Something's Changed

I had a few hours today to just be, by myself, outside, just me and God. I brought my devotional and my Bible and sat outside with my Creator. I read scripture and prayed and praised. This last word is an indication of how my heart has been changed.

There are marked differences between losing Joseph and losing Hope. There were different expectations, different lengths of time, different emotions altogether. But the most evident difference is in my heart; I am not the same woman I was 5 months ago.

As I sat with Jesus today, talking, sharing my heart, I had a new peace, an ability to be thankful. I could rest in His purposes, I could trust in His goodness in a far deeper and richer way than I was able to before. I did not need to question why, instead I just knew there was a reason and that God was working on it and through it and in me. I found myself not having to try to be thankful, but just being thankful--thankful for my Father who loves me, my Holy Spirit who comforts me, and the Son who walks alongside me.

Then I went to my counseling appointment and my counselor reminded me of a quote we talked about almost a year ago by Eugene Peterson:

"The assumption of spirituality is that always God is doing something before I know it. So the task is not to get God to do something I think needs to be done, but to become aware of what God is doing so that I can respond to it and participate and take delight in it."

My counselor asked me to focus on that last portion, taking delight in what God is doing. How do we take delight in such horrible occurrences? How do we delight in what God is doing when it causes so much pain?

So I asked, can we feel both sorrow for our circumstances and yet delight in what God will do in and through them? I think, and my counselor thinks, yes, we can. We can experience great sorrow as we grieve and yet find joy in the knowledge that God is doing something, something good, always. Even in the bad, God is working good, and we get to participate in it and take delight in it. And so somehow tonight, I have some joy, amidst my tears and my brokenness, I have some joy.

I truly believe God has a purpose for Hope's life, for Joseph's life; He is creating something beautiful. And do you know how I know? Do you know how I can believe in God's purpose and beauty? Because something has changed in my heart, I am not the same; there is new beauty in my heart as a result of Hope and of Joseph. His purpose for my heart was partially fulfilled as a result of these losses. This is how I can find peace, find joy, amidst my unspeakable sorrow. This is how I am changed.