Baby Number 2

Herb and I lost Baby number 2 yesterday morning. Just one week ago, last Saturday, I took a pregnancy test and found out we were pregnant! I had early symptoms, but we weren't sure until last Saturday. Of course we were excited, and scared; Herb prayed over me and the baby and this time there were bittersweet tears as we remembered Hope and looked forward to this new baby. I was so hesitant to believe that this baby was coming, that he would be here. He was to be due on November 11th, just one day after Hope's birthday and I couldn't help marvel at God's timing. It, of course, did not escape His notice that this baby was due so near my first. I believed so clearly that God had a purpose for this baby. My first prayers over him were so different than my first prayers over Hope. These prayers were for this baby to be for God's glory; I recognized so clearly that God was in control of this baby and this pregnancy. That knowledge allowed me to begin to rest in God's plan.

We headed to Disneyland on Thursday, and Friday I was so happy, I was so at peace. I was able to enjoy those rides I could ride and meander through shops as Herb, Tedd and Lori rode the rides I couldn't. I was able again to dream of bringing our child there, this child there; I was able to see pregnant women and imagine that I might get to have that experience. I smiled and laughed during the fireworks. I ate yummy food to appease my hungry baby. I enjoyed wearing my "I'm Celebrating" button, and answering that we were expecting when Cast Members asked what we were celebrating. I was so excited, so at peace.

I awoke Saturday morning early to pee, again, and eat, and as I was lying there in bed I kept thinking how amazing it was that my perspective had so changed. The symptoms that once nagged me, I was now thankful for; I was thankful for them because they meant the baby was growing inside me. Again I prayed for the amazing purpose this baby would serve.

A few hours later I got up to use the restroom and shower for our next day at Disneyland, and I saw that I had started spotting. I called Herb in and he prayed, he told God that he wasn't sure our hearts could handle another miscarriage. He asked for healing. I called the doctor, but unfortunately my doctor wasn't on call. So I spoke to the on-call doctor and he told me it could be a number of things, but that we wouldn't be able to do any tests until Monday. He said as long as there wasn't cramping or tissue loss, things were fine, just take it easy and rest.

Shortly after that the cramping began and about an hour later I passed the baby. It was gruesome and horrible, and all I could do was sob. Losing this child was horrifying, horrifying in a different way than losing Hope was. There's nothing official about sitting in a hotel room having a miscarriage; there are no trappings of a hospital to validate your loss; there are no nurses to talk you through what is happening; there's just the knowledge that your world is crashing all around you. My loss of hope was familiar and my grief also well-known. In some ways I knew what gamut of emotions to expect. But this loss was also less public; very few people knew I was pregnant. I was grieving but no one else would know why. That was more horrible, the feeling that I had to try and hide my sadness.

I spent the day curled up in pain and sorrow on a hotel bed. Herb is at such a loss for words as he watches me suffer again and suffers so deeply himself. There just aren't any words left.

I decided that this baby needed a name; he was a real and valuable life to me and I needed to be able to recognize him as such. Even at only 5 and half weeks he had become part of our lives, part of our dreams. I have referred to him as a boy because I thought he was, unlike Hope we'll never know for sure. But I had spent most of the week thinking about Joseph, the way in which he believed and trusted God's purposes even when it looked as if nothing good could come of his situation, the way he never became bitter but with each step accepted God's desires for him. I was thinking so much about Joseph, and I love the name, so this baby, our second child, is Joseph. He will continue to represent our softened hearts towards God's purposes for our lives.

This morning I was just so overwhelmed with grief and it hit me: I am now grieving the loss of two children at the same time. How do I do this? How can I possibly withstand this much sadness all at once? What foolishness led me to believe that I could handle even the possibility of another loss? And I know, I know I trusted God with the timing of another pregnancy. I know that His timing, and this baby are a part of his plan, but I'm just not sure how to stand through the pain of this plan. I'm grieving Hope, I'm grieving Joseph and my heart is shattered into a million pieces.

I also know this: my God is good, I am under His loving protection, I asked God to use Joseph's life for His purposes, God has promised me many great things, God keeps His promises. As I ache, I do know these things, I know them with my head, now someone just needs to remind my heart.

I am asking for prayer, prayer as we grieve again. Prayer as we miss, and long and hope and dream. Prayer for continued and renewed hope. Prayer for peace in God's purposes. Prayer for God to come and hold Herb's heart and hold my heart. Prayer that we would continue to trust in God's goodness. Please just cover us, we need it.

This post is in memory of my little one Joseph Garcia.