Out of Control

I've been thinking a lot about control lately. In my profession the more control you have the more successful you are. Think about it...if I have good classroom management, control of my students behavior, then I'm effective in keeping my class on task. If I can control my students attentions and wield them carefully toward the standards I'm teaching, then I'm an effective instructor. I am applauded for the types of control I am able to exercise in my classroom.

As a result of this phenomenon and, you know, being human, I rather like being in control. Who doesn't? There's something safe about being able to predict and dictate my next move. I feel comfortable because I can change my surroundings to protect my heart, my physical self or the people around me. Whenever I feel out of control, I begin to wig out a bit. When someone broke into our car this spring, I felt violated because I could not be in control of my possessions. If I have to enter into a new situation that I'm unfamiliar with, I feel out of control because I do not know who I will encounter or how they will impact me.

I think if I had it my way (which I don't want because I'm truly not wise enough to handle that responsibility) I would be in control of as many things as I can. I would control who touched my things and when. I would control who I spent time with and what was discussed. I would control who could speak truth over me and who couldn't. But as I list these things I begin to realize how mundane that would be. My life would be boring, predictable. There would be no adventure, no meeting new people or experiencing new things. And as I said previously, I am not wise enough to truly know what I should and should not experience.

All that being said, I have the hardest time letting go of control. This book I'm reading, The Bait of Satan, the one I talked about last post, asks me to be less controlled about who I let in. It asks me to take the risk of being hurt, allowing people to love me and allowing myself to love them in return. It asks me to have faith that God is big enough to heal any wound experienced, to comfort any grieving I might encounter, to love me enough to fill in the loneliness. I want to, I want to have faith that big so badly. But it means letting go, and it means a sacrifice on my part. I have to sacrifice a little control to have a huge experience of God's presence in my life.

And when I think about the times that I've relinquished control and let God take the reins, I've seen unbelievable things happen! I think of the time I went to Spain and I decided to sit without my friends and just enjoy getting to know the person who randomly chose to sit next to me. I met remarkable people I might not have ever encountered without a leap of faith. I moved to Empire without knowing anyone but Krista and Jeremy but trusting that's where God would have me, and now I have awesome friends I could not live without and wonderful students who inspire me! I trusted Herb and God enough to love me for who I am, and now I have a life changing marriage that gives me great joy every day!

Taking risks has proven powerful in positive ways in my life. So why, oh why, can't I remember that each time God asks me to let go? Because I'm human, I'm sure is part of it. Because Satan doesn't want me to remember, which I believe is part of it as well. Or maybe it's because with each risk a new part of myself is vulnerable and that's a new type of scary. Maybe I lack the faith to transfer that previous experience to a new experience. No matter what the reason, I want to learn to be out of control! I want to learn to trust more and have great faith that the Lord will be all I need! So I echo the father of the ailing boy in Mark 9, "Master I do believe, help my unbelief!" And maybe experience by experience I will take more risk and engage more trust. At least this is my hope, I'll keep you posted on how this life long struggle goes. :-)

Addendum: So as my brilliant husband read my blog this morning he pointed out to me that I didn't come full circle to a conclusion that fit with my intro. He's so smart! I meant to get there but got lost in my ramblings. Nonetheless, here is my more fitting conclusion with a few ideas added from Herb:

So back to my classroom. What do I do with this contradiction of goals? If control is valued in the classroom, how do I take more risks in every aspect of my life? Well, sometimes what the world values and what God values are different things. But I truly believe that taking risks in my classroom makes me a better teacher as well. Think of the teachable moment when a student brings up a topic not at all in the lesson plans. If I were a control freak I might not take that as an opportunity to teach students something off script, but so much more is gained when I take a risk and talk about real world subjects with them. What if students want to sit on the floor and take notes rather than in desks? I let them because it doesn't really matter where they are learning just as long as they are invested. There is definitely a place for control in the classroom, but I think what makes a great teacher is the ability to discern when that time is and when it is okay to take a risk and let go of some of that control. And although to the outside world it might look crazy (allowing kids to sit on the floor, talking about real world topics with them), the payoff is just as big as when I take a risk in my personal life. God blesses all risk and all faith, even in my classroom. Thus I will continue to try and take risks in all areas of my life and remind myself that there truly is great gain in being out of control.