazing that they are so soft because my hands are rarely at rest and are often immersed in hot, soapy water. So it is telling to me that my hands are losing their silky quality.

I noticed last week that my hands are more scaly, more wrinkly, not as smooth. And I think they have become the physical manifestation of my anxious spirit. I'm trying not to wash my hands unless there is good cause (going to the bathroom, food preparation), but I still think I'm overdoing it. I've never been an obsessive hand-washer, in fact I've mocked Herb many a time for that quality, but it's a current bi-product of my anxiety. As a result, the hands that I so cherished are beginning to crack.

I think my hands are symbolic of the goodness, the joy in my life that my anxiety is costing me. Satan is trying to use anxiety to steal the things that bring me the greatest joy and are the greatest blessing to others. Is it a coincidence that my areas of anxiety are the things that I use most to bless others, cooking, teaching, the works of my hands? I don't think so. I think Satan's trying to hinder my effectiveness, trying to stop me from blessing others, trying to hinder God's handiwork. He's trying to crack my spirit, my effectiveness, just as hand-washing has cracked my hands.

But if I've seen anything in this past year, I've seen God's ability to heal. Just like lotion will fill in the cracks in my hands, God will fill in the brokenness of my spirit. He will restore to me those things that bring me the greatest joy; I will continue to be His handiwork. His hands will heal mine.

Higher stakes and broken pedestals

Yesterday was a big day for me, a big day of realizations. These realizations are difficult for me to write about because they could easily be a source of shame. But they are part of my journey, a journey I've chosen to not be ashamed of, so they find their way here to this entry.

One of my favorite topics to teach on is the loss of innocence, those key moments in life where we come to new understanding or new maturity usually through a source of pain. A common moment of lost innocence is that experience when we find that someone we've placed so high on a pedestal takes action that breaks their statuesque state. Their pedestal breaks and they come tumbling down from the lofty image we once held of them. Often this is a parental figure or a mentor or a teacher, but I am having a unique broken pedestal experience. I have tumbled from my own pedestal, on which I felt so strongly secure.

This is difficult to admit, to own up to the idea that I had such a lofty image of myself, to admit that I believed I was invincible. It is partially difficult to admit because I lecture students all of the time about the feeling of invincibility, warning them that they can't survive anything and that they must make different choices. But my invincibility was of a different sort: I naively believed that I could protect myself from the pain and consequences of life. I believed that I was strong enough to hold those hurts and stings of sin at bay. But I, of course, was wrong.

I have discovered in this journey that I am the queen of self-protection. I proactively admit sin and mistakes in attempts to protect myself from consequences, hoping that if I own them first there will be greater mercy. I do not take risks that I feel may cause me pain because I am concerned about my precious self. I do not take emotional risks often, I do not put myself into situations where I might be too vulnerable for fear of being taken advantage of. And the thing is, it worked for a while, or at least I perceived it to be working. In a sense I guarded myself from fearful, difficult and painful experiences, to an extent. I, at least, felt like I protected myself from consequences that I couldn't handle.

The problem is that now the stakes are higher. Before I could seemingly protect myself from painful consequences because I was dealing with smaller issues. If I lied, it was only about a failure to complete a homework assignment. If I didn't pay a bill on time, it barely made a dent in my meager credit score. But now these seemingly same sins have ramifications that echo on a much larger scale. If I don't pay my bill on time they could take our house. If I make a mistake a work, I could lose my job. If I don't cook food properly, people could get sick. All of the sudden (not really...I've been an adult for a long time) stakes are higher and I lack the ability to contain the consequences.

Herein lies the problem, I, the great self-protector, can no longer protect anymore. I have to deal with the fact that I am broken. I have to live with the consequences of my sin. I can't shelter or hide from mistakes. I now have to rely on God to be my protector, rely on Him to help me through (not always save me) from the consequences of my sin. I can't do it any more, my position on the pedestal has been compromised.

There's also an even bigger problem. Because I have been striving to do all of these things for myself, when I have to begin to look to God to fulfill these roles, I don't recognize them in Him. It is not that He can't meet all of these needs, because He absolutely can and more, but rather that because I have not asked them of Him before they are new to me. I am being asked to say "God I can't protect myself from the pain of sin, please be Merciful." He is merciful, but I haven't given Him the chance to exercise that quality in my life before. Thus I am being retrained to trust in a wholly different experience of the same Holy God. It is no wonder then that this is hard; it is like beginning a new exercise routine, I'm training and feeling muscles that I didn't even know were there before. They are going to get stronger, but it is going to take time.

Although I'm broken as a result of my fall from the pedestal, there is a greater peace within me. There is a freedom in not desperately attempting to protect myself, there is a calm in knowing that I am broken and that's the reality of being human. But there is a struggle as well. I have to fight the urge self-protect, to try and control consequences. Instead I have to live through them, experience them, and allow God to use them. I have to trust that God will fill in the empty roles I've left, which means I have to resist taking those roles back. I have to thwart the desire for control and concede that I don't really have any. Even though these battles will be challenging, at least I can rest in knowing that I am not alone high up on my pedestal trying desperately to ward off my enemies and the stinging arrows of sin. Instead I have fallen into the arms of a loving Father whose arms are so much stronger and more comforting than my own. And while the stakes are higher, the rewards and blessings are that much greater.