Anger and Thanks

I promised an honest heart, so here it is, once again...

It was bound to happen. I've experienced a gamut of emotions through these last 6 months, sadness, loneliness, denial, acceptance, but not until these past few days, anger. But I have arrived at the anger station and today especially I have found myself having it out with God. I think the bulk of my anger stemmed from watching several friends of mine in the last week have babies or announce pregnancies. I am truly happy for each one of them, but so incredibly grieved for myself at the same time, and I have come to the place where I couldn't help but ask "Why me? Why is this so difficult for me?" I asked the dreaded why, the word I have so carefully been guarded from in the last 6 months. Yet here it was, the why, and the answers are of course absent. There isn't a clear why, at least not one I can define, so what do I do with this question? What do I do with this observation of the blessings that others seems to be so richly receiving? What do I do when I continue to live without this blessing? My heart's response is to get angry.

It's funny because I've preached often about how okay it is to be angry with God, how He can take it, and how when you enter into that argument with Him you open yourself up to the opportunity to be changed, to be enlightened to His purposes, and yet, I found myself ashamed of my anger; I thought it wasn't my place to be angry with God, He obviously had a purpose. So I tried to cover my anger, to conceal it, which is just pure foolishness. God of course can see my heart and hear my thoughts; He knew I was angry, and He was waiting patiently for me to tell Him so we could engage in a conversation about my frustrations. This morning in the car I finally owned up to my anger; I was honest with myself and God about my disappointments and heartache and anger. And it is no surprise that He heard me out, He let me speak my peace, but then of course He slammed me with truth. (This post will just serve as a reminder that when you get into an argument with God, you should prepare to lose, knowing that it will eventually lead to you winning, but in the moment you will feel like you've lost.)

It turns out that the solution to my anger is gratitude, an ability to be grateful for what He has given me, the blessings He has bestowed on me. This truth hurt because it revealed my heart, my unwillingness to be grateful. I've grown comfortable in my "woe is me" mentality, and believe me there is plenty to bemoan, but my groanings have left little room for my praise. I'm reminded of the song "Held" in which "this hand is bitterness, we want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrows." The bitterness I was so careful to avoid when losing Hope has crept its way into my heart in these last weeks. I allowed my sadness to turn to bitterness, hatred for my situation and the pain it brought with it. No wonder I found myself angry.

I think in large part my anger and bitterness can be attributed to my loss of hope in these last weeks. When the doctor told us to wait, I felt as if she told us there would be no hope for months on end. Without hope, without the anticipation of what could be, there is only sadness and bitterness. But the truth this, there is hope, it is just not the kind I'm looking for or necessarily wanting in my earthly self. There is hope that God will work His purposes, there is hope that God has a greater plan in mind, there is hope that God will bless me in the midst, there is hope of salvation that will reunite me with my babies someday. There is hope, it is just far less tangible than a child.

When we lost Hope, I asked people to come and visit me so that I would be reminded of the blessings I do have as opposed to focusing on the blessing I lost. I have failed to have that mindset in these past weeks; I have failed to focus on my blessings and have grown bitter and angry instead. So I do believe that it is time to be grateful, to show gratitude, to focus on my blessings.

I was reading the Psalms tonight and stumbled on Psalm 109. It begins with David's frustrated cry to God "O God of my praise, Do not be silent!" He goes on to frustratedly list the trials he is facing and the ways in which he is oppressed. But then he ends the Psalm with this "With my mouth I will give thanks abundantly to the Lord; and in the midst of many I will praise Him. For He stands at the right hand of the needy, to save him from those who judge his soul" (Psalm 109:30-31). David's response to his anger and frustration with the Lord is to give thanks, and as I am trying to follow his authentic example I hope to do the same.

I will offer praise for my blessings, I will seek to identify my blessings, my starfish, in my days. And yet I know that there is still a large struggle ahead of me. Because of where I am in my life I will continue to be inundated with the blessings of others, specifically in the area of children. It is so difficult for us as fallible humans to avoid comparison, to not hold what we have up to the mirror of what others have. I find it ironic that I am not usually one to do this with material goods, but I cannot step away from it in this realm. All I can do is pray that God helps me endure the absence of this blessing in my life, that He comforts me as my heart aches with its absence, that He protects my heart from growing bitter out of this anguish. And I have to pray because quite honestly I'm not sure that enduring this is something I can humanly do; I believe it must be something Someone greater than me must accomplish. But I can hope that if I seek to have a grateful attitude, God will not fail to help me along in this area of weakness.

So feel free to ask me how I'm blessed each day, and don't be afraid to make me stand there until I can tell you! Because I am blessed and I need to make a point to remember that truth, lest I find myself bitter and angry again. Thus "With my mouth I will give thanks abundantly to the Lord"!