Torn

I've been ruminating on this post for a while, but now is the first chance I've had to actually write it. Not to mention that God just reaffirmed the idea in my mind more today, prompting me to put thought to "paper". I am thankful for those good conversations with friends that remind me that one, I'm not totally crazy, and two, God is truly working on something. So here's my hopefully not totally crazy, God is truly working thought process.

Lately the best way I've been able to describe my emotions is torn. I feel torn between two emotions, two states of mind, two desires. In general it makes me feel slightly insane because the two conflicting emotions are so drastically at odds. They don't work together, they don't quite make sense, but they are both so very real. Here are some of my dueling realities:

I feel so incredibly torn between sorrow and peace. My heart is so tremendously broken over the loss of Hope; those moments of sadness are so intense and so hard to cope with. My heart aches and I wonder how my life will ever be the same again. But then I look at God and I experience peace, peace in knowing He's at work, peace in seeing His hand time and again, peace in trusting that His glory will win out. I don't truly understand how these emotions can co-exist, how I can feel anguished and broken, yet rest in knowing God is at work. How can I be striving so desperately in my heart to soothe the ache and still have a quiet in my soul knowing that God is with me?

I feel torn between emptiness and fulfillment. I can't explain how many times a day my heart feels hollow, empty. It's not just my heart either; I look at my stomach and I experience fully my empty womb. What was once full of life is now devoid of it. And yet I spend an afternoon with my husband, holding his hand, hearing his wise words, and my heart is brimming with love. I watch my family laugh and cry together and realize how satiated I am with affection and warmth. But the strange thing is that I can often feel both, simultaneously. My empty heart can throb but my eyes can also brim at the intimacy I share with others. How can I be full yet empty? How can I be filled up and still ache for more?

I also feel intensely torn between my own sorrow and others' joy. I wish I could explain the overwhelming despair I feel when I see another pregnant woman or watch other moms with their children. The deep grief I experience in realizing my lost opportunity, my lost moments, my lost journey is raw and unfettered. And I hate that feeling. I hate that I have a hard time even looking at a pregnant friend or family member. I hate that I have to avert my eyes or distance myself because the tears will start and not be able to stop. I hate that I find it hard to rejoice in others excitement, that hearing their new memories pains me so. But I am able to step back and recognize how joyous these events must be for them. I am able to hope for a beautiful, healthy baby and a rich life for their children. I could never wish my sorrow on any of these mothers. I am so very sad for myself and so bittersweetly happy for them at the same time. I live torn between my own grief and their rejoicing. I live in the in-between, pulled on by two desires, two very real truths. How can I weep and smile all at the same time?

I feel torn about grieving Hope and hoping for another child. I feel like my sadness is and should be very real for my little girl. I feel as if no other child will fill the place of beauty and wonder Hope brought to our lives. My heart believes that no experience could ever live up to the joyous and miraculous journey of being pregnant with my first, my little girl. And still, I feel that we must hope for another child; I feel like that would be the best way to honor Hope's name and what she offered to our world. I desperately want the experience again of discovering we're pregnant and dreaming of the life we might share with our child. Herb so wisely said that just because we're joyous about a new child, doesn't mean we will stop being sad about our Hope. But how is it that we can Hope and grieve in the same breath, in the same moments? How is it that we can love what we have and miss what was lost instantaneously?

Our thoughts and emotions are often at odds with one another. We can cry and laugh at the same time. We can love and hate someone in a given situation. We can be content and still dream of more. We have the God-given capacity to be both. I can only imagine how very torn God felt the day His son hung on the cross; what joy He must have known in reconciling His children to Himself, but what tears of sorrow He must have shed at the price that that reconciliation cost, His only son.

Maybe we are supposed to be torn, maybe it is part of living in this fallen world. We are able to know greatly the beauty of God's creation, His plan and His character, but we are also plagued with the knowledge of brokenness that sin brings to the world. We know both, we must live with both, and thus we should be torn.

I've come to terms with being torn, it is my reality for now, or maybe for always. Yet it is my hope that while I may be torn it will not be in a way that tears me from the arms of my loving Father.

Hope-full

One of my amazing former students wrote me this note. I am so incredibly moved by her words and the beauty in them that I asked her if I could share it. I am so blessed by Ellie and by her gift with words and by her uncanny ability to speak to my heart. I hope you also can appreciate her beauty. Thank you Ellie for touching my heart and allowing me to share your precious heart with others.

Hope-full

I must tell you that I think about her every day. I think of all the wonderful times we would have had when she was older and I could tell her all of the crazy stories I know about you, and joke that her mother is one big English nerd, and made me who I am today. I would tell her of all the love we all felt for her the minute we knew she was coming. I would tell her of all the love and pain we felt when she went straight to God instead.

You are a wonderful mother. I know she feels unbelievably loved and will never be forgotten, not even when we have others of your children to recollect stories to and to play with. I miss the times I would have come over and stared at her, because I know she would have been unbelievably beautiful inside and out like her mother.

I love you, and I know I'll see her one day and so will you.

Your daughter,
Ellie

Christmas without you

Journal 3:

Christmas will be different this year without you.

I can't even begin to explain how heartbroken I am to spend this Christmas without you. Christmas is my favorite time of year, and I had big dreams about sharing it this year and every year with you. But that is not to be. So let me tell you what I wanted to share with you and what I will miss.

First of all, I've always dreamed of being pregnant at Christmas. I wanted to know first hand the anticipation Mary felt in waiting for Jesus to come. I love the Amy Grant song Breath of Heaven and I just dreamed about how God would reveal to me how He had especially chosen me to carry you. He has shown me that but far differently than I had imagined.

By this time everyone would've known that you were my precious little girl, so I was looking forward to all things pink and girly under the tree. There would've been ornaments to hang about your arrival, documenting that you were to come soon. There would be things for the nursery and laughter and joy as we imagined designing your room just for you. Grandma being Grandma would've wrapped gifts for you and placed them under the tree. Of course you couldn't open them but that wouldn't stop her from beginning your love of Christmas early.

The whole build up to Christmas would be entirely different as well. This is our frist Christmas in this house but it also would be our first Chrismtas as a family. We had already purchased a cute Broncos snowman family to display--a husband, wife and little one. We aren't displaying that this year, it will remain in the closet because you aren't coming.

We did decorate but it wasn't the same without you. I was able to move furniture and lift the Christmas tree because I didn't need to protect you. Your dad got frustrated as usual putting the tree in the stand; if you were here I would've laughed and explained to you that this will be an every year occurence. We decorated the tree but I know that if you'd been here we wouldn't have waited a moment to take pictures--pictures of you inside me "helping" decorate for the first time; pictures of us as a faimly in front of the tree. These pictures would've been our Christmas card, a note to our friends celebrating the anticipation of your arrival. This year there won't be a Christmas card.

The White Christmas party will be different too. I was so looking forward to having you with me for the baking process. You would've known Grandma's voice and all of our favorite Christmas songs by the time the day was over. And we would've had another yummy food experience--I know you would've loved artichoke dip and People Chow. They're my favorites. And then we would've watched my favorite Christmas movie and you'd know those songs too. Aunt Kevyn and I would've made sure you heard the song Sisters--it's one of our favorites. All of my dearest friends would be there and I have no doubt they'd rub my belly. I was looking forward to that too.

I was so anticipating mornings with you and Jesus while we drank peppermint mocha and did our quiet time in front of the twinkling Christmas tree. Those moments are so precious to me and I wanted to share them with you.

I am also grieving advent without you. I know Grandma would've had fun little baby things for us to open each morning. And my advent shirt was to be different, it was designed to celebrate your arrival. But I changed it after you left and now wearing the new shirt brings me a bit of sadness. And I so wanted to fill your dad's advent with future father things. Instead I have nothing for Dad for advent. It makes me sad but I have no ideas.

This Christmas without you is absent of ideas. I have no ideas about what to get others. I know your Grandma Shelley wanted a portrait of your dad and I before you joined our little family. That's not quite the same now. I also don't doubt we would've purchased Grandma-to-be, Aunt-to-be and Grandpa-to-be items, not so anymore.

My lack of ideas especially extends to me. I have no idea of what I want for Christmas. All of my gift ideas involved you and now they're gone. I don't really want gifts under the Christmas tree; all I want for Christmas is you and I can't have that. So I believe Christmas morning will be bittersweet.

I'm trying so hard to still enjoy Christmas. I'm trying to allow my favorite Christmas carols to still warm my heart and try to push all of the baby references out of my mind. I am trying to enjoy decorating our house for the first time, accepting the emptiness that I feel in our house right now. I am going to try to enjoy presents Christmas morning but I know my heart will be heavy without you. I will try to enjoy as Grandma reads Twas the Night Before Christmas, even though you will be missing from the family gathered on the bed.

Please know that I am trying to enjoy these things for you, not in spite of you. I know that you fully understand that Jesus came that we might have life abundantly, so I am desparately trying to find abundant life. I am trying to honor your name because this season is above all about Hope. The Hope of our Jesus.

I will ache this Christmas season without you here. You will be missed in so many places and at so many moments, but I know you are part of a bigger celebration. Enjoy the angel's jubilation as the world celebrates the most precious gift, a baby who came that we might truly know life. I have a slightly greater glimpse of the power of God's gift this year and that is because of you.

Baby girl, I wish you were here to share in my favorite traditions but thank you precious girl for being my most treasured gift this year.

Merry Christmas Love,
Mom

Favorite Things

This is journal number 2:

Our relationship was special. I want to describe things we did together, what we enjoyed and some of our favorite things.

In some ways this question is difficult because our memories aren't the same as memories I share with others. But when I think back on my pregnancy there are many things I'm so glad we shared together.

For one, I am so very glad you came with me on baseball adventures new and old. We shared several games at Chase Field watching the D-backs in one of their worst seasons ever. But we ate hot dogs and ice cream and sang "Take Me Out to the Ballgame". We also experienced an amazing encounter with God at the Mercy Me concert at Chase. I felt so close to God that night and so very close to you.

We also went to two new ballparks together--Coors Field and Citizens Bank Park. You got to experience baseball with your Grandpa Don and Grandma Nancy who don't love baseball, but loved both of us enough to go see the Rockies. Another D-back loss we witnessed together. Then Dawn went on a big adventure with us to see the Phillies. I was so happy you were there sharing that new place with me, especially because your dad couldn't be. We ate some pretty yummy ice cream there too.

Your presence prompted my spirit of adventure and so off I went to Philly to visit Dawn. I'm not too keen on doing things alone, but I didn't feel alone--you were there. We strolled through the most beautiful art museum I've ever seen and I told you all about my favorite paintings. We spent hours in Constitution Hall and you humored me as I perused every display there. You wandered the city of Philly with me as we found the Liberty Bell, Independence Hall and Christ Church. You were such a trooper because we were both exhausted at that point.

Dawn went with us on our New York adventure. I'm so glad you experienced a Broadway show; the music was amazing, wasn't it? And we certainly did our fair share of walking that day, but it was worth it for the food...

Oh baby girl did we share food! You really were your mother's daughter in this area. From the get-go you were hungry all the time. I felt like I was constantly eating--yogurt, pretzels, nuts, granola bars--but you did not like chicken. Rotisserie chicken and I may never be the same again after you. But boy did you love avacado and guacamole-yum!

Although we had some rocky food moments (did I mention you weren't a big fan of sugar?) we shared some good meals. You loved pizza and just like Mom and Dad, you loved your Old Chicago. There was also the Philly Cheese steak with Dawn as well as that delicious lemon and caper chicken in New York. And you sweetly let your Mom eat a huge peanut butter sundae at Serendipity--thank you for that.

Our experiences were so limited. I never even got to take you to my happy place--Disneyland. But I am so thankful for the time I had with you. I enjoyed showing you off to others; you gave me a cute little belly. I enjoyed talking to you, explaining who people were and telling you about how things would be when you arrived. I loved singing to you--I hope those songs echo in your heart forever. I enjoyed worshiping with you inside of me; your presence gave me a greater glimpse of our God. I loved talking to your dad about what you'd be like, who you'd be and what I was looking forward to doing with you.

Thank you for being my constant companion for 19 weeks. The moments we shared I will treasure always. I wish there were more, I wish I could fill this book with stories of our adventures, I wish that all of my heart. But God has different adventures in store for you. May you frolic and sing and talk and read and hug and dance with our Jesus. Practice for me because when I get to heaven I will need you to teach me. We will share all of those things together someday sweet girl. I can't wait!

I love you sweet girl,
Mom

Journaling

My counselor encouraged me to journal through my grief process, so I've started a hand-written journal. There is something therapeutic about hand-writing my thoughts, but I do love the authenticity of sharing my heart via blog. So I'm going to try and track my thoughts in both places. Below is my first journal entry. Thanks for sharing this journey with me.

I want to begin this journal describing who you were and what you meant to me.

Who you were started long before your conception. Your dad and I made a bet when we were first married that I wouldn't last six months without talking about my dreams of having children. Your dad underestimates my will and I won, but it was only because I didn't open my mouth when those dreams came to mind.

After that I did often talk about wanting children. I looked forward with great anticipation and longing to the day we would be Mom and Dad. There was much waiting attached to that dream--waiting on me to finish college, waiting on your dad to finish law school, waiting on a house, waiting on a job, waiting...

But the day we discovered we were pregnant our waiting had all been worthwhile. You were here, you were growing inside of me and you were on your way to meet us. I tried to contain my excitement, tried to hide how overjoyed that this moment had come. After all, we had no guarantee that you were a sure thing, at least not until we heard your precious heart beat.

So at first we told our most trusted family and friends. Grandma and Aunt Kevyn were just tickled pink to welcome you to our world, maybe I should say ticked blue because almost everyone was convinced you were a boy. Even your dad was certain you were a boy, but I knew differently. I knew you were a precious little girl, my little girl. I had always thought I wanted a boy but when I became pregnant with you the desires of my heart changed. I wanted my little girl, I wanted you. We were going to be a mother and daughter pair equal to my mom and me. I couldn't wait to watch you twirl and sing and hold my hand as you told me your stories, because I knew you'd be a great storyteller like your momma.

The more people we told, the more excited others grew in anticipation of you and the more my excitement grew. The day we heard your heart beat was a magical day. We went to see Dr. Riley with great anticipation in our hearts and we waited with baited breath as she searched for your tiny heart beat. And there it was! Confirmation that you were there and growing and ours! The look on your daddy's face was so tender--he was so excited that you were here! And that is when we decided to tell the world. We told everyone. It was impossible to contain excitement like that--the joy of you just overflowing from our hearts, our faces. You were to be our first born, our precious life-changing miracle. You were going to change everything, in the best way possible.

You meant fulfilling my life's dream, fulfilling my heart's desires. I was going to leave teaching to stay at home with you. Your arrival meant a new job description for me. Your arrival meant feeling less alone in so many ways. It meant I would finally know and understand the experience of carrying a child and being a mother--I would no longer be standing outside of the mother club looking in. Selfish I know, but it was one of the things you brought me.

Your arrival was and did rock my world. You meant a new walk in life. You meant a deeper understanding of God, of the sacrifice of His son. You meant new joys, new ways of looking at life. You meant new worries, new things to think about, new challenges. You meant HOPE, the anticipation of great things. You were your name long before we gave it to you. You embodied your name and lived up to it in so many ways.

I speak and write about you in the past tense but you are also present. Your presence bring Hope. I can see it as I talk about you, people are inspired, encouraged, enlightened, uplifted. You are a reminder of how beautiful life can be, how precious each life truly is. You are a reminder to be thankful for and love who we have. You are my Hope, you give me Hope and you remind me so often of the Hope found in my Jesus.

I think it's important to write about another precious aspect of who you were. You had Down's Syndrome and I hope you can see that this in no way defines you. It isn't what I think about or see when I imagine you, but it is a part of who you were. I'm not sure how it's possible because I loved you so very deeply in the first place but when I discovered this truth about you, I loved you all the more. Your Down's Syndrome would have been a challenge, yes, but it would've made you more beautiful with something so uniquely special to offer this world. I know that you had deep capacity for love and that would've been and was such a gift to my heart, and I can't even imagine the impact your love would've had on the world. I have no doubt that you are loving people to pieces up there in heaven. Almost every vision I have of you is of you running with open arms to hug someone, Jesus, me, Aunt Kelly and so I am certain of the love you are spreading around heaven.

My little one, I want you to know that you were my Hope and my dreams, you were what I longed for, you were my heart's desire. But my deepest desire when I think about it was that you know the Lord and now you have that so perfectly and immediately. So thank you for fulfilling my heart's desire. Thank you for bringing me joy, hope and anticipation, for being my first. And thank you for allowing us to meet you, hold you, cherish you, love you. It is a joy and an honor to be your mom. You gave me that title you know--Mom. Without you I wouldn't have that. But because of you I know the love of a mother for her child--it is a fierce love, one that I am grateful to know and grateful to have for you. And because of you, dear one, I more fiercely know and love my Savior. I more deeply understand His love, His grace, His mercy, His comfort. These are all gifts you've given me. You've abundantly blessed my life and for you I will be forever grateful. I will love you always, even as life passes on; you will be and are always in my heart.

I love you my Hope,
Mom

Musings Part 3

-One must be a glutton for punishment to go to Disneyland after losing a child; it is after all the land of children of all ages. I lasted 5 minutes before I broke down crying after seeing a mom and daughter interact in the bathroom.

-The hardest part of this loss is grieving the dreams you had for your child. The hard part is that some of the dreams you've identified and some you haven't even thought of. Here are some of the dreams lost that I experienced this weekend:

*Taking my daughter to Disneyland and watching her face light up at each of the characters

*Watching Hope's face as she watched fireworks; there is nothing as magical as a child's face as they watch fireworks

*Sharing all of my favorite Disneyland places--Peter Pan, Small World, Pirates of the Carribean

*Holding her hand; this one kept coming to me over and over again

*As I listened to each of my family members interact with my cousin's daughter, I grieved not getting to hear them play with Hope. I will miss out on her laughter as they tickle her or chase her. I will miss out on hearing my Aunt Kasey sing songs, real and made up, to Hope. But the one that is overwhelming to think about is not getting to hear my mom call Hope "Pumpkin-diddle", her nickname for me growing up.

*Hearing Hope say "Momma"

*Sharing holiday traditions with my little girl, traditions that have meant so much to me.

-Do you know how many Christmas songs are about being pregnant, giving birth and newborn babies? I do.

-I didn't cry nearly at all yesterday and when I got to the end of the day I felt badly about that. I shouldn't but I did.

-I've been trying to not distract myself from pain or ignore it, but it was the only way to survive Disneyland. I guess I've got to do what I need to do to get through some days.

-Herb's grief looks different than mine, but once I figured it out it was a beautiful sight to behold.

-You know my family is good at grieving because they always carry soft tissues.

-Most women claim that their body shape changes after pregnancy but they don't mind so much because they have this beautiful baby. My body shape has definitely changed and it just makes me all the more sad.

-The thought of making a list of material things I want for Christmas is very difficult for me. I don't really want any material things and the one thing that I want that isn't material I can't have.

-I still want to decorate for Christmas but I don't really have any inspiration for gift giving this year. Will people understand if I don't give at my normal creative capacity? I sure hope so.

-I have experienced God's comfort and rest in the midst of this. I am thankful for much needed rest and for a place to retreat when I am too overwhelmed.

Musings of a grieving woman-part 2

-I hate getting dressed in the morning because none of my regular clothes fit and I don't want to wear pregnancy clothes. I usually end up in tears.

-I feel a lot of pressure, mostly from myself, to have a plan and know what I should be doing. The pressure doesn't help the already difficult decisions I have to face.

-I think often about the trying again process, and it leaves me with so many questions:

*Would I want a boy or a girl? I was so convinced Hope was a girl and I wanted that little girl so badly. What if I did have another girl? Would I feel like she was replacing Hope? What if I have a boy? Would I be sad to miss out on the experience of my little girl? I'm sure I will feel blessed with whatever child God's given me, but I still question...

*People say you make room in your heart for a second child, that your love grows to encompass them both. How does it work to make room in my heart for my second child when I don't even feel like I've had the full opportunity to be a mom of my first?

*How on earth would I survive if this happened again?

*How do I honor Hope while enjoying the process of having another child?

-This week is going to really suck. I'm grieving the loss of the week in which we were supposed to see our baby for the first time on sonogram. I'm grieving the loss of the opportunity to announce her gender to our family and friends. I'm grieving the excitement that Wednesday was to bring. I'm grieving that my family won't get to meet my little girl and rub my belly. I'm grieving this week...

-I was thinking about what a uniquely cool experience I will get to have when arriving in heaven. I will get to meet my baby in her glorified body and embrace her truly for the first time. Yet another piece of heaven to look toward eagerly. I can't wait Hope, I can't wait!

-During worship last night I was convicted that I can't make my grief and my Hope an idol in my life. Instead of becoming consumed, I need to focus more on God's hand in all of this, how He is working. Not exactly sure how to do that, but I'm trying...

-Last night at church our pastor encouraged us to thank God for the hard things in our lives. I wonder, do I have to get to the place where I can thank God for my miscarriage? For taking my Hope? I'm not sure if I can get to that place...I can absolutely thank Him for the things His doing around and through this, but I'm not sure I can thank Him for taking her away.

-The only way I can reconcile or be at peace with this situation is to believe that it is for God's glory. It is my only current comfort.

-I'm thankful for the deep reassurance God has placed in my heart of His existence and power and love and mercy and hope. Without them, I'm not sure I could walk through the bouts of silence and hurt.

-What will Disneyland be like for me this week? Will it still be the happiest place on earth? Will I still be able to find joy there? Or will I be unable to enjoy, unable to experience happiness? I hope I can enjoy, or is it rather that I hope I can allow myself to enjoy it.

-I'm looking forward to being with my family this week. For lack of a better way to put it, they are good at grieving and I will appreciate and take comfort in their grieving alongside of me.

Musing of a grief sticken woman-part 1

I have many small thoughts that hit me like a semi-truck or things that run through my mind that I feel like sharing. This is my forum for these thoughts.

-Most women would rejoice that they fit into their pre-pregnancy pants; I sat on the floor of my bedroom and cried.

-Yogurt was my pregnancy food; it helped keep the nausea at bay and kept me from getting hungry while sleeping. Eating it now is hard, and I just don't want to.

-I keep speaking about my pregnancy in the present tense and then I remember...

-I used to look at my belly in the shower thankful that it was growing; now I look down and wish it were there.

-What do I do with things like the pregnancy test, things that we kept with such joy?

-I keep remembering things I've said throughout my pregnancy that are painful to think of now. Examples: "What an amazing blessing that no woman in our Bible study has miscarried." " All of these women are having their second babies, I think one would be more than enough for me."

-"What if" questions may be worse than "why" questions. Both occur far too frequently.

-The people who come by remind me of how blessed I truly am. If it weren't for them, I'd get too lost in the blessing I've lost.

-I can't imagine going through this with anyone but Herb. I am married to the sweetest, most gentle and patient man. He is one of God's greatest gifts to me.

-My attention span is very small. I can't stay focused on one thing for too long. Very unusual for me.

-Music gives me words to talk to God when I have none. I'm thankful for that.

-I think about dumb things like "I haven't shaved since the miscarriage" and I am resistant to doing those things, like it will somehow change what already is.

-I don't miss work at all; it's a very strange phenomenon.

That's all I got for now.

Loss

I know I haven't posted in a while, in fact I haven't posted since becoming pregnant. And now here I am posting after the loss of my little Hope at 18 weeks of pregnancy. I am not really as coherent with my thoughts as I'd like to be, but I did want to share this vision I had yesterday. It has been precious in holding my heart up these last 24 hours.

I was listening to a CD made for me, I call it For Hope, and one of the songs was talking about how she couldn't see God, but in actuality He had been standing beside her crying along with her. When I started to think on that, this image popped into my head:

I started to imagine God last Monday, watching me live through my day as usual, knowing what I was about to find out Monday afternoon. I imagine how grieved His heart was knowing the pain I was about to endure. I imagine Him wanting to rescue me from it, but knowing it was too late, everything had been set in motion. So He just sat, and watched me, and cried as I found out the most earth shattering news possible. He is my Daddy, just like I am Hope's Mommy and Herb is Hope's Daddy, and I know that more than anything in the world He wanted to ease our pain.

For some of you this image might not be comforting, but for me it reminds me of God's character. He is gentle, loving, and we are so very precious to Him. So when I am angry or when I am hurting or when I am lost or when I am hopeless, I try and remember God's gentle hand wiping away my tears as He weeps along with me.

History

God is full of non-coincidences this week! My anxiety has been much lower for the past ten days, and I could point to many different factors, but I think the most important is history. I know it sounds odd, but when I went through and re-read my blog entries I was reminded so much of how faithful God has been to me. I could see how He's worked through so many trying circumstances to create good. It was evident the love and care He has for me.

Then I've been focusing on the first lyrics of the Watermark song "Who Am I?"

Over time you've healed so much in me and I am living proof
That although my darkest hour had come Your light could still shine through
Though at times its just enough to cast a shadow on the wall
Lord, I am grateful that you shined Your light on me at all

He has healed so much in me, and in my darkest hours I've seen Him shine. These words have just reverberated in my heart.

Also being back in the classroom has reminded me that historically I've been a strong teacher, not perfect, but strong. I have a sense that in general I know what I'm doing, which eases much of the stress and anxiety of the job.

But all of this was just theory until we watched the Truth Project this week. The topic for this week's lecture was: History. Dr. Tackett spent this week explaining how history is one of our most powerful links to the Lord. He points to the many instances where God asks His people to remember His goodness to them. The celebration of Passover to remember how He spared the first born child, the celebration of communion to remember the sacrifice of Christ. Remembering is important to God because it is good for us.

He then discussed the way in which the enemy tries to shake us, by revising history, causing us to forget. Dr. Tackett points to the first instance of turning from God--the Serpent told Eve that she did not remember correctly what God had instructed her. He revised God's words and twisted them to create doubt. When we can't remember God's goodness and faithfulness, we doubt them, which is not a reflection on God but on us. This is why it is so important that we remember our story and the greater story we are a part of. Our history is important.

Finally in my "do not fear" study I stumbled upon this passage in Isaiah 51:12-16:
I, even I, am He who comforts you
Who are you that you are afraid of man who dies
And of the son of man who is made like grass,
¹³That you have forgotten the LORD your Maker,
Who stretched out the heavens
And laid the foundations of the earth,
That you fear continually all day long because of the fury of the oppressor,
As he makes ready to destroy?
But where is the fury of the oppressor?

¹⁴"The exile will soon be set free, and will not die in the dungeon, nor will his bread be lacking.

¹⁵"For I am the LORD your God, who stirs up the sea and its waves roar (the LORD of hosts is His name).

¹⁶"I have put My words in your mouth and have covered you with the shadow of My hand, to establish the heavens, to found the earth, and to say to Zion, 'You are My people.'"

Fear comes when we forget, when we forget how Sovereign and powerful our God is, when we forget that He has covered us in the shadow of His hand, when we forget that we are His people. But freedom comes when we remember.

All experiences point to remembering my history. So right now, I'm focusing on my story and the greater story I am a part of. I'm trying to remember God's faithfulness and goodness. And I'm working on recognizing the revised history that Satan is trying to use against me. Our God is faithful and His story is good; it might not be safe, but it is good. I want to be a part of history, His story for our lives.

A job!

Just in case you haven't read via facebook, Herb got a job offer yesterday at the legal defender's office! I'm just overwhelmed at the way God honored our willingness to wait on Him and also our willingness to step out in faith, take risks, and His response to those risks. We bought a house on complete faith that God would provide our funding and He has. He is faithful, always has been, always will be. But I also recognize that He's faithful regardless of positive circumstances, and yet it is in moments like these that I am so humbly reminded. My plans are far from perfect, but God's timing is breathtaking. Praise God for His faithfulness and His goodness!

Another non-coincidence

I really don't have time to write, but I feel so compelled to share how God coincides moments of my life. I've been listening diligently this week to Watermark's All Things New CD, one of my favorites. Specifically I wanted to listen to Who Am I? after reflecting on the lyrics in reading through my old blogs. But I also happened upon many other amazing songs, specifically You are My Stronghold. They just resonated with where I am right now. Here are the lyrics:

Lord you are my light and my salvation
Whom shall I fear if you are near
Lord you are my peace when there is war all around me
And even here inside me I will have no fear

Oh Lord you're my protection from my enemies
You set me high upon a rock and You defend my soul
And when their ways advance against me
I am confident that they cannot make me less, for you have made me whole
O Lord, you are my stronghold
You are my stronghold

Lord you are my strength so let my head be lifted up
That I may glory in the ways you've overcome
Lord you are my home because you've created in me,
a heart that lives the victory that you've already won

I've also been reading through the "Do not be afraid" passages in scripture (there are 365! Isn't that amazing!?) I happened upon Psalm 27, which is the passage that most of these lyrics are drawn from. The words are so powerful! AND there is also a passage from one of my favorite songs in high school, One Thing that I Ask, that used to get me through tough times. I don't think these words resonating in my heart in different forms is anything less than God's providence, and I just find that exciting!

Who I Am

Last night I started a journey through old blog posts. I just felt compelled to read over my writing journey and see where God has led me. Through this, I'm sure God-prompted, process I found something magnificent that I had most definitely lost--me. In re-reading my thoughts, my words, my experiences, I was reminded of the hopeful, God-filled Katie that I once had been. I've been desperately grabbing at her with head knowledge and foolish and seemingly logical wisdom, instead of reaching for the core of who she is--her heart. And this walk through who I have been has pointed me back to the core of who God is--His heart. I've so forgotten the ways He has been faithful, the powerful ways that He has grown and changed me, the fulfilled promises in my life. I've been so consumed with the things that could be that I've forgotten to look at what once was.

This process left me with a greater peace than I've known in a long time. I remember now the beauty of the God I serve, and I remember the beauty of the Godly woman that is in me. I'm going to paste below the pieces of various blogs that have reminded me of poignant aspects of my character or God's that are so comforting and renewing to me. If you'd like to join in my journey feel free. It might be a long journey, but these words have been healing, all of them, so I want to give them the credit they deserve. This is who I am:

Hope-I am Hopeful
My Hope comes in the faith that the events of my life, of the lives of people around me, are with great purpose. Yes there's consequence to action, yes there's temptation and meddling by Satan, but more importantly there's Hope in what God will do in my life through this situation.

Love Actually-I am loving
This post is more of a prompting and reminder for me to be ever vigilant in watching for love. One moment can sustain a whole day, and it is a collection of these moments that sustain a lifetime. Our purpose on this earth is love actually, and I don't want to miss the opportunity to give or receive love.

My Logic-My reasons for teaching are powerful...
So is it time consuming to be a high school teacher? Yes. Do I feel worked to the bone and often unappreciated? Yes. Do I often wonder if I make a difference in my day to day? Yes. But do I believe I am living out God's will? Yes. Do I believe that I have a great power and influence over the lives in my classroom? Yes. And is it worth the sacrifice? Absolutely.

So if you wonder where I am daily, why I'm often not as responsive as I should be, why I'm exhausted and asleep by 8 o'clock, the answer is I'm loving kids. I'm finding their quirks and adoring them as they are. And I am proud to live in the footsteps of Jesus and in the example of my Aunt Kelly. I hope that one day children will know Jesus by His love that they experienced through me.

In Over My Head--I'm trusting in God's plan for me...
He had a plan, He had a dream for me with a desire to see me thrive and live life abundantly. The Lord will supply all my needs, according to His riches and glory. I need to trust that. And what really needs to happen in my head and in my heart is this: I need to let go of my worries and fears and let God be in control of what this year will be. Am I any good at this particular task? No. But do I want to be? Yes indeed I do. Thus, I am going to try my hardest not to worry about the year to come and instead I'm going to trust that God will take care of it. He does have a plan.

Over time you've healed so much in me
And I am living proof
That although my darkest hour had come
Your light could still shine through
And though at times it's just enough to cast a shadow on the wall
Lord I am grateful that you shined Your light on me at all

Uncensored-I am constantly learning how to give myself grace...
I know that I'm harder on myself than anyone else is. Herb constantly says "I've forgiven you, why haven't you forgiven yourself?" And it's a fair point, one that I'm sure God is trying to make to me through Herb. So maybe I just need to cut myself some slack and let it be okay that I'm still wounded. And I guess that's what this blog entry was designed to accomplish. If I admit that I am struggling to give myself grace and that I'm still in pieces, then maybe I will feel less ashamed at my imperfections. And maybe it's not even an imperfection so much as a weakness or a struggle. But either way, it's okay that I'm not healed and I'm sure that you all would say the same to me. I just need to continue to repeat that to myself and hopefully this is my first step in granting myself grace.

Out of Control-I am still learning to let go of control, but I'm learning...
Taking risks has proven powerful in positive ways in my life. So why, oh why, can't I remember that each time God asks me to let go? Because I'm human, I'm sure is part of it. Because Satan doesn't want me to remember, which I believe is part of it as well. Or maybe it's because with each risk a new part of myself is vulnerable and that's a new type of scary. Maybe I lack the faith to transfer that previous experience to a new experience. No matter what the reason, I want to learn to be out of control! I want to learn to trust more and have great faith that the Lord will be all I need! So I echo the father of the ailing boy in Mark 9, "Master I do believe, help my unbelief!" And maybe experience by experience I will take more risk and engage more trust. At least this is my hope, I'll keep you posted on how this life long struggle goes. :-)

Coincidence-I am constantly looking for God's hand in my life, and I am beautiful...
All of my ramblings to get to this point: God is constantly working and to expect to know the reason right away is ridiculous because if I knew the reason I might be more resistant to the events that lead up to that purpose.

So I truly believe I have a beautiful piece of God's character in desiring everything to be interconnected. It gives me great Hope to find life to be more than just a series of coincidences. Thus if I ever begin questioning what role this has in God's plans for me, just say "Hey Katie, coincidence? I think not."

Music from the Heart-I love the power music has over me!
It's amazing how powerful music is to my heart. I can't explain the ways that a song can touch me in a manner that nothing else can. I can listen to lyrics and be moved to tears, moved to laughter, moved to dance or moved to raise my voice in praise. I have to believe that music is one of those precious gifts granted to us by our precious Lord. Without it, I'm not sure what I'd do. When asked which sense I'd rather lose, hearing or sight, although baffled by the depth of this question, I have to ultimately choose sight, because without song I fear my soul would be weakened.

Food Glorious Food-Food is how I love people, and I love to love people this way!
But more than an unnatural cure for difficult situations, I like to use food to express my love and care for others. So if I bring you a pan of rice krispie treats, it's because I'm stuck to you. If I bring you a plate of brownies, it's because I think you're sweet. I try to choose foods that reflect tastes and interests that I remember about the person I'm cooking for. Be it vegetarian, dislike for sauces or a food allergy to cilantro, I have your best interest at heart. Thus, if I invite you over for dinner, it's because I want you to be a part of my life. If I feed you, it's because I love you. It won't always be fancy, it won't always be decorative, and it might involve salad out of a bag, but even if it's not fancy, know it's heartfelt.

My First Graduate-I am blessed by my role as a teacher
What a blessing! I have no more words to describe my emotions right now except to say that I have an awesome job, and God has given me these students to change my life. I am blessed.

Miss Jane Austen-I love to read!
All there is left to say is, thank you Jane Austen! Thank you for inviting me into a world so vivid I do not even want for imagination. Thank you for using your words to craft characters who reach the core of my being. Thank you for creating books designed to be timeless. You are a gift to readers and especially a gift to me. I look forward to being lost in your worlds many times over!

See the Beauty-I am inadequate but also uniquely created to orchestrate part of God's beauty!
God in His infinite wisdom and love for beauty has created unique creatures, each designed for a specific purpose. He has gifted me to touch the lives of some in my circle of influence, but He's created others to do the same. How beautiful each and every one of us are for vastly different reasons! How precious are we each created to serve unique purposes in this world! I want to focus on the beauty in others, instead of judge their shortcomings because God has a purpose for their beauty despite their flaws. And the same goes for me; God has a plan for me in spite of my inadequacies.

Beauty is often found in brokenness. When we see a Phoenix rise from the ashes, or a tear stained toddler's face smile as he tries to walk again, there is beauty amidst the pain. I believe there is beauty all around us, in each person we encounter, in each image our eye takes in. But I believe God's crowning glory, the height of His beauty is in the heart of man, and man is broken. We are God's masterpiece, and even the dark lines that brush their way through our stories provide more definition and depth to the painting. "In brokenness comes beauty, divine fragility, reminding me of nail scarred hands reaching out to me." Again, the darker parts of our lives, whether they be sin or struggle, yield beautiful depth to God's creation.

Essays Done!-I am intimately known and cared for by God!
God so intimately knows my heart and needs. He is well aware of my schedule and what needs to be done, and He will take care of it if I put my faith in Him. So I'm elated to say that my essays are done and God has cleared my schedule for more important things, like my relationships with people. God so totally rocks, dude! (If you missed the Disneyland reference there, you need to come on our next trip! I'm sure it's on the horizon!)

Put Together Katie-I am authentic
So I'm not going to exhaust myself striving to show a tough exterior to the world. I don't have that kind of energy to give. Instead I'm going to be honest with myself and with those around me. Is this easier? No way. It may be harder, much harder, but this time the work is that of the Lord's to heal me, and less of my wrestling to keep up a front. And as for others' response to my new found unguarded self, "their response is not my responsibility." (Thanks mom for the positive nag!)

Fire-I want to be refined and thus more beautiful and flavorful
So why then not me? Why is it my instinct to run from fire? Why do I fear the trials so?

Although the fire is essential for creation, it doesn't make it gentle and tender. Some flames are, but very rarely will anything suffer fire without being burned or scarred in some way. But the end result is far more beautiful and flavorful than what went in. There's nothing appetizing about raw meat, but once exposed to the flame, nothing look so good as a char-broiled burger.

Decision Making-My decisions aren't all bad
For example, my planning last night, the two distinct paths, both of them are good. Both of them would be valuable to the kids. But which one would be best? And when I do decide, I'm stuck. This decision stays with me the rest of the semester. So much pressure!

But really, not. I mean, as I said before, both are good options. The kids won't be scarred by a wrong decision. So why do I dwell? Why question? I don't know...all I can say is this: I'm working on it. And hopefully one day my theory will come true and teaching will have converted me into a decisive person. But maybe, just maybe, I have to decide to be decisive. If so, help me God!

Hold Me Now-Even though I am weak, I am also strong
There's a lot here, but the most powerful piece to me is that it is the same heart the one that feels love so deeply and the one that so deeply grieves. It is sometimes our most beautiful attributes that can make us weak. It is the most precious gifts from God that can easily be corrupted. But that's why God meets us where we are and fills in those gaps. He, as Jennifer Knapp so gracefully puts it, holds us NOW.

Specifics-I am about changing and growing, even if it comes at a cost
I'm going to try to embrace my specific imperfections as opportunities to grow and not as reasons to be ashamed. That doesn't mean the specifics won't hurt, but it does mean that I'll try to remember that growth hurts. The pain will be a symptom of my ever-changing heart, which will bear testimony of my growth toward God. And that's a specific I can really get behind.

The Underdog-I LOVE hope!
As I was just typing that last paragraph, it came to me, why I root for the underdog. The answer is hope. I love to have hope, and rooting for the team less touted, rooting for the guy less equipped, rooting for the weaker vessel affords the opportunity for hope. This must be how Jesus feels about us; constantly cheering on the underdog. As we know from scripture, he doesn't choose the smartest, most powerful men to lead his people. He chooses the underdog. So maybe that's it too. Maybe my cheers for the underdog echo Christ in me. How cool!

I Have Hope-Maybe I've finally let down my guard and experienced the pain, but now it's time to allow the healing power of hope to consume me.

Then the following conversation occurred:

Jesus' response to me "Don't guard your heart that way!"

"But you gave me hope. I'm using it."

"Yes, but it's not an escape. You still have to feel it."

"What do you mean 'feel it'? I'm feeling it."

"Are you? Remember pain has a purpose."

End of conversation. Jesus was right. (I know, oh so surprising!) While hope is an amazing gift it can't be a scapegoat. I can't hide behind hope as a means of not experiencing the pain and realities of the situations I face. Because the pain has a purpose and if I don't allow myself to experience the pain I won't grow.

I began to process this more and I thought about how scary this could be. It is important, invaluable to allow myself to experience pain. However it is also invaluable to protect my heart or allow God to do so. It is important to not allow the pain to consume me, consume my thoughts or dictate my attitude. I must find a balance.

Ah, that word balance. It pops up everywhere in my life. Yet it's true; it's imperative that I allow the pain to have it's purpose, and allow Jesus to give me hope. I can still have hope. It is still a tool that Jesus is going to use, but I can't hide behind it. I have to allow the pain to have a purpose, and the growth the results can be yet another source of hope. I do have hope, but I'm now going to use it as God intended, not abuse it to spare me pain.

Topics of Conversation-I love to be known and to know others!
I love that feeling, the feeling that somebody gets you. It sometimes the joy I find in teaching; the moment when the students "get" what I'm saying is magical. The same goes for our easy going conversation tonight. There were no pretenses, no facades, just authenticity. I have the inclination that this feeling wasn't derived from our topic of conversation, but rather the friends I was with. Although the topic is important and the details are often telling, the happiness and comfort comes in the time spent; the time spent becoming more fully aware of each person's idiosyncrasies or ways of thinking. So while our topic of conversation allowed us the insights, it was the simplicity of being together that made the evening what it was, an amazing experience of feeling loved.

Real Love-I strive to love others, even if I'm far from perfect at it.
Love isn't what happens when things are going well and life is hunky-dory. Love is what happens when we have to respond to others in the midst of our lives crumbling around us. Love is hard, flat out hard. If it seems easy, we must not be doing it right.

Jesus offered extravagant love to us, but it cost him something. Actually it cost him everything, his life. Real love comes at a cost. There is a sacrifice that must be present for true love to exist.

How Beautiful-I love how my students show me glimpses of God!
These are the moments that make teaching an amazing profession. These tender interactions with students that allow me to see the beauty of each heart. These are glimpses into God's beauty implanted in the hearts of each of us, especially the hearts of children.

Oh The Joy-I see how real God is through some of my greatest trials...
It is amazing to me how I can walk out of such wearying and trying circumstances and proclaim "Oh the Joy!" but perhaps that is the amazing work of the Lord. This is what He means when He challenges us to "consider it pure joy." I have found Jesus to be more profoundly real to me in these last months than maybe in my whole life thus far. The deeper, more troubling my circumstances the more He challenged me to draw near to Him, to become more like Him. And while I am desperately longing for a reprieve, part of me still seeks that intimacy that comes from heartache and suffering. Am I asking for those right at this moment? Not particularly. Will I shrink away from them if presented? I don't think I can, not after knowing how beautiful it is to dwell in the presence of God daily. Do we need trials to dwell in His presence? No, definitely not. But He uses our circumstances to more firmly shape our visions and understandings of His character, both good and bad. And He will continue to shape my vision through every circumstance.

Access-I long to give God access to change me, to redeem me, even my darkest fears...
"But no matter the core event that created your fault line, please hear this wonderful, incredible, life-changing good news: No matter what we've done or what's been done to us, no matter how deep our wounds or how damaged our spirits, we have a mighty God who is able to redeem our darkest moments and deepest fears. A loving Father who promises to keep watch at our points of vulnerability, to strengthen us where we're weak, to correct the lies that have led us astray, and to heal the rifts in our souls.

But only if we give Him access."
Joanna Weaver Having a Mary Spirit

Pride and Faith-I want to trust God and give Him full reign over my life...
"Let me get this straight...although I spoke the universe into existence and hung the stars in space...even though I promised to help you when you said yes to My call...and even though you've cleared your life and made time to write this book...you still keep saying you can't do it...What you're really telling Me...is that you're the omnipotent one around here. Because no matter how much I help you, no matter how willing I am to give you the words and the ability to write...you just know you'll find some way to mess it all up!"
Joanna Weaver, Having a Mary Spirit

Yep, that's about it. But it sounds so awful when you put it like that! It is pride, but really it is unbelief. And that's what it boils down to. Do I have faith enough to trust God will take care of me? Do I have faith enough to know that God will grant me time when I need it? Do I have faith enough to believe that He's called these kids to my classroom for a purpose and that He'll provide everything I need? It's about faith.

I used to think that pride was the root of all sin, and in a lot of ways the two are intricately connected. But I'm starting to realize that sin is also intertwined with unbelief. Because if we believe God is big enough to take care of things, we won't: avoid risk because of fear, speak up when faced with an opportunity to gossip, worry and strive about things outside of our control, try to take control in difficult situations. If we believe, we remove ourselves from all of these opportunities to sin.

Last week our pastor asked us if we truly trust God, if we truly trust His desire to work things together for the good. And while we initially want to respond with a resounding yes, the answer is, at least for me, not all the time. I don't act out of trust in Him, in fact many of my actions are done out of fear. I'm just being honest. So now I understand the man's prayer to Jesus in Matthew, "Lord I believe, help me in my unbelief."

Thus, with the start of a new school year I seek to believe and trust God more. He will provide. He does seek to work for my good. I need to stop protecting myself or striving about what I can't protect and just trust. I want to be a 1 Peter woman whose beauty lies in a quiet and gentle spirit, a heart without fear. May my life be humble and full of faith, not just this week, not just this year, but may this be the beginning of a lifelong journey full of trust in my Lord.

And now...
This last entry was written almost a year ago to the day. Little did I know that God was going to take me up on my request last year. He worked and is working to help me cease protecting myself, to stop striving about what I can't protect, to trust. He longs to give me a heart without fear. He was just honoring my request, and I have been ever resistant to the process.

Re-reading these words just reinforces God's love for me. He will provide, He will heal, He will redeem. I've seen it before and I'll see it again. These words also reinforce that my heart is good, and that's what matters. I need to stop striving and trust in who God made me to be. I need to remember how He has been faithful and how much I love the life God has given me, even the bumps and imperfections. I hope this post isn't arrogant, but rather reflects the deepest need of my heart--to remember who I am and the God who I so awkwardly serve.

Is one of us supposed to be a dog in this situation?

Those of you who have spent any time with Herb and me know how excessively we quote movies. We can have whole conversations consisting of words that are not our own. I love this about us, but I know it is an us quirk that not everyone understands. I am just lucky that I met a man who enjoys quoting in this way because I often think in quotes. Words and phrases stick with me and constantly float through my mind, which is why I'm not surprised that my current anxiety lesson comes to me from When Harry Met Sally. This is one of my favorite movies of all time, and the quotes from this movie are endlessly applicable to numerous situations. But the quote that's been sticking with me this week is from Jess and Marie's wedding when Harry and Sally are arguing about the night they slept together. Sally is holding on to what happened and Harry is trying to convince her (albeit not well--he calls her a dog!) to let it go. Here's how the conversation plays out:

Sally: I don't see that Harry. If anyone's a dog, you are the dog. To you this is something that just happened and you think you can say great, it happened, now let's get on with it, we'll go back to the way it was like what happened didn't mean anything--

Harry: I'm not saying it didn't mean anything, I'm just saying why does it have to mean everything?

I keep replaying Harry's line over and over in my mind. The thing is, I feel like Sally, except exaggerated. I feel like each thing that happens, each thing I do, is of huge importance with the possibility for astronomical consequences. But why does each action have to mean everything? I'm bound to be anxious when I feel as though each decision or mistake has such gravity. I'm lacking perspective on the meaning of my actions. I'm not sure how to change that.

But I do know that I will continue to replay Harry's line in my mind, and hopefully it'll sink in. Hopefully I can ask myself with each passing anxiety, why does it have to mean everything? And then maybe I won't be a dog in this situation. ;-)

Chains

I love how God chooses to speak to us. Sometimes He uses a trusted friend, sometimes it is through His word, sometimes it is through a book, sometimes through a song. God spoke to me in all of those methods this week reiterating one image, one theme: Chains.

The first chapter of Out of Control and Loving It starts with the following passage from Isaiah 52:

Awake, awake,
Clothe yourself in your strength, O Zion;
Clothe yourself in your beautiful garments,
O Jerusalem, the holy city;
For the uncircumcised and the unclean
Will no longer come into you.
Shake yourself from the dust, rise up,
O captive Jerusalem;
Loose yourself from the chains around your neck,
O captive daughter of Zion.

When I first began reading this book and truly began my journey through loss of control, this image didn't strike me as very powerful. The author spent two chapters dissecting this precious woman Zion who was in chains, and it was interesting but didn't grip me. Yet this week, amidst other conversations these verses keep rising to my mind. I feel absolutely captive by my fear at times, frozen and terrified to act. I feel violated by the anxiety that has decided to take up residence in my heart. I feel chained to my anxious thoughts, unable to shake them off. I can absolutely relate to the captive daughter of Zion.

I've recently been hearing the same song repeat on KLOVE, no matter what time of day I'm in the car. I love the song "East to West" by Casting Crowns, but I've loved it for reasons different than the lyrics echoing in my soul this week. This week I've been caught up in the first verse:

Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest

I love the lines that follow the chains, I yearn for peace and rest. I think those are two qualities I want more than anything right now. Those two words are promised to us by God: "Come those who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest." I just want to cease striving against the chains, and yet I fight with everything I have to break free of them.

Look back at the image of Zion. God calls her to loose the chains from her neck; the power is in her hands to be freed. But it seems that she's been going about it in the wrong way. He calls her to awake, arise, clothe herself in strength and beauty, to shake off the dust. I don't think this is how we normally go about trying to break free. Think about it, we fight, we strive, we claw, we run, but at no time did we think beauty would set us free. The qualities God asks of Zion are calling us back to who He created us to be: alive, powerful, strong, beautiful, listening to the sound of His voice.

This is one of the many situations where our concept of how to fix is so vastly different from His. When our enemy approaches, we turn the other cheek. When we see our enemy hungry, we are to feed him. When we want to be exalted, we must be humbled. God's idea of how to fix is never what we imagine or intend, but it does draw us back to Him. Maybe His ideas of how to fix me aren't orthodox in my eyes, but I think we both want the same end result: freedom.

I want to be free of the chains. I want that more than anything. I want to sing the chorus of "Amazing Grace (My chains are gone)":

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace

And the chorus of "Undone":

To the cross I run
Holding high my chains undone
Now I am finally free
Free to be what I've become
Undone

I aspire to be free of my chains, to arise and awaken. I want these images painted in these last two songs to be more powerful than the images of my chains. I long to be undone. And maybe it's time to stop trying to fight my way and instead look at the unorthodox ways God calls me to. I'm not yet sure what that looks like, but I hope I eventually get to look like a beautiful daughter of Zion, no longer captive by my chains.

Bing

In case you've missed the millions of commercials and ads inundating us about the new search engine Bing, it is a search engine that supposedly sorts through the crap websites for you, only returning results relevant to your search. They claim that it will enable you to find the website you are looking for without having to sort through ads or majorly irrelevant sites. To our make-everything-easier society this should be and is a very marketable product.

I, however, am completely unsettled by the idea of Bing. I find it bothersome that someone would suppose to know what I'm looking for. I find it irksome that I am not given all of the options and allowed to choose for myself. I find that this tool censors ideas based on the fact that they believe I don't want to be exposed to them. Shouldn't I make the decision about what I want to be exposed to? Shouldn't I be able to sift through the sites myself and click on those that fit my desired purpose? I feel like Bing flies in the face of my rights to free thought, my intelligence, and my goals in teaching students.

One of the key skills I try to teach students is how to look at several sources and determine which source is most helpful and relevant to what they are trying to prove. This involves looking at a list of titles or a list of websites, clicking on and reading the excerpts and then weighing the validity of the article and the relevance of the article to make an educated decision about the value of the piece. Bing tells my students that they no longer need this skill. It advocates for laziness, for not having to think for yourself. Students already believe that they can type a topic into Google, click on a few sites and have the information they need; Bing adds another layer to this. It will be easy for them to believe that because they've used Bing the source must be relevant to their topic. I sometimes feel like technology strips kids of essential skills in the belief that it is making life easier. But since when is easier always better?

One example of easier isn't better in my classroom is when I teach MLA. I get so frustrated when my students resist learning MLA citation. It is an important process to understand, and an important college-level skill. It is also an academic hoop that they need to learn to jump through, just as they will jump through hoops in any higher education or job. In their resistance to learn the process, because it's hard or cumbersome, they use a website called EasyBib. This site allows you to plug in the information and it will chug out the citation. I have a deep loathing for this site because it reflects the laziness of my students and their unwillingness to try, and it also incorrectly cites. I try to be an MLA master for this reason. I tell them up front that I can find EasyBib citations quickly and they will be penalized. My students don't believe me, use EasyBib and find lower grades as a result. This is an example of how the process is more important than the product. I want them to understand the MLA process, just as much as I want them to understand the process of discerning valid and relevant sources.

So once again I express my frustrations with technology. I am sure that the creators of Bing are well-meaning, I'm sure that they feel that our lives will be revolutionized because we will no longer be inundated with ads and filthy websites. But I'm okay with a little sifting, a thorough scan, as long as it means that my choices are not being censored and I can continue to strengthen my skills and those of my students.

The Journey

As I was pondering this idea on the way home, I was convinced, convinced, that I had written this post before. It seems like such a recurrent theme that I was sure that I'd pontificated on the idea previously, but apparently I was mistaken. Or at least I couldn't find the evidence that I'd blogged about it, so if you're having a very French, déjà vu -ish sort of thing happening, you are not alone.

Life is a journey. A metaphor we are all very familiar with, but one I don't happen to like. Yes it is quite accurate, and yes we are constantly walking through life's new adventures, but I don't like traveling the road. Journeys are about destinations to me. When I travel I have the get-there-as-soon-as-possible sentiment. Quick pit stops, eat food on the go, but let's not stop and look at anything on the way. We're going where we're going, let's get there!

Traveling is inconvenient. You can't account for how much time will be spent where, you can't control the circumstances along the way, you might have to wait in traffic or make a U-turn, you may get lost. Not to mention the physical discomfort that journeys bring, anxiously waiting for the next rest stop fearing your bladder may explode before then, a numb rear end that takes at least 20 minutes of walking to regain feeling, and legs that feel as if they've forgotten how to function.

But get me to a destination and I can settle in, find all of the good bathrooms, follow the maps, use my game plan, eat at the restaurants I've picked out ahead of time...be in control.

I am taking the analogy a bit far, but I feel quite the same way about life. I often feel like I'm living from destination to destination. From weekend to weekend, from exciting event to exciting event, from dating to engagement, engagement to wedding, wedding to graduation, graduation to law school...I am not so much a fan of living in the moment, which sounds horrible. Of course I like my moments and I try my best to savor them, but a little piece of my brain is always jumping to the next thing.

Once I was explaining to a friend how I hated being engaged. She asked me why? "You only get to be a fiancée for such a short amount of time!" I had not really ever thought of that before, I just thought about how much I was looking forward to being Herb's wife. I got so caught up in what was to come that I failed to live in what was. Plus there is such a feeling of achievement to having arrived, having accomplished what I set out to do.

But the thing is, I often struggle to stop and savor the accomplishment; instead I look at what did or did not work and begin setting new goals as to how to do it better next time. I begin plotting my new destination without appreciating the one I'm currently visiting.

One of the realizations I keep having is that I am not going to arrive, at least not in this lifetime. My life will truly be a series of journeys and I'm just going to have to live with that. And I think I'm going to need to do more than just live with it, I'm going to need to cherish the journey more. The process is what matters, as does the product. They are both equally important, but if I don't take the time to acknowledge the process I'll be missing out on an important piece of the product. Because process and product can't be separated I need to learn to appreciate them both. (Very déjà vu -ish here specifically!)

So I'm going to really try to enjoy the journey, enjoy where I am in life, and stop living for what will be. Because the surrounding scenery can be beautiful if I take the time to stop and look around.

AFTERWARD: There's a reason it felt so familiar...similar post, same title, 14 months ago, with ironically similar sentiments to my life now. When such themes are so prevalent it makes me wonder if I'm even growing and changing. When I'm singing the same tune so many months later has my melody evolved at all? Not sure, but read, compare and tell me what you think:
The Journey

My hands

I know this may sound bizarre, but I've always loved my hands. I like the shape and size, I like what they enable me to do. And I'm not the only person to recognize their value. Herb always tells me that he loves how soft my hands are, and many others have remarked similarly. Truly it is amazing that they are so soft because my hands are rarely at rest and are often immersed in hot, soapy water. So it is telling to me that my hands are losing their silky quality.

I noticed last week that my hands are more scaly, more wrinkly, not as smooth. And I think they have become the physical manifestation of my anxious spirit. I'm trying not to wash my hands unless there is good cause (going to the bathroom, food preparation), but I still think I'm overdoing it. I've never been an obsessive hand-washer, in fact I've mocked Herb many a time for that quality, but it's a current bi-product of my anxiety. As a result, the hands that I so cherished are beginning to crack.

I think my hands are symbolic of the goodness, the joy in my life that my anxiety is costing me. Satan is trying to use anxiety to steal the things that bring me the greatest joy and are the greatest blessing to others. Is it a coincidence that my areas of anxiety are the things that I use most to bless others, cooking, teaching, the works of my hands? I don't think so. I think Satan's trying to hinder my effectiveness, trying to stop me from blessing others, trying to hinder God's handiwork. He's trying to crack my spirit, my effectiveness, just as hand-washing has cracked my hands.

But if I've seen anything in this past year, I've seen God's ability to heal. Just like lotion will fill in the cracks in my hands, God will fill in the brokenness of my spirit. He will restore to me those things that bring me the greatest joy; I will continue to be His handiwork. His hands will heal mine.

Higher stakes and broken pedestals

Yesterday was a big day for me, a big day of realizations. These realizations are difficult for me to write about because they could easily be a source of shame. But they are part of my journey, a journey I've chosen to not be ashamed of, so they find their way here to this entry.

One of my favorite topics to teach on is the loss of innocence, those key moments in life where we come to new understanding or new maturity usually through a source of pain. A common moment of lost innocence is that experience when we find that someone we've placed so high on a pedestal takes action that breaks their statuesque state. Their pedestal breaks and they come tumbling down from the lofty image we once held of them. Often this is a parental figure or a mentor or a teacher, but I am having a unique broken pedestal experience. I have tumbled from my own pedestal, on which I felt so strongly secure.

This is difficult to admit, to own up to the idea that I had such a lofty image of myself, to admit that I believed I was invincible. It is partially difficult to admit because I lecture students all of the time about the feeling of invincibility, warning them that they can't survive anything and that they must make different choices. But my invincibility was of a different sort: I naively believed that I could protect myself from the pain and consequences of life. I believed that I was strong enough to hold those hurts and stings of sin at bay. But I, of course, was wrong.

I have discovered in this journey that I am the queen of self-protection. I proactively admit sin and mistakes in attempts to protect myself from consequences, hoping that if I own them first there will be greater mercy. I do not take risks that I feel may cause me pain because I am concerned about my precious self. I do not take emotional risks often, I do not put myself into situations where I might be too vulnerable for fear of being taken advantage of. And the thing is, it worked for a while, or at least I perceived it to be working. In a sense I guarded myself from fearful, difficult and painful experiences, to an extent. I, at least, felt like I protected myself from consequences that I couldn't handle.

The problem is that now the stakes are higher. Before I could seemingly protect myself from painful consequences because I was dealing with smaller issues. If I lied, it was only about a failure to complete a homework assignment. If I didn't pay a bill on time, it barely made a dent in my meager credit score. But now these seemingly same sins have ramifications that echo on a much larger scale. If I don't pay my bill on time they could take our house. If I make a mistake a work, I could lose my job. If I don't cook food properly, people could get sick. All of the sudden (not really...I've been an adult for a long time) stakes are higher and I lack the ability to contain the consequences.

Herein lies the problem, I, the great self-protector, can no longer protect anymore. I have to deal with the fact that I am broken. I have to live with the consequences of my sin. I can't shelter or hide from mistakes. I now have to rely on God to be my protector, rely on Him to help me through (not always save me) from the consequences of my sin. I can't do it any more, my position on the pedestal has been compromised.

There's also an even bigger problem. Because I have been striving to do all of these things for myself, when I have to begin to look to God to fulfill these roles, I don't recognize them in Him. It is not that He can't meet all of these needs, because He absolutely can and more, but rather that because I have not asked them of Him before they are new to me. I am being asked to say "God I can't protect myself from the pain of sin, please be Merciful." He is merciful, but I haven't given Him the chance to exercise that quality in my life before. Thus I am being retrained to trust in a wholly different experience of the same Holy God. It is no wonder then that this is hard; it is like beginning a new exercise routine, I'm training and feeling muscles that I didn't even know were there before. They are going to get stronger, but it is going to take time.

Although I'm broken as a result of my fall from the pedestal, there is a greater peace within me. There is a freedom in not desperately attempting to protect myself, there is a calm in knowing that I am broken and that's the reality of being human. But there is a struggle as well. I have to fight the urge self-protect, to try and control consequences. Instead I have to live through them, experience them, and allow God to use them. I have to trust that God will fill in the empty roles I've left, which means I have to resist taking those roles back. I have to thwart the desire for control and concede that I don't really have any. Even though these battles will be challenging, at least I can rest in knowing that I am not alone high up on my pedestal trying desperately to ward off my enemies and the stinging arrows of sin. Instead I have fallen into the arms of a loving Father whose arms are so much stronger and more comforting than my own. And while the stakes are higher, the rewards and blessings are that much greater.

Self Actualization

Recently in Bible study we've been watching a video series called "The Truth Project". This series is designed to challenge the Christian world view and hold it against the Biblical view of the world. The idea of the series is to allow us to question how much of the world we've allowed into our faith and to realign our beliefs with what is really true. If the series sounds confusing and difficult then I've accurately portrayed it.

I've been catching up on the series and today I watched the video entitled "Who is man?" This particular class called into question more of what I have accepted than any other thus far. It's interesting because I absolutely believe the tenets that he communicates as true about man: 1) Man is dual nature (sinful and Spirit-filled) 2) Man is fallen 3) Man needs to be redeemed. Check, check, check. All truths that I accept to be true. But then he discussed the world's view of man, partially through the lens of Abraham Maslow and his hierarchy of needs.

The hierarchy of needs is a much discussed and believed principle in education. The idea behind the hierarchy is that in order to educate man's mind, one must first tend to his more basic needs (food, rest, shelter). I still don't disagree with this idea, but what the teacher did call into question is the final rung of the hierarchy: self-actualization. The philosophy is that to achieve the highest stage in life one will fulfill and act on all of their wants, needs and desires. When we studied this in college, this made sense, the idea that we've gotten far enough to not let anything hold us back from what we want to be doing. And I even "Christian-ized" it: when we got to the highest stage in life we could follow what God wants us to do without questioning. Sounds good and I managed to combine my two worlds.

What I didn't know, that I learned from this series, is that Maslow was a humanist, a group who believes man is inherently good and that evil does not come from him. So when he is referring to self-actualization, the humanist's interpretation would say that it's man's ultimate state of being to serve his own needs and to do whatever he wants to make him happy. This idea of self-actualization is seemingly the foundation of American perspective. We work hard to get what we want to make us happy; we will cheat, steal and slander to get the job we want to make us happy; we will bulldoze over the feelings of others to make ourselves feel more self-important and make us happy. But truly this idea flies in the face of what God tells us about ourselves.

Our purpose is not to make ourselves happy, but it is instead to glorify God in word, action and deed. If we live our lives according to God's will, we won't be living for ourselves at all but rather we'll be living to serve others and God. It is SO not about us because if we did what we want all of the time, if we were self-actualized, then sin would run rampant and so much evil would pervade the world. Don't we see the fruits of that already? We are plagued with poverty and hunger because those who have want more. We lose new life to abortion because women don't want to have a child. It is not about our wants, our desires, because not only are those selfish, they are a reflection of our fallen selves, not our redeemed selves.

Our fallen selves, our flesh, are in opposition to our redeemed selves, our spirit. This conflict is depicted in Galatians 5, and this passage speaks directly against self-actualization.
"But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please." (v. 16-17)
The first thing I notice is that the word desire is not coupled with Spirit, only with flesh, indicating that our wants are drawn from our fallen selves. Secondly these two forces are opposed to each other so that we may not do the things that we please. God provided us with our redeemed spirit so that we might not be self-actualized. Self-actualization is easy, it's natural to us, whereas being redeemed is hard work, we must go against our fallen instincts and desires.

We already knew that we live in a society opposed to Truth. It is apparent in how people speak about Christians and God. But it is easy to forget to be mindful of the subtle ways our society opposes truth. It is not necessarily in the blatant confrontations that we could be in danger, but rather in the subversive, quiet messages delivered to us as truth, that it is easy to be taken in.

I am not at all saying I wish I had not sat in the classroom, that I wish I had abstained from the experience of learning about Maslow and his hierarchy, or that I even disagree with all aspects of it, but rather I am saying that I need to be aware and vigilant. I need to hold learned truths against the Truth. I need to know the Truth so that I can do that. I need to be Truth-actualized so that I can act on the tenets of Truth rather than the desires of self.

Simple yet profound

Lately I've been remembering how God speaks to us in paradox. So I shouldn't be surprised that lately He's showing me things that on the surface might be simple, but in truth can have a very profound effect on my life. In some ways I feel as if I'm learning the elementary ideas of faith. When my students get stuck I encourage them to go back to basics, to remember what their purpose is and what steps they need to achieve to get to that purpose. Maybe God is just asking me to do the same thing. I feel as if I'm speaking vaguely so let me be more concrete:

I sinned today: gossip, hurtful comments--sin that could hurt and effect others. It was a mistake, one I repented of, but sin nonetheless. I spent the next hour agonizing over the consequences of my sin. Who would it effect? How would it effect me? How could it change my life? I was praying over these questions in the car when it occurred to me that Jesus died not only to forgive my sins, but also to forgive the consequences of my sins. That was grace. He also can choose to alleviate the consequences of my sin or not based on what He desires for me to learn. That is His mercy.

I know it seems simplistic, this idea that God not only covers our sins but also the consequences of our sins, but it's something I had never really thought about before. The truth is that we are going to sin, by our nature we are imperfect. And there are consequences to sin, by sin's nature there are nasty ramifications. So Jesus did not just come to redeem us from our sin, but He also came to redeem us and heal us from the consequences of our sin. Simple yet true.

On my way home from dinner I was thinking about this idea more, and God took this simple idea and made it profound. I was convicted that my whole life, my whole rule-following, commandment-adhering life, has been designed around protecting myself from consequences. I have chosen to obey the guidelines God has set before me, not to honor Him and the sacrifice He made for me, but instead to protect myself. I have been self-seeking in my actions, hiding under the guise of piety. The motives of my heart have not been pure; instead of choosing to follow God by obeying His call on my life, I've chosen to obey God because experience has shown me that that is the more comfortable route, the safe route.

I do believe that God designed us this way, to dislike consequences, so that we will truly flee from sin. But I don't think He wanted us to hide behind rules. I don't think He gave us His word so that we could live a life of comfort, instead I think He intended His word to make us uncomfortable, convicted, life-changed. So perhaps my feeble attempts to feign perfection, or keep the consequences of my sin hidden or at bay, may be halting my uncomfortable, life-altering growth. Self-protection can't work when you are an imperfect human being. No matter how much I try, I'm going to screw up. And no matter how much I will them to disappear, consequences are the inevitable result of screw-ups. Thus instead of seeking God's guidelines, adhering to His commandments for my own sake, perhaps I should be doing it for the sake of His kingdom.

"Not to us, but to Your name be the glory."
Rule-following for the sake of self-protection is prideful, it is for my glory, my appearance and my comfort. Seeking to follow God's commandments so that others may know God and who He is, that is for His glory and it's what I should be all about.

This doesn't mean that we should go out and sin, looking for God to be glorified in the consequences. But what it does means is that when we do sin, we should repent and know that God can redeem even this. Because He's about His glory too, and even when we fall short, He stands tall. He is enough to fill in our gaps, to show Himself strong amidst our weakness. God can redeem the brokenness in us as well as in the others we hurt. He is a God who redeems; that is what the cross was all about.

I'm not exactly sure how this fits into my anxiety journey, maybe it doesn't. But I do know that God needs to be glorified and I need to do it. I need to stop exalting myself, trying to show others how good I can be, and instead I need to show others how good God can be. He will redeem my shortcomings, He will be glorified even in my broken, sin-ridden self. He needs me to be humble so that He might be glorified.

It seems so simple, obey God so that others may see and know Him. But the profound truth comes when we can see that there can be glory in the consequence, when we fail to obey--it just might not be our own.

Not enough

The book Captivating by Stasi Eldredge talks about how women struggle with two major lies about their identity: women feel like they are too much and not enough. While I can definitely point to moments in my life where each of those lies felt true, currently I am viewing life through the not enough lens...

I just read this article on anxiety and it suggests that one of the best ways to overcome anxiety is have self-determination and define things positively. The article suggests that when one is feeling anxious she should define herself as a problem solver and remember specific times of success in solving problems. The problem is: I'm having a hard time remembering any...

This is ridiculous, really, you should ridicule me, because my job is problem solving. I spend each and every class day solving problems, finding solutions, creating new routes around a problem, and yet...I can't see myself as that.

I don't feel like I have enough to fight the anxiety, I don't feel like I can do enough to fix my situation. Part of my anxiety is that I can't do enough to fight germs, or I can't do enough to make my classroom safe, or I can't do enough to protect myself from bad happening. And the truth is...I don't have enough.

I am not enough, but God is. Yet it seems to me that I'm also having a hard time believing God is enough. I know He's enough, but I'm not believing He's enough. In other words, I am feeling like I don't have enough faith. More of the not enoughs...

So tonight my prayer is: "Lord, I believe. Help me in my unbelief. Help me to know that all of You is more than enough for all of me, for every thirst and every need, You satisfy me with Your love, and all I have of You is more than enough..."

Processing

So I've been thinking through this anxiety thing, just processing the thoughts and behaviors, trying to discover a source or possible solutions. Honestly if anxiety ridden thoughts are planning to consume my mind, I'm going to try to consume my mind with something else. This exact thought was what got me turned toward scripture last night. I was thinking that the only way to stop thinking about something is to think about something else altogether. Then I remembered that God even told us what to think about: "Whatever is true..." But that isn't a verse I've got down pat so I went looking for it in my Bible and lo and behold, guess what that verse follows! It follows two of my favorite verses about worrying and peace! The two are coupled; to help with worry, to bring peace He asks that we think on these things. WAY COOL! Look at how the whole passage reads out, it's like a love letter to my heart right now:

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!

Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:4-9

All of the ways to guard are hearts and minds, to generate peace, have to do with dwelling on Him and praising Him. Paul starts this passage with the command to rejoice, twice. And even a verse that I've known most of my adult life had a piece of thanksgiving I was missing. When worried we need to offer up our concerns in prayer WITH thanksgiving. There's a common trend here, praise and thanksgiving, focusing our minds on the good. These verses will be traveling with me everywhere for quite a while now.

Beyond these awesome verses I also realized something that seems simplistic but enlightened me a bit. I made a decision to take more risks in life, to stop living safely. Risks specifically equal fear in my world. So it would make much sense that after a risky life decision I would be experiencing more fear. As a woman who does not like consequences, it makes sense that fear of what might be would drive me further into worry. Simplistic, but where I am.

This will be a long healing process. Thanks for being a part of the process and the processing with me.