Should Have

These past months I have found myself thinking "This week I should have..." Thoughts of the baby showers I "should have" had, or the baby's room I "should have" set up, or the belly I "should have" been sporting flood my mind on a regular basis. But I have been thinking about the phrase "should have"; it implies what was supposed to be. In other words, the words "should have" reflect a plan gone awry. In many ways, they are fitting. Our dreams and plans for Hope were taken away. What was "supposed to be" no longer is. I have been working diligently to replace my "should haves" to "would haves" because I am beginning to recognize that having Hope come April 7th was not what was "supposed to be."

This is hard to say and difficult to swallow, especially if you struggle to believe in God's plans. It is hard to admit that having Hope in our daily lives is not what God intended for us. It is hard to understand that having Hope here on earth was not God's greater purpose for her existence. But the truth is that Hope is exactly where she is "supposed to be". She shouldn't be coming to greet us on April 7th because she was meant to greet her Heavenly Father on November 10th. There is no "should have" for her life or for ours because we are living exactly in the middle of God's purposes for us.

While it is true that this month we "would have" been preparing for little Hope to arrive, we instead are walking with a deeper faith than we once had 4 months ago. Though we "would have" been waiting with great anticipation to meet our precious girl and see her smiling face, we now wait with greater anticipation of the day we arrive in Heaven and get to embrace her for the first time. And even though we "would have" loved having her physically near, we are overjoyed by the precious presence she has left behind in her wake, the unspeakable impact we see in her short little life.

I will still have those "should have" thoughts, they will creep in ever so slowly as a walk through every difficult day of this next month. But instead of being grieved over what "should have" been, I will smile with sweet sorrow over what is and what will be. I, of course, would love to have her here with me, but I know that she is exactly where she "should" be, in the embrace of her loving Heavenly Father.